I Just Met Jane from India! by Diane Ogden

You know that commercial where the guy answers the tech calls? He's a flippin' American with an accent from India and says his name is Jane!  Well I now know Jane!  His name is Satish Rama something.... He was sooosooo nice and intelligent and he checked my computer like a doctor checks my watusi-v!  I gave him total control of my computer,yup.  Let him use me, you know, have access, you know, to my computer thru far away access called remote, no joke.  I did think about it for a second.  Just like my marriages duh.  Thinking longer then a second would be good.  OK, so my virus control had stopped and I wasn't sure for how long.  Just ell-gone-o!  And he was showing me via remote from INDIA why? Because I called the # given for AVAST Security.  The only problem I experienced at that point was that he was sniffing over and over gobbs of sniffing gob. I thought I was going to pueck before he got it all down!  eeeww. Seriously! Every time he started to snort the snot I quickly moved the phone away from my ear for fear I would seriously lose it.  There isn't much that upsets my gag reflex but his oatmeal going down the tube was doin' it.  Reason? I lost my antivirus I PAID some corporation for so said corporate sent me to INDIA! JANE, who was trained to SELL me something. I did catch on 3/4's way thru. I thought it was TOO nice that he was doing all that for little ole mwah her in Wisco.... so at least I give myself a tad of credit.  And I did speak up and say,
Whoa Joe, I smell a rat from India named Jane."  I said, "I am thinking you want $. And the first question I asked you was, will this cost me, and you said no!"  So bye bye Janie.  Then I said, "I will never buy AVAST anti virus again." That is when he handed me to a technician who put my Avast anti virus back on my puter of which I paid for dag gummit. Where did it go anyway? I don't know and I don't know if my puter is OK.  My son told me to buy an Apple! They don't have these INDIA issues, they don't even know Jane.  But I do!  I needed to take my dog out but couldn't because Jane was trying to sell me a $299 plan so he could come into my computer and check it regular like. REMOTE! I told Jane that I used to be in sales and I recognized his talented intent.  I thanked him for his intelligence, asked him what time it was in India....told him I had to go now.  (FOR WHAT did I thank him?)  For wasting my time omg....I have so much to do before bed and morning.  Holy Cows.  I have to take Grace out to podie.
 Goodnight Jane and better luck on the next one.  I am sooo glad I am smarter then Jane who went to college!  Although I once bought an electrolux for the price of used car..... just means I have grown wiser with age is all.  The happy news for today is I caught the thief...and it only took two hours of my life to do it.  Screw corporate Jane in India! (caution: It's comin' this way folks...$2 an hour corporate pay, food lines)

SURVIVAL.......I must be one of the fittest! by Diane Ogden

In the past three days I have survived the "good cops, bad cops" deal with my employee and her boyfriend, an email from an unhappy client because said employee forgot to do most everything while thinking about her boyfriend whilst I am dealing with bad cop because bad boy boyfriend called my cell phone 42 times in a little over one hour, texted it, left messages of himself banging either his head (I hope) or her cell phone on something.  Class huh?

I survived setting up a website for someone having never done so before. Calling tech support at midnight yet never have figured out how to set up the widget so someone can subscribe. Rather important piece missing there. And probably the easiest to doo.

I survived my printer dying.  Especially because I just purchased $65.00 worth of unused ink. 
I survived my first pedicure and I am a few plus decades past when I should have had one.

I survived eating at some low rent Shit-zue Japanese food hut at the mall where it tasted like they poured sugar on the meat, rice, and veges. I nearly gagged eating the few bites I did, while watching Justin Beamer on the over sized screen above my little eating table.  My dog wouldn't even eat it.  I made a comment about it while paying $7 (wow deal) at Penney's for a pair of stretch, (I love stretch) work out pants.  She said, "Oh don't eat there, a lot of people have gotten sick."  At that point my brain is telling my stomach that a lot of people have gotten sick from the chit-hut I just ate at!!  What do you call that again?  Oh yeah, stinkin' thinkin'.  Or sickness by association of thoughts.  I forget the correct descriptive word. I survived it tho.

I have yet to survive my 86 year old Dad's surgery tomorrow morning.  I pray he lives because if he doesn't I am next in line for the wrath of "mother!"  I will only survive that because I will move far far away to the woods somewhere.

I also have to survive today's trip to the "funny farm" to visit Dad with the Grands(children) that is.  We will only stay two hours because that is all "mother" wants anyone (me) to stay.  Fine with me!'

I thought about what to say to Dad before he is wheeled away to surgery or heaven (oh God!). And I prayed on my bloody knees he wouldn't ask me to take care of "mother" if he passes on to heaven.  Because if he does I have a coughing plan in order to last as long as it takes until they wheel him away. No death bed promises coming out of my mouth thank you.  Not taking care of "mother!"  Think what you want, she's tough on me and always has been.  I have paid my dues to the world so guilt is not a button on my chest any longer!

I was going to stop and buy some fancy food to take to the funny farm today but we were told to come after lunch so why would I?  So my brother who has more money than God can eat it?  Not gonna happen!  I should have thought to take him some of the "Shit-zue Japanese Hut food."  LMAO (that means laughing my ars (that means ass) off in case I am the only one that didn't know that)

I also survived my little gremlin monster dog of 6 lbs. poo-ing in the apartment sun room and me stepping in it and tracking it allll about the room.  I smelled it but thought some large dog had deposited out side the window I was putting a fan into. Nope, Nadda, it was all over my shoe and seven other nice mushed spots on the light colored carpet.  So I left it until it dried the next day and vacuumed it right up easy. Don't worry I shut the door.  Think what you want, but any other technique smears it all in deeper down to the core of the backing and into the padding.  See?  I know what I am doing. Obviously I have been there before.  And for the record I do pick up the chucks before I shut the door.

I bought myself a honkin pair of feather earrings at J.C.Penney's. See photo of me trying to be cute. Truth is the other two pics were stupid so I chose trying to be cute. They hang down to my collar bone. I love them unless I am outside and the wind makes them tickle my skin.  Sometimes I forget I bought them and start swatting myself thinking they are bees!! How dumb is that? Picture that 8 x 10 glossy of me swatting my own neck and face outside for the world or at least a few in it to see that mess.  When I realize its just my honkin' new feathers I quickly stop and gain my composure and look around to see who saw. Like when you fall down in church and hope no one saw it.

I survived it.

 All that was only two days of my wonderful life!  And the funny farm is next on the schedule.....dear God (he knows the rest of that prayer because it's said before every funny farm visit )

And by the way Barb M.....it's all TRUE! 

Good Cop Bad Cop.....by Diane Ogden

Today started out in hell and then went deeper into darker hell.  I do not like to complain, but come on, hell is hell and who wouldn't complain about it.  I surely wont say, "Oh hell is wonderful and getting better." Or, "being is hell is quite the challenge and will make me a better person, and help me grow!"  S H U T U P!  No I don't like hell.  It's a chit pit!  The young girl that works with me goes with young boy who decided to live in jerksville today. (he lives there everyday!)  He takes her car, her phone, her $ and then calls my cell phone FORTY FIVE TIMES in an hour, texts it 19 times, leaves five messages with sounds of him banging his head or her phone, not sure which, but I can only hope, on the dash. He broke her windshield and threatened to do away with his human self.  Could we be so lucky. Okay Okay, I know...everyone deserves to live. (NOT so much.) This human person had me so upset my entire body was shaking.  I decided he needed to be turned in for harassment as I could not get him to stop and it was heading for 11:00 a.m.  I said to self and co worker:  Children are in hospitals, people are sick and dying, others need food, and this little piss ant is bombing my SMART phone that isn't smart enough to stop him.  So I call the PO-LICE!  Then his Mama who doesn't like him so much either, then I went to a Po-lice station I was so upset.  Is it legal to upset someone like that?  Guess so.

When I got there no one was home at the cop shop entrance office.......................  then an officer came out and asked me if I needed help, I said, "YES,"  just as my phone rang and it was the other officer so the first officer thought I was ignoring him and left the building.  What if I had needed help? And I did.  Then a very large lady officer came into the area with a very large police dog. I told her about the first and second officer asking me if I needed help and I said yes and then he left the building.  So she went and got a 100 year old white haired lady receptionist who came out five minutes later and  asked me my name and address.  Told me to sit, they would call for someone to come.  It took another half hour and then this officer, about my age came in to talk to me.  Then the deeper part of hell started.  He told me to "be quiet!" ( I was relaying the mornings events for Cops-sake!)  Nope no go.  Then I decided it was humor time.  He made a joke and I laughed and thanked him for making this easier. SHUT UP, I used reverse psych 101 doi.  Turns out the other officer went to little jerk boys home and told him to stop calling my smart phone that isn't smart enough to stop him itself.  Then the two bad cops talked on the walkie talkie like microphone on channel 8 and called me "subject 17!"   The entire situation was a total joke.  This young punk harassed me until my whole body was shaking.  He broke a windshield, was on drugs, was driving erratic, threatening himself and others, said he was going to kill himself and god knows who else on the hiway, bombed my phone with texts, calls, and messages....but told the officer this was all because he and his girlfriend got into a fight before work.  And that is how they left it!  Told me not to get involved.  R U Kidding me?  I asked if I could press harassment charges?  The old fellow told me nothing he could do would make this young man a decent person.  I said, "No, but it will show him he cannot legally do this to me, an innocent person, ever again."  But old bad cop just keep talking until I quit and left the building.  And they get paid for that.  The last few years I have had of po-lice interaction has been like this.  Very much hell, not help.  Only one little alphabetical letter (l vs p)  sure can mean a lot, huh?
I do not keep people in my life like this.  I don't hang out in chit pits! (like I was forced to today) I should sue the men in blue.  I left my mops to go see the cops. I turned him in, he's a piece of sin.
What was the good, he found out he could. I got stuck, by a smuck! Bad cops didn't stop, bad boy coy.  The Happy News for the day is:  I have the ability to move myself away from that chit pit and I will.  And I will bring happier news tomorrow.

Lost My Smart Phone....... by Diane Ogden

So this isn't my mouth, but its close, minus a couple wrinkly dinkos around the edges.  I was at J.C. Penney this evening as part of my end of day errands when suddenly I realized I could not find one of my body parts... that would be my cell phone that I have discovered is definitely part of me.  Too much a part in fact. Also while at the world of mall I became hungry.  Got purchased a piece of pizza with spinach on it and what I thought was mushrooms turned out to be those other things, you know, anchovies....eeewwww! And then to top this eve off I discover I walked all about asking people if they'd seen my phone with green spinach stuck in my pearly's. That piece of spinach and I talked to a multitude of folks all over the place.  It wasn't until I readied for bed that I noticed the hunk of green between my teeth.  Not only that, but I remembered this day as the day I married one of the husbands!  There were bound to be disturbances in the atmosphere for me considering ...... And then....my loaner phone rings!  Its mummie dearest.  Someone has called her and told her they found her # on a cell phone they found at the J.C. Penney's....  whalla, my phone is on its way home. That means I have to wait for the new phone to arrive in the mail from the insurance claim I filled out with spinach in my teeth. Then hurry and call somebody to say its all OK, stop the pro-cess!  Drive to UPS or FedEx and send new phone back, drive to US Cellular and have loaner shut down and old phone reactivated...Call to get $100 deductible returned before my car insurance gets taken out of the depleted account...for the not lost smart phone.  If the darned thing was so smart why couldn't they (the phone gods) find it?  I asked them that. I told them I have that find me if I'm lost app.  You know the app that can find me if some gorgeous hunk of love steels me. (duh) Or a robber person to be more exact. The other was wishful thinking.  Cell folks said I don't have that app.  Well chit! But then the good news of the day is I found the phone connected to my body brain and bones that shouldn't have been lost anyway.  Lapse in momentary sense caused down then back up results.  Just an inconvenience is all.  Even though when I got into the Buick without my phone I went directly into trucker talk......yet.....it all worked out.  Isn't that just life?  What did I have to do besides this anyway?  I got my shower, I had dinner, took the dog out....met some people that probably will be telling about the lady with the green spinach between her teeth for at least a few hours!  God I 'm glad they don't know my name.  Glad it's not on YouTube. Glad there is a tomorrow with brushed white pearls and $100 back in the insurance account just in case I wreck on one of the other marriage anniversary dates in the year.  (Won't happen, just kiddin')  Please pray??

Love a Dove, Love a Dove......or Two by Diane Ogden

I was in the middle of walking the dog this early morning when ten feet ahead of me lands a beautiful healthy dove. Then right behind that dove another one lands and there they sit! They just look at me! So I stop walking, pick up "doggie do little," and stare back, all the time thinking/wondering why they landed in front of me and didn't move for some time. They gave me such peace all the while cars are passing, people jogging on the other side of the street, noise from the highway. But for the doves and me, there was a sacred, peaceful moment in time.
I guess the Universe knows I have been introduced to the Animals Speak book by Ted Andrews that tells what it means when certain animals come in front of your person!  It is usually for a reason.  Even bats and skunks!

I woke up early today with some "stinkin' thinkin'" going on.  You know, the old "what is it all for?"  What is it all about anyway? What are we here for? To just work and then die?  Oh yeah, stinkin' thinkin' for surely!  Stopping life wasn't an option so I made my lunch and proceeded out the door with the infamous half Chihuahua half Pomeranian gremlin looking dog for her morning poddie poo. That is when it happened.  The doves landed. And they were trying to tell me this: And this is copied directly from the book: Although its song is heard all the day, it seems more distinct at dawn and dusk. These are the "between times" in which there is a thinning of the veils between the physical and the spiritual worlds, the past and the future. The song of this totem (animal) tells you to mourn what has passed, but awaken to the promise of the future. It is the bird of prophecy and can help you see what you can give birth to in your life. The dove is actually a smaller copy of  the now extinct messenger pigeon.
I would say I was sent a message by the beautiful pair of morning doves telling me I was born for a reason and it "aint" over yet.
 

Mashed Potatoes! by Diane Ogden

So I called Grandpa (dad) to see if he got food for dinner so he can sleep!  He told me Grandma (mother) made a big dinner with baked potatoes and he was happy!
Man!! one (daughter) never knows what to believe or act on.... The Happy News for Today is Papa Grandpa, age 86, got his potatoes! And can sleep....Which he lives for as a farmer!  Jeezers and Shheessh!
Nite

photo from:  www.happyhints.com

The Obituary.... by Diane Ogden

So my father is 86 now.  He has been a healthy man most of his life with the exception of a kidney stone.  Why his incision appeared as though they were cutting him off at the waist. Of course this was several decades ago.  Then he has a bowel obstruction which caused gangrene and he lived through that also.  Now at 86 he had open heart surgery to repair and replace a valve so he could withstand the kidney they have to remove (due to cancer) this month.  This all being said, he asked me to write his obituary.  Sshhheeesshh!  yet....I answered in the affirmative and with all the maturity I could muster saying, (Without the Tara Southern drawl) "Why of course Father, whatever you wish Father."  Then when I got out in my Buick I screamed....nnnnooooooo, I don't want to write an obituary for a living man, my father.  But I did.  You see he wants to see if I miss anything cool he has done in life.  Pretty sure I missed a couple things, but hit the high points for sure.  It is now ready for his "viewing!"  (Isn't that a pun?) Today he is upset because Mother is refusing to cook for him anymore.  He told me he cant sleep well because his belly isn't full.  They get meals on wheels at noon and mother eats the other half for dinner, where as dad makes himself a sandwich.  I recommended he buy some mashed potatoes at his favorite diner and munch on them all week BEFORE BED!  I told him when the other sibling asks him if things are going well and he says yes after I have told them NO, it makes me look bad and places me in the middle.  So...where to go from here?  He wants to go to a nursing home where they like him.  Hey, I married the first creeper that came along to get away from "home" thinking the creeper liked me.  O well let by goners be by goners they say. Anyway he died and moved on to other places where he can con other peoples or spirits. Or who knows he may have actually lived long enough to have learned something this round.

Back to Father.  I wrote a very lovely obituary.  Sounds like mortuary or contrary.  I did not say one word about the whippings or never taking me to the doctor when I couldn't breath, nope none of that stuff cause by goners are by goners by Godly!  And sometimes Father's do try to make up for their parenting mistakes as the years pass of which this Father has truly done.  Nobody is a perfect parent and some are less perfect than others but usually before their end times, they can stop working and sit down and think and remember and regret and sometimes even say I am sorry.  Mine didn't say anything, but he did other nice things.  Now look, he is lacking in food and for sure love.  He is such a jolly fellow.  Not to Mother I guess.  They are on that same merry-go-round wheel Esther and the Colonel are on.  Fighting, nastiness, sarcasms, meanness and apparently false starvation...mean nothing positive on this earth! Their just pissin' in the wind!  Wasted energy! Negative breeding ground! Of course he does need to get enough food.  Guess I will take him some mashed potatoes next time I go to the funny farm.  He is going into a kidney removal surgery with some very negative mental feelings in ten days.  After 86 years on earth working very hard .....I see that as very sad.  But The Happy News for today is:  He still has time. (for me to get those potatoes to the funny farm in time) 

Esther and The Colonel (she hates blue)......by Diane Ogden

Esther called me today.  I answered with the standard "hello."  All I heard on the other end was, "O - M - G!  Esther had verbalized each letter very clearly and distinctly.  I immediately said, "What, what's going on Esther?"  That is when she started talking and didn't stop for twenty minutes easy does it.  The Colonel had gone out and purchased them a new broom.  Not any broom mind you, a BLUE broom, because he knows Esther hates blue.  Her Mother loved blue and Esther has no fond memories of her mother, only her father. 
Esther and the Colonel live and ride life on a circle.  Like one of those rides at the corner park where you run and get it going and then jump on for the spin.  I forgot the name of that dingy thing.  I should rather say dizzy thing.  I never liked it and still have not so fond memories of it.  Anyway...that is how Esther and the Colonel live, like they are on that mini merry-go-round that isn't so merry!  And no one is willing to jump off and stop the dizziness.  So they fight passively with blue broom type deals.  Heck, the Colonel is so good at this game he buys everything blue he can find.  Blue blankets, blue can openers, blue coffee makers of which Esther returns with a vigor.  Blue shorts, blue shirts, blue socks, blue rags, and he even bought himself a blue car once. He writes Esther notes on the easy erase  board with bold blue marker! When he ordered Pizza he demands it delivered in a blue box. After the car purchase incident I thought Esther was going to die, but I told her she couldn't. She has to outlive him or he will put her in a blue dress, with blue hair, in a blue coffin, with blue flowers on top. That being said, Esther sat down and drew the floor plans for her new home when the Colonel leaves this wonderful earth and life without Esther.  Yup she's ready freddie. Now its just a waitin game.  She shakes and he drinks.  Yet on occasions they go out for dinner, they meet friends in happy places, and they have family over, and they have me over too.  I guess raising her three daughters, Hester, Cherrie, Cherrie's daughter Lexus, and Ramos, make that four......he is womaned out.  Can you imagine?  As for the coffins... not going there...I was just jokin cause what you give you get in return and I do not nor are I ready for a blue coffin! The happy news of the day is the Colonel is quiet, in his cave, watching the TV and resting for the next round with Esther and the girls.

This Month at Crazy Island by Diane Ogden

I call my complex "Happy Hollow," my neighbor calls it "Crazy Island."  The sign out front used to say "Luxury Apartments" until the maintenance guy was instructed to figure out how to stop the front yard from being called "chit island" by the tenants, considering this is the dog building.  So he wenteth out and purchased two VERY LARGE plastic (which retains odors) garbage receptacle's and placed  those big BLACK hunks of smell at the front door entrance which I thought was beyond brilliant, not! And another at the North and South entrances. On hot summer days it is so pleasant when someone opens said black plastic large "chit can" to deposit a little green bag of doo doo. Again NOT!  All one hundred thousand other doo doo's from other dogs comes rushing out of the container and into the air floating over into my apartment or the neighbors depending on the direction of the wind!   Refreshing? Luxury?  And they are not emptied daily or even weekly. That is only the beginning of my happy "tails" of this place.  It is managed by a man who also manages the lowest most crime ridden complex in the city, meaning he treats us luxury tenants like the folks from the lowest end of town with the high crime lights in their yards. We don't have high crime lights we have dog fodder! There is/are no maintenance staff on call at this site.  I cant tell you how many times the fire alarms have gone off in the middle of the night.  It looks like the humane society on strike out front.  Dogs and owners in robes and some less than robes thinking the darn place is going up in smoke all segregated on the front sidewalks with flashlights.  Imagine what those over sized black cans of poop would smell like on fire.  Some of you have imagined the old days when you put a sack of poop on someones porch, lit it on fire and rang the doorbell, then ran like the wind.  Same song, different era.  There was never any fire, just lack of maintenance is all.  I went out into the hall to check for smoke and by Godly if it weren't pitch blackness.  Only ONE of the eight emergency fire lights was working. ONE! Again, maintenance not doing their monthly battery checks for at least ten years. That would be 12 months per year times ten years equals.....120 months now that I have a new battery in my calculator. 
Six months ago they found out the office girl was stealing $.  Yup, she got "away with" six figures...$35,000 of it was my hard earned money.  Turns out it was for drugs. BUT, the manager, knowing he would lose his job brought his accountant wife in and the two of them spent at least two weeks 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, playing cover up machines in the dim lit luxury office.  Then....they called in the men in blue who gave it to the detectives in blue who gave it to the auditors who couldn't find what happened.  Imagine that?  The old boy has been working with the low side of town so long its rubbed off on his ars and moved to his brain.  I still cant believe she got away with it.  P.S.  Hester, Esther's daughter worked here in the office but is being ejected due to her noggin issues.  More on that later as its bigger than the poop receptacles and almost as bad.  The happy news from "crazy island or happy hollow" today is that I think they fixed the underground garage door opener so we can get out now and go to work. But the humongous ginormous chit cans are still sitting downwind!  

Burned Biscuits....an email forward

I have never forwarded a forward on my blog but this one is an exception: 
I do not know who wrote this but if I find out I will add their name to this post!

When I was a kid, my Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner
every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she
had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening
so long ago, my Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely
burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if
anyone noticed!
Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my Mom and ask
me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that
night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that
ugly burned biscuit. He ate every bite of that thing... never made a
face nor uttered a word about it!
When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my Mom
apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget
what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits every now and then."
Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if
he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and
said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real
tired. And besides - a little burned biscuit never hurt anyone!"
As I've grown older, I've thought about that many times Life is
full of imperfect things and imperfect people. I'm not the best at
hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like
everyone else. But what I've learned over the years is that learning
to accept each other's faults - and choosing to celebrate each others
differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a
healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.
And that's my prayer for you today... that you will learn to take the
good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the
feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able
to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!
We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is
the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or
friendship!
"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep
it in your own."
So, please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burned one will do just fine.

I Slept with Andrew and Ben For Two Days! by Diane Ogden

 I thought I should have to learn how to find a food pantry this week.
You know one of those churches where the food is all outdated and they stand there and tell you just how much you can have. I only know because someone told me!
I lost ten Andrews and two Ben's for two days.  I searched my apartment top to bottom including trash. I searched my Buick, my purse, and my brain.  I started worrying I might have the big brain A disease and I don't mean Aides either.  I mean the forget who you are and where you been one.  I went ahead and went to my million dollar hair cut appointment with faith, (not foolish faith) that I would find all my Andrews and Ben's somewhere and if I didn't I would  not stress my usual, I would merely suck it up and sit until the next payday.  I came home from the hair doo deal and also stopped to purchase half a million in ink for the printer in case that is all I had to do all weekend.
I took my recycled ink to store and they gave me $6 which I don't get for two months in the form of a check by mail.  S H U T U P!  I needed that $6 this week people. That is when I noticed I was down to $7 in the wallet. I went home, watched a movie, burned some sage to clear the mental air of feeling "broke," and went to bed.  Often when I burn sage and breath a couple minutes of it, diluted in the air of course, I have amazing dreams. (I learned that from the Indians, in a book of course, not that I have person Indian friends.) One of those dreams of which I am writing a novel from.  Truth.  This night I had a nice peaceful sleep with no worries of Andrew and his brothers and or Ben or upcoming hunger.  I woke at 6:30 a.m. thinking I did not want to rise and shine. Thinking about what I would do for two days with without the "boys."  That is when the sage in the back of my brain from the night before said VERY QUIETLY, almost unrecognizably that it was time for me to wash the pink blanket I was covered with. Then I saw paper bills under the blanket IN MY MIND.  Then I forgot all that as quickly as I thought it. They say the spirit works that way.  I got out of bed, looked at the little dog laying on the pink blanket, not wanting to disturb her but did anyway. I flipped the corner of the pink blanket up and back and OMG there was three of the brothers and one Big Ben!  My mind scrambled.  I looked down and at my feet were more and under the bed more.  I love it when I find more money than I thought I even had.  Of course I keep track of my money.  I let up for one evening and bingo dingo cant do that ever again.  Into the red pouch when not in front of my shining face! The face now facing that marvelous martha money.  (Martha S is rich remember even though she has a horrible personality, she is rich none the less) And I do associations of the brain if you recall.  I am so happy I can pay my cell phone bill with Ben, and buy food and gas with the Andrews Brothers!  And there be some cash flow left over from last weeks labor.  Maybe I'll get that Keurig Coffee machine I have wanted for so long.  No wait, I have to send money to the prison for son number #1.   That's a diff blog, another day.  Need I say what the good news for today is!  Smokie some natural sagie and find monies! 

Esther's Bloody Knee's, The Colonel Disappears by Diane Ogden

I guess it 's time for another Esther and the Colonel update.  My smarty phone has been bombed the last few days regarding Hester and Cherry.  Cherry is Hester's sister and Esther's other female child.  Cherry stays away from Hester pretty much. Says Hester is out of the loop, crazy, nutzo.  Cherry has a child named Lexus.  I know, I know, its a car.  They couldn't afford the car so they named the unexpected child Lexus. This is her car and her workshop in the photo. Of course I am embarrassed for knowing these people.  Yet, it's good material for the part of my brain that searches the earth for humor.  These people fit the bill perfectly.  Couldn't find a closer fit to Archie Bunker and family if I worked at it.
So.... one of Esther's calls is near frantic.  Hester has borrowed her car again and while backing it out of the garage she hits the wall and cracks the mirror housing on the passenger side.  OMG (that means Oh My God!) for the lone one person that doesn't know that.  OMG, Esther is anal about her Buick.  It's not a new one and she has it detailed, new paint job, any imperfections repaired including the undercarriage of the old Buick she calls "Inez."  Not my choice of car names for sure...but then I wouldn't name my child Hester either.  The car mishap is a major issue, but Hester's living arrangements are even more major.  She wants Esther to go with her to talk to her landlord who has evicted Hester for living in nutzville while at his complex.  But Hester has the "goods" on this "Clyde" considering she worked for him for three years before he figured out she was off the charts and needed a lobotomy for sure, to be able to even co exist on earth, much less his complex.  Yet no white truck with men in white suits has arrived.  Nope.  The chicken spined landlord has actually let her talk him into staying longer.  Even though he has letters from frightened tenants, threats to him from Hester herself, he's had to change locks due to her paranoid psychotic fear of the delivery man, her threats to sue the phone company because they broke into her apartment and put bugs in all her wall outlets and phones, her threats to sue him because she is a disabled person!  And the list goes on.  But he let her stay.  I feel so protected! Especially when she stops her car and screeches to me, "Forgive me, I was wrong!"  I just look away thinking, "You are one of the ones who flew over, no landed in the coo coo's nest. Esther is on her knees and has been until they are bloody....asking God to please move Hester across the pond, or at least North to Alaska.  I told Esther that might cost her more considering the distance.  She said no way Alaskan Hose'.  Head her up and move her out! 
I have to tell you I am watching Esther shake herself to death.  And The Colonel is just leaving the area of his home and den/cave every chance he gets.  Maybe I am a drama queen cause I actually look forward to Esther's chit so I can find laughter in this world.  Sad I find it in this psychotic mess.  Humm I might should rather search out some support group.  Or not.  Oh, Lynn next door had her boobs done.  They are now el natural!  She isn't so sure they are big enough though.  Huh?

photo from: www.nb-fotosw.de  

Troubles Build Character! by Diane Ogden

As a person passes thru each decade, be it two or six or eight or ten, they always hear the words, "Tough times build character!"  S H U T - U P already.   I have heard that saying for a couple more than a few decades.  I want you all to know that is why I have slowly become quite the character!!

 That is the only excuse I can think of.  When bad things happen to good people its to build their character so I have heard??   When tragedy strikes it will build you!!   When you lose everything, don't worry, your getting built!  And boy am I built.  Then after more decades of character building, your mind and body stay characterized, however your character body begins to wilt in all areas, inside and out....but boy do you die with one heck of character. Probably because it is so tired of working at its character.

 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

I am not on speaking terms with trouble.  Well, maybe a little.  That is why I am such character.  I am a builder....a character builder.  I run from it but it has a bigger motor than I do and it chases me. 
I would have the home with the two white rockers and the garden if I weren't such a character! (builder, that is)
I say those people who made up those sayings are nutz.  But then there is an excuse and/or a reason for everything including troubles.  I am sure troubles is just another word for a glass half FULL, (of troubles that is)   Just kidding of course.  Me, I have all I need.....of troubles that is.  Just kidding I said.

Associated Bank plus Jake! by Diane Ogden

I stopped at the bank today to do some regular business.  I told the teller I sent a nasty email to said bank for charging me to transfer my own money from one account to another!  The teller turned to a young man saying, "She is mad at you! She emailed you this morning!"  The young banker man said, "I don't even know her. I didn't do anything!"  The teller and I finalized the smart transaction of less than a million $. I was about to leave when banker man asked why I was mad at the bank.  I told him, so he invited me to his big fancy banker desk (I have one too) to research the theft of my own $ issue.  While he was checking me out, nawh, I mean my account of course cause I am a couple decades beyond him... I began to tell him that if I met him on the street I would know he was a very competitive man, possibly his own worst enemy, and possibly a critical person whose numbers and energies will help him get wherever he wants and needs to be in life.  His eyes got quite large.  I continued to do a numerological reading for him and his eyes continued to grow quite large.  He was amazed because I was right on! Then we did his X girlfriend whom he is not over, (a 3 year relationship ended by phone??) yet he is with a new love, who I did a numerological reading for!  eeww.  He makes calculated decisions, not from the heart nor from the HEAD and HEART!  Poor kid.  Possibly I poked him enough to where he might find his true self.  Not sure. He used to be a pro baseball boy who became injured and ended up a banker man.  Sucks for him he says. I say he just needs to wake up and live without the continual calculations.  Odd thing was my daughter stopped in at the bank that same day and told me she sat with a hot banker for two hours who helped her with some issues. Odd? Ya think?  My daughter lives in a different city, and I never stop and sit with banker boys.  humm
photo from: www.mennoweekly.org

A Little New Orleans on Sommers Street, Madison, WI by Diane Ogden

Sometimes I enjoy simply taking photos of things that make me happy when I look at them.
These statues grace a home on Sommers Street in Madison, Wisconsin.  I was hoping to capture the stream of water pouring into her handheld cup.  There were many more statues in the back yard but it was gated.

This is a normal home approximately one hundred and many years old.  It has been turned into two apartments upstairs and I suspect the owners live downstairs. 

Isn't the boy in knickers walking his bike under the Victorian light post AMAZING?  

I give these owners mega kudos for sharing their passion with all of us who drive by and live close.  The flowers around the house are equally amazing as the statues.  It must be blessed!

Lynn's Upgraded Porch! by Diane Ogden

This is Lynn's week for out with the old and in with the new.

That would be her old porch to the left (new on the right) which included an empty wooden bookshelf, a hot pink bucket, a snow shovel, (It would August right now) and the infamous metal folding chair which has caused her bottom some serious degree burns on occasion considering the porch is facing West afternoon sunshine.  I kept hinting what stores had comfy cheap chairs on sale.  She said, "OK!" Yet nothing month after month.  (Remember its August now)

Lynn informs me that mid week she will be going into re-do surgery.  I said, "Re-do what?"  She told me her boobs.  OMG!  New boobs because the old ones are slippin, well one is anyway, and the new national trend is back to the old national trend called silicone.  El-Na-tu-ral! But El-painful, under the muscle and over the something else.  I forget.  Her nurse friend is coming to nurse her back to health.  Not sure I like those words considering we are talking boobs.  Start overs:  Her friend who is in the nursing profession will be staying with her during her recovery time.  Considering this fact Lynn must have figured her porch needed a lift too? OMG did you catch that? Me too.  Sooo she calls me on the smart phone and tells me she got a new chair or two on sale.  I said I would be right out with my camera and my dog.  And by godly if she didn't clean porchville.  She even bought a new LED porch lite. This would be Lynn covering her head because I am always taking pictures of her when she has no make up on.  Wait until I get the after surgery shots!  No I wont do that, maybe.

Just think, it took surgery to get this done.  Oh and no more hot butts on this porch. Well, you know what I mean.  With all these upgrades going on Lynn is "liable" to get herself a new boy toy and an invite to the local Frosty Ball this here year!

I can tell you she is lhao as she reads that last line.  (laughing her a__ off)

Esther Says She is Going to Kill Hester! by Diane Ogden

Esther called me this morning while I was driving to a client, so I tapped the speaker button on my fancy phone!  Boy am I sorry I did that.  Esther was foaming at the brain because Hester borrowed her Buick again and was not back in time for Esther's appointments.  Hester has a nice new used Jaguar she parked in Esther and the Colonel's gay-rage because she is sure it is bugged just like everything she owns is bugged including her toilet paper roll as well as the outlets in her apt.  Actually I think she prefers to use Esther's gas vs her own cash flow gas considering she has been evicted from her cohabitation existence due to her excessive calls and talks to the several tenants in the complex.  She believes at least 35 of them have infiltrated the property mainly so they can stalk her, for the real stalker who met her a couple times three years ago and never dated her.  Poor sucker happened to be a delivery man to the complex she lives and stalks/works at who has no interest is Hester Bester.  Back to my point!  Esther finally gets her Buick back from Hester who pulls in an hour and forty five minutes late to Esther's driveway.  Esther motions with her shaking hands (do recall she has some sort of tremor condition called Hester tremors)for Hester to "GET THE FLOCK OUT OF MY CAR!"  Hester merely moves over to the passenger seat. Esther says, NO NO , get out bad girl who is late bringing my Buick home!  Hester says in her narcisstic voice, "How dare you speak to me in that tone in front of all those foreigner roofers working up there! (Like they can speak English anyway duh)  Esther pointed her finger at Hester and said, "Get out!"  Of which Hester did.  That is when my phone rang.  And then it rang again after the car man told Esther that she needed to hustle on over to the car wash and get all the clay off her Buick.  CLAY?  What?  Where does a person drive where there is clay in Wisconsin.  I think Hester drove to Arizona cause Esther said the gas she put in was GONE. 

Now Esther is blaming herself for how Hester has turned out crazy looney.  I said, "No No, it is all because of the auntie handing down the crazies. You remember Esther? The crazy auntie Alice you found sitting on the floor eating cat food. BINGO, DINGO!  You got yourself a generational nother one.  Esther told me she's had it.  No more blaming herself for Hester's narcissism and mental coo-coo-ville-ness, the correct term being psychcotic meaning serious.... hello.
Back to my point. Esther is on my fancy phone on speaker telling me she is going to Kill Hesther and saying the fluch word several times over.  I told her no no, only because I just got my bail bond money back from the Pottawatomie County for bailing the G-daughter out of jail.  No cash left for gettin' Esther out for murder in the planning degree.  I said calm her down Esther and just then Harry starts to barking and speaking in tongues of which Esther understands.  Harry needed to go out of the doors of the inside for poddie time.  So Esther and I talk for as long as the cordless can handle the distance....Esther says, This is a revolting development Di, and if I Die, the keys to the buick are in the back of the linen closet in the bag of depends!"  I said, "OMG Esther, do you use Depends?"  She said the fluck word to me and then all I heard was static.  Hum, Harry and her must of got out of range.....  "Home Home on the range, where the dogs and the Hesters do play...and maybe pay... The End 
The Happy News for today is that Esther won't kill Hester.  It's all talk.

photo from: http://erkerk.tunblr.com/
crazy nell photo from: http://cinemademerde.com/Alice_Sweet_Alice

Demon's Demon's Damn Demon's! by Diane Ogden

I want to say one thing.  There really are demons out there.  I know because just know.  I tell everyone I know to stay under the demon radar.  Same as under the police radar, not to implicate police as demonic of course not. Well....hhumm
Anyway, today was interesting to say the least. Today was toast. And it was toast because of Budfest, or bookfest, or rockfest, I cant remember the name of the fest, all I know is my daughters guy friend went to it and got so drunk he cant recall what an idiot he was.  The demon police called my daughter to come get demon drunk him, then told her he wasn't safe to come get.  So a cab brought him home and on the way he threw up in it which cost him $100. When at his home where he slept and threw up and slept and threw up and so on plus more, he became angry that no one took care of his sorry naken fat butt.  Then comes the demons out of his dirty drunken out of control body. How else would they get in huh?

They are in the house, in the air, in the toilet and everywhere.  He, the culprit, drunk from the fest, leaves.  His car died after his accelerator stuck, I suspect his windows shattered although no one mentioned that. As well as his head was spinning as in "Linda Blair."  Then his heart started racing, duh, ya think, then he was mean spirited, ya think? The front door of his house totally came off the hinges and fell apart, ya think? His one daughter, age 7 was scared because she said little angry boxes on strings were hanging in the air all around her head.  Call the asylum? No, call the Priest for crying out loud sakes.  What a bunch of chit.  My phone is getting bombed by the daughter needing demon help part of the afternoon.  Hey, I said I would pray.  After I pray for the demons to go, I throw up in my mouth and almost choke to death.  Oh great! Like that has never happened. I knew immediately I had gotten pulled into the green slime shit bucket of demonic dorks.  I survived but not without fear and discomfort.  At my next clients house my teeth started feeling like lightning bolts were striking them. I had to leave the job early to find a dentist and a few thousand dollars on the way to pay him. Then it suddenly stopped.  I text the daughter to see where she is.  She is on her way to her work out class.  My teeth are on fire from her friends demons and she is fine.  Well isn't that just the way it goes.  The Happy News of the day is:  I'm fine, I'm good, call the priest, do not call me and dump your demons on me
NA More! Not only all this today, but I found out my neighbor is having her boobs re-done and will be screaming "why did I do this?" Afterwards.  I will feel very helpless. Her Mom will be there, so maybe I should just be and feel helpless.  After all I didn't do it.  My boobs are just fine, it's hers that are going to make her scream.  Mine make me scream for different reasons. If I have to scream, too bad I don't have a fixed pair to scream over.  Maybe I will make her soup. No, No, she doesn't have the flu doo! Her boobs do. And I cant do anything for them.  And I wont pray so no demons come on her boobs.  That already happened. That is why she is having a re-do. I think this is a separate blog humm.   

Noises In My Head Come Out My Mouth by Diane Ogden

Yes I am one of those people whose thoughts sometimes come rolling out my mouth, but not before thinking, especially while I am driving.  The other day I was day driving dreaming about a few of the nastier people that have "un-graced" my life and a few that have ungraced other peoples lives that I know when suddenly out of my brain cells comes a strange little voice (I changed my voice because I am a very nice person who wouldn't think of saying nasty things about anyone, WRONG) The voice change just gives me a fake excuse for the bad thoughts that came out my mouth.  Hey, if the tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? Of course it does. If I speak bad things and no one hears them, does it matter?  Of course it does! 

But I did it anyway cause I have some strange way of having fun all

by myself.  The little voice dropped a couple octaves and began

speaking to "the" nasty person bully:

"I am so blogcramed sick of your mouth.

Why don't you go jump in the neighbors pool and forget to hold your breath. 
I don't want you to die, just choke a little to see how it feels.

Hey, go dip your finger in hot mustard then lick it and scream! So you know how it feels.

Rent a truck and drive to the top of a mountain and run out of gas, or drive to Peru!

Go bury yourself in the mud like a sow like the shitty mess you made for others.

Throw yourself in front of a truck, but I don't want to watch, I don't like messes.

I wish you were a frog so you could jump away in the grass, far away, you green dumb frog.

I'm fine, your not!  But then your not driving and talking chit about an imaginary rotten bully person.

So what.

You should stop the bitching, day and night bitching.  Nagging ragging bag you are. Stop it.

You should go to a mountaintop so you can hear the spirit speak to you.  So you can learn  before you die.

The old saying is:  Live and Learn, not die and learn. Then its too late jerk off bullie butt.  If you die there is much unfinished business..... 

See:  I'm fine and your going to die with unfinished business. NOT ME...I just said it all and got it out.

I'm good!! I'm really good!