What Men Say When They Don't - "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT" by Julianna Rowe

A series on language, clarity, and the quiet annoncements people make before they disappear.  Hosted on: The Happy News Lady

While these pieces focus on men, the language of avoidance isn't gendered.  Anyone who's disappeared will recognize it.  

"I Thought You Were Different"       

"You're Different he says, right before treating you exactly the same.  It sounds like a compliment at first.  Like recognition.  Like intention.  Or like he is seeing something inyou that sets you apart.  But "different" isn't a compliment when it is followed by the same behavior, the same avoidance, and the same ending.  This phrase usually shows up early, before consistency has been established, before actions have had time to match words.  It creates a sense of specialness without providing any structure to support it. You're different.  You're not like the others.  You're not what I'm used to. 

And yet....you;re met with the same delays, the same ambiguity,the same reluctance to define anything clearly.  "Different" becomes a placeholder for effort that never arrives.  Men use this phrase when they want you to feel chosen without actually choosing you.  When they want emotional access without changing their patterns.  When they want credit for noticing you without responsibility for how they treat you.  So you wait, you give it time and you tell yourself this time will be different because you are. But difference doesn't come from being admired. It comes from being treated differently. If nothing changes and.....if communication stays vague and commitment stays optional, and if accountability never materializes....then "different is just decoration. Because different isnt a promise or a protection and its not proof.  Real difference shows up in behavior:  In consistancy and clarity and in follow-through that doesn't require reminders.  So when someone tells you, "I thought you were different," pay attention to what happens next.  If the ending looks familiar, the compliment was never about you.  It was about keeping you hopeful long enough to avoid changing anythin at all.  

Flattery replaces action and patterns don't lie. 

Tomorrow's topic:  "I'm Not Playing This Game"