The Suffocating Turkey by Diane Ogden

This morning I woke up suffocating in a darn avalanche and woke up screaming "I'm scared."   Duh isn't that an intelligent scream for the situation.  I have to tell you it was awful and might as well have happened cause it did, to me in the dream. Thank God I woke up.  Makes me take a deep breath as I type this.

I am seriously wondering if it was a pre-empt to the after Thanksgiving Turkey I baked this evening.  It was one of those breasts because I have an issue regarding boning or it that bone-ing a turkey.  One of my x husbands used to be the boner.  (sorry) And ever since he left I have hated bonering the turkey.  Beats the crying Secretary of State for sure.  If you don't get that watch the news on occasion.  Back to todays turkey.  It was done but lily white so I removed the plastic turkey cooking bag and turned the broil button on.....  I walked away.  But something turned me back. Probably the suffocating dream or the angel of suffocation was in my kitchen to save my ars because when I opened the oven door to check on Tula Turkey, SMOKE poured up and into my face and down into my lungs.  Eeeww.  I shut the door, turned the oven off....ran to put all apartment fans on and panted.  Would you say that might have been the beginning of hyperventilation.  Then the thoughts ran rampant.  You know the thoughts a person gets moments before death.  Don't laugh.  I thought, chit I should let her burn, collect the insurance so I could finally move out of this notsopositive area of the country.  Then I thought, chit let her go, lest you forget how many hot fireman show up when the oven is on fire.  Stop, think of all that money the fat cat insurance company will pay for smoke damage that is real!  God bless that Tula Turkey!   No wait....the six pound dog might die and the 7 pound cat might suffocate too, not to mention I have a night shirt on that is twenty years old, well not quite, as well as I need a serious hair new doo cut and I think it's illegal on some level.  But then what the insurance companies do to folks could be called illegal too.  That sentence could continue on for a week but not today.  I am trying to overcome suffocating from first snow and now smoke inhalation suffocation.  ENOUGH I SAY!  I dont like it.  And I wouldn't miss Christmas for nothing or is that anything?  Already bought five presents for my family.  I love it even though spending money can be suffocating.....  the good kind that is. Moving on as we all should do in all good faith. Wait, forgot to tell you when I carved the blessed thing and took a bite it tasted like it had been soaked in SUGAR.   I dislike sweet meat, eeww.  I put some salt on it but that only tasted like I salted a spoonful or sugar, ick-so. Why in the name of decent food would companies inject SUGAR into a turkey.  Yuk :(   It was almost like eating gummy worms in the shape of turkey. To think I almost went to prison for insurance fraud smoke damage over a sweet turkey!  omg seriously??  NOT

(My spell check is not working)

Seriously....is That a Pool Table? by Diane Ogden

Who'd of ever thought a pool table would resemble this.....this......stainless steel wood chopping table.
Where's the balls?  Where's the pockets? Where's the sticks? I know cue's.  The cue's have their own fancy smancy closet holder near the stainless steel chop block pool table.  I am notsosure I like it.  But then I am simply not used to it I guess. 

Can you picture this 8 x 10 glossy of the girl leaning backwards with her cue behind her back trying to play coolness on this sterile ground?  Nope me either, but then I never liked or enjoyed watching girls/women leaning backwards doing that thingy anyway.  I guess this is the new sleek classy "up and coming" way of the game of pool.  And its really okay.  Because that other Mr. L.E.Phant below on the right is a hog.  Actually a good analogy would be the old honker pool table reminds me of those old bee hive hairdo's.  The new one reminds me of the commercials for Dove or VO5 hair products where the woman's long beautiful hair resembles a peaceful still mirrored lake flowing gently back and forth. 

I guess that means I'm sold. 

Actually I walked into one of my clients newly decorated "basement"  (think we need a new name for that) and there it was....sleek and slender and beautifully placed there.  The floor was a new kind of cork with a beautiful design in the center of the room.  Nothing overtaking for sure.  The other interesting sight was the theatre room.  Oh yeah.  It was nice and became considerably nicer when I caught a view of the invoice for installation and I think the product itself.... Sit down....$7, 658.00 just for the TV and sound and some one to hang it.  Or maybe just the install?

I'm okay.....I have a good used Buick, food in my refrig, clothes on my back, a few dollars put away, a roof over my head, more than one pair of shoes, socks with no holes, (undies too), a laptop, life insurance, I need to do that living will as soon as I am finished here.....and a license plate that says ALSWELL whether it is or not.  I think that's called Faith.  I really don't want that pool table or Entertainment system.  I do want a Lexus 350 rss or whatever that SUV is called.  White please. 

Mike Rowe, The Ford Man.......by Diane Ogden

Just for the record I love the Ford Man!  The one hanging out at the mall on commercials this month.  OMG I truly would steal him from Ford in a nano-second.  Baseball cap and all.  But today  I met or at least saw his match! Indeed.   I was frequenting the local Whole Foods store when whalla there he stood in all his magnificent splendor!  And there I stood in my work clothes meaning elastic pants slash thick socks and double chin I have been working on.  Well not too bad, but a chin that I would consider having a plastic surgeon remove part of.  I am not overweight, but I am getting on in years which only means if I see a magnificent fellow I raise my hand and pretend I am doing something near my neck to hide that turkey goblet thingy.  Oh I don't have a turkey thingy.....just a tiny bit of my body that is not as tight as it used to be. Okay?  Back to the magnificent creature who locked eyes with me.  I have read that if said woman is interested she should lock eyes with the male party she is interested in but what do you think I did?   I got insecure and looked away from this gorgeous piece of human being with no ring on.  OMG.  Not only that but I did it several times. He had steel grey hair, long fingers that were scooping up organic foods from the buffet.  I swear no matter where I went in that store he was there and we locked eyes momentarily, yet nothing.  I mean what?  Was I supposed to follow him to his car?  Was I supposed to say, "Hello, you have now replaced "The Ford Man" in my endeavor to find love and sex and sex and love and maybe a walk on occasion. 

Why didn't I get that haircut I need so badly?  Why didn't I wear my nice clothes?  Why didn't I maintain eye contact?   Why didn't I follow that man to his car?  Why didn't I lay down in front of him and say, "Here I am, the one you have searched for all your life!"  Why?   Because.....  Because pretty men are usually trouble.  That's why.  And because I for some reason felt insecure.  Why? Because pretty older men like pretty younger women and I was trying to cover up my getting older chin. LOL  

It is pretty funny I say.  He reminded me of that actor....the one in the movie with Julia Roberts.  Pretty Woman.  Oh yeh, Richard Gere but better than him for sure.  I know, can you believe it? I blew it or did I?

I got a fifteen minute charge out of it and a nice organic meal as well as I snitched a lemon poppy seed muffin that I grazed on all afternoon for my chin.  I don't care....he was HOT!  He was also PRETTY! He was also Class and I like class.... so why didn't I do the eye contact then?  Because I had the wrong pants on and the wrong hairdoooo.   Just kidding. Or am I?  Nothing is perfect. I'm sticking to "The Ford Man,"  he's safe and he cant see my chin.  And he isn't reality.  OH YES HE IS  and his name is Mike Rowe! And the chin thing is really a joke.  I like to joke.

My Vet is Now a Banker Like my Doctor......by Diane Ogden

Anyone remember when your doctor cared?  When he couldn't be fired for spending more than 15 minutes with you. Before he became an accountant and banker using your health as deposits slips.
Anyone remember when your Vet cared about your animal and let you make payments on its care?
And then America got greedy.
And now Dentists, Doctors, Veterinarians, and so on have gone beyond what is acceptable. 
I took my 6 lb. dog to a vet to have her teeth cleaned.  He spent an hour with me doing a major sales pitch, brought in three sheets of paper full of numbers adding up to $1,300 - $1,600.   Are you stupid I wanted to say.  I did say, "Whoa, I guess we are leaving now."  And that is after $288 worth of blood work.  I found out all she would have needed is a liver and kidney test.  When I told him we were leaving he scrambled and brought back new downgraded lists.  I capped it at $1,000.  He called me and told me he had to remove one tooth also.  But he kept it at a tad over $1,000.  
My neighbor called me and did some checking of her own after my total failure at the Vet search saga.

She found that the average for cleaning is $600 which isn't what it cost for me to get mine cleaned!!!  But then they don't have to put me to sleep for it. 
Okay so I got taken to the cleaners and I wont forget it.  I am going to tell that Vet with the Salesman, Banker license what I found out and how I am going to tell everyone I know not to go to him.  Darn.....that is a lot of money for a single, one income, human American. Me.  Forgot to tell you, the cat needs the same thing.  We wont be going to a Banker for our teeth cleaning this time.

Postal at the Post Office by Diane Ogden

Yesterday I wrote this blog post and accidentally deleted it.  Swweeeett! Not.   So here I go again.
I went to the Post Office in our large city where as I usually go to a small town P.O. two miles from my home. Should-a Would-a Could-a, too late.   I take my  items into the big one looking for the priority mail envelopes and labels.  I found them.  Only to find there was no pen in sight, at which time I see, no I hear this young man in his late 20's trying to self mail a box.  I guess there is some new self mailing corner at the post office.  Suddenly I hear this horrible loud holler.  Yes a man's holler.  If that were a woman it would have been called a scream.  I looked over at him as did others but no one did or said anything.  I wanted to say, "Whoa dude, chill! You need some help?"  BUT Wisconsin now has a legal concealed weapon law!  Given this guy had the "nards" to holler like that in public told me he was a postal threat in the post office.  And I was in said Post Office.  Not for long honeys....hey I needed a pen anyway so dont call me scaredy cat.   Out the door I fled priority envelopes in hand.  Sometimes I wish I could conceal a weapon just in case of a case like this one.  I am sitting in my car writing out several mail labels when suddenly I hear the same horrible man holler that I heard inside the post office only this time outside and louder.  And there he was...he came out, walked to his car,  hollered very loud and then walked back in and I continued labeling.  And I continued thinking whether I wished to go back inside that P.O. (Pissed Off ) area with that kook.  What do you think happened next?  Out he came again to his car and then back in he went again.  I said to self,  "Okay that would be it, I am going to the safe small town P.O. where they don't holler like animals and if someone did I would hope 911 would be called as it was not in this case.   Hope he doesnt have children because he had one serious syndrome of some sort. What's the good news for today:  There are Meds from China for that fellow. Maybe the blue asphalt they use as filler would do him away or do him some good. 
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