The Shower Pouffer From Hell - by Julianna Rowe

 Oops...you're right, Jules. 😄 You know you like paragraphs, not all those little breaks. Here it is the way you write.

My Shower Pouffer Tried to Kill Me!

So, I bought a brand-new shower pouffer at "Hell's Gate," otherwise known as Walmart. I was first introduced to pouffers years ago by my Vietnamese nail lady. "You like nails? You need longa? I no charg you too much more!" She had given me a shower pouffer for Mother's Day...or maybe it was another holiday, I don't remember. What I do remember is that it never smelled like it was trying to dissolve my lungs.

This new one? Holy chemical warfare. I opened the package and immediately thought, "This can't possibly be healthy." I washed it, and it still smelled. I sniffed it again just to make sure I wasn't imagining things. Nope, if I weighed ten pounds less, I think it might have killed me.

So, I threw it on the floor next to the trash while I debated its fate. Should I recycle it? Should I return it? Then I remembered the price of gasoline these days. Between inflation and everything happening around the Strait of Hormuz, it would cost me more to drive back to Walmart than the $1.87 I paid for the thing. The pouffer lost, into the trash it went.

Before I tossed it, I gave it one little shake. Tiny plastic particles floated onto my desk. What in the name of Irish Spring was THAT? I have officially named it Plastimonia.

Naturally, I looked it up. Apparently, a brand-new shower pouf can smell because of off-gassing, factory VOCs, residual dyes, antimicrobial coatings, and other chemicals that apparently thought my shower was a good place to escape into the atmosphere. Wonderful news flash.

The internet offered several helpful suggestions. Soak it in vinegar and baking soda. Wash it in the washing machine. Or...leave it outside in direct sunlight for several hours. Wait a minute. We're supposed to heat up the plastic? Isn't that the same reason they tell us not to drink bottled water that's been sitting in a hot car? Maybe I'm missing something.

Have you ever accidentally let a plastic lid fall through the rack in your dishwasher and land on the heating element of Hell? That awful burning-plastic smell? That's exactly what this pouffer reminded me of. By this point, I wasn't interested in saving $1.87. I was interested in saving...me.

Now I'm thinking I need to visit the organic section and find something made from cotton, bamboo, loofah vines...or maybe just a washcloth like Grandma used. At least washcloths never tried to gas me.

Then my mind wandered, as it usually does. I started wondering who invented stoves with those impossible-to-clean cracks, dryers with lint traps that require the flexibility of a circus performer, toilets with enough curves and crevices to require a toothbrush, and car interiors that seem designed to collect every French fry, dust bunny, and cat hair ever created. I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing it was a man-maid oops surely I meant manmade...because somewhere along the line, women, otherwise known as "the maids" back then, were expected to clean them. Just saying! Before you men start writing me letters, relax. I'm kidding...mostly. 

I'm beginning to suspect the same person invented this shower pouffer...probably while wearing a hazmat suit.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm headed for the organic aisle. If nothing else, maybe I'll find a sponge that doesn't need to off-gas before I can use it. Because I don't know about you, but I prefer my showers without a side of Plastimonia.

I am still upright and above the dirt!  See ya on the next round of  The Happy News Lady"