Saturn Has Me in Emotional Renovations.......by Julianna Rowe

Tonight I realized something strange.

I am tired in a way sleep doesn’t fix. Not just physicallt tired, but soul tired. Tired of carrying things carefully, of trying to explain things kindly. Tired of pretending certain things don’t hurt. Tired of being “strong” because life keeps requiring it. 

  And yet…there is still a part of me that wants to decorate the porch lights, write another story, make people laugh, watch old cowboy shows, buy flowers I probably don’t need, and love people anyway.

That part of me is still alive. Maybe that is the miracle at this age. Not becoming hard or bitter. Not giving up after disappointment stacked itself like dishes in a sink. But somehow still remaining soft enough to create.

I think people imagine aging as becoming old, but I think sometimes aging is simply becoming more honest. You stop performing, stop chasing. You stop needing applause from people who never intended to clap.You begin asking quieter questions.

Do I feel peaceful here?
Do I feel safe here where I live?
Do I still recognize myself?
What actually matters now?

Tonight I do not have great wisdom or answers. I only know this: Something inside me is changingAnd strangely enough…I think it might be trying to save me.

Either that or Saturn has me in emotional renovations without a permit.

Anyway…tomorrow I’ll probably decorate something, write a song, and argue with a mouse. Life goes on. 

"It is what it is!" as PaPa Joe used to say.