Hot Guy at the DMV by Diane Ogden

OK so I haven't seen a hot guy (man) for a long......time.  But this one was.  I recently purchased a used new car for my daughter, put it in my name for insurance purposes, (hopefully no one will read this and turn me in) therefore I am sitting at the DMV filling out the proper paperwork for plates and then paying some jerk sales tax and walking out.  That is after taking a NUMBER, thank God not imprinted on my forehead yet or chipped inside my body under my flesh, which I hope I die first and don't come back to this planet again until its straightened out and its over all this crap, which may never be! Back to my point....  I have my number which is I808, my papers filled out properly I pray, and my little library book in my pocket listening to a mystery novel, when in walks Mr. Gorgeous "ass," who sits down directly across from my plastic seat with my paper number laying on my old working clothes lap.  Uh huh, truth.  He had to be gay or french!  I think French.  The last Frenchman I "came " cross was on a beach in Florida.  One of my only life encounters than could have been dangerous but wasn't and is a good memory.  A stranger who walked up to me on a beach in Florida, introduced himself, asked if he could give me a massage, of which I gave an affirmative, of which was something I NEVER did or would consider, but I did!  And omg....need I say more.
Probably, but some of my friends read this so I needn't say more for now.  Back to my point.  There he sat, Mr. Frenchman masseuse, wearing a flipping black barre.  God I cant spell Berra...you know one of those flat backwards hats.  God I sound like a hick...  Ok back to my point.  I haven't had this happen for a  long time. I was insecure, wishing, wondering, thinking, making cool faces just in case he was looking at me.  By the way, he wore very nice jeans, a nice shirt, jacket, socks, and omg shoes. I always check out the shoes.  They were the European  long dong shoes.  Ok sorry about the dong thing but my mind was cruising.  A gold watch, a class ring, a diamond ring, and less wrinkles than I have.  While listening to my book on tape which I probably missed most of, I was trying not to look at him. Trying not to guess his age, trying to look cool by making those faces I know look best on me. When I got out to my car I double checked some of those faces in my rear view mirror and I must have looked like an idiot, or a woman trying to make cool faces for him. Bet he's seen this before.  Shitsky! All the time sneaking peeks at him noticing he laughed and he yawned and I could see he didn't have many fillings in his teeth...hummm had me beat on that one too.  Made me mad I didn't have nice clothes on and my rings and watch on.  That I hadn't gotten my mini face lift at $3,000, but gave that money away to needy kids. ha. Made me self conscious that the eye glasses I just got are tinted a bit too dark in the yellow/brown area so I look like I have liver issues. Shitsky! Then there are my black socks I prayed didn't show any dog hair that may have decided to travel with me from my house.  Add the $5 on sale Wal Mart (China) pants I had on that I wore to work...hey, I had a Ralph Lauren shirt on but not the push up bra, rather the Ah Hah one. You know the flat sleeper one. Add to this, I have a bump on my nose so I tried not to turn sideways, then I tried to have the God look, the squinty cute sweet eyes...You know that one, that look?  I hope I never see him again because he probably knew exactly what I was doing.  Trying to look better than I look, trying to hide the wrinkles of stress and mere aging.  Then I realized he probably had a skinny wiener so I left him at the DMV all alone with my facial expression memories.  He probably blogged about the woman he sat across at the Department of Motor Vehicles that he was sure was trying to impress him in every way possible.  What a compliment he said!  He is right. He was a compliment to the entire room and to me. Thank You Mr. French.  You stood out among the all....the Spanish, the Orientals and all the rest of the almost hundred people sitting waiting for their number to be called.  He could call my number anytime.  Make my day....you did Mr. French, you did.  Thanks for the memory.

Where's Malaysia? By Diane Ogden

Last night there was an 8.2 earthquake in Japan that devastated much of the county and peoples lives.  Huge cracks in roads, bridges down, roads out, water rushing in filled with black debris such as cars, trees, animals, and so on.  Horror.

I happened to be up most of the night because my daughter was sick with the NoroVirus green puecking Linda Blair look...all night. About five o'clock I checked my phone for some reason and saw that my number four son had called me from Malaysia twice.  The phone was in my pocket! Must have been on accidental silent.  I made an international call to him but all circuits were busy.  I had no idea of the earthquake at this point so I went to sleep at 5:30a.m. At 7:30 my daughter with the green Noro Virus swaggers out of her room saying, "Mom, Derek called and he hopes Chris is safe because there was the biggest earthquake in the world in Japan last night."  OK so that was a little over the top but not much.   Given those words I flew off the sofa, grabbed my phone, checked for messages, wrote on FaceBook that my son was in Japan!  (Since when is Malaysia in Japan...?)  I added on face book that Chris called from Malaysia.  I must not be the only "Hick" among my FB friends because no one said anything. Either we all need to go back to school for a refresher course in World whereabouts or they were just being polite.  I would put a check by the first one.  We all need a refresher in world maps.  One guy did enlighten me regarding Japan vs Malaysia, but he did it through a private message.  Good man! That would be Chris's friend Hugh Crane.  Thanks Hugh.
Point?  Chris is fine.  Not liking being on Koh Phi Phi, an Island hearing sirens, seeing fires, etc.  Time to come home?  Ya Think?
Bottom line is I made a little ass of myself on the large "face" book.

Arthritus?? and Rock n Roll?? by Diane Ogden

I love to dance. Always have.  Won dance contests in 4th grade, at grad party, and then onto other dancing...in bars mostly.  Oh God! Suppose you were expecting me to say Dancing With the Stars or at least the Fred Astaire School of Dance where my Auntie taught for years! Nope I was a wayward dancer, or delinquent dancer, or maybe a hometown girl dancer is a better title, adjective, verb for my dancing.  And as the years (decades) have passed I still love to dance. Ballroom, Jazz, Country, Rock, whatever....

What's my point?  I have arthritis in some joints from "pissed off!"  They say arthritis  comes from anger.....and that is true.  I try to fix that emotion so I can dance again and for other obvious reasons such as health, well being, forgiveness, and so on, but in the meantime I can still dance....  But ONLY when I listen to 60's music.  The best and happiest time of my life!  I can dance!  Actually I dance with one of the posts of my four poster bed!  Its great leverage as well as it makes for a great partner.... and then I can get into my huge four poster bed and spread out with no one in the way.  I can dance!  Oh, forgot to say:  There is no arthritis in my body in the 60's.  Must be why I can dance with the post from the 60's. It's all mental you see?

The Leaning Tower of Pee-za Went Down...by Diane Ogden

So I get home from work.  Take the dog out.  Fix a piece of toast with cheese and jelly.  Call Mother at the convalescent home to check on her healing broken hip. Then took a podie break only to find six of my teepee tissue rolls on the floor and one GIANT water soaked podie wipe roll in the toilet.  Yup, I forgot to put the lid down. And fellows, this is what happens to us girl rears when the lid is left up.  Soggy, unraveled (mentally,) fully soaked and feeling very spread out and spread thin just like this sogged fallen female tushie tissue.  Poor thing. And check out that male role (roll) still standing next to her..  sshheessh.  Put the lid down guys!

The Leaning Tower of Toilet Paper by Diane Ogden

I do not like one ply toilet tushie tissue...and last time I purchased toilet poddie wipe tissue I accidentally bought twelve rolls of the stuff.  This meant that several times a day I yanked really hard on the uppie poopee paper tissue holder, (I like my shoot shiner tissue to roll out from the top) so I could get a big bunch of it and get it all used up fast.  It still took quite some time but finally today I got to purchase twelve new rolls of two ply softer crap wrapper tissue.  Although I noticed they are now making the inside roller much larger around and shorter to save on teepee tissue on the manufacturers end.  Not the same way we have to save on bung fodder tissue is it?  We have to save on butt wipe tissue so they can save on turd towel tissue.  Something like that.  Regardless, I always stack my spiky bark tissue rolls in the corner beside the toilet.  I stack a few and put the rest in a closet...but today I decided to stack em all for the heck of it.... I counted 14!  I got a kick out of doing it for some reason.  Then I noticed the toilet seat was up and the ars wipe tissue tower was leaning a bit....so I quickly put the lid down to save several rolls in case of tower failure.  Suppose I will take some of them down, just in case.  In case of what I don't know. Even if they fell on my head while sitting there it would be no big deal. Odd day today, at least I got a laugh out of my little lego boodie wipe toilet paper tower.

Do the Math! I Owe Them One Bag of DOVE, That's All!...by Diane Ogden

OOK so I have a client that keeps a nice bowl of Dove dark chocolate on their sofa table...of which I visit every two weeks.  And every two weeks for almost two years I eat one, OK sometimes two pieces of Dove Chocolate, depending on the amount of Dove Chocolate in the bowl.  Wouldn't want them to miss any.  I am not a thief by any means...well I did take a piece of entertainment food, but did I steal it?  OMG surely I am not a thief.  Maybe I am a merely a "tiny" chocolate thief? I hate that word.  Therefore I deducted that after 18 months plus of eating/stealing, ohh I hate that word!, two pieces a month for 18 months would equal me owing my client one bag of Dove chocolates total.  I think I am now due an out of jail card...  Does this mean I can never eat another one of their Dove pieces again???  That would suck. I might have to bring my own and that's no fun.  I promise to buy them one bag every 18 months or so. Depending upon how the math works out.  Hey its not like I borrow money from them and put it back every 18 months.  Duh. It's DOVE for crying out loud for chocolate!!

Spider Veins on My Teeth? by Diane Ogden

As you know from a previous post I almost put super glue in my eye after eye surgery because the bottle was almost the same as the antibiotic bottle.  Fortunately I caught the slight difference in bottles therefore I am fine.  But....                      this morning I woke at the insane hour of 4:30 after a stupid dream that I was a bad Mother.  Imagine that! What Mother ever thinks such a thing. And what child no matter the age ever pushes the bad Mother button all Mothers have right on our shoulder.  Mine must have gotten pushed to have that arss (ass) dream because it was a stinker bad one and it woke me up at 4:30 a.m. and kept me up, period.  I wandered into the "rest room," why do they call it that?  I have never rested in the toilet room.  Back to my point.  I wandered in there, grabbed my toothpaste, opened the lid and that is when I realized the lid was not right. Too big.  I took another view and noticed the label said, Solution for Spider Veins.  Last time I looked I do not have spider veins on my teeth.  Anyway its outdated and has turned yellow and thick (I know I know, throw it away OK - I will!) and thank God I didn't put that goop in my mouth. But then who knows it might have whitened my teeth.  It lightens/whitens red veins.  Humm, maybe I'll dig it out of that trash after all. 

Just k i d d i n g..... just remember this all happened because some kid pushed my bad Mommie button. That won't happen again.  (Ya sure)