New Glasses x Three

OK so this is Diane doing tired last night. I got new glasses yesterday and they aren't tiny skinny lime green gross, or Sarah Palin fakes. They are totally for me, MaMa! They are fat, gold, and cool enough to hold three different types of seeing. They call that tri-focals. Who would a thunk! But then I never thunk my body would head south like it has either so we are all working together me, my eyes and the body. What choice do we have, there "aint" nothin going on at the cemetery, not even anything bad. So live on people. Buy skinny green, or fat gold. I figure these financial times call for fat gold. Just my call is all. Anyway big is back. In glasses that is. You 'll all see, just sit tight and know I am ahead of the game. Today I decided to get ready to go do some errands and look pretty at it. So I got the new tights out, the old but new gaucho pants, (tags still on from last years purchase), $7 on the closeout rack, but nice looking good brand. I was soooo proud. I pulled those gaucho's up and on only to realize I never needed to unzip them to get 'em on! Size 10 slipped right past the hips and barely sat on the mid section baby! I know I am actin smart. You would too if you down sized past 10.

S H U T - U P and don't lie to even yourself. You are jealous and you know it. My job is a tad like "dancing with the stars" but don't think it is all roses...just look at this pic of me and its not yet 9:00 p.m. That stands for Past Mama's bedtime today.. There was a day I hadn't left the house yet for the "night life" at 9:00 p.m....and look at me now. Big glasses, Assie headin south, in bed by 9:30 p.m. And going down hungry to maintain the less than size 10. And alone Jack! (usually much easier) So no comments allowed this time. Let me live! And never forget my license plate says ALSWELL!

No matter what. I actually like my new big lens's..... I have skinny ones in the drawerl

LuLu

OK so is this a cat or a ferret? This is LuLu, no not my favorite choice for a name but the daughter rules on this one because she is the owner of this ferret cat someone threw in her car and said, take her or we will shoot her! And may I add LuLu is "her" responsibility. Ya right! So back to LuLu. The daughter moves out and takes LuLu with her thank God or "The Secret" or whatever good made all that happen. Back to LuLu. So the daughter calls and tells me LuLu has some unusual symptoms.....I know enough to know we are now going to owe another veterinarian $$$$$. Daughter takes LuLu to the Veterinarian Investment Bank where we hear back that LuLu's temp is 106.2, rare. Now begins the famous testing, investing! They pretend to listen to us and then they proceed to test, invest, test, invest, test, invest. Just like your regular HMO or Bank. After $300 dollars of testing, investing....the vet gives cat ibuprofen and the fever breaks and all the tests are negative and investing positive....don't forget the $300. Ibuprofen does not cost $300. But x-rays and blood work, and IV's and shots and love, costs and easy $300. I think that is after the initial down payment. And what did Mommie Me do? She said she would back up the daughter on the payments! (Forgot to tell you Daughter quit her job) Good Mommie or dumb Mommie? Ask me later. I am still making payments on two dead animals that sit in tin cans on the pretty black shelves in this here office. God I need to get them buried one of these days at the old "Funny Farm." You all know what that is if you have been reading the blogs. Its the Wisconsin Family Farm and yes you can add the Minnesota accent Sarah Palin USES. Makes her look like a normal honest person like me......but not! Not going there. That is Cosmic Clutter to me...... OK LuLu is fine now....all she needed was kitty Ibuprofen which will probably cost $300 pretty soon anyway. For once I am ahead of the game. I already paid it.... So that makes me feel better about all this....being first that is, for once. Thanks LuLu I needed that! And I think I 'm glad you made it so I can pay for your de-clawing next.

Chasing Ghosts

I could have posted several more pictures showing where I have posted " dead people" all around my house, but you get it from these two. I love my dead people. They don't talk back, gossip about me, they don't ever make me feel guilty, they also do not cost me a dime, they don't ask me to babysit, get them any groceries, help them work on their computer, (that's a joke), complain, get sick and need all sorts of help, or even bitch about anything in particular. Our Indian Ancestors among other ancestors told us we should honor our "dead people" because they take care of us. They even believed they took care of the land we live on. And what if they got reincarnated and they are one of our neighbors. Well I am prepared for sure for my reincarnated ancestor neighbor to see I have his or her picture well displayed. I am safe! No family ghosts gonna have anything on me. At the luncheon after my Granddaddy's funeral in the 80's, his wife's niece Sandy, who he disliked allot, was raising her wine glass as she said something "smart-mouth of which no one can remember because at that exact moment her wine glass broke with a brisk clang right in her hand! Seriously! You could have heard a pin drop. It was my Granddaddy and everybody new it. He just didn't like her and he always got the last word. Dead or Alive! He is the top center picture in uniform in the black barn window frame. Sorry about the messy black paint but I couldn't find the razor blades to fix my paint overages....... The other is a pic taken too far away, but you can see I have dead people displayed from floor to ceiling. And in my kitchen I have a 4 x 6 yellowish antique pic of my favorite G-ma and G-pa right next to the toaster. Eeewww do ya think that might be in bad taste?...pun....no you know, like they are toast, gone. I also have them on a shelf right here next to my "puter desk." Hey they liked me so its a good rememory! Another one of my own words? Only if you don't know it. Once when I was going to marry and shouldn't have, that very picture flew off the wall over my bed. Yup truth! So I watch for that picture to fly off if I have any big decisions going on. Really. Maybe I just don't have the art prints I want yet. I wouldn't want my dead people to hear that, nor do I want my wine glass to burst, so sssshhhh!

P.S. Bell

What is a P.S. Bell you say? Personally if I saw that I would think it was an after-thought. You know, like at the end of a letter when you think of something you forgot...you put p.s. blah blah blah. Well that pretty much sums up Peter S. Bell, except the P.S. would be several pages long in describing this human being and I only have a paragraph so hang on. I should ask his Mother if he was an after-thought. Like maybe his parents were finished and decided to "do it" one more time, see an afterthought!! And look what they got! P.S! P.S. is everything you never wanted to know and everything you ever wanted to know. When around him one spends most of their time trying to get a word in. Cant do it! Wont happen! Unless you say, MY TURN very loudly. Then he abruptly stops and lets you take your turn. P.S. has manners but he also has ADD with impatience. Yes I know they go together, but P.S. has a double dose of it so I gave you all a double dose in words. P.S. Bell tells one liner jokes, ten liner jokes, gives me more information than the average Encyclopedia, and wonders why I don't know these things. As I sit here pondering what I just wrote and remembering how he does that to me, my mouth is wide open still in awe.... Who the H remembers about an Island somewhere in the middle of the Ocean and what happened there 30 years ago. Or State History, or World History, and on and on! I just tell him "I knew that!" P.S. remembers because he has a photographic memory! He also has a magic gift with words. I call him and tell him I need a title for a booklet and give him an idea of what I am writing about and BINGO he comes up with perfection title. He should have been a writer in Hollywood for sure. P.S. is a fighter for what he believes is right, and an atheist. Sorry I don't like it either. But P.S. Bell stuck by me as a friend when no one else did during some tough times. He is a caring person. I used to work with him for a few years and when that job ceased we remained phone friends for a couple years again to present. He makes me laugh when I might want to cry, which is hardly ever OK? Ya right! He tells me stupid jokes, (OK some of them are hilarious,) he does printing for me, sends me funny things in the mail that I can hardly get open for all his self made stickers, (I like the stickers, don't get me wrong), he helps me with my job if I get sick, and tells me I am a nice person. What do I do for P. S. Bell? Nothin much.. but listen to his life tales, his scholastic and life achievements, his high school days, His 30 some years at J.C. Penney's, his inventions, his gambling wins and losses, how he has overcome some self destructive life habits, all about his girlfriends, his ballroom dancing skills which are amazing, his Mother, Ardell who is in her 90's, his sister Marge who is a writer, and as I said all the girlfriends he takes here and there and everywhere. And he takes them in groups for God sakes! Four at a time sometimes! He has several little business's going online and off that I hear about. P.S. Bell never married but came close a couple times, and left the Catholic Church and God due to a bad experience. He must think God did it, and considering how smart he is he should know better. P.S. says when it's over, it's over! Life that is. I suppose come that day, if he goes first, I will have to step in and pray the old fart all the way into the kingdom because of his "Catholic Experience!" By the way he was not molested he says. Well isn't that just good to know. See I hear it all! My Grand-daughter would say, TMI....(too much information) and (p.s.,That's what friends are for isn't it?)

My Bathroom Among Other Things

So what does my Bathroom have to do with Cemetery Lane? I will tell you. We are supposed to live each day as though it is our last, correct? Not too hard! I worked a long day today, came home a tad tired, walked the dog Gracie Allen, grabbed a bite of food, meandered into my bathroom for a shower, and noticed it was nasty in there. It is the bathroom off my bedroom, not the guest bathroom of course. Make up strewn about the counter, toothbrush lying out in the open, hot curlers with a basket of hot curler clips, hair spray, a sink with spots of toothpaste, eeewww.....the mirror has specs of "do dah days" all over it. I was sure I would stick to the hairspray on the floor should I step out of the shower with wet feet. Dust on the towel holder....Along with yesterday's work clothes still aside the shower. Lordie sakes alive! Should I die before I wake and anyone sees that mess I shall just die again. I pray the Lord my soul to take and get someone in here to clean it up before my family sees it. Who me? What a legacy that would be to leave in their last memory of me. S H U T - U P! But then there are a couple of kitchen drawers to die for also. Puns intended. And we cant wash our underwear every day just in case we croak or a bus runs over us, can we? But we can be somewhat tidy in our homes and cars and minds just in case we bite. Who thinks of all this stuff? Me, I do...the obsessive compulsive neurotic. I am not either, My Mother is.

I am So Glad You Were Born....

Happy Birthday Chad! You are an amazing human being and I am soo glad you were born. All who have the privilege to meet you say, "You are someone special to know." To your children you are a giant of, patience, love, and kindness. To all of the rest of your family, us, we are amazed at what you accomplish in one day or one week. We are also amazed at how you can make a penny go several different directions. This life is yours, given freely, not without some roadblocks, not without some pain, not without good and bad memories. Yet they say it is all for a reason. Sometimes I want to say, S H U T - U P on that score. Regardless........ you have always been a special person. When you were a little fellow you loved and hugged everyone. When you were a teenager you tried to be a tough football man, when you were really a teddy bear, lover of all people. The most compassionate of any man I know to this day. Besides Pastor Joel Osteen maybe.

Your decisions have always been timed out regarding what was the best deal on which shoes to buy, which clothes to buy, what day/year to get married, what vehicle would be best to buy, what house, which washer/dryer, and so on. You are the researcher in the family. The one born a Libra who needs to have his scales all balanced out, yet life makes that hard. But you balance it out in your own way and time so as to find your peace. Always taking into consideration others on your path that may be affected by said decision.

I say have a great day you were born, 36 years ago. I am so glad you were born. I love you forever, Mom xxoo

"Could I Just Change This Channel!"

(for the record, pic is 6 years old)

Do I have a boujeou" on my nose today? (That is the closest I could get to the french word for booger) I couldn't get a bum to smile by giving him a hundred dollars today. I kept checking the mirror for nose boujeau's or spinach stuck in my front tooth. I even stuck my head inside my shirt for any irregular odors, like did the cat pee on my bath towel? (Sorry but stuff happens sometimes.) I went to the pet store called Mounds and usually everyone laughs at my humor, even the young ones. Not today. The kid did give me a little snack Mounds bar on my way out. Am I supposed to be grateful? I spent $25.00 on three bags of treats and all I get is a quarter sized Mounds? OK, I get it, I had an attitude from somewhere. Could it be I didn't get a day off this week? Ya think? Maybe I got my quota of laughs with Bree yesterday. But then I say that about quota sex too. I figure there must be quota's on all good stuff in life, at least for me, because I haven't seen that commodity for many a year. Sex that is. My Brother says that is what is wrong with me. Ya think? And I am not any ugly stepsister so it has to be the quota deal. I hope there is no quota on.....what? There is....there is unspoken quota's on everything. Sex, alcohol, food, spending, chocolate.....all the good stuff. You can go above and over the unspoken quota but you either get sick, or fat, or die. Wait a minute, sex doesn't kill you, it revives you. Glad I figured that one out before another year passes. Back to changing the channel for today... Then I went to Target. I needed some plastic containers for cookies and darned if I could find them. I inquired to one fellow who sent me afar to no avail. Then I inquired once again to three young teen men, one of whom pointed and said, "Over there." I looked at the one young man that voiced that command as he pointed to a VAST Target store. At least I knew which side of the store I was supposed to head to. I commented, "Over where?" He said he would take me there, he left me at half point and said, "Somewhere in the forest!" I thought to myself....I must look like the Queen of Dumbass today. Not sure his superior would be so happy with his comments to the older lady! I found the plastic on my own. And the next store I went into for cat calming nuggets, I didn't ask anyone for a darn thing just in case. I am home, plan to stay here and plan on a new channel come morning.