OMG! or is it SAS? Which Toxic Phrase Would You Chose? by Diane Ogden

Everyone says Oh My God, or Dear Lord, or God dammit, or Jesus!! Whether they are happy or angry or sad.  Or they say, Holy God, or Lordie Lordie, or Good God! That scared the bejesus out of me," "Well for the God of heaven and earth,"  "Sweet Jesus!" "Oh my sweet Jesus/Lord," "Well for the love of Jesus," Oh my Lord, and on and on.

Why do people not take the name of Satan in vain instead of God.  I feel very bad if I slip in a moment, or maybe an entire day of anger which leads me to say God's name in any angry manner.  Would I feel bad if I said, "Satan Dammit?"   Or if I said, "Satan, Satan!"  How about "Sweet Satan!"  hummm, I dislike that one. "Oh you shitty Satan!" I personally like that one.  "Well for the hate of Satan."  Holy Satan, Dirty Satan, Damn Satan, Son of a Satan, Mother Satan, "That scared the Satan out of me!" Silly Satan, Savage Satan, Sorry Satan,  SAS= Sorry Ass Satan??  Well it just came to my mind is all.  Evil effing Satan!

I think I would need to choose one and stick with it or I wouldn't be able to train myself to switch this gear in life.  You know from saying OMG all the time to SAS. Possibly both and or all are basically toxic phrases.

I can remember a stitch in my life time where the fad was to say, "Fudge," when having a moment of anger or frustration. Now we hear "Shut the Front Door" even during Prime Time on TV.  I am not inclined to say that is progress, rather SAS has digressed us and we have allowed it.

The Button Extender.....by Diane E. Ogden

I do not know what happened, but I grew.  I grew 7 pounds of grow...  I must have eaten fertilizer.  No clue. What I do know is I had to hunt up my OLD button extender and,  my favorite Ralph's (Lauren) do not fit. I am back in the fat pants.  Well not that fat, but more than I usually have hanging around.
This means I will have to feel those nasty pangs of hunger during the day for at least 30 days.  That is what it takes for me to lose 8 lbs.  Protein for 30 days.  Cruds!  Or maybe I will just buy new clothes!!  Cut out one food I have been "fressing" on and forget it.  No....I will lose it like I always do all my life...10 up 10 down 10 up 10 down, swearing to never let it happen again but it does.  But it will never happen again this time.  Sure, that is why I keep three boxes of three different size underwear stashed in my closet, keeping one size out at a time.  6's, 7's, and 8's...  Not that anyone needs to know that.  Or which I am in at present! I hate fat.  It resembles lumpy sausage under the skin. I shall never forget the day Oprah pulled that little red wagon full of greasy yellow fat out on her stage depicting the amount of fat she had lost.  Knowing I have seven block pounds of that horrid yellow thick nasty stuff on me is too much to live with.  Therefore it will be gone!  And after it is gone I still have plenty to sustain me and my Ralph's. But not enough to push me over the top like that seven did! (I have handles and I never had those) see it has to go. I don't want to wear full body spankx thank you! My son is visiting from Thailand and put those nasty stars around my web cam dealie frame....  Just ignore it. Pretty hard to ignore 100 and some yellow stars.  Just like me trying to ignore that yellow gag-shis fat on my core body!

The Vampire Tongue...... by Diane Ogden

Little ones can get away with an out of control tongue.  You know, that "thing" inside your mouth that is always there, and seems to have a  mind of
its own.  Recently I have met several "people" who really shouldn't have one (a tongue) that is connected to a sound box anyway.  Animals don't have the ability to put letters together in their brains, connect that to their tongues, and in turn connect that to their sound boxes and in turn speak sounds that are either naughty or nice. Or possibly they are merely dumb as (ass) like Mr. Potato Head with no parts.... Like I said, some of the species I have met lately should have fur on their skin. Truly most animals act more decent.  Am I angry?  No, just spent out with those human critters who have no regard for anyone but their own furry asses.  I have seen the "black card" used by a woman dragging an infant down a hallway at an urgent care because she wanted someone to carry him for her, yet she didn't ask.  Another pulled the same card and pulled directly in front of me at the grocery line.  I actually said something and there was a near altercation of two fuzzballs that time.  I guess I my tongue/brain/voice box fell off the proverbial Angel wagon.  I have also seen the "I can't do anything pregnant card" used lately....as well as the "lazy dog" card which leaves a puddle on my bedroom carpet...  along with "political cards" all over the place.  Thank God the "Charlie Sheen card" is finally slipping off the ass of America like a bad pimple.  That man's nards are in his mouth. He needs to bend over and relocate and readjust himself. I mean who would pay hard earned money to go see that crap?  I guess drug dealers like him would because that isn't hard earned $ like mine. I forgot to mention the "redneck card,"  the one's that need to learn how to read before they speak and should be banned from owning duct tape. Do I think I am better?  Damn right I do.  I can read, don't duct tape my car together, (I use super glue) don't snore in waiting rooms, don't charge people to listen to my drunken drug filled rages, (I do them quietly behind closed doors for free), and so on.  I have the "baby boomer card" and do listen to '60's music while dancing to it like a fool, yet I cant get up a flight of stairs anymore.  Humm, must be something to do with positive brain activity sending messages to the hips, legs, and feet! That's my "dance card."  Some of those other furry human critters should try moving their hips, legs, and feet instead of their nasty tongues. There is a full Moon!

photo from: http://www.marketingmotivation.com/
bottom photo:  mwah laughing at self

I Used to be a Dumb Cluck....by Diane Ogden

I do not recall where I got this picture but it's priceless!  Just look at that Man-Chick, I mean Rooster high stepping his feathery strut across that plank like a real man would ride a Harley or any motorcycle for that matter...Strutting a plank or straddling a Harley .....there he be with a herd of dumb clucks ready to follow that bad boy!  Can chicken's swim?  I really cannot remember...and if not these hens are dumber than dumb.  I used to be dumb like that yet I would never follow any man across a "river," walking a plank, especially because I cant swim and because I have learned some man-Chic's, long legged boys, (means not fully growed up yet man,) and even real men have led me astray across many a river, mountain, and stream! Obviously I allowed it, hello walk the plank blank.  Back then, and I don't mean yesterday or last month, this dumb cluck had a degree in dumbass. Now I have a degree in class and manners, (cant you tell,) but I still cant swim. 
Just look at those dumb clucks! Hilarious

Dad's in a Box in the Spare Room, by Diane Ogden

So I was at a client's home today, one I visit every other week and have for about two years....Nice people.  These nice people's Father / Father-in-law moved in with them after his wife passed away last year.  I met him several times and we had many nice talks.  Me being a Hospice Care Volunteer in the past plus having a soft place in my heart for the elderly allowed me to be a good listener for him.  He seemed lonesome.... Everyone worked all day which left him home alone.  He died unexpectedly between one of my visits a few months ago.  He died of pneumonia but really he died of a broken heart.  He told me it wasn't supposed to be this way. He was older than his wife by many years and was supposed to go first.  But he didn't and he was unhappy, so he left the planet.

Today I walked into the spare bedroom, the one he used to live in and noticed a medium sized cardboard box on the dresser.  I have no idea why but I peeked at the label for some reason other than being nosie ....  It said, Contents of box: Father:  L. Raymond Lacy.  I got the God bumps all over my arms and then I got the hair standing on neck and then I said, "M a r i a, come here, Dad is here!"  She looked at me like I meant a ghost of Dad was in the room which meant she was not coming in there.  I said, "No not the ghost, the bones!"  She said, "OMG."   There we both stood peering into the UPS cardboard box, then at the white box and the label that said in black type, "Father."   I said, Jeezers, How long they gonna leave Dad in the box? I mean where's the Urn?"   Even little critters and big dogs get a little Urn and get set on the Mantle.... I told Maria I knew he wasn't in there, yet he was.  I knew his spirit was sailing free from that box, yet there he was.....bones, skin, hair, eyelashes, and so on. Sittin right there in that box. Probably the Urn was inside the white box that was inside the UPS cardboard box. The same man I visited with every other week for several months. So be it.  It's not my Dad so I had to let it go and move on and remember the living Dad I used to visit and not the one in the box.
This isn't a very happy news story, but it's darn straight a fact! Eeewww..

Jamerica, Madison Wisconsin by Diane Ogden

So this is Martin!  Martin owns Jamerica, a resturant on Williamson Street in Madison,Wisconsin.  I have delivered a little Sustainable Times Newspaper, now magazine to Jamerica for several years....  one day in 2007 I walked into Jamerica and was greeted by Martin. (of course not knowing Martin was the owner) Martin smiled his huge smile showing twice as many beautiful pearly whites as I think I have ever seen.  Or maybe it was merely his genuine happy spirit I saw between that smile.  He said, "Awwhhh, lookie here, eets dah hoppie nuse laadie!" (Obviously I hope I am showing his deep Jamacian accent....)
Well from that day on I couldn't get those words out of my head.  I really was The Happy News Lady.  I really did find humor in all things.  I really did deliver that humor and that news to all I met.  Sooo....I put it on the side of my car.  Yup I did.  The Happy News Lady.  You see I had gone thru a very traumatic loss.  Of everything.  My business, my car, my savings, all security.  And there was this man saying I was The Happy News Lady!  So I decided to be just that and started a blog post called just that.  The Happy News Lady who finds humor in something every day.  Yet like most I have my days or months on the off side of life where I don't write anything funny or happy.  I will always return on the good side.  Being flashed by some idiot on the freeway, imagining things that seem real but aren't, using my own life stories as a joke which the whole darn thing has been.  Not sure who the heck I can blame for that except mawh!  I'd rather do the denial thingy and bless Martin for planting a seed within my mind that grew and allowed me to express my everything and  many thoughts"out there" for really no one to see, but for me to "get it out."  I did not blog to make money.  If I had I would have done my fun numerology....  I blogged for me. And I thank Martin for his happiness of spirit.  I wish to be someone who greets others with such joy of heart and face like Martin does.....  "Aawwhh loookie here, eet's dah Hoopie Nuse Ladie."   Yes it is ......

Sometimes God / the Universe sends us each a Martin with a message.  Martin's message just might reach more than me through me.  God bless Martin Deacon! He already blessed his business for sure!
Go ahead and Google Jamerica!  And there you will find Martin Deacon who moved here from Jamaca and stayed. Martin could have moved anywhere and stayed.  He said the people of Madison Wisconsin are happy people, but me, I think it's Martin who is the happy person that makes each of his days a good day to be alive.  And I think Madison is very lucky to have this person and his specialty food and personality.

Hot Guy at the DMV by Diane Ogden

OK so I haven't seen a hot guy (man) for a long......time.  But this one was.  I recently purchased a used new car for my daughter, put it in my name for insurance purposes, (hopefully no one will read this and turn me in) therefore I am sitting at the DMV filling out the proper paperwork for plates and then paying some jerk sales tax and walking out.  That is after taking a NUMBER, thank God not imprinted on my forehead yet or chipped inside my body under my flesh, which I hope I die first and don't come back to this planet again until its straightened out and its over all this crap, which may never be! Back to my point....  I have my number which is I808, my papers filled out properly I pray, and my little library book in my pocket listening to a mystery novel, when in walks Mr. Gorgeous "ass," who sits down directly across from my plastic seat with my paper number laying on my old working clothes lap.  Uh huh, truth.  He had to be gay or french!  I think French.  The last Frenchman I "came " cross was on a beach in Florida.  One of my only life encounters than could have been dangerous but wasn't and is a good memory.  A stranger who walked up to me on a beach in Florida, introduced himself, asked if he could give me a massage, of which I gave an affirmative, of which was something I NEVER did or would consider, but I did!  And omg....need I say more.
Probably, but some of my friends read this so I needn't say more for now.  Back to my point.  There he sat, Mr. Frenchman masseuse, wearing a flipping black barre.  God I cant spell Berra...you know one of those flat backwards hats.  God I sound like a hick...  Ok back to my point.  I haven't had this happen for a  long time. I was insecure, wishing, wondering, thinking, making cool faces just in case he was looking at me.  By the way, he wore very nice jeans, a nice shirt, jacket, socks, and omg shoes. I always check out the shoes.  They were the European  long dong shoes.  Ok sorry about the dong thing but my mind was cruising.  A gold watch, a class ring, a diamond ring, and less wrinkles than I have.  While listening to my book on tape which I probably missed most of, I was trying not to look at him. Trying not to guess his age, trying to look cool by making those faces I know look best on me. When I got out to my car I double checked some of those faces in my rear view mirror and I must have looked like an idiot, or a woman trying to make cool faces for him. Bet he's seen this before.  Shitsky! All the time sneaking peeks at him noticing he laughed and he yawned and I could see he didn't have many fillings in his teeth...hummm had me beat on that one too.  Made me mad I didn't have nice clothes on and my rings and watch on.  That I hadn't gotten my mini face lift at $3,000, but gave that money away to needy kids. ha. Made me self conscious that the eye glasses I just got are tinted a bit too dark in the yellow/brown area so I look like I have liver issues. Shitsky! Then there are my black socks I prayed didn't show any dog hair that may have decided to travel with me from my house.  Add the $5 on sale Wal Mart (China) pants I had on that I wore to work...hey, I had a Ralph Lauren shirt on but not the push up bra, rather the Ah Hah one. You know the flat sleeper one. Add to this, I have a bump on my nose so I tried not to turn sideways, then I tried to have the God look, the squinty cute sweet eyes...You know that one, that look?  I hope I never see him again because he probably knew exactly what I was doing.  Trying to look better than I look, trying to hide the wrinkles of stress and mere aging.  Then I realized he probably had a skinny wiener so I left him at the DMV all alone with my facial expression memories.  He probably blogged about the woman he sat across at the Department of Motor Vehicles that he was sure was trying to impress him in every way possible.  What a compliment he said!  He is right. He was a compliment to the entire room and to me. Thank You Mr. French.  You stood out among the all....the Spanish, the Orientals and all the rest of the almost hundred people sitting waiting for their number to be called.  He could call my number anytime.  Make my day....you did Mr. French, you did.  Thanks for the memory.