Davy Died?.......by Diane Ogden

Jeez I have been walking around singing "Hey Hey We're the Monkeys,....."  all day.  Among other Monkey songs.  Sure heck yah I remember him.  Duh he is me and you.  Well me age anyway.  I saw an insert commercial saying women still recall him and his sex appeal to this day.  Meaning they will recall him long after death.  I was thinking as I was sitting alone, well not alone, the two cats and one dog reside nearby.   I was thinking as the commercial ran for "We will buy your old gold and silver," that I wondered who would remember my sex appeal when I croaked, or any of my attributes.  Do you ever think about what anyone will think of you when you die?  Do you wonder who will even know you died and attend the quote FUN-eral! Will you linger on golden streets and be allowed to watch over previous relatives? Me too I wondered.  I really have thought of that but not continually of course. Back to the Monkey that passed away.  Darn.  He was too young to die.  But what do I know about whose time is when.  I think I will go get a physical next week.  ha.
What does ha stand for? Does ha mean ha-ppy?  Or does ha - mean what? 
Jeez the happy news for today is I didn't pass away to somewhere we don't know where is,
And NOR DID YOU!!
So Be Happy, Be Well, and Be Safe until we meet again.  (I read somewhere Dale Evans and Roy Rogers used to say that "Until we meet again ." )  Rest in Peace Davey Jones and many others.  Not me yet tho.....or you

Worms or Pine Nuts.......by Diane Ogden

This would be a small section of my kitchen counter.  My Toshiba Notepad, my one tomato, one lemon, and one half a banana. My daily positive sayings calendar, and one small bag of fresh expensive pine nuts.  Pine nuts have the highest amount of protein of any nut and protein is something I need due to a bit of hypo glycemia streamin' through me veins on occasion.  One of the Grand Twins walked into my kitchen and said, "What are these? Worms!!"  I am a kind and gentle person most of the time but at that nano second in life time I wanted to say and do things almost illegal and here is why.  You all recall I live by association.  I cant eat dates because they feel like beetles or cockroaches going in and down and around.  I cant eat rare meat because it reminds me of the trauma I experienced when my father used to show me dead and mutilated mice hanging from a trap all bloody.  He meant no harm I am sure.  He enjoyed seeing me scream and jump up and down in total panic on my twin bed.  Farmers! shhesssh.  There's more but surely you get it by now.  I posted a blog called "The Umbilical Cord" showing said cord on a raw egg sitting in a pan ready to cook.  Nope cant eat the cord cause it started out to be a chicklet....  eeeww.   Betcha get it? Those expensive pine nuts shall never enter my facial orifice because my brain will tell my brain each little one of those is a worm.  
                                 Ooohweey Goooweey was a worm,
                                     A mighty worm was he.
                                He sat upon the railroad tracks.......
                                    Ooohweey, Goooweey!!
Anyone remember that silly poem from grade school?  Not sure we even jumped rope to that one.
There shall be no Ooohweey Gooweey in my mouth until I forget this and I do forget more lately than ever so there is hope.  Whatever is wrong with my brain I do wish I knew because this  association crud gets old... I like dates or beetles whichever. They just have to be smushed up in a cookie then I'm okay.  Mother said when I was little I used to make mud pies and she caught me eating a worm one time.  Why in the name of good sense would she tell me that.  Now I can add one more thing to the blame mommie list.  Yuk :(
I realize this is not good news and I am suppposed to find good news every day here.
Some good news no one will care about is:
Got my shower
Ate some angel hair spaghetti (cant eat the real thick stuff, looks like worms)
Dog is in heat yukkie doo
Cats fighting over who gets the cat tree in the sun
Can't find the apps on my smart phone but I WiLL
Happy Happy Day I say, the sun is out and I'm on me way !
Be Happy, Be Well, Be safe......

Shopping, Then the Awards......by Diane Ogden

Sometimes working can become hum drum mundane and we have to do something to stop that, move it, change it, bring it up up up, back to a glass half full.  So in my little corner of the world that meant leaving the dog and two cats to run off to Wal Mart for a paint brush and a pair of chinese made pants.  Then onto T.J.Max for a facial rejuvenator double AA battery running exfoliatre doo da day.  As well as some duck sticks for the dog and some catnip still on the vine for the cats. Must be like buying tomatoes on the vine. And one silver necklace for
M W A H! I love it.  Oh and a new teflon pan because I have apparently eatin' much of the last one. At least the bottom of it tells that tale.
I get home, take the dog out, unpack he groceries before the Oscar Awards begin....I take a tad of the catnip off the stem and crush it between my fingers per instructions and give it cat # 1 while crushing catnip for cat # 2.  I look over and cat # 1 has saliva stringing from her mouth onto fur and floor.  This would tell me the taste is bad bad bad....over the top of the top.  I only saw her do that one other time when I applied her revolution (for flees, ticks) down too far on her neck and she licked it.  OMG I thought she would die....and here we go again.  I quickly got some treats for her to take away the horrid taste or whatever it was making her salivate so badly.  She survived.  I think because God knew I needed her to because it was Sunday evening and emergency vets cost a new car.  Maybe I should eat some of that "stuff " on the viney stalky plant.  Then again how what that look with me salivating all over the living room carpet then running around looking for something to eat to counteract it.  That is after I have rejuvenated my face with the rejuvenater double AA battery doo da day.  Good looking face lift with saliva hanging from it. NOT!  The  awards are about over so I am going to sign off til later.  Except I have to say, "What was Angelina Jolie thinking when she blatantly STUCK her leg out of her dress slit like a dummie-slut over and over and over. "  I hear her leg now has its own twitter page.  Her leg looked like a skinny mayonnaise jar. At least spray tan for the awards hey.
What's the good news of the day?   I did not try the catnip still on the stalk, and the cat survived and I feel much better about going to work this week after watching Jolie act like she needed more attention. 
You all be happy, be well, and be safe until next time....

Crunchy Dead Scorpions.....(to eat) .....by Diane Ogden

While at a clients home last week I noticed this little square yellow sucker sitting on the counter with a bug inside it.  Seriously. I figured it was a rubber bug. WRONG!  It was a real dead scorpion.   I copied the website url off the back of the "crunchy dead scorpion inside sucker label." 
http://www.hotlix.com/   Oh yeh!  It's for real.  They also do ants and many other bugs inside suckers.  And for a mere $82 a box you can get a few of these dandy deals on bugs.  WHY?  Would you give your child a crunchy bug to suck on? Each to his own path I say.  Not that I can't comment on the pathway.
Actually this didn't make me sick like when I can't eat whole dates because they crunch and look like a beetle or cockroach.  Oh stop.
And, no I do not watch Fear Factor!  Never ever, no no way.
I do know a few people I would like to gift this crunchy little critter sucker to!!!!  Bet you do too.
The happy news for today is I am upright and above ground.  Maybe tomorrow will bring something more humorous. Or even later today.  I have to stop at Wal Mart so that ought to tell you something good is coming.

I Spent a Dime........by Diane Ogden

I have not spent a dime in two years easy.  I have spent a few quarters but only because I had to for a parking meter. Today I spent a dime because all I had was a twenty dollar bill along with a one dollar bill and  the checkout lady told me I owed $21.10 cents. Bought killed me over to give that woman one of the dimes laying in the bottom of my purse. Why?  Because I used to save coins as a ssort of "Christmas fund."  Then the children grew up.  But I started doing it again recently.
This stash of I would guess is close to $500 and will go for a fancy pair of eyeglasses I have been wanting for four years.  I suspect if I don't "get on it" the glasses will be discontinued.  A bit of procrastination going on and anyway I am having trouble parting with my stash.  It's like hoarding.  I am hoarding coins of value.  I hoard baby food jars for no reason although I did donate several hundred of those to a local daycare for the children to mix up their paints.  I don't hoard anything else. Since then I only have saved about fifty baby food jars.  What is the difference between hoarding and saving?  
Webster says that  Pathological or compulsive hoarding is a specific type of behavior characterized by acquiring and failing to throw out a large number of items ... (eeww baby food jars)
Webster says to save is to put aside as a store or reserve : accumulate
Not so sure eyeglasses are an emergency as I have two pair of regular eye glasses already.  So What!  Its my hoard of savings.  How I am going to carry this money to the coin machine is another issue.  A dollie, a wagon, (I don't have a wagon.)  I could pour it on a bed sheet, tie up the top and drag it down the hall to the elevator, across the floor to the car........wait, no way to get it into the car.  Even on a dollie or a wagon, no way to get it into the car.  Now what?   Wonder if BRINKS would stop by if I called. 
The happy news involved here is that I have a poop-load or so of money.  (Lack of a better term)

Stop Trying to Kill Me.......by Diane Ogden

I have been receiving emails from a couple different health "so they say" sources ....
I also watch Dr. Oz if I get home in time.....
Sometimes I catch the show, The Doctors.....
I have a couple health books on Green Nutrition...
I take my vitamins and exercise. (okay sometimes)
But come on, get real, take a break, think again, seriously!
Tonight I received an email or should I say a talking email video, line by line trying to frighten me saying NOT to take my regular vitamins with certain foods.  Okay I was listening but only because I DUH wanted to hear what was coming next.  Scary music on the background, deep voice over fellow saying.....Are you taking zinc? Well then make sure you do not eat too much such and such or you will get ZINC-I-TUS and that could be serious!  And make sure you don't eat such and such while taking Selenium or you will get Seileniumitus...  They even had the nerve to tell me to turn my speakers up because it was going to be shocking.  I am not kidding. They told me it might KILL me.  It could be lethal if I mixed too much lettuce with a certain vitamin.   What are they thinking besides GREED.  Trying to get me to think I am dumb and buy their dummerness.  OMG I remember that movie.  I truly can hardly believe the emails I am getting.  They remind me of my bank who thinks I do not know they are seriously holding back my bills and gasoline debit payments for days plus the weekend so I think I have more $ (cash flow) then I really truly have.  Heck, days pass and in a fast moving society we forget and that is what the corp's are BANKING on!  Maybe I will go viral and expose their dirty tactics.  Or maybe I will just move on to a local credit union.  I wonder if they use this poor man's low balance tactic.  I bet those big boys have a button they push for people with less than $1,000 in their checking accounts.  It's the middle class hard working folks that don't get what the Corporate bankers are doing that pee-disses me off.  I have learned to watch my checking account like a hawk on a ring of bologna.  Esther taught me that bad line. You know Esther of Esther and the Colonel?  The happy news is I am not going to die from taking my vitamins unless they are from China and have fillers of asphalt in them.  The China vitamin filler video I might just listen to! Do read the post "The Blue Douche from China!"  Check out this site regarding banks manipulating YOU.
http://www.wisebread.com/banks-manipulate-your-transactions-may-charge-you-1750-overdraft-fee

Dumpster Diving..........By Diane Ogden

My Granddaughter was visiting one weekend.  She so happened to have brought her sweet young and ready to please the NanaD boyfriend.  Had he any idea what was in store for him he would have high-tailed it out of dodge.  I love the dodge thing, reminds me of the old westerns we all used to love.  Sort of like the Ford-Man I love!  Okay back to my point.  Before the Grand Daughter and her man-boy got here I took the garbage down to the huge stinky rotten bins in the small icky garbage room where my dog, if I take her, rolls her nose in the crap near the drain.  Obviously I do not take her with me to that room "down there" anymore.  I had my apartment, mail, car, trunk, building entrance, safe, jewel box, keys on a squibbly ring so as not to lose it.  You see I used to have a vehicle with keyless entry and I knew if I didn't watch it close I would lose my keys.  I did!  When I threw the garbage bad into the horrid dumpster the keys flew in along with it.  I did not realize this at that moment.  The Grand showed up with the man-boy.  I had realized my serious loss before they arrived and was contemplating plan b or c.  It was then that I recalled the last time I had keys.  And it was then that I looked into the youthful and willing to please eyes of Grands man-boyfriend.  He said, with all the masculinity he could muster considering his knees were still larger than his legs and he still was eating three plates of food a meal.  A man-boy aimin' to please and I took total advantage of his aimin' to please deal.  We carried my step stool down to the lower level (garbage room) where he opened it up and climbed to the top step, leaned over into the garbage and began rummaging.... did I feel guilty.  Sure. But not too bad because I didn't know him too well and it wasn't mwah!!  BINGO we got lucky as the garbage men had come the day before so the bin was fairly empty...and I got my keys back with little or no crap on me-self.  By the way, the may-boy is no longer the Grands boyfriend.  Hope I didn't have anything to do with that.  What's the good news?  He's gone. I have my keys...  ALSWELL

p.s.  I suppose I should take a new pic of my license plate as I am up to 2012 now stickers

"The Wedgie".......by Diane Ogden

 First of all let me say assuredly neither of these pictures are mwah.  Yet it sure felt like it this morning after I showered, threw my robe on and then a big stadium coat over the robe to take the dog out for a podie poo event.
Of course I looked weird but it gets the dog out before she goes inside, considering its winter and the carpet and the grass are the same color.  At least that is my excuse if she has an accident because I did not move fast enough to get her out.  That is why I go out in my robe covered with a big coat early.  Come summer I will have to come up with plan B.  Back to my point cause I am always getting off my point. 
Picture this 8 x 10 glossy.  Me outside bending over to pick up doggie doo's poo, then coming back to an upright position and immediately feeling the WEDGIE wad!  OMG I am outside in public because I am standing in the front yard of a large complex where a large number of people live and even if only one were looking out the window......no way was I going to dig out that hunk of terrycloth stuck in my butt. Nope no way.  So I waddled back inside like a stuffed duck, ripped that huge stadium coat off that goes nose to toes, and grabbed that wad outta there before it became a permanent fixture like those Wal Mart people.   How in the achhh eee double ell can men or women wear those thongs cause that is what a permanent wedgie is!! It's like rope over your private part. Why I ask? Why?  It hurts, it rubs, and it just "aint" normal.  If it were I wouldn't have worked so hard and fast to get back in the house to get it out of that private place.  Getting it out of the private place outside wouldn't be so private would it?   I do have to admit that I have a couple of pair of undies that are too big (thank God and myself) and they give the gift of a silk wedgie so I put a red dot on them and filed then in a box called "in case I ever need."  The cheeks would have to grow first and that 'aint' gonna happen.

"What was this girl thinking?"  Notsomuch cause it appears her left lobe and right lobe sank to lower levels.  Sorry whoever you are.  The picture is from http://www.poorlydressed.com/   Ya think?

The Secret Of The Universe

Twins .......continued.......by Diane Ogden

And so it continues.......
That room used to be called a "Sun Room" as it has windows facing the afternoon sun on two sides.  Just figure that window thing out, it works. Check out the before and after pics. Soooo....naturally I have a lot of plants who live out there and love it.
The plant laying on the floor was run over by the twin with the striped socks and the 70's flowered silk p.j.'s standing over it.   The part of the picture missing is the metal stand the brass potted plant was resting happily on before the massacre.  Also to the rear of it lay a pine tree on its side.  

The guilty twin kept saying she was sorry.  Of course I said it's alright honey, at which time she told me she wasn't talking to me, she was telling the dirt she was sorry.  Okie Dokie and I just ignored that.  Do notice the suede and fur Pottery Barn throw lying very close to said dirt! Frightening.
She actually cleaned it all up on her own after I handed her a large spoon and the hose end of the vacuum as well as showing her where the off button was when she finished. 

Then we all walked down to the apt. bin to get the queen size euro bed and as I watched them sit on it while it was blowing up, they noticed my little dog "humping' my cat and the twin squealing started. (sorry no photo of dog humping cat, although there is a video in bad taste)  That is when the one twin told me how Mason tried to hump her in the hall at school just like that.  I said, "What? What did you do?"   She told me she said,  eeewww! I also heard about Marc humping Jason's head at recess.  And I was shown a visual on how that looks.  Just what I needed to see.  Not! 
Is this happy news? You bet it is. No one's sick or dying and all is pretty normal wouldn't you agree?  The dog humps the cat, Grandkids tip over plants, little boys will be humping whatever they can find for infinity, and we have a ero bed they are pretending is a magic carpet and the other grand is sending me text drawings from afar. Its all good news.

The Little Dolls from Puerto Rico........by Diane Ogden

So one Grand stayed overnight Friday, was picked up at 3:00 p.m. today and two more were dropped off!  Holy twins, and one with a horrible cough someone tell me I will get some sleep tonight?  Oh,wait, son left two bottles of medicine with post it notes saying, "Do Not Give Whole Bottle!"  I think that was a joke....
The twins brought with them two little PuertoRican dolls that appeared to be hand sewn.  Cutest little buggers.  I said, "How cool are these, as I picked up the bloomers to check the details on how well they were made.  (I used to make little dolls that were similar so I felt as tho I had some quality control status on this here subject)  As I lifted the left bloomer leg I noticed a tag. Said tag read, "MADE IN INDIA!"   I tell you I started to laugh as I read it to my son who just stood there before me with the most dumbfounded look on his face I have seen in years.  He said, "I specifically asked that man if these dolls were made local and he assured me they were."  Yes son and I will sell you that bridge in Arizona or whatever that country song says. 
At that point I offered to CUT the tag off the left leg-ged PuertoRican doll from India.  I suspect he could have picked those up at a truck stop outside of town if he'd wanted to wait til he got home. 

Me, I didn't even get a T-shirt made in China from Puerto Rico.  It's okay, they put bad stuff in their cotton I hear.  And I am glad the girls are too old for show and tell or this would fall into the category of "Your Dad got snookered kids."  Shhhh they'll never know.  And I found my happy news for the day.

Red Rubber Duckies........by Diane Ogden

I love buying people things therefore holidays are my greatest pleasure so as to excuse and allow my over zealous giving spirit.  Valentines day I happened to pass some rubber duckies at the grocer store.  No kidding.  These little duckies have rotating  lites of different colors.  For real!  I was so pleased I picked up four of them.  One for me.  Cant you picture that 8 x 10 glossy of me in the bath with a lited rubber duckie (don't go there!). 
I purchased one for the littlest grand.
I purchased one for the littlest and only great grand.
I purchased one of each for my life job helpers small children......
When I went to remove the sticker on the bottom it read:  Small parts not for children under 3! 
S H U T U P   C H I N A! 
There is probably blue asphalt inside the rubber duckies to make them lite up blue.  Sshheessh chit
So day after Valentines Day I receive the sweetest gift from my helper workers.  It's the photo I have posted in a nice little frame, and a "sweet" chocolate rose which I am allergic to.  But so appreciative of the thought. 
(Do you ever get sick of, "It's the thought that counts," deal) 
I am totally impressed how those two wee ones posed with the rubber duckies for the pictures.  Is that Happy News or what?  Made my day!!
(Notice one has a white duckie and one has a red one)

The Limo and the Maintenance Man.......by Diane Ogden

Today was a happy day give or take the crap.  Ever notice how crap resembles carp.  And both are garbage creators, slash, eaters. Carp is crap and crap is carp.   Back to my point....  I look for happy things in the midst of every day life. 
I was standing in front of a clients home this morning when up the street comes, no not a knight in shining armor on a white steed duh!  A limo, a long black truck looking limo.  Some people think the new SUV type limo's are cool but to me they look like a long black truck without mud flaps.  Yet the idea of the limo itself leans the mind toward extravagant.  Mind you I am about to begin a days hard work which is the opposite of extravagant limo.  I think the driver was reading my mind because he slowed down and waved to me that wave that says, "Sorry lady!  Maybe next time!"  I waved and gave him the, "You know what you look."  Smiling the entire time I was.

Then my sweet, very young manboy banker helped me fax some legal papers which after I left, said company called me saying very young sweet manboy banker obviously cannot run a fax machine as they only received two of four sheets.  So I run to my complex office to use their fax where I run into our maintenance man.  He asks me how my microwave is doing?  I said, "Fine, so is my toilet, why?"  He reminded me of the fact it was my third microwave in eight years. I said, "But I'm still on toilet number one!"  He had installed a small part in the third microwave that quit working within one day so the Frigidaire folks had to come and replace that same small part in third cheap microwave. He couldn't understand why his part didn't work.  I told him, "I suspect your itty bitty part must be defective." At which time the office girl could not hold in her snickers and the maintenance man loudly told me I had a dirty mind.  I do not!  I just find the happy and funny anywhere I can.  From Limo drivers to bankers to maintenance man-boys with little bitty parts that don't work. 

My Dead Mouse by Diane Ogden

That little rhinestone creature WAS my precious computer/laptop mouse that died a horrible death. The dog got it and shook it and shook it.  There were little baby rhinestones flying all over the room sticking on the walls and curtains. Done/Dead! I loved that rhinestone mouse. Not like you love your family of course (well sometimes actually more depending on the day)....rather how a girl likes her diamonds.  That dead mouse made me happy every time I sat down at my technology center which includes one dead PC, one large wonderful monitor waiting for its Dead PC to come back home and turn 'her' on again. One scanner printer, another better scanner, one laptop, and one Toshiba tablet.  The worse part is the built in mouse on my laptop doesn't work so well, then the rhinestone mouse dies, so I run to Wal Mart and buy a cheapee mousie while I wait for the new rhinestone mouse to come by UPS after ordering it online?  I tried to install an old PC wireless mouse on the dead mouseless laptop but no go. I lost the little teeny tiny USB dealie that makes those items work.  Imagine that.
I also have the matching glitzie stapler that is alive and kickin ars.  I'll all work out.  In the large scheme of life it's considered a very low issue, except to me..........Of course if something had to die within these walls I guess the mouse would be the safest to go!

Happy Valentines Day Diane O......by Diane Ogden

I have been wanting a piece of cake for some time now.  So......my brain simply said NOW and this morning I stopped at a local grocer I happen to be passing when I could no longer put the brain craving off. 
You should have seen all the 80 plus year old men walking in and out with flowers and cupcakes and cookies, I suspect for some nice lady back at the ranch or home in the nearby neighborhood.  Or maybe like me there was no one at the ranch and they were merely severely having a Valentine's Day sugar love craving.  I love worthless cake roses.  I have loved worthless cake roses  ever since I was a kid.  I know I know,  and they leave a greasy fat coating in your mouth.  Fat! Yup! Do not care I love wedding cake roses, birthday cake roses, Valentine cake roses!  4th of July cake roses and so on. 

So I am not going to wait eight hours until I get home to scarf this little darlin and her two rose up.  I am sitting in my car in the grocer parking lot eating this sweet on myself cake with the spoon I brought in my lunch to eat my no sugar Motts Grannie Smith Applesauce.  How embarrassing is that to tell.
So notice I get to the first rose(I moved it) and I am so totally excited.  Sugar RUSH coming!  I decide to eat only one petal so as to savor the two little roses upon my pallet.  I tried to scoop a petal off and discovered it was hard.  I thought, whaaaooo, my rose is old and hard.  Then I started to hit the center of the rose and it was hello rock hard and obviously made of plastic.  Had I thrown it in my mouth whole like I usually do, so I can roll it around and enjoy it for as long as possible, I could have broken a tooth.  What kind of jerk bakery puts plastic roses on an itty bitty chitty cake and charges $4.99.  Robbery I say!  Corporate Valentines Day itty bitty chitty cake robbery. 

I bought myself the cute little cake because its Valentines Day and I love myself!  Anyway I knew no one else would buy me one as I "are" a single person.   I removed the plastic worthless roses and gave my "gremlin" looking doggie the pan to lick clean.  Doesn't she look like she might KILL if I try to take that pan of crumbs and frosting away?  I didn't, she put her paw inside it to hold it down and licked it spotless.  Happy Valentines Day from the Happy News Lady....

Grandma Tillie Fly's off the Wall Again.....by Diane Ogden

My Grandmother Mathilda Mae Heiny Jungbluth is special to me and I am to her. By the way she be dead. I have a photo of her and Pa, a black and white glossy that has flown off the wall in my bedroom twice in my life just when I was about to make a really bad decision.  She was doing her best to STOP me, but I was young and did not realize her intention.  I did think it very spooky the first time it fell off its nail perch with no cause and effect going on.  No one jumping or humping on the bed, no wind gales coming thru the window.  And no one vacuuming or dusting for cobwebs accidentally did it.  Nope....she did it. 
The three instances have occurred over a forty year period of time and wouldn't you know it she struck again this evening. 
I have had an extremely difficult two months with stress levels to the moon where she obviously was perched and took notice.  I realize this card I made with her photo on it isn't as heavy as a framed glossy but....it has sat there for months and never fell off the shelf it resides on across from "me" bed.  Tonight I was in the "rest room" (why its called that I don't know) and when I came out there she lay right in my pathway....  I said to myself....oh crud now what?  It has to be good grannie cause I am up to my brows in chit lately.  I sure hope she lets me know what it is I am not supposed to do.  Oh, could it be, leave my livelihood (job) and put the cat and dog in the car with kitty litter and hit the road  ( don't forget the laptop) for as far as my gas tank will go!  God wouldn't that just be a gas.  Puns, I love em.  I don't want to die or anything nutz like that. I just want something besides work and taking the dog out to pee, and more work, and taking the dog out to pee, and getting groceries and washing the car and so on.  Oh I am grateful for all the working and being able to take the dog out to pee.  Heck I am grateful I can still pee. On my own that is.  And I don't live in Iran or Iraq or Syria, those poor peoples. Yet still....Grannie is trying to tell me something along with the pigeon (dove) that flew directly at me, when I was taking the dog out to pee.  So close over my head the dog got scared and jumped on my leg to pic her up. And when I turned quickly to see where it went it was GONE.  Oh yes I said GONE!   Pigeons or doves coming before you means you need to make your home more family-ish... okay it really means to huddle with your family as there will be safety adn security in that activity.  Oh my god you have to be kidding me.... What am I missing?
hummm, sort of the opposite of driving AWAY as far as the gas tank will go huh?  Which is only 300 miles max with my car.  So that means I could end up north almost to Marinette, Wisconsin, or East into Lake Michigan, or South to Centrailia, Ill. Or West to some god forsaken place in Iowa.  No wonder Grannie is telling me to knock it off and settle in.  It is what is is, it is what I have been dealt, so deal.  (Chit, I really wanted to get away, but I suppose a planned vacation would make more sense. YA THINK?)  okay okay I wont run away this time.

A Cat Hair Pillow....... by Diane Ogden

This is NOT my keyboard.  And do not try this at home rather check with the professionals.  These people took the guts out of their keyboard before putting it through the dishwasher.  Oh yes they did!~

They decided against the Q-Tip hi-way and took the direct Interstate wash.  Me, I used the Eureka hose which still took quite some time to suck all the white cat hair out from under the keys.  It just kept coming and coming like a long string from the circus clowns suit.  I was embarrassed even though no one was looking.  And I hope no one ever finds out - doi.  Hey I love my cat and I would hope if I shed some hair no one that loved me would care.

I would have never thought to check my keyboard if I had not run smack into a clients cat hair keyboard on the job. It took me a half hour to suck all that hair out, think about that. Thirty minutes at sixty seconds a minute. Do the math, to get all that long red cat hair out of his keyboard. That is when I went directly home and began sucking out the pounds of hair locked in and under my laptop keys. I was really scared the keys were going to get sucked up too..... but they didn't.


 I wish to say I thought maybe I could make a soft pillow out of all that cat hair stuck in keyboards all around the world.  eewww.  There must  be a way to clean it like they do other animal hair...and it is soft and cushy and still eeewww. Hey don't diss me, check out the woman that does art portraits with dryer lint!  People all over the county send it to her in different colors.  I'll stick with synthetic stuffing thanks anyway.  p.s.  My keyboard is now clean. Is yours?  Laptops really shouldn't be put in the dishwasher.  I know that!

p.p.s.  My dad, you know? Jack Nickolson?  He wont eat at my house cause he thinks ONE stray hair could get into his food.  Just imagine if he ever say someones "cat hair keyboard."

Match.com by Diane Ogden

My sister-in-law told me to join match.com so I did.  She once told me to get a job selling insurance, so I did.  And I was very successful.  She tells me all the time that I am not in charge. Her Dad tells her that so she passes it onto me. Not sure why, she is the bossy one having been in charge of a car dealership she owned for some twenty years.  Back to match.com. So I fill out the questionnaire.  I answer all the questions as truthfully as I can without scaring anyone off and I submit 9 photos.  The main photo is me with  my hair in rollers.  I just had to do it.  If the prospective man could handle that, the good pics were only a click away.  And so they did, click away that is.  I have met up with one fellow, certainly not a "gentle-man" as he asked me what I would like and I said, "Ice Tea," which after two hours I never rec'd.  No manners!  I almost forgot, one of the first things he said to me was, "Do you have to wear those glasses?"  Need I say more. And he wanted me to go snow shoe-ing in the woods.  I could borrow his sisters snow shoes.  Seriously?  No thank you... If I couldn't get ice tea out of him, I am liable not to get back out of that woods with any help what-so-ever.  And fishing?  Nope, he should have friends by now, men friends that like to be quiet and watch a string hang in the water for hours.  Me, I would be working on my 25,000 woman words a day and scaring the fish away!  Next guy never stopped talking about the roller photo.  He just didn't understand that.
He said I must not like adoration.  Yes I looked it up.  After ten emails and it was still under discussion, I deleted the "pretty boy."

I haven't given up, but so far 85% of them want a slender, athletic body toned woman.  Yet they look like they are about to deliver.  Twins that is.  Men!  They just don't care about what's under the boob....its all about the boobs.  I am not fat, and I have boobs along with a heart under one of 'em that will continue to look for a nice fellow that will go fishing without me.  I 'm just not that into it.  And the more I think about it, I might not be that into this match.com either.  Sorry sister-in-law, this is like too much work.  I already had my quota I think.  But I am keeping the $40 a month match.com charge door open just in case.

Kissing My Mops! by Diane Ogden

What does the Superbowl and mops have in common? The Superbowl just ended and the whoever's won.. Obviously I am not a football woman.  Although I do appreciate the talent but not the cash paid for the talent.  A little over the top ya think?  Sca-millions for a game?  When so much pain exists world-wide. But I get it even though the balance is off.  The magnetic field of humanity must be screaming.  Showing it's head in other ways on our planet.  OK so it was the Giant's that won. 
Me, I noticed how those football players were kissing that football trophy.  It was a football made out of something??  Glass, Silver, not sure.  I suddenly realized I should get an award too.  What would it be?  A mop?  I have a green cleaning business so it should be a mop huh?  Should I kiss it?  Eeww.  But it is what feeds me and my dog and cat...so if I won an award of a mop for being the best mopper and it was made out of silver or glass, heck yes I would kiss it!  It's not like kiss my mop!  It's like "Kiss my Silver best Mop that says I did GOOD!"   I would kiss it youbetchyourbippy...   I have no idea what a bippy is, do you?
Go fetch the eggs from the coop?  Just a joke saying only hicks don't know what a bippy is......  I admit it. Okay I think its your ars....  read between the mispelling.  You win!

The Spirit of Tula......by Diane Ogden

I swear to God this is true.....
I was cleaning at one of my clients homes today where one of my favorite dogs passed away two weeks ago, one day after our last cleaning. Tula is/ was her name.  She loved my treats and would run outside to meet me every two weeks so excited for those treats.  Tula had advanced luekemia. Today I sensed her in the kitchen as I was cleaning the stove.  She was begging me for a treat. How can I explain to you that I saw and sensed her in the spirit right next to me. I said, "Tula, I know you want a treat but you wont be able to eat it......your in the spirit now."  But she continued.  I told her I didn't bring any treats in with me but I would see if her mama and papa still had some for her.  I went to the pantry as she followed me and sure enough there was a bag of small treats still sitting on the shelf.  I opened the bag and took one small round treat and handed it to my invisible friend Tula. I said, "Now don't bite me, be gentle!" Like I always said to her at which time I dropped it to the floor and walked back to the stove which is about seven feet away, to continue my cleaning process.  I did begin to pray for Tula asking the Universe to help her cross over yet I did tell her she was welcome to stay as long as she wanted and felt comfortable doing so.  Then I just got busy. About a half an hour had passed at which time I was cleaning the sink when I obliviously looked over toward that side of the kitchen where I had dropped the treat AND IT WAS GONE!!!!!  On every body's grave everywhere in the world I swear to every one's God!  I called my helper Libby downstairs to see if she had come into the kitchen and picked it up and maybe I didn't see her.  (Impossible, I would have seen her) She said no she had not and in fact she was finished vacuuming the downstairs a long time ago.  I told Libby what had happened and we both stood there staring at the floor where the treat used to be.  Now unless my clients have a rat for a pet hidden somewhere, Tula showed me she was just fine and by eating that treat she thanked me for all the past years of blessing her with good treats. 
Libby and I had God or Goose-bumps all over our bodies as well as the hairs on our arms was standing at attention to Tula.  I went to the pantry to get another treat in great hopes Tula  would show Libby her latest trick, yet all the time knowing nothing would happen this time.  Tula had exited the building.  I could no longer sense her presence. 
I do not know how to "make" anyone believe me.  I just know it happened.  I saw it with my own eyes.  Bless Tula for uplifting my faith in the here-after and for coming to say goodbye to me.  Her small gesture meant so much.  Small being a worldly bad choice of words for this HUGE miracle.  I have never seen a manifestation so vividly offered to me from the spirit.  Thanks Tula and have a wonderful life playing in the pure white snow and getting the best treats ever in your new world. 

My Blog since 2007.....by Diane Ogden

I haven't written any posts for two months.  I used to love writing about the funny things I would see in our world.  Then one day a family member told me that I would never have a good life until I stopped writing this blog.  Me?  Humm.  Then shortly after that I was told by a different family member that they never wanted to see me again in their life!  Me?  I thought.  Was it anything to do with my blog?  I guess it wasn't but it was one of the worse things that ever happened to me ever.  Because I love that person and always will.  And no it wasn't a husband.  I am rather glad they are all gone forever.  And that again has nothing to do with my blog but it definitely has something to do with my life being and getting better.   As for the people that said such hurtful things to me....   I truly hope as they grow and evolve they will come to understand how life really works.  And, there are books and CD's and movies and all sort of ways to learn without being hateful and putting others down. There are even "SHRINKS" called psychologist who could help them.   And my little blog really won't make that much difference in the end. 
Me, I am going to start back finding all the humor in life's journey that I can....  and going  to blog it!

                                  

Jack Nickolson ......by Diane Ogden

Okay so this isn't Jack Nickolson but it sure is a look a liker!  This would be my Dad Joe....  Who had just been wheeled into recovery from having cancer removed from his bladder.  Yes they got it all!  My mother and I had responded to the little black box with the beeper on it that beeped and told us to get on back to the waiting room for the doctors visit.  Then they took us back to see Dad and when we rounded the corner to the open cubicle where they herd the patients in and out like milkers in the barn, this is the view we laid our eyes upon first!  "JACK!"  

I said, "Dad, hold that look."  And I grabbed my camera.  Of course Dad doesn't remember a thing and still days later has not seen this wonderful rendition of his first moments awake after cancer surgery.
He may still look like this considering he has to have the catheter in until tomorrow.  Mother says he likes the fact he doesn't have to get up in the middle of the night three times to podie!  He has a built-in Depends that he can depend on, at least one more day.  Dad is 86 and still beating the odds the surgeon says.