The Leaning Tower of Pee-za Went Down...by Diane Ogden

So I get home from work.  Take the dog out.  Fix a piece of toast with cheese and jelly.  Call Mother at the convalescent home to check on her healing broken hip. Then took a podie break only to find six of my teepee tissue rolls on the floor and one GIANT water soaked podie wipe roll in the toilet.  Yup, I forgot to put the lid down. And fellows, this is what happens to us girl rears when the lid is left up.  Soggy, unraveled (mentally,) fully soaked and feeling very spread out and spread thin just like this sogged fallen female tushie tissue.  Poor thing. And check out that male role (roll) still standing next to her..  sshheessh.  Put the lid down guys!

The Leaning Tower of Toilet Paper by Diane Ogden

I do not like one ply toilet tushie tissue...and last time I purchased toilet poddie wipe tissue I accidentally bought twelve rolls of the stuff.  This meant that several times a day I yanked really hard on the uppie poopee paper tissue holder, (I like my shoot shiner tissue to roll out from the top) so I could get a big bunch of it and get it all used up fast.  It still took quite some time but finally today I got to purchase twelve new rolls of two ply softer crap wrapper tissue.  Although I noticed they are now making the inside roller much larger around and shorter to save on teepee tissue on the manufacturers end.  Not the same way we have to save on bung fodder tissue is it?  We have to save on butt wipe tissue so they can save on turd towel tissue.  Something like that.  Regardless, I always stack my spiky bark tissue rolls in the corner beside the toilet.  I stack a few and put the rest in a closet...but today I decided to stack em all for the heck of it.... I counted 14!  I got a kick out of doing it for some reason.  Then I noticed the toilet seat was up and the ars wipe tissue tower was leaning a bit....so I quickly put the lid down to save several rolls in case of tower failure.  Suppose I will take some of them down, just in case.  In case of what I don't know. Even if they fell on my head while sitting there it would be no big deal. Odd day today, at least I got a laugh out of my little lego boodie wipe toilet paper tower.

Do the Math! I Owe Them One Bag of DOVE, That's All!...by Diane Ogden

OOK so I have a client that keeps a nice bowl of Dove dark chocolate on their sofa table...of which I visit every two weeks.  And every two weeks for almost two years I eat one, OK sometimes two pieces of Dove Chocolate, depending on the amount of Dove Chocolate in the bowl.  Wouldn't want them to miss any.  I am not a thief by any means...well I did take a piece of entertainment food, but did I steal it?  OMG surely I am not a thief.  Maybe I am a merely a "tiny" chocolate thief? I hate that word.  Therefore I deducted that after 18 months plus of eating/stealing, ohh I hate that word!, two pieces a month for 18 months would equal me owing my client one bag of Dove chocolates total.  I think I am now due an out of jail card...  Does this mean I can never eat another one of their Dove pieces again???  That would suck. I might have to bring my own and that's no fun.  I promise to buy them one bag every 18 months or so. Depending upon how the math works out.  Hey its not like I borrow money from them and put it back every 18 months.  Duh. It's DOVE for crying out loud for chocolate!!

Spider Veins on My Teeth? by Diane Ogden

As you know from a previous post I almost put super glue in my eye after eye surgery because the bottle was almost the same as the antibiotic bottle.  Fortunately I caught the slight difference in bottles therefore I am fine.  But....                      this morning I woke at the insane hour of 4:30 after a stupid dream that I was a bad Mother.  Imagine that! What Mother ever thinks such a thing. And what child no matter the age ever pushes the bad Mother button all Mothers have right on our shoulder.  Mine must have gotten pushed to have that arss (ass) dream because it was a stinker bad one and it woke me up at 4:30 a.m. and kept me up, period.  I wandered into the "rest room," why do they call it that?  I have never rested in the toilet room.  Back to my point.  I wandered in there, grabbed my toothpaste, opened the lid and that is when I realized the lid was not right. Too big.  I took another view and noticed the label said, Solution for Spider Veins.  Last time I looked I do not have spider veins on my teeth.  Anyway its outdated and has turned yellow and thick (I know I know, throw it away OK - I will!) and thank God I didn't put that goop in my mouth. But then who knows it might have whitened my teeth.  It lightens/whitens red veins.  Humm, maybe I'll dig it out of that trash after all. 

Just k i d d i n g..... just remember this all happened because some kid pushed my bad Mommie button. That won't happen again.  (Ya sure)

Rhett Butler (any day)

He just had it all didn't he? He was gorgeous, masculine, beyond strong in personality and every other area, a major movie star, and simply what every woman would ever want in a man. Well any normal woman that is and that is certainly my personal opinion anyway and I believe from all I have read 90% of all other women also.  Not that 89% of us ever get one of those.  Nor do most of the Rhett Butlers ever get a woman they are happy with, but then come on there are NOT many Rhett's in life....I thought I had one once or twice. I was wrong by the way.Or maybe I just got to have it extra times than others.  Back in '75 I was driving a brand new Pontiac Grand Prix given to me by the Rhett Butt in my life at that time. Driving down the highway with a new Cassette tape plugged in playing Herb Albert's Tijuana Brass newest songs! (The Today show interviewed Herb Albert today which brought to the surface of my mind these bloggy foggy thoughts)  I thought nothing could be better ever in life. And nothing could at that moment anyway.  Valentines...my car was the color of a Valentine and Love was all around and in it.  Until he came one day and took it back for the secretary at his lawyers office.  That's how Valentines go.  Some you get to keep and some you have to let go...I call that re-gifting.  It wasn't a card, it was a car H E L L O.  I have had other Valentine Cars and Cards since then and expect to have a few more in my last years. Cards that is...  Or maybe I will be the giver anymore... of both.  Valentines Day is what again? To give something to someone you love? To give candy to children? Red hearts with little love words on them, chocolates, roses, cards, hearts, lace, cupids, and maybe a new red and white car, who knows....   I still like these old vintage Valentine's, strange as they now seem in this century.  Too strange in fact...

Happy Birthday Miss D.....by Diane Ogden

What can I say? I could write the book named Danielle! And it just might be a best seller....especially if I embedded her/your songs.  That hasn't been invented or has it? How does one put into print the complex and amazing wonderful unpredictable personality of Danielle?  Impossible! impracticable, infeasible, unachievable, unattainable, undoable, unrealizable, impractical, insurmountable...........but I will try.
"Anybody lookin fer Danielle?"
"Don't go Chasin Waterfalls?"  I never could get that title could I?
Little fits!
Big fits!
Mommie Naomi, Papa Harold, Gma Bonnie, cousins, Weddings, Birthdays, The Zoo, The Mall, New Clothes, Used Clothes, Shoes!!!  Photo shoots, Family meals, Day Care :o )
Pets, Uncles, Papa J, Gma J, April, Dandee, The Farm, Daddy Dan, Jill, Bob, Visiting Cows, Carlo, Choking on Pickles, "wiener in your pants in newspaper," Trampoline, At least 19 Christmas's, PeeWee, Barney, Carriage Rides, Tatoos, Graduating, Shopping, St. Vinnies, LOL, Wal Mart, Kimmy, Katie, Amber, The Lincoln, Playhouses, quilts, "looney Len," Monroe Street, Pine Street, Hanson Road, Viroqua, Michael, Muffin, Katelyn,  Bad hair coloring by Nana!! Playing makeup, omg Dress Up, Bike Riding, chasing boys, flooded car, Trips to Centralia, Nan_ucket, car accident eeww, boyfriends, VICI, Cody-Man, Cayden.....and that's only a few of the life happenings I recall since your Birth- Day. Thanks for being a part of my life kiddo.  I love you forever.  NanaD
   

BMW Convertable Low Rider by Diane Ogden

Let me see....I worked three jobs today, tomorrow I work three more and pic up thousands of small magazines to be delivered around the Capital of Wisconsin, Madison....  I just ate a piece of Dove Chocolate Dark and read the little inspirational do da day wrapper that says, "Take a deep breath and exhale, Love Dove!"  I just stared at it.  Like hello, if am alive  I am taking breaths and exhaling them.  What's a deep one going to offer me with my schedule.  I don't do energy drinks or I should die if I did because they cause me anxiety and run me to the E.R. So... what's my point?  My point is I don't have a BMW convertible.  I know someone that does....and her friend and my friend told me today that she couldn't get to their happy meeting like all the other women did because she drives a BMW convertible that is too low to the ground and Oklahoma just got another dose of snow.  She doesn't have my schedule either, but she sure does have a low rider BMW Convertible.  Hell I have a Buick my Mother passed down to me.  Oh I am grateful for sure... It rides high, has mudflaps (omg if I'm lyin I'm dyin) 136,000 miles on her, rust around that long frame underneath and a little on the door.  But its paid for. And it would get me to a meeting in the snow.  But would I rather have that BMW Convertible. Hell yes!  And I would also like her job too.  That job would be, you guessed it, no job...

Just For the Record.... by Diane Ogden

Now this would be Berdie... (see previous post if in question)

If I Die Before I Wake.... by Diane Ogden

If I die before I wake, someone better not use an ugly picture of me on the church bulletin or the newspaper obit or the funeral notice note card.   And I mean it too.  I do hope my God Father does not read this, or any of Berdie's close folks.  Although come on people...get real.  Didn't a one of you take a nice pic of Berdie in the few years.  I am appalled and embarrassed for Berdie.  She was a gorgeous woman most all of her life.  Even as she lay in the casket of which I should have taken a picture of just for this moment in earth time.  The hicks used the pic of her when she was admitted to the last dying mill (nurse home) and she had been sick.  I cant even keep it in my picture box it's so awful.  Her last picture for all who came to bid her farewell was kindly put icky poo.  I am sure Berdie doesn't care now....or does she?  Maybe she is laughing...  I don't think so at all.  Thank God the food they served at the funeral was good.  Really good by the way.  And the pastor knew her from their visits over the  many years.  That was good. But that picture "ain't" the Berdus (Berdie) he visited or I ever visited or any of her other relatives visited.  Whoever decided to use that piece of bad art may get a visit from Ms Berdie before she takes off for planets unknown.  They could have asked me, I am known as the picture lady as well as the "Happy News Lady!" Ya should have seen her all so pretty laying in that big box to be buried.  Hell they should display her somewhere as the most beautiful woman in the world for age 98!  Up there with Michael Jackson for God sakes... and all the other wax museum people.  They should have waxed Berdie for sure... Me, I would haunt the sucker that used that nasty pic on my last day here...of course unless God stepped in and told me to squash it D and move on....LLOL.  That means  "Lord Laughing Out Loud! Bet Berdie's not!

Blizzard of 2011 at My Window! by Diane Ogden

So this is Little Gracie Allen in a head on search for a place to make a morning poddie!  That poddie ended up smack dab in the center of  this sidewalk obviously, like where else was there to go? 
This event occured at 9:00 a.m. February 2, 2011 and as it did occur my mind wondered to the newspaper man that "usually" enters the residence around 4:00 a.m. and considering I live in the "dog building," what residents may have attempted to help their dogs relieve themselves before 5:00 a.m. which is when I overheard the little man with his little toy truck clearing the walks. Did you ever notice that girls don't have boy toys when they grow up, you know like little baby bulldozers, and little baby Caterpillar type plows,  and so on.  I guess someone has to be grown up but its still not fair.  Back to my point?  Where did those dogs go before 5:00 a.m?  The garage? Could be! 
The bottom photo is my apartment just to the left of the front door behind that humongous drift.

I Was Never a "House-Wife".....by Diane Ogden

House-wife!  What the H is that?  I could have said, What the heaven is that, but I don't relate the word House-wife to any sort of heaven I know of, in heaven or on earth.  House-wife! Sounds like someone who got married and then got housebound...locked up....stuck inside.... but then maybe that was the "way it was" in my prime of time life.  Now its House-wife of Orange County, or House-wives of New Jersey and Atlanta and so on.... Those House-wives are married to money.  Not men, money.  They don't wash dishes, clothes, or floors. They don't dust or clean a toilet, or cook, and they barely do their own hair for God in heaven's sakes, as my Grannie used to say. 
Those ladies just look pretty, rich, lucky and absolutely brilliant! Those are the Heaven's House-wives!
The others experienced something more like "Hell's Kitchen!" 

  DEFINITION: Housewife: 1) a woman, typically a married woman, who keeps house, usually without having paid employment. 2) The wife of a householder; the mistress of a family; the female head of a household.

photo from: http://www.fabbrunette.com/