Pepe' Le Pew

This would be Pepe' Le Pew...or better known as Gracie Allen Ogden.  She is a rescue dog...half Pomeranian and half Chihuahua..or is it Chihauhau? Either way you get it.  I have had her for 2.5 years. I cannot poo train her.  I have her podie trained but no poo trained.  I have new carpet so she lives in my Bedroom all day while I am at work. As soon as I hit the door I take her outside and she podies.  We come back in and I let her run free while keeping a close eye on her, sometimes even keeping her in my office with me.  But when I walk back out to my living area, Whalla...Pepe Le Pew has struck again like a ninja burglar.  I keep a piece of carpet over the spot she has claimed as her  privately owned pooing section.  I'ts really bad when she has diarhea. OMG I think I finally spelled that right after 40 years of not doing so. I own a company called Resolve Carpet cleaner by now.  I just have no answers anymore.  The frustration level is that of sitting on the tarmack for 7- 10 hours. Nothing you can do but wait and clean it up. I know their small. But pew-y! And nastily unsanitary.

McDonald's Employee Mad at Me! by Diane Ogden

Today as usual I was hungry. I recently purchased a new cold pac lunch bag so I don't die from hot mayonaise. I put two ice cold pacs in it due to the extreme heat in Wisconsin lately.  Today I came out from the last client with great anticipation to eat my ham and smoked natural turkey with fresh garden lettuce, omega #3 butter, and Omega #3 MAYONAISE half sandwich!  I opened the new lunch bag, took out the sandwich and pickle only to realize it was warm! Indeed, warm.  I took one bite just to see if I might be kidding...spit her out in the pretty purple napkin then out the winder toward the old oak tree side the road.  Then the anger set in.  I must take after my Dad because if his food is messed with he is off the charts something. All charts. So I went to McDonald's and ordered a BigMac Wrap. Its a small, tad more healthy little thing than their usual oil soaked food.  I have to ask for it with no cheese and no sauce as I am lactose intolerant. Totally.

I also asked for Mayo on the side because if I don't they squirt one or two packets of mayo all in one spot. Can you imagine biting into that?  No diff than squirting two packets into mouth at once. It doesn't taste like frosting for sure! Not by itself ewww.  So I unwrap it and there is NO MAYO PACKET.  I think to self, o well, eat it the way it is, no biggy.  Then I take a couple bites and something not quite right. I pull over into a shady area and open the wrap. There must have been a hundred thousand onions bits in there.  I started scooping them out with my finger. Picture that classy 8 x 10 glossy!  By the time I finished what you see in the above picture was on that little bitty burger in that little bitty wrap.  I could'nt believe my eyes.  So I got out the trusty camera and did an Onion Photo Shoot.  Do not even try to tell me this was normal.  Someone was mad at me for asking for something special out of the ordinary.

I can only hope they didn't do anything else to it!  I should have turned around and gone back ....it came from McDonald's on Century and Allen Blvd. in Madison, Wisconsin...on June 24th, 2010 at 3:00 p.m. So if you were working that day on that shift. Shame the" hello" on you!

FORWARDS!

Many Forwards I receive in my email box are hilarious, marvelous, wonderful, amazing, interesting, informative, fun, and keep me praying so I don't have anything HORRIBLE happen to me for not Forwarding to at least 10 people in the next ten minutes.  Stupid threats can be intimidating.  Therefore I have lived in a computer world long enough to hate forwards!  Especially political ones. Old people send me Forwards about their bodies and its inevitable changes. No matter, I hate forwards. Sometimes I delete them before I even read them.  Maybe when I am 75 or 80 I will have time to read them before I delete them.  That is unless I get cursed for not forwarding the forwards before I am 75 or 80!  I don't believe in an email cursing me. Unless it carries a trojan virus that is. And that wont stop me from getting to 75-80 so I can read the cursed Forwards. Now....if you don't send this to ten people in the next ten mintues, your new Stainless Steel Fridge will take a crap. And if you don't have a Stainless Steel Fridge, then something awful will happen to your driver side windshield wiper! And so on!  Your firstborn is fine....I don't do bizarre or Forwards.

photo from www.forums.macn.com/

Genuine Adventuresome Disorder? GAD

I think I was born scared.  Some people are born free, but I don't know any of them, do you? Then someone "said" or wrote down somewhere that after we are born we should have holy water poured over our heads or better yet we should get "dunked" in blessed water to become free.  Free of the sins of our Mother's because the woman ate the  cursed apple in the blessed garden. S H U T U P! Give me a thorough break from that hooey.  I was not inebriated when my son was conceived, his Father was.  I would say that is something one would consider a "bad apple," or "cursed apple." Wouldn't you?  I may have come into the world with some generational bullsheep from this one or that one down the line but hey, I did'nt and don't partake of cursed apples...in blessed gardens. Only cursed men in other places. Well not any more since I became this intelligent being that got the holy water poured on me. Some say I am still not good because I didn't dunk it!  Not going to either, dont like water, even bath tub water that gets too deep. No way naddo no thank you anyway.  I have a strong suspicion, (sp) that I am blessed and loved no matter what apple I eat or what I might do.  So I try to be a good human being and not listen to hogwashy religions. My point was that I think I was really born scared.  My Mother said it was storming to beat the band or is that ban?  To this day I get freaky when storms come around too close.  I get freaky at allot of things that come around. Even if they don't come around, I imagine they are coming around.  They labeled it...with a couple words.  Anxiety or GAD. Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It's so much fun to have. You can have your own little movie's going all day long in your head.  The truck carrying logs ahead of your car will surely fall on you any moment. The elevator will drop in two seconds.  The gas pump will blow up and you wont die. The Tornado will hit your abode and while you are in the basement the cement will drop on just your car and the jaws of life will have to come, but in the meantime you may have to cut off your own hand. Seriously that is what GAD is.  The theatre will catch on fire while your watching the movie so I/you have to sit in the back row. The plane will crash over water. The car will fall into a sink hole before I/you get to work. The bridge will collapse and the car will fall into water water over my/your head.  Someone will crawl into the window, but they'll leave after they see me/you sleeping with my/your mouth open. That is a good vision.  I could go on.  This is why I can write. I see things that aren't real so I write them down and use the negative disorder and turn it into entertainment. The kid at the bank told me I should be on the radio. I said, "Why?"  He said, "So you can give everyone your funny daily pointers."  I had told him I am not as broke as a joke like it looks on his computer screen. That I hide it all under my underware so I can remember where I put it. You know, Under the Under. Using word association so I don't forget where it is.  I know I know.  Actually I do not hide money at home in case any hackers are reading my amazingly interesting blog. And don't try breaking in my home because I am expecting you. Remember, I have GAD. GENUINELY ADVENTURESOME DISORDER! I already saw you coming! I am ready. Fight or Flight for sure. I never know which I will chose.

photo from: http://www.thatwoman.wordpress.com/

Peter's Robot, Hal

Hey, Remember my friend Peter. The one who is agnostic and blames the Catholic Nuns for such a view of the afterlife, or better said, "The Nuns caused  him to believe there is "None" afterlife. He says ya just stop being, then get placed in different dust container next to the squirrels and skunks and simply are no more. No spirits, no ghosts, no demons, no angels, no heaven, no hell, nadda "NUN!" So Peter has to hurry and live life and make lots of money so he can go to New England and sit by the waters edge and talk to the birds. He wishes for a woman but I think the birds might be easier at this point in life. Because he cant find women who had bad "Nuns" when they were kids and believe in seperate dust containers like him. In other words they believe.  He says he wasn't molested by any Catholic anybody...just bad "Nuns!"  You know the ones that hit your knuckles with sticks. Ya, those. Isn't that where the term "BY GOD, I will beat your ars and knuckles!"  So what's a kid to think?  That by God's wish he got beat.  Yet one would think after 50 years or so Peter would have seen some spiritual goodness from the world of afterlife.  Guess not YET.  So Peter's latest toy in his financial plan to make it rich is:  The downloaded Robot. Note the word loaded!  Loaded with what? $$, or is the Robot Robber?

I think the Nun's might come in behind the Robot Robber on a scale of deceivership. Is there such a word? And Peter paid for the it, the robot money maker of foreign exchanging dollars. He named it Hal from the movie 2001. I don't remember it but everyone else will I am sure.

Peter talks 24/7. He calls and I listen. If I yell really really loud he will stop for nano seconds so I have to hurry and speak.  Peter is very smart. He should have used the money for the robot to go on Jeprody. I didn't spell that right. Darn blogger dismissed spellcheck! Peter has a photographic memory. He likes to ask me questions from our high school biology class full well knowing I will falter the answer and he will look smarter.  It's ok, he lost all his hair and can't find a woman who new Bad Nuns...so I let him look smarter all the time.  You know what?  I hope that Finanacial Robot makes him millionaire!!  Then I hope he gives me at least $10,000 so I can move to L.A. with my boys that love me! (Just for listening to him since 2004!)  He does tell funny jokes. Every joke he has ever known in fact. Problem is I can't remember jokes, so I just listen and laugh.

The Best Purse in the Whole World

I just got this gorgeous purse from my daughter for Mother's day.  I know, I know, it's a month late..but after she got it she decided to use it for a few weeks first.  I can't blame her....just look it!  Long as I didn't know "my gift" was getting used first allswell! Nothing funny about this, nothing newsworthy, nothing at all but a wonderful fun present. It's a Miche brand.  I don't know if that's good but he or she designer came thru on this one. Maybe something funny tomorrow.

I Am Not a Hoarder...

Nobody saves baby food jars!  I do.  Since my cat started eating one jar of ham and gravy every morning I save them. I have tried to throw them away and I cannot.  I just know I am not a hoarder of any sort so there must be a reason. I used to save tall pickle jars and I couldn't figure out why. Just like these little jars! Then a couple months before Christmas last year I decided to send all my relatives my special deceased Grandmothers Peffer-nut cookies.  They are the size of a large thumbnail so the jars were perfect. I also put Grannies photo on label  and on jars.  Not that I could get cookies into these little buggers.  But who knows. It will be interesting.  Although I swore I had over a hundred by now. Must have hid them somewhere. I even thought of glueing them to the outside of a door at the funny farm (family homestead) to see if they would act as a solar panel. Or like in the movie "Baby Boom" when Diane Keaton moved to New England area and started making gourmet baby applesauce which led to her being a billionaire.  I know that's been over done already.  Buttons? I have a button collection for no reason also.  I am not a hoarder! They'd be great for little beads or jewelry peices. I collect old jewelry and take it apart...remake things from it.  Actually I will just wait and see what grand idea comes out of the universe for me to use these little glass jars for.  How about buying an old car and glueing them all over it. Calling it a Glascar....like Nascar.  Parade's and such. Just have to watch out for hail storms. Which way to glue them on....open end or closed.  Wouldn't want them to mold if glued on closed. eewwww.  But they would get full of water and bugs and leaves and dirt and bird poo.  Forget the Glascar like Nascar.

Bad idea or not thought through yet.  Like I said, I can wait.