200lb. Woman Upstairs Lovin Aerobics.... by Diane Ogden

The 200 pound woman upstairs is doing step up areobics in front of her TV on my time over my head!  The pictures on my walls are shaking like a minor earthquake has struck.  The dishes in my cupboards are tinging tinging tinging tinging.  For a person such as myself, maybe a little OCD-ish, which means I cannot do repetitive anything unless its my own head doing it. Get it? It's like chinese torture of a faucet dripping onto a cement floor inside a dark prison cell, omg enough.  Sooo, me being a very non confrontational person, I live with these pounding sounds for another week, then I become confrontational. Well a bit anyway. My dog and my cat got a drift of my total confrontational verbage before I decided to take the lavalator, my word for the elevator to 2nd floor, apt. 205 and knock gently.  Sometimes we have to show others how to be gentle.  You might want to remember I said that as this paragraph mo-seys onward and downward.  The woman stopped her stomping and answered the door graciously.  I told her I truly wished for her to be able to exersize but that my walls were disturbingly shaking. And as I type she is at it again!!  Fluck! My chandelier is doing a jig.  So back to her door.  She apologized and it was quiet for a few days and then stomp stomp stomp drip drip drip. I thought we had a little more time before the chinese really took over. This isnt fair! I suddenly do not care if the woman is fat forever....

Then I remembered a sign I saw for classes for concealed weapons.  You see folks, not only is China taking over, Wisconsin has passed a new law allowing concealed weapons.  Oh yah, can't you just see this 8 x 10 glossy a comin soon.  Can you believe I even considered it.  Oh yeh I did and in my imagination only I am walking to the lavalator in my high heal sandals, concealed weapon tucked in my pants front, struttin with a new found gun confidence up to fat ladies door.  I knock, she opens, I smile and pull it from my pants (good thing I am female or this would be a bad story ending) the weapon that is, and point it at her foot!  She screams and jumps.  I say, "Hold still crammit!"  Then I told her to hand over the fluckin aerobic CD and the stepper NOW!  She ran and dragged it to me.  I of course had a bandana around my face and a bag over my head with two holes cut in it to see!  Oh, I also had my dollie next to me to carry the stepper away to the garbage room downstairs.  I told her I wouldnt tie her fat ass up if she would count to 5000 before making any moves.  That is if she could count that high.  Me, I took that aerobic stairway to hell to the trash and went home, removed the head bag and relaxed.  I also did away with the dollie so there was no trail for the authorities.  Heck, I had a reason and isnt that why we will now be able to have a concealed weapon.  Worked for me.  And now she can eat whatever she wants. She probably thanked me for scaring the bee gee bees outta her.  I know I feel much better now.   

Just in Case Someone Dies or Gets Married....by Diane Ogden

 Sooo.... I stopped in at Marshalls Dept. Store today to get some very expensive doggie treats cheap!  Instead I came home with these to die for (no not Jimmy Chew Chu) shoes.  I just had to have them.  They do not match the little black dress in my closet but they match the larger green one.  Hey, all I had to wear to a wedding or funeral were Merrell's.  You know those comfortable half shoe half something else from abroad.  Those Chinese are getting it all. I keep tellin folks they better start learnin' Chinese.  I mean it too. If you want to work for even $2 an hour after 2012 ya better learn it!  OK back to my shoe story.  As you can see in these pictures I had to do some serious acrobatics to get these self shoe foot portraits.  I had to lay on my sofa with my feet extended into the air while holding my summer robe tightly between my legs so it would stay in place and hide the knee highs stockings I put on to hide my mayonnaise legs!

 Then you will notice I tried to get cutsie and turn one shoe in like a teenager.  Well
listen, my dog had fun watching me carry on like she has never seen before as well as try to jump up on my tummy as I am mid acrobatically putting on this self showing. 

But come on, aren't these shoes the "bomb," as the kids say. 
I have not told you the problem with them so allow me.  I could walk fine in them until I put the nylons on.  At that point it was like walking on a bed of fish outta watta!  The new shoes went from sexy to slippery soupie somba.  I mean picture this 8 x 10 black and white glossy of mwah falling in the aisle at a funeral...or worse, a wedding.  At least at a funeral they are already all sad and down and wouldn't even notice old me slippin n slidin without a bikini. God forbid I might have to return these little angels. Maybe I should bronze em for a good memory. Or I could use a walker! OK I am LMAOing.  Laughing my ars off!  A walker...might as well rent a scooter and wear the athletic shoes. It's coming soon enough anyway for Pete sakes.  Who the H is Pete anyway?? I am keeping my princess shoes, putting sand paper inside and duct taping the bottoms.  That's what they do in Oklahoma and a few other places so I can too.  Anything to feel good about myself.  Nylons and duct tape.  Now all I need is for someone to die!  Or get married or maybe a baptism. OMG a date???  Holy duct tape, a date!  Sure why not use the shoes to impress.  If I fall down its just a plus.  "Help me, Help me!" LOL I didn't mean that. 

T

Esther Your Killin' Me! by Diane Ogden

 This is an angry at The Colonel Esther with her readers on and without all the hoopla rainbow clothes and ass-essories!
Last night we were having a phone conversation about The Colonel hitting the vodka shots while she was gone for an hour or so.  When she arrived home he tried to walk but stumbled down the hall to his "den," or "cave" or whatever you call his sleeping / living quarters, when she said to me, "Oh dear God what was that crash?"  I told her she better go check.  She responded with, 'Nope are you kidding, this could end all my problems."  I sort of laughed while telling her I wasn't sure I would be able to help her drag the old boy down the steps and into her trunk and over to her daughter Nester's married boyfriend's house, across their yard, through the gate and into the pool.  B I N G O! Poolside fun.  We laughed until we cried then Esther decided a reality check was in order, walked down the hall carrying my by phone, looked into his "cave" where he lay sprawled on his animal leather recliner snoring.  "Damn." She said.  "He made it through again!"  Of course in all jest I am sure.

Esther said her daughter Ramos was coming to spend the night and tomorrow they were going to go get a pedicure.  That is a cure of the dry foot.  I mentioned to her that might  not be a good idea considering she has a wound on her foot from an allergic mosquito bite.  And what a wound. Looks near like road kill. She said, "No they wont let me put that "foot" in the foot bath.  I thought to myself she would be lucky if they let her in the darn place at all.  Until a big band aide came into mind. No, Esther told me she was definitely going for the pedicure.  She was just going to get one foot done.  I thought I would split my gut laughing at such nonsense.  A one foot pedicure. Ramos thought about inviting sister Hester but she would have thought the toenail polish straight from OPI was "Radio"active. (In other words bugged like her car, house, computer, phone, wall jacks, etc.)
This one foot pedi was a Lucille Ball or surely an Edith Bunker decision. Esther your killin me with these stories. The good news is: The Colonel lives on which means I will have more material for  you all!  

Esther's "Hopeless Chest" by Diane Ogden

Dear One's, Today I visited Esther.  It is never a dull or uninteresting time when I visit Esther.  The Colonel saw me coming and made his exit out the back way!  I do not know why except that Esther and I laugh far too much to suit The Colonel. In fact laughter makes The Colonel uncomfortable.  He is a fairly grumpy human man when most of the time Esther is floating around in her rainbow dress and scarves and umbrella finding humor in most all things except him.
We were discussing a Hope Chest I happened to see in her spare room.  I told her I remembered having a hope chest some years back.
In fact three marriages back to be exact.  Esther only has two marriages to discuss.  She said, "What Hope Chest, I don't have a Hope Chest, in fact the only chest I have is the one that's given way to time and does me no earthly good except its too big for its own bra!"  I laughed before telling her I meant the Wooden Hope Chest in her spare room.  Then Esther laughed and laughed some more. I asked what was so darn funny.  She said, "That's no Hope Chest, its my HOPELESS CHEST.  Because there's no hope left for The Colonel and I and there never was any hope for the first one.  I thought she was saving things for her Granddaughter in it, but Esther said no way would she pass on any more hopelessness to anyone of her offspring or theirs in any chest named hope when it wasn't true.  Then we moved on to her dog Harry who had jumped up on the sofa and was sitting on her face.  I said, "OMG Esther, is it clean?"  She mumbled she thought so, so far anyway as I snapped a photo.  Never a dull moment at The Colonel and Esther's house of hopeless chests.

Cyst on Eyelid Removal by Diane Ogden

Catchy title huh?  NOT!  For the past ten or twenty years I have had this little wort like looking thing on my eyelid.  Then it suddenly grew last year so I stopped into the eye clinic last week at the urging of my optometrist.  I walked in, said my name is Diane and I am scared.  The young boy-man behind the desk said, "OK, Diane (scared) what?" At which time I gave him my last name.  He asked me why I was there. I brought my head closer toward his as I pointed to the wort like cystie thing and said, "I'm scared."  He tried to assure me I would be fine. I told him about my recent cataract surgery and that I had begged my optometrist to remove it then.  She said, "No, go downstairs to Dr. so and so!"  So I am here and scared.  He again tried to reassure me.  I then said, "Hey, I am having a colonoscopy in September, ya think the doc might wander over there and snip it while I'm out!"  OK so that got a laugh but a no go.  It was then I realized I would have to go through the process I went through TODAY.  They laid me down on a chair similar to a dental office lounger, put a needle into my eyelid that felt like a bad bee sting.  Then I felt her cut it off! Then she burned it and I felt that too much so another bee sting shot in the eyelid. OMG I am having a blast.  Then done. The doctor said no one had ever done what I did during the procedure. I said, "What?"  They told me and then I remembered I said, "uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, and a hundred more uh huh's until she was done.  I told her that was my version of Yoga, hummmmmm.  It took my mind away from visualizing what she was doing.  I could see the needle in my brainmind, I could see the scalpel in my brainmind, I could see the woodburning do da day that in my brainmind looked like what my brother used to burn pictures into wood with!!  Oh Lordie. The worst of it all was the smell of burning skin! First of all it was like a witches wort on my nose, then smoke and burning skin! I think I am now free of at least one life curse! Oh, they told me it would throb badly, then bleed for sure. To keep ice on it all night.  I didn't have ANY of that! None!  See the curse be gone Fred..... whose Fred? 

LuLu's Left the Building.....by Diane Ogden

LuLu being the third in a line of three animals that reside with me in an apartment.  LuLu being a cat that belongs to my daughter and that I inherited when she/they moved in and then only she left back out.  When she brought LuLu home as a kitten way back when she also lived here....that being three years ago.  Since then LuLu who I wanted to name Sophie because my cat is named Lucy!  In short which this is seeming long, basically I had two cats for several months named LuLu and Lucy when the daughter moved out this last time.  LuLu tortured my sofa, my Nana's antique red velvet 30 button tufted loveseat, two covered chairs, and two very expensive rugs, with her extremely sharp nails.  LuLu would wake me up at 6:30 a.m. every morning clawing my large Flexsteel Wing Back chair in my bedroom.  I would sit up and holler, yes holler, L U L U STOP IT!!! And she would run like the big wind.

Yet the damage was already done 100 times.  Then she went away. Today.  I received a phone call from one of the little girls where she used to live and is now living again who told me she has missed her so much.  Katie told me LuLu was very happy. She was licking my daughters leg which I suspect means "thank you for bringing me to my real home in cat language."  Now if we did that to whoever we wished to say a thank you to ....eewww.  But we don't and the LuLu's of the world do, and it is precious.  I am so happy LuLu is back home with her family.  But now I need all new furniture.

 She will miss lounging out on my porch with Lucy every day.  I put up a child's net all around the rod iron and neither one of them have figured out they can jump over it and out into the yard. Interesting.  My daughter came the other day and asked LuLu if she wanted to come home.  Ordinarily LuLu is a very sassy cat but this time she licked my daughters hand and made a precious soft sound.  We both knew LuLu was trying to communicate her answer.  So today LuLu left the building as I stated in the above paragraph, and that my friends is good news for my furniture.  She is home with two young girls she adores and sleeps with and her Mama Lindsay and new baby Karli and Daddy Derek!  Yeah for me...Peace is slowly returning to my humble abode.  Fun Fun Fun 'til your Daddy takes your T-bird awa-a-a-a-yy!  I don't have a T-bird so I am fine as frogs hair until the next call from jail for bail.  Just kidding of course. I hope.

Jail Bail by Diane Ogden

Considering I was up most of last night it is a miracle I am able to keep my pretty browns open long enough 

to write this little tale of horror.   

It all started twenty two years ago when my Grand Daughter was
born.  She was the cutest little thing, even funny, then she grew up and is still funny and can sing like a bird or Christina Aguilara. She is also very pretty. Only problem is she has OCD. We all do to some degree. You know Optimal Cursed Dumbness when it comes to being quiet when things don't go just right.  OK its Obsessive Compulsive Disorder where she cant let go of a subject.  When she gets angry its harder for her to let up and relax.  Sometimes that causes fighting.  Oh yeh!  Its a form of low lifer behavior and she knows it.  This time it came back and bit her in her derier big time.  We are talking
 A R R E S T E D! Hello Geronimo! She was taken away in handcuffs that left marks that lasted into the next day. She wasn't allowed to even get a pair of shoes.  Had no undies on, no bra, and believe me this girl needs one at all times.  It was "Let's hang out at the jail."  She discovered officers who are not the nice helpful kind of policeman on the corner directing traffic and helping little old ladies across the street.  She wore an Orange, yes I said Orange jumpsuit that said, Columbia County Jail on the back, and it didn't smell so well.  She was in a holding area where one fellow was coochie coo-ing her which scared her to tears. He was behind bars so she was safe.
I do wish she would take up cooking, cleaning, and parks and recreation

vs obsessive thoughts on how others do not do things perfectly or even acceptable.  Poor thing truly has the medical OCD.
I think she will be fine.  
But the jail bail paying machine isn't fine.  If you do not have correct change that means you have to leave the premises and go find a convenience (now I know why they are called that) store to get you more money and do not forget the service charge Almighty!  Back I go and when I arrive I am trying to help an older gentleman who was just going to stick forty dollars in it without typing who it is for.  So there I am helping again, duh, but the letter A kept sticking until the old fellow said a few choice words and left.  Poor kid waiting for is canteen $.  All that was wrong is the screen was dirty.  But then those donut eating fellows with the shiny gold badges find it hard to waddle out into the entry to wipe a 14 inch screen off.  In fact they found it difficult to do much I noticed.
They messed up and forgot to key in my information, which meant my bail money wont come back to me, but rather go to the Grand D! What else do they have to do on a Saturday morn.  I watched. Nothing, I say. Nothing much. 
They finally let the poor girl out of the Jail House to which point she began shaking and crying. I do not blame her.  Bad place, Oh yes! Me, I just need sleep now. Good peaceful sleep with no calls from any jail or hospital or highway.  Now I only have one day left before a new week of hard labor.  Maybe the Grand D should get the hard labor huh?  Anybody looking fer Grand D?  Yup, her Nana D is.

It's Dead in the Drink! by Diane Ogden

Can you see that bug in my glass of whatever?  Can you see it?  It is a Nat!  A nasty Nat! It has wings, and eyes and guts and it is dead in my drink!  When things pass away don't they loose their bowels and  poop? OMG!  On my ice cubes in my drink after a long week of  stuff!  Stuff being my college word by the way.  The blessed stupid bug was drawn to MY drink and why?  Is that just life and evolution?  Long week folks.....then working on the porch so I can win the 2011 contest we have every year here at the good old apartment place complex I live at instead of a houseey-house.  When checking facebook most of my "friends" have houseey-houses of which they take pictures of and show off (it's OK, I would too) their birds and flowers and ponds and so on's.... Me, I got a porch. A 13 x 6 foot outside res-i-dencey.  You darn right it gets dense trying to find space for a lifetime of gardening sense and interior design.  I double check with my daughter to make sure I am not Granny-fying the "Porch" before judging day! God forbid should I put too much out there trying to win a lousy $50.00.  You know overkill could kill the whole darn project.  Too many bird cages and doo da days would kill it! Just kidding I know better, I think. 

As for this dead bug with wings and guts and innards I don't wish to think on ... I removed him or her from my drink and, well, I disposed of him / her.  Not my fault the stupido jumped into the sweet water.  I only hope it is a healthy little one and  doesn't carry diseases because after I disposed of it I drank the drink!  Kool-aide, Jonesboro! (google it)  OMG I cant help it, I live by association, you all know that.  Well I do but not the point of really believing that Nat is poisonous.  Nope, just a little poop on the ice cube maybe, eeeww, or the Nat had too much "Stuff" to deal with all week and overdosed on my drink!   Just kidding I wiped the ice cube off with a paper towel after I sprayed it with antibacterial gel.  If you believe that I have more to say tomorrow.   I'll try Yoga next week.

It's All Started at 2:45 p.m. by Diane Ogden

You all know all about the yearly Pepsi, I mean Papsy exam!  My regular doctor is as tall as the tops of my knees in those stirrups.  And I don't mean the kind you use when riding a horse.  My regular doctor is so short he doesn't need a stool to complete the exam.  He is also as wide as he is tall among other irregularities and I don't mean mine.  So I chose to go back to the office of the doctors who delivered a couple of my brood of children.  They OBGYNer's.  Sounds like a the cheering section for some coal miners.  A N Y W A Y as Ellen DG says....Ms. P.A. was very thorough, meaning we talked a long time. She asked if I had any STD's, you know Sexually transmitted diseases.  I said, "Only if you can get it from the cat or dog licking your leg."  She said, "Oh no I mean in the past?"  I said, "Who cares about the past, they'd be gone by now anyway lady!"   I was starting to wonder if the short fat guy wouldn't have been easier. Then I find out she is a P.A. not a doctor who has been out of the country for a year in Canada, decided to come back and is having to re learn the entire computer system. Don't you just wonder what happened in Canada?  She left the room with a little cotton swab, came back and told me I had a little infection.  Sweet. I asked what the plan was and she told me I could go either way.  I said, "Huh?"   She meant I could get medication and swallow it or use it on the other end.  I chose. You don't need to know.  She made me so nervous because she was so nervous. Then came the slammer. She said it was time for the "SLAMMOGRAM."  We walked out to the desk to set up the appointment which I stated had to be late in the day.  Then quietly I mumbled, "Sure I get there at the end of the day when the technician is sick of being there and feels mean!"  One lady in the back started laughing really hard but no one else did.  Hey, its the truth. If that technician is pee weed off at her hubbs or boyfriend your mammories are going to get an extra smush just for him!

  Then I leave. Get to Hell's Gates (WalMart where they have the $4 pharmacy plan) They tell me my insurance doesn't cover the fix all for my doo da day! $40 please but go shop for 30 minutes then it be ready. I came back with only one pair of Rider jeans one size larger than last years. Wonderful!  The pic up pharmacist read me the rules. Here's what he said, "SIDE EFFECTS: Dizziness, headache, nausea, diarrhea, unusual taste in the mouth, stomach cramps, or vaginal itching/burning/discharge may occur, fainting, painful urination, tingling or numbness of the hands and feet, seizures, signs of another infection, fever, persistent sore throat), mental/mood changes, (I need more of that yah!) depression), rash, itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat), severe dizziness, trouble breathing. This is not a complete list of possible side effects.  Soo I looked at Mr. Pic Up Pharmacist and said, "No Thank You!" I'll find another way hey! 

I walked out of Hell's Gates Wal Mart with my Rider Jeans and a new mascara knowing I will live, without the above!  Probably had powdered asphalt from China in it anyway.  
P.S.
Miss P.A. wants to give me estrogen creme for the other end!  I told her if there was any way it would reach my FACE, then YOU BETCHA give me that prescrip NOW!  Otherwise, nah...

Ready For Freddie! by Diane Ogden

This here person is my usually gorgeous neighbor who is showing me how to defend myself should an intruder ever enter my apartment.  She finds it hilarious that I use that particular knife as my extra "DEAD" bolt by placing said knife between the cheap door molding and the door itself.  Yup, full knowing that if anyone chose to come in and visit negatively they could push that molding and the six little nails holding it, right off the wall and my trusty, dull by the way, knife would fall to the floor bloodless!  I have other pictures of her laughing as she shows me how to save myself with a dull knife.  Looks good though doesn't it?  Wanna see one of her funny pics? OK OK! Naw forget it!

Prayer in a Loop.....by Diane Ogden

Have you ever prayed in a loop?  That's praying in a continual circle never ending.

Sometimes from the beginning to the end back to the beginning.  Sometimes not "thinking" there was an answer. 
Then suddenly days, weeks, months, years later....there's the answer.
Wish it were easier, but then nothing is!

The Dream Wall....by Diane Ogden

Now this is what I call real wallpaper!  A personal collage of the greatest meaning.  This is truly what is called "a personal touch!"  Ya think?  Yet I don't see it on the same level as stuffed animals in the back window of Grandmother's Buick or one of those yards full of ceramic animals, bird baths, flamingo's, baby rabbits, hanging this and that's....well maybe its close to that outside thingy ones.  Maybe this would be similar to one of those on the "innie (inside) vs the outie," (outside yard that is!) What is sick about this is I would LOVE to do it on a wall of my house. Yup I would.  Oh God what has happened to me?  Nothing, I love this.  Done tastefully it could work!  Like a dream board only this would be a dream wall!  I have a wall at present in my dining area with framed pictures from top to bottom called "My dead people!"  Obviously the ancestors.  The Dream wall would be everything I want in this world! No Deadness!   WOW, I love it.   Going to do it by Godly which really means I'll have it. You know the believe it you can have it.    So when I die the people that find me or clean my house / apt. will not find dirty undies because Mom told me to ALWAYS have clean ones everywhere just in case so I get hit by a bus or flat die at home, but rather they will find all my hopes and on my dream wall.  Just like the memory walls in various places in the country.  Mine will be my living wall and then become someone else's memory of my dreams, wants, and loves of life.  I already have a bulletin dream board, I will merely expand it.  p.s. I actually framed this picture and put it on the wall with my dead people. ha.  The happy news for today is to be yourself even if you want to put little stuffed skunks in the back window of your car! (oh geezers, try not to, that's badness) 

The Hair Curse Continues.... by Diane Ogden

I have donated several blogs to the bad haircuts I have rec'd the past three years.  I called them reverse mullets.  So now I cut my own hair.  It's getting better little by Google little.  Yes I Google how to cut my hair.  Not- sa- much on the color which has turned into something that resembles medium rust.  Not a good color for me so I made an appointment with the last person that did it well.  I forgot to take the pictures. Don't ever do that OK?  When she finished after two hours, I looked similar to when I arrived.  A little less rusty of course.  This time I told her.  Not a Happy hairdo color I am looking in the mirror at.  I cant see the diff from when I walked in to now $123.00 plus tip later. 
S E R I O U S L Y! I also missed "supper," a shower and change of clothes, the addition of rings and earrings to show I deserve the class I have...
But instead I have work clothes on I wore all day! Maybe that is the curse! That's the curse,  I should've dressed the cause. I looked around at all the hoop la doo da day ladies in the waiting room who got a pedicure just for the impress-ment (of course I know that isn't a word!) of their hair appointment.  They looked like the people who clean their houses before the cleaning people come.  I messed up huh? I should have cleaned up! Thought so, especially after I looked in the mirror.  Then there was the YOUNG girl sitting in the chair next to me who GOT WHAT I WANTED.  No not a man, a decent hair coloring. I even thought maybe I should SETTLE for what I got.  Nope, Nadda, been doing that all me life!  I wont be ugly (speak with no respect) which infers unkindness.  I will express my disappointment in the results.  The hairdresser told me she was a genius and would/could correct anything I didn't care for.  Hope so. Cause I don't look too much different.  Have you noticed possibly I expect too much from the hair do-er person?  I look in the mirror and yup I darn sure expect someone to fix what life has done to this head.  The brain must  be spillin over onto the face and hair and I am expecting someone to FIX IT!  I mean it.  I cant afford the plastic surgeon so next best would be the hairdresser.  I'll just keep trying as I have forever.  Yes forever.... and that's the good news for today. 

Sex at a Target Checkout! by Diane Ogden

That is not me in the front of the photo.  No really it isn't! Although I do have a hair appointment tomorrow thankfully.  Really it isn't. 
Today, while I worked, I was listening to an audio book called "Chasing Perfect" by Susan Mallery. I became quite interested in it so I left my ear-buds in while I "made" some errands happen. I was at Target standing by the canvas pictures pondering whether to purchase the New York Skyline for my office and knowing if I did that was probably the closest I will ever get to that magnificent city and its lites. Secretly knowing this fact I bought it at half price, walked it to the checkout, was preparing to pay for it as I laid it on the long black rubber escalator to the office it would reside and capitvate my mind daily. Nawh not really, it just matched the color of the paint I just did my office in.

When, in my ear a voice narrating the complete and I mean complete and magnificent act of making love between the two main book characters, what's his name and what's her name....how they are in the elevator and he lifts her off the floor and leans her on the wall like vertical levitation, then with all the perfect verbs and nouns and adjectives he and she so amazing things in my presence and the presence of the (bless his heart and everything else) geeko checkout boy!  Suddenly I feel like I have been caught in the act myself. The money is falling on the floor like I forgot to pay him enough for what "they" were doing in my head!  He was such a sweet kid, thanking me for it and telling me to "come again," which flustered me even more. Listen to me! It was not dirty nor is the book trashy.   Oh no, this was a nice couple finding one another in life, well the elevator wasn't so classy I will say but then again I have never "done it" in an elevator.  Once under a tree outside.... never an elevator. A N Y W A Y as Ellen DeG says.....they did it, I got to enjoy it, the boy never knew what happened (he wouldn't have anyway) and I got the New York skyline where I can dream of Steven Tyler, my twin sister, from New York, from a past life.  Now that's good news!

I'm Am A Wise Woman! by Diane Ogden

(I can be humorous, love to write, laugh a ton, and tell stories.  The other side of me is quite spiritual of which I forget sometimes as we all do.  Considering we cannot "see" the spirit we lose it on occasion and only see the world and all it's yuck-muck.  Yesterday something awful happened to me which consumed my only day off.  Later in the day I was looking for something and I found this writing. Given to me by the spirit many years ago. If it bores you move on, if not read on..... because my blog is really a diary for my children and Grands and someday Great Grands to get to know me. Or for whatever reason, it is.) Use me up the way I am!  From the spirit:

You are a wise woman. Sometimes of the spirit and yet much of your own blood runs wise. All from your Spirit Father, me. My daughter, use this wisdom. This blood wisdom. It is rich. Do not allow, entertain, enter into with the likes of any less than this.  I mean-not for you to feel you are a better person, but to maintain and keep your blood rich.  Let no one canker it ever again.  The strength you carry and possess within is worth much more than earthly possessions.  It is the Gems of life and spirit. My woman, I walk with you! I advise you and help you heal from the daily germs of life.  If you could only see from where I am this would be so clear to you! I want to grab you and stroke you up up up to the place where you belong. Not where you've let others put you.  You are higher than the chiefs of my time, but the same in your time.  You are woman, this is the only difference which is no difference. Be calm as I am.  Think naught on "stuff" for it will disappear and be gone.  With your spirit is life.  Not paper $. Be calm as I am.  You stand on the mountaintop, your hair blows in the wind. You are at the top of the mountain!  When the storm comes, do not hide - command it.  When the people come, instruct them.  Lead....do not cower.

A Bat on the Porch!??! Or Was It Marvin the Moth?? by Diane Ogden



Karsyn, Amy, Kennede, Betsy, Camryn



I have this sweetest, funniest, prettiest, and smartest young woman living a couple doors down on my floor in my complex.  We have found some sort of common ground we live and laugh about for the past several months.  She being in her early thirties and I early old!  Actually twice her size and age and equally as sensible but not as smart and savvy as Ms. Amy!  We chat, phone, text, email, and visit every day. Yesterday she called me very flustered needing help.  I was visiting my Dad at he rehab nursing / dying mill where I had sprung him on a two hour leave.  I could not help her, and I owed her for all the times she came to my rescue. You know, bringing me a beer when life got overcooked, picking up a diet coke when I ran out, hosting a baby shower for my daughter, lifting furniture and moving chairs when I cant, and so on!  So she called her Dad. Then she called her besty.  Then she took a shovel and whacked the little tiny creature hanging upside down on her porch not hurting anyone LOL not so funny huh?  Dad and I and the Grands and Great Grands were eating at SUBWAY.  Miss Amy said it wasn't a bat, it was big as her fist, grey brown and it flapped hard when she "hit it!"  But she was not going out on that porch again until the creature was taken care of.  Time passed, and we delivered Dad back to the dying mill and then drove back home....  The three girls and I went to view the relative of the bat on Amy's porch as well as visiting her little doggie Betsy.  Amy is out in the grass with her dog and I, when my Granddaughter calmly walked to the porch, leaned down and picked up the "Butterfly Moth," and said,  "Nana, it's a butterfly," and then walked it over to a bush and put it down with hopes it would heal up and fly away to a nicer porch lady!  Ms Amy was carrying on saying, "But, but, but, it was big and awful and upside down and when I whacked it flapped hard wings and wouldn't leave!"  I said, "I think it was terrified!"  She said, "No!"  It really was awful.. 

I understand.  It was to her what a mouse is to me!  Awful, call 911 or anyone!  HELP... 
But it was just a Butterfly Moth LOL.  Her Dad almost drove an hour and a half here to save her....wouldn't that have been a hoot n holler! Ms Amy may never live down the moth that overtook her porch for a day and a half.  I may not either cause I giggle every time I think of it. Thanks my friend, I needed that today.

A Father! by Diane Ogden

Tonight I heard somewhere, I think while watching a movie called "Leap Year" that a Father is someone I/a child/anyone, should be able to rely on. That statement really caught my attention.  You see I had five children and not a one of them had a Father they could rely on.  Not one of them.  There were three different Father's by the way.  You can omg me, or not.  Two marriages and one death if that helps with the "wondering" judgmental thoughts that is.  Not one of them I said.  My Father has been in my life since the day I was born.  Not always in a good way, but for the most part he has been there.  Today I went to the rehab facility and "sprung" him for a two hour pass.  (He goes home next week after healing from open heart surgery at age 86)  He has been there somewhat for my children and for all the Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren.  The old fellow asked me to write up his obit. Geezers!  But I will because he wants to make sure I don't leave anything out.  I may have to Google Great Obits or go to the How to's.  Never done one.  I have done many a thing in my fancy average life, but not ever my Father's obituary.  So today we took him to SUBWAY.  I hate subway by the way.  It has no taste, like the meat has been in the water for three days.  I think they wash it.  Really.  But after rehab food Dad wanted SUBWAY so that is what we did.  The Great Grands (twins) went along as well as the older Great Grand.  Then we went to a Garden Center and left Father in the car while I chose a couple plants for the new 2011 deck contest at my complex.  I always win.  In the meantime my friend down the hall called to check in and I told her where we were and that PaPa (Father) was in the car.  She said, "No, No, we don't leave PaPa's in the hot car nor do we leave dogs in the hot car!"  I laughed and responded with the fact we left the windows and doors open and he wouldn't take off his sweatshirt. He was lovin the heat cause his rehab room was too damn cold he said!  Then off to Mickey D's for ice cream cones. He loved it.  Then back to his "cell."  The rehab cell that is.  All in all it was a good day for my Dad/Father.  But not one of my five children will even experience it because they don't have a Father they should be able to rely on.  The good news is?  They have me!  I have always tried to make up for not only my own mistakes in life with them, but the father's also.  I need a rest off.  That's like a bake off you know?  A contest and when there is only one contestant (no dead beat dad's around)  I WIN!!  And so do they.
 P.S. A vacation wouldn't hurt at all.

Esther's and The Colonel have Child! by Diane Ogden

Hester without the mini dress, pondering who is bugging her car

Actually they have quite the child and a couple more besides.  This one takes the cake, literally!  I had to stop in to see her today and I about fell off my own legs onto a floor that I hoped would slide me right back out the door, but no such go!  I was stuck staring at two humongous breasts hanging, yes I said hanging up and out of a gorgeous (not-so-much) thin spaghetti strap MINI satin dress.  No this was not a night time gala event, rather an office where such attire I would think (which I try not to do in these sorts of circumstances because for what good?) would be unacceptable.  While I was there Nester, that's her name, called me to the closet. Yup, the closet.  I said, "The closet," and she responded, "Ssshhh."  Then motioned for me to come that direction, so I did.  I had to because I was there on business and she had the business I needed.  So into the tiny closet I go all the time thinking "dear lord, why me? Could you find her a new person to confide in, in the closet!"  You must picture this 8 x 10 glossy of me, a normal woman standing in a tiny office closet with queen for the day dress and breasts way too up close and personal....all the while she is whispering because she says the office if bugged. They, the management are trying to get rid of her and need a reason so they bugged it!  I just stare at her in utter dismay within my brain and on my face.  I did not try to hide it either.  Because I don't think Hester even noticed.  I don't think Hester thinks anyone around her has a brain.  The world is a frame around her face only, oh and the rest of her too.
I finally escaped the closet, ran back to my car where I had left two other employees with the engine running!  I wondered if it had overheated like I had inside that cubby closet with nutso Nester!  As the girls and I were leaving Nester came walking out of the office in her mini satin dress and I told the girls with me who she was and there was silence.  The kind of silence that means omg what is that ?  What is that person thinking?  That is when the wind caught Nester's little barely covering her body dress and lifted it right on up high so her underpanties were visible to all.  My front seat friend said, "Are you serious?" in a very monotone voice...  I said, "Yup!!"  If you only knew the rest of Hester's story of which I did not share for the sake of seeming to know her too well....
Hester also believes her apartment is bugged, her car, her computer, and her phone.  Esther and The Colonel try to avoid the subject with Hester, but that can be difficult. You would have to know Hester to understand that.  Don't bother really.  It's NOT good news. The Good News from me is I gotta outta there and will be back here tomorrow!  Alone thank you.