Pancreatic Cancer.

Today and the past couple weeks have been very sad for me when I received the news a dear friend of mine has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I was in great hopes this person would have a couple years to live but as the testing moves forward I am not so sure.  In fact I am afraid.  How dare I be afraid?  Your right.  It's my time to be strong for this person, not afraid.  Well fuck that!  I am afraid for this person and for me and so many others.  

My person has never been in love in their six decades on earth. They have been married, have children, had their own business's, own a beautiful large home in the country, spend a lot of time creating beautiful landscaping projects.  Have a grandchild.  And fell in love recently with someone in the midst of a divorce.  They both found a precious love in one another.  They have communicated for over a year with no copulation.  Kisses, Kindness, and Caring.  Meeting in dark parking lots.  Both waiting with great anticipation for the day they can begin their lives together. 

That is just some of the hours spent by my friend in the sanctuary of my friends yard.  

And then.....PAIN led to doctor calls and appointments.  An ultra sound.  Results put on MyChart.  My friend read their future on the cold computer.  Lesions in the liver and tail of the pancreas.  Doctor call later in day saying in a frantic voice: 

 "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."   

Then a call later offering an appointment for a CT.  Nothing further from any doctors. 

CT day comes and my friend is sitting in the waiting room drinking white liquid and instructed to take an hour to do the above.  My friend texted me saying "AFRAID! And I dont even have a fucking doctor!" And that was the truth.  After several hours back home she received more My Chart news.  Metastasized from pancreas to liver to lungs. And no phone call.  Just a death sentence online.   Guess that is what our medical system has come to?  Our political system is in the shitter as well. 

Let me also say another dear friend just lost her husband unexpectedly to a rare disease.  It was expected but not so soon!  After 54 years together. And now this.  Its not that our age isn't appropriate for such incidents, it's that I was not prepared.  Who ever is! 

This has affected my life in the living realm. I recently ended a near six year relationship with someone I dearly loved.  There are days I feel tremendous guilt for my part in the ending mostly due to a severe attitude adjustment regarding life and death.  Not because it shouldn't have ended, but because of how it did.  Love isn't hurting another person. I lived by that until the end......Just shoot me that now I have to live with the fact I didn't live by my own values!! It may have been deserved but no matter!!  And should I die before I wake, it's too late.  

Back to the point at hand on the keyboard.  I have offered to make "Life Books" for the grandchild and the love my friend will leave behind.  I am angry at the loss that hasn't happened yet.  I am angry at the love unfulfilled.  Most of us dont get the chance to find it.  I lost it last year in the living and my friend is losing it to death. To something unknown. How dare I ever be afraid of a clanking MRI tube again.  How dare I ever be afraid of one damn thing again.  BECAUSE IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE PERFECT. IT CAN JUST BE WHAT IT IS.   Life.  Never throw Love away if there is an ounce of it left.  Loss is a bitch.  Dead or Alive.  There is a REWARD.  Savor it for your time may be limited on this earth.  

Maybe tomorrow I will write something more uplifting.  Today I cant do that.