My family is helping me reach out to others who may need my
wisdom. A wisdom learned from the pain of living with angry, ill-mannered
humans and from my own errors that brought me to this no win, no way out,
unfriendly neighborhood.
If any of my writings help you out, I would be pleased to
hear from you.
Observing 101
Even though I do not care for all the negative people in
here I am forced to be around them. So,
in an attempt to try to cope and understand I have had to do some serious
observing. As I have said I believe in
Karma because I have witnessed it in action.
For a long time, I went around saying I do not like the negative
inmates. I don't want them in my
community, (prison term for clicks) I thought - eff them, I don't want those
that won’t help themselves around me. I
also noticed I was being treated negatively and I couldn't figure that
out. Here I was trying to be a better
human being and staying out of all trouble areas yet not much was changing for
me. I couldn't even get much help from
my family on the outside. Why? Then it dawned on me. Same as the early morning sun rising from the
darkness. It was KARMA at its finest!!
I was getting what I was giving.
So....how to change this huh?
A
T T I T U D E!!
The saying goes, change your attitude and change your
circumstances. So, I tried it. I started to view those in here I disliked
differently. Who am I to judge lest I be
judged. It is their life journey. All I can do is offer positive input to
negative situations and hopefully help them on their path from negative to
positive. Or as some say "from the shit-pit
to the clear waters."
It does not hurt you or I to be nice to those we
dislike. Actually, it is a powerful
Karma that you will get back what you put out.
And life circumstances will start to change for you.
Make a
decision and the Universe will honor it
Out for now....Clutch
A Peaceful Journey...
Greetings and salutations from inside.
Isn't worrying about the negativity of others a massive waste of time and energy? That equates to passing judgment on them. telling them that what they're doing is incorrect. Hey, perhaps it's what they should do. like be kind and acknowledge that they are free to feel, act, and think as they like. Instead, even if you disagree, support. Perhaps all it takes for someone else to reach their destination in life is a little encouragement. This is what a kind deed is all about. Why? because, despite your disagreement with their viewpoint, you are respecting the rights of others. Give as you would like to receive because you want someone to do nice deeds for you. It will make a complete circle back!
I have learned to respect and help even those I dislike or
don't understand or even fear, with an understanding that it's their life
journey and you have yours so to co-mingle and co-exist peacefully and also
have kind deeds and respect returned, you must give it first. If someone rejects it so what, move on in positive
harmony.
Hope this has helped you.
Til' next time be well, be positive, and be open
minded. Clutch
A Response to One of My Daughters.....
None of us get it right all the time.
We all can use some guidance from time to time.
Nothing to be embarrassed about.
Asking for help shows you want to grow, through learning by
asking
When you ask for help it doesn't make you look bad,
It makes you look strong
For realizing and understanding you need assistance in
certain areas.
Hope this helps,
Dad loves you
Control Does Not Equal Power!!!
Control Does Not Equal Power!!!
Greetings and well wishes once again.
When I was younger, I always tried to control the actions of
others around me and let me point out to them how they could do things
differently or how they did or are doing it wrong! I thought that by directing
their actions I could get MY desired outcome thru them. Of course that was without considering their
personal rights.
Truth of the matter is I was not in control of my own life
and emotions, thus I attempted to live through others by attempting to control
how they thought and what they could and couldn't do. It was not until later in life that I
realized how unhealthy this was and is.
Everyone is free to feel, think, talk, and act however they
like. Even while you may provide them
helpful suggestions and advice, it is ultimately up to them whether to take
advantage of them! And if they choose
not to listen to you it is not a personal attack or disrespect towards you,
rather it is them exercising their right to choose for themselves the direction
of their own life. (path) Whether you agree
or not. And if they do choose to do
differently than you advised...... you should not put them down, speak ill of
them, rather you should move on with your own life's decisions. Sometimes this is doubly hard if you are in a
relationship and this is a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. That is when you tend to think the other
party does not love you because they are not doing as you want when in truth
maybe you don't love them for who they are. Or they may be reacting to your
choices. Either way, if you are trying
to change and control them there is a strong possibility you are not in control
of your own life. Therefore, you may
feel the need to direct and control the people around you so you can live thru
them.
Here in prison, I see this daily in the majority of the
people I am surrounded by which has caused me to take a good hard look at the
situation and learn from it. If this is
happening in your life, I can only suggest you analyze the problems and attempt
a rational solution without degrading or abusing any one's rights. Sometimes you must let a loved one do as they
are going to do without arguing over something that neither of you are going to
come out the better from.
Hopefully this has helped ..... be well, be safe and have a nice day.
Until next time....Clutch out
Inside - a Day - Inside
To survive inside these walls, I have been forced to study
people, their mannerisms, habits and traits.
So, I know how to deal within each individual or group safely. Prison does not allow open rehabilitation.
Inmates will attack you if they think you are doing the right thing.
Out there you have consequences and situations daily, but
not on the same plain as inside.
In here it is a much different situation. I am surrounded by society's worst!! Most of whom were never taught any kind of
manners, moral, consideration, respect, self-confidence, problem solving
abilities and they severely lack communication skills. They are angry at the world and blame
everyone and everything else for their problems and situations because they do
not know how to take responsibility. Due
to this mental state these inmates try to control others around them.
Since they do not have any of the above skills when
confronted they do not understand what the next step is so they get angry and
then they try to handle the situation with brute force. (Fighting and threatening physical harm) It's
all they know. That said, one who wants
no trouble must walk around on egg shells constantly so as not to offend any of
the angry people locked up inside! They
are looking for any reason to confront you and try to prove they are better and
stronger than you. I guess so that they feel they are somebody!! These
prisoners attempt to manipulate those around them as a result of their mental
state.
The people around me have a variety of personalities. The
most of them are not good. As depressing as it may sound. It's a pretty tense scenario here. They say stress causes the body to age and I
can attest to that. It’s rough to walk
around here wondering if some mental inmate will wig-out (freak out) on you if
they perceive you glanced at them wrong.
Rewinding to the various types of characters that surround a
prisoner.
Some inmates roam from one person to another talking,
questioning, looking for any type of soap opera information they can twist
around and use to instigate conflict so to watch it unfold. They get a kick out of it. There are stalkers of female guards. There are habitual liars, thieves, rapists,
murderers, child molesters, and women beaters and much much more all with
different mental issues and views on each situation. Some of their lives are so out of control
they try to control the television and every show that comes on. All because they do not know how or won’t
take responsibility and start to rebuild their lives.
Conversely, some individuals do transform and undergo
rehabilitation; but, they are unable to publicly do so since the
"life-hating" prisoners in their vicinity will not have it. That being said: For those of us who truly want to change,
like myself, who has been clean and sober, no trouble at all, for ten years, we
have to be like chameleons while walking amongst the haters of life.
Those men talk only about more crimes they will commit in
the future. They talk about getting
even. I could write a book about what I
have seen and heard. I guess I am in a way.
But let me add that there are some good changed people in
here, and some innocent ones also.
For now Clutch out…..
What is Your Right?
I have noticed, (observed) especially in prison and somewhat
out there, from what I recall, that people attempt to get others to conform to
their point of view because they believe it to be right.
People are all different; they have been raised differently
and come from different genes as well as spiritual backgrounds.
I suggest what you believe may not be what others believe,
and what you think is right may not be right for others and their circumstances
or what their path in life may need.
What we need to realize is that everyone has a right to be
right in what they believe to be right.
Okay, let’s break this down.
This is America, and we have a right to do, and think, and believe, and
say, and have whatever opinion we so choose.
As long as these rights do not harm others.
So if I want to believe the earth is flat or aliens are our
creators, I have that right to and be secure in my beliefs, and no one has the
right to attack my beliefs based on the issue that my beliefs differ from
yours. What would you care if I believed
differently than you?? Let me ask you this.
Would you want someone to tell you your religion is wrong and you should
convert? Of course, you wouldn't. No one likes others telling them what they
should or shouldn't do. Yet we are quick
to do this very thing because, basically, we have no respect for others’ rights
and freedom and not enough self-respect for ourselves?!
How is this, you ask?
Simply put, if we respected and honored others rights, we would not get
bent out of shape when we encountered others who were different from
ourselves..... No matter the reason, we continued to try to change people to
our belief system. We don't have that
right! Each person must follow his or
her own path. Who are you or I to not
allow the other this right? To live
their life as they see fit. My best
advice is to worry about your own path.
Strive to better yourself. Trying
to change others is like spinning your wheels on ice. Where does this leave you? I am not saying you should not help others if
you are asked. I am saying it would be
good to know the difference between when and when not to.
Now the part of no self-respect or, rather,
self-confidence. Usually, people with a
lack of self-respect and self-confidence are simply unhappy with their own lives. These people attempt to guide and control
others lives due to the fact that their own life feel beyond (out of) control;
therefore, there the need to control someone else, which allows for a feeling
of worthiness and importance. (Whether the control is through manipulation or
even "poor me" syndrome,) If
this is a part of your life, there may be self-confidence issues that need to
be addressed.
There is an old saying:
"If you don't love yourself, you cannot love another
authentically. Because if you are not
good for yourself, how can you be good for someone else?
Looking at ourselves first is the key that leads us to be
responsible and accountable for our actions and reactions, either through the
use of words or physical means.
I had to go through this learning process the hard way, on
my own. And now I am trying to help
others - all of you readers who may need assistance. I cannot do it for you. You have to do it for yourself. All I can do is offer my opinions and advice. I can only hope you will read all my writings
and apply what is helpful to you on your own journey through your specific life
situations.
to be continued.....
Picture is one of my drawings.
ANGER is one letter short of DANGER!
Greetings and hello again...Today I would like to talk about
anger and the reflections I have about this from the inside of this maximum-security
prison, and from my own life when I was younger. Hopefully some of my insights and
observations will help someone out there or someone you know with any
difficulties they might be having in this area...
I touched on this topic in one of my last writings called,
"The Power We Give Words." So,
let's start with me. As a child I
remember being angry with everyone and everything. The specifics are
irrelevant, but to allow the reader a better understanding, everyone around me
thought I should live life according to their beliefs. Family member against
family member world tell me the other is no good and lies...
I went through years of not knowing the truth about anything
in complete confusion. Everyone was
selfish to their own needs and wants and what they believed was right. I see this today by and from the inmates I am
surrounded by. They think it’s their way
or no way. They are right and everyone
else is wrong. I think many parents do
this with their children vs allowing the child to grow and have a mind of his
or her own.
I became a very angry child because I couldn't get the
answers that made sense and no one would let me be me. I learned quickly that
negative attention was better than no attention! I got to a place in life where I cared about
nothing except drinking and getting high.
You see, misery loves company.
I went to jail and prison several times. I got high in lockup and didn't care. They made me do drug classes and anger
management. But there is no such thing
as rehabilitation is you are not ready.
And I was in self-destruct mode.
Nothing anyone said or did would matter until I decided not to be angry
anymore and to live life differently. Unfortunately,
that was not until I was wrongly convicted that I decided to change.
I had relationships with women and some girlfriends, but none
worked out because we would try to control one another, and that never
works. I didn't love myself. Hell, I didn't even like myself, so how could
I be good for anyone else if I'm not good for myself. That had to change and it eventually
did. When I received this current prison
sentence I started a lot of self-analysis, watching, and listening to others.
You can learn a lot that way. I
watched the actions of the ones I was surrounded by - SOCIETIES WORST! Wow, I thought, I talked like that. Wow, I
acted like that. Wow, I was an ass-hole. A self- centered one at that.
I learned you have two choices, and I tell others in here
that. One is to admit you’re a piece of chit and that you really effed up and
try to rebuild and make your word good again because without honor, trust, and
worthiness, you are nothing.
Or you can become a braggart. I did this, I did that, and I had x number of
women. You get a false high from the
so-called attention inside from blowing yourself up. That happens on the inside
and out there. And then you start to believe
your own lies. The hardest for most is the first option. To face the truth and
take responsibility for yourself and your own actions. This is what I did. And then I decided not to be angry anymore.
Life is different and better for me now, even though I am
locked up. And all I had to do was stop
being angry and stop blaming everyone else for my own thoughts, feelings, and
actions. The hard part is that now I must
win it and be responsible. Before, I could just be made and make everything
everyone else's problem or fault.
I'd like to give you an example of this before I move
on: This guy I know of here in the
prison was making homemade wine. He was
punished by going to the hole. (Solitary) When he came out, he said to me,
"Clutch, I never would have gone to solitary if so and so hadn't
snitched!"
I said, "Are you serious?"
He said, "Yes!"
I proceeded to tell him he didn't go to the "hole"
because someone told on him, he went because he told on himself. He appeared to be confused, (imagine that)
and reiterated it was the snitches fault. I said I disagreed. Now he is becoming angry, which is a normal
response from people who don't understand.
Anger and violence are a normal first defense. Then I asked him if he
knew where he was at, and he responded with an affirmative. I asked if he was
aware that 80% of the people in here will snitch on you, and he again responded
with an affirmative. So, I continued,
considering we were getting somewhere.
My next comment was, "So if
you are aware that 80% are snitches, why did you tell most of that 80% that you
were making wine and then you showed them your product? Now whose fault is it
that you went to the hole?" You
told on yourself, and you need to take responsibility for your own actions.
I probably saved the rat from getting beat up that day, but
more importantly, I believe he "got it" and not to take the easy way
out every time.
Some of the "ones" here don't care so much for me
because I am so brutally honest, and because the truth hurts and because they
are faced with having to do the right thing or not.
So, when we are confronted with something we don't
understand, don't
Oh, that's right, I forgot, to ask questions might be to
admit to others, we are dumb....Obviously not having enough self-confidence
causes this action and reaction.
My observation from my personal life and the people around
me is that no one has been taught morals, principals, respect, understanding,
politeness, and a whole host of other things.
Until next time…..Clutch
My Texas Friend Talks Baseball with Her Son.....
Kids do not learn from being
continually told what to do. They do not find their path when someone else
(parents included) imposes their beliefs on them 24/7. I lived with someone who
had to have it their way always, (controlling) while I was growing up.
Children learn by being asked questions and shown the
consequences of their decisions and actions. Sometimes they have negative
results, sometimes positive. What and which do you think will stay with them
depends on how each is presented.
My Texas friend and I were conversing by phone one day.
She told me about her children, who are very into baseball and play every
season. She told me of an incident when, after a game, she and her son got into
the car, and her son said to her, "Mom, what did I do wrong in the
game?" I would rather his self-confidence would have told him what he did
right and therefore he wouldn't have been so immediately worried about what he
did wrong. But then, that is how society works with these children. It should
be viewed more as a game where we all make mistakes we can learn from! OK back
to the boy's question to his mother: "How did I do?" My friend and I
discussed an alternative answer for her to use. I suggested that when the boy
asks questions, she asks him questions instead of giving him the answers. By
giving him the answers, she is not allowing the child to grow and learn to make
personal decisions on his own as he is relying on Mom's answer. And by Mom
telling him what he did wrong, that takes all the responsibility off him for
his actions or inactions.
Ask him what he thinks he did right or wrong. Get him
to analyze his actions for the better or the worse. That gives him control to
decide, learn from, and make adjustments, which will build his confidence. It
doesn't matter if he thinks he did good or bad. What matters is that he is
analyzing and discussing his actions from his perspective, which builds his
confidence and teaches him how to navigate problems, versus Mom and Dad or
whoever answering how it should or shouldn't be done, which turns out to be "the
easy way out" for the boy who later in life cannot solve problems and may
become angry because he has no self-confidence. I am certainly not saying he
will be this way. This is only an example. I am also not saying this is the
answer for everyone, but it could be a useful tool to help. Thank you for your
time and for reading my thoughts.
Be safe. Be well. Be Happy, and communicate! Clutch out
til' next time
Back Into Your Communities with Messed up Attitudes...
This is actually an excerpt from the post, "My Way is
Not Always the Right Way."
Many of the men in here (Maximum Security Prison) will ask
and ask and ask relentlessly like a child until you give in and give them some
sauce or something to eat. It is easier
to just give it to them so they go away instead of argue or fight over
something that is yours. Reason why?
These guys will try to beat you up and take what you have if you don't give it
to them. Then if your honest and tell
them they are acting like a child they get offended and claim you have
disrespected them, try to fight you because they didn't get what they wanted.
They demand respect but have no clue what respect is or how to give it to
someone else.
There are those in here that know the difference but the
majority doesn't, and they aren't learning it which means they will go back out
into the communities with the same messed up attitudes.
Makes me want to go live way out in the country, back to
basics.....eat good non-processed food from the land.
Old Doc Whittenbach
No computers on the inside for typing or research. Only approved emails. That said, I am getting writer’s cramp making
ready the material my family posts for me on this website.
I have been spending some time talking to my new doctor
friend his name is Dr Whittenbach. He gives me medical advice as he specialized
in internal medicine. He is a very knowledgeable person which is hard to come
by in here. He speaks German, French and one other language I forgot. I am trying to help him where I can. I suspect he will die in here and he seems
grateful to have a friend. A rare thing
inside these walls. I told him he could give me some info if anyone needed to
be notified
should something happen to him. You see he was at hospital
for over week last time and not allowed to call or e-mail anyone. Prison officials didn't notify his family, so
I said we would help out if possible.
I told him just because some of society's worst are here, it
doesn't mean we all bad. There are some good guys here. He said, "That's nice to know, thank
you." Now that is a word not heard
but a couple times a year at this prison.
The doctor and I talked about morals and such. He said he is from an area where country
morals changed though the changing of my thoughts.
He smiles, pats me on shoulder, and says, "Very good
Clutch, you get it now." I
responded that it only took forty some years.
Very nice fellow whose been a doctor for 35 years. This is an alien planet to him in here, but
it must be something he needs to experience before his next life and moving
on....... he agrees.
Yet....caution is near because there are no friends
inside. Trust is nonexistent for each
one is out for a way out and lying certainly is not beyond any of them. They
are called "snitches." They
will say you confessed to being the rapist or murderer or whatever necessary to
get moved to a less dangerous facility.
My Executive Order J$$$$$$$$$$ .......by Julianna Rowe Somewhere along the way, politics changed my signature. I realize that sounds like ...
