The Guest Room...by Diane Ogden

I have always wanted the perfect magazine type "guest room!" Wouldn't that mean I have made it, like valley girl talk, like ya know like...I have an empty room in my home/condo/apt...apartment being the truth. That said room doesn't call in any children under thirty unless sick or in serious need. I just finished the Mommie deal....last year in fact. That being so it means that old Mommies want some space and independence like when they were 20 but look the 60 they are. Well most are in their 40's, but not me, no I had to have birth control failure at 40. Most women experience freedom at 40, or having to deal with their hubbs mid life do da day crisis cruds. Not me, I had no man, none of those issues ......except the failure of the b.c. And that doesn't stand for Before Christ...because I knew him too. Which made for some other type issues we got thru. There is no guilt in Christ, I am forgiven and so on. All that is great but I still had to go thru the walk. For twenty years I have gone thru the walk... And today was no diff. The hubbs leave and the kids stay...thank God. Yet in the major scheme of life isn't this small? That child has a place on earth....as I do. Back to the guest room. So my 84 year old Dad brings me "that child's" first bed, that was stored at the "funny farm" which you understand if you follow this blog!! We carry it in, watch the Dad move slower and slower each year, then we visit a bit.... He brings me a pint of his star raspberries and a bag of his special "speragus" he calls it. Then he leaves in his truck to complete his errands...a bit slower but in good health. I want to put the bed together and I even find a baggie that says BED BOLTS... I am so thrilled at my organization until I discover the BED BOLTS are for some other bed from some other time. So there it is, "The Bed," in the infamous guest room, pieces on the floor , with the Coleman air mattress I just purchased today, (which is another blog regarding blowing it up and getting the plug put back in before it deflated)
on the floor with the 19 year old $600 day bed/ pink with pink hearts about it....three dead ceramic balls, one left to re-order from. I'll just hang baseball caps on the broken ball spots. NO, that's my point..I am at a phase of life where I should have MORE!! I should have the perfect guest room darnit. I have it all on the inside....or maybe not . If I did the outside should follow suit they say... what you think is what you get. If that is true I should have the perfect guest room, No missing balls on the bed, sex at least three times a week or more, health insurance, and be able to eat a Big Mac without fearing death from it. Or at least a Cheeseburger! Whatever, I am going to bed unfinished. Like a new piece of raw furniture that gets to chose how to turn out! That 's me...I still have time to chose. I called my daughters roomie and asked if he had any nuts. I really meant bolts! He was very silent for a moment and then I said, "Let me explain....." We obviously laughed because of course he has nuts. Of the brazen sort. I am not that old for G sakes. But I am of the Class of Class so I fixed it and carried on. I will go to Lowes, or Ace Hardware, or that one Ty Pennington uses....Home Depot and get the appropriate NUTS! And then fix the bed so I can lie upon it, watch the little TV I put on the ledge of the cat tree, (the cat is confused now too) and have a place for my daughter, Grand daughters to sleep when they stay over.....and then leave again. I love it! I even pay for it to happen. Oh and wont the boys love coming home and sleeping in a PINK bed with hearts about it? Their cool...it'll work and I'm thankful I have a guest room! Finally.

z.about.com/.../1/5/E/a/nri_historic_room.jpg

America's Got Talent...by Diane Ogden

And so do I! I do comedy routines, stand up that is....in the shower, in the car, at my desk. And I sing, in the shower, in the car, in front of the mirror and to my computer.... I draw and file them away, I write children's story's, have a couple novels going.....there so good I cant stop reading them myself! But. Oh God there's the butt! But what? I am too busy doing survival that they don't find completion. My fault for sure. But I do have fun in my shower, in my car, and at my desk. doi. I tape them and hide them in my jewel box for the afterdeath go thru someday! ha. I was watching this commercial, I think for some cellular phone service, and they showed beautiful fairy dust (diamond dust) sparkling in the air when the phone rang. They showed balloons when a text came thru. And so on. In other words they put visual to a happy emotion. I love fairy dust and I want some. I saw it used in a play once....The Christmas Carol. From that day on I wanted to sprinkle fairy dust. Wouldn't it be fun to sprinkle it at/on someone every time you gave them a compliment? Or maybe not....might get arrested. I suppose prisoners might like and need some Fairy Dust. I know I do...because its happiness. And you cant throw happiness on people if they don't want it....real or not. I think I might get boo-ed off America's got talent because I just have too much of it. Like the Jack of all talent and the master of none. Wonder if that phrase is old now too. The other day I said to a friend, "Oh you girls are like the Three Musketeers!" She responded with, "What? You mean the Three Amigo's?" I said, "Yes, exactly!" Now if I only had a spanx full body bathing suit and a bra that really fit I would be even happier. Oh and of course a bag of fairy dust to pass around....because fairy dust represents Love! Since there is no such thing....we must spread it with our hearts via our eyes via our actions. Love....I've got talent! In the shower, in the car, and at my desk.

I got that photo online and forgot where...please forgive me!

Independence Day...by Diane Ogden

Chris Dimitri Ogden

Well me oh my look in my eye! I missed the 4th of July! I woke up with a stiff neck, lasted for two days plus, (I'm being negative about tomorrow) my cat broke 0ut of our barricaded porch and caught a cute little gopher who lies in RIP on my deck! I don't do dead little animals...not birds, or gophers or mice! I freak the frick out on those little critters. Like call 911..My plants need water but ain't gonna happen until manager's boyfriend comes and removes tiny RIP dead animal. I can sit with a friends dead child and pray but not a dead small animal. I just hope I am not a reincarnated Crow....eeeewww... All I know is I cant do it. My Dad cant either and he isn't a reincarnated Crow. When I was a kid my brother, whose name is Linley Young, used to say, "WORMS, YOUR EATING WORMS..." whenever we had spaghetti and I would run from the table crying.. I could not eat. Dunno why that happens. Call it association maybe. And maybe it is just that and that is all it is. But that's allot! Back to point..I did not get any independence from any of that crap. I did although get to talk via SKYPE (George Jetsons' Picture Telephone service) to my son in Thailand for three hours no lie. He is an amazing teacher of life. He chalks religion...he has gone thru sooo much to get where he is and it is paying off. Cant wait for his video online teachings. He gave me Independence of all sorts! What a guy! Time to put this neck issue "to sleep" so I can work and never have to live by the river. I think I am laughing...

Governor Sanford (and Son JunkYard mess) by Diane Ogden

Can you flippin believe what that "man" said in public! "I can now die knowing I have met my soul mate!" Duh, what a jerk or not so smart a person. Or his heart and his penis are beating in sync in public. OMG! I have had a few psychology courses and this is basis 101 self absorption. Or maybe he is really smart and playing dumb. That is a Southern Gentlemen trait in case you don't know it. I lived there, experienced such so take it from an expert! Not with that Governor, but ...... Back to point. If in fact he is playing Southern Gentlemen, his goal is to be with the soul mate Maria, by making his wife leave him so he doesn't look guilty as charged. Does he think we don't know our ass from third base out here? Actually his ass is on the block and he is desperately trying to save it and everything else for HIM! Those poor kids. And Mrs. Sanford....
"Make him suffer and don't let him go for at least two years." Pay back is hell baby. And this is a big one indeed. Might even beat John Edwards deal.

www.jail4judges.org/.../WolfInSheepsClothing.jp

The Buick and Jail Time...by Diane Ogden

I have always driven a car I was proud of. Well almost always. Once my second husband decided to buy me a car. How nice huh? Well the hubs brought home an old used Police Car! Yup he did. Was I happy? Nope I wasn't. Was I embarrassed? Yup I was for a long time. Kate and John plus 8 had nothin on me! I'm fine.....it was a long time ago and I am over it, can't you tell? Back to my point. I hit some hard times in 2003 - 2007. My 2000 Dodge Intrepid was getting embarrassing. (not like the old police car!) So my parents bought a new Buick from my brother who owns a dealership in upper Wisconsin and they gave me the old Buick. Mudflaps, whitewalls and all! I then gave my 18 year old Grand-daughter my Intrepid so she could find a job. What's my point? I have made so many jokes about this Buick. Like how I can go to any local restaurant and line up with the rest of the Buick's, eat eggs, and fit right in! All old people own a Buick and I was not ready for a Buick. But I got one, free, paid for. So I made myself be thankful. (i.e.Oprah) No one gets in trouble for one drink duh....but my life has been run by the guilt button......so I forgot. Friday night I drove 25 miles to my home town to have fish with a facebook friend I hadn't seen in years. We had fish! I had one scotch and soda. I left the "bar" around 10:30 and took the back roads home. I was going thru a small town when I noticed a police car sitting bored. I knew that I knew he was going to stop me. I didn't know why, I just knew. I started digging in my purse for the ONE Halls Menthol Liptus STRONG smelling cough drop. Do you know any woman with an organized purse? Nope. I dug and I dug and I found IT just as the red and blue and white lights started circling my bladder!! Oh for sure! I thought to myself, "Why is he stopping me?" I am not speeding. Sheit, its the plates. Whose going to take my dog out to podie? omg! He comes to my Buick window. I have my drivers license ready. I cant even tell you what I said. Blah blah blah. I had practiced this a hundred times. Why? Because my mind goes fast and I imagine allot. That is why I write novels see? OK so he says I have no plates. And I am searching for the title I know I put in the car. Then I go into my best form of master salesmanship. I have been told I was a born salesperson. It worked. I told him with Halls Menthol breath that my Mother GAVE me this car....and I gave my Grand-daughter my car. That my brother owns the dealership listed on those plates... ALL AMERICAN APPLE PIE FAMILY uh huh!! He never asked me if I had been drinking. Why would he ask an old lady in a Buick with white walls and mud flaps.

S H U T U P! Am I now thankful for the Buick. Oh yes I am! He let me go...no warning nothing.

He was just bored is all. I was not bored! And I informed him that he scared me near to death. Another sales pitch is all. The older I get the better I get. He apologized! LOL

What a Week! by Diane Ogden

I finished my taxes, and yes I applied for an extension. And I had to pay!! I hate paying the government right now. So we wont go there today. Then I spent more days trying to figure out the FAFSA (Federal Aid to Students) online website while filling out their papers, losing my pin with only a day left before the appointment at the School to fill out more papers. This is the only good thing I can think of or remember about my Daughter's father. He was a passing person in the night....no, no, not just a one nighter! A three monther....with birth control that obviously failed. He never paid his part... sucker died, too bad, so sad....and now its payback time! The daughter will get social security while she attends school full time. Yes!! What a Dad huh? Onto the next day of the week.... My Step Grand-daughter was in a very bad car accident. She always wears her seat belt but did not that said day. The driver over corrected after hitting the side gravel which sent them air born into a field and somehow she flew from the front seat through the back window, landed on her tailbone, broke it, broke her pelvis, her collarbone, ribs, fractured her shoulder and punctured her spleen. The police officer said it was a miracle she is alive from all he has seen in his travels on the job. She has to use a walker which her cat is scared of. She got out of ICU and then out of the hospital in four days. Doctors said, "When we see you can walk and you have "pooped" you may leave." So she did both and left. Kids!! Next, I got this new washing machine at my apartment and used it. I put some bleach in the dispenser, washed the towels, then washed my five cute little outfits (in a new load) I wear to work each day of the week. Sort of like those underwear we used to have with embroidered Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, each a different color... yup just like those. When all is "washed and done" my five little outfits have large and small white spots all over them, AND THEY ARE NOT WHITE! So who do I sue for new work clothes? Surely if I write a letter to Whirlpool they will respond promptly, not! If I demand the apartment complex reimburse me for my ruined goods, will they? Not! So what do I do, wear nasty clothes to work huh? huh? I'm pissed now. Just telling you all has made it worse. So its been the IRS, FAFSA, VITI, ICU, and then to top it off, dead clothes......Now do you see why that lousy three month-er looks so good to me this week. He is the only payoff and he's dead which means no trouble, peace ya know, and that's a good thing. Take that however you'd like. Me, I need some peace without dying to get it. See why you shouldn't ever say your dying for anything, ha! Love my puns...

p.s. of course that is me in the photo, duh!! (Another dead one gone, body that is)

The First Date in MANY Years + Rain by Diane Ogden

And I thought I was going on a simple double date to a baseball game! NOT! I had the best threesome ever. No not that way....I got all three of these wonderful men to myself for eight hours of laughing, more laughing, getting rained on most of the night, taking turns holding umbrella's. Steve, (the man in blue) his boss gave me a slicker rain coat, Don (in gray) bought me a DuckPond Mallards baseball cap, and Tim (in green) besides making me laugh for hours, brought me a sweet little turtle sundae in a mini baseball cap. We ate hamburgers and french fries in the pouring rain with wet napkins that reminded one of wet toilet tissue....obviously that doesn't cut it and sticks to your fingers and face. We watched a man shot out of a canon...We weren't going to. We were going to make Tim call a cab if he decided to stay any longer in that miserable weather, but he persisted like a bad child! He pushed us all to stay and we turned out very glad we did! It was a pretty good deal after all. At this time it was a tad past midnight so we stopped at a local pub for a couple toddie's. Steve was driving so he did not drink. I had two Scotch and soda's and continued laughing ridiculously. They say laughing cures all illness's. I am certainly cured of any and all past present and future illness that may try to befall me. Wont happen!