The Happy News for Today....by Diane Ogden

The world did not end
The cat that ate my roses today did not die
or......throw up
My car is running like a good time piece
I am upright and speaking clearly
I did not get to watch a shooting from road rage today out on Hiway M, just almost
I have food
I do not live in Joplin, Missouri where the horrible tornado killed many
I am not related to Bin Ladin
My Father is alive at 85
I am on no medications at my glorious age
I am not fat (well, a little)
I have a bed to sleep in tonight
I just filled my tank with gas and had some cash left for a coffee
My novel is being edited (next published!)
Oprah would be proud of my little gratitude list....  screw O...., no I mean phooeey Oprah....(she could kill the deficit so of course she is grateful. )I didn't mean it when I said the screw thingy!  That is 60's talk still in my head from the 60's of course.  I bet Oprah says screw her cook every day!  I heard a comedian say Oprah has enough $ to have someone standing there slapping food out of her hand daily. True.  I don't have enough money to have bad fattening sick food slapped outta my hand daily so that be the reason for the 7 lb gain blogpost a few days  back. Where or where can I find a slapper?? duh.  I rather ride my exercise bike thank you...been there done that slapped thing. No thank you......and thank GOD I learned that one early in the scheme of life.  See, that is good news.  Bye Oprah.

I have lived through Johnny Carson, Oprah and God all in one lifetime. Oh shitski I forgot Elvis. What more could I ask for?  Nothing because there "ain't" time for no more unless I live to be 100 (0) and can still understand TV or whatever they will call it next. Not so sure I wanna live that long just to have the above little list.  But then when my novel sells I will lengthen my list and desire to live longer.  Now that is good news Charlie.  Who's Charlie?  Could be Charlie Brown, could be my first X Charlie the slapper...we call him Chuck the F__!  The good news is he's dead so it's OK.
More good news.....this blog is over.

Babies First Printed Material! by Diane Ogden

Today was my second babysitting lovey session with the newest Grand.  What a great time we had except for a few little fussy times mostly because Nana didn't know all the baby signal signs.  At one point we were trying to get her to sleep when in reality all her signals meant, "I am hungry!"  I am patting and rubbing and holding the pacifier in and then I asked if anyone had any flash cards.  No one in the room had any.  So I grabbed the paper jacket of my latest book purchase and held it up for her to view.  I thought the pretty colors would distract her from fussing. It did. Then I realized the first piece of printed material my sweet little Grand baby saw in life was "Does the Noise in My Head Bother You? by Steven Tyler (My twin from a previous life as if I haven't said that before!)  It was then I broke out laughing as did the other two people in the room.  OMG.....one said, "She may have nightmares, or maybe she will be rock star!"  Oh dear, what have I done? I have introduced her to Steven Tyler right out of the shoot almost!  On the positive side she will be her true self and never hide from life and I will pray the negatives away. I did get her classical music, does that make a difference?

Is That a Burka in Your Pocket? by Diane Ogden

"Is that a Burka in your pocket or are you just trying to control me?"
I am a woman who "used" to be more respectful of men then I am today.  But then the world is supposed to end today so I do not have to work on this later in life cynical brain thought I have gotten from "God" knows where. (really, ya think from God NOT!)  Probably from the culprits themselves. Men that is. Just like anything, some good, some bad, some just there.

There would be one in particular I am discussing and not from any cynical part of my beautiful brain.  This  would be, George. We will call him to protect the innocent, that being the wife relaying what I am using in this little bitty not so newsworthy blog post information site.

George!  George! George!  Who taught you?  Where are you from?  And its not even close to Mars.... You George are a grump.  You George are a passive aggressive hunka hunka burning un-love.  You George drive a brand new SUV and your wife drives a 13 year old Buick and you bitch if she wants new carpet in it.  George!  And George, you never say nice things to her, in fact you say ugly things to your wife George.  You yell at her George if she withdraws $50 from the bank once a month.  You hide whiskey under your under ware in your closet in your den George!  I saw it George!  Then you fall down and break your crown George!  You don't like the birds because the bird food costs money.  I'm surprised you purchase food for your wife George.  No wonder she loves the dog more!  There are two of you and she picked the best one. Dog that is. You tell her every day how the money is going to run out.  Really George, really, come on...the money is not going to run out unless the world ends today or next week.  You have money George...you are merely a miser, a grump, and could stand to go to Miss Manners school for crotch-ity old men! You almost died a couple times George, obviously you didn't get to see the big white light that held instructions for some.  Nope. Cause there's still a Burka next to the bottle in your bedroom buddy!

What can I say good about you George?  You walk the dog.  You do give wife a credit card. And you do help the offspring. That's not bad if you could just keep that nasty tongue under control. Guess that could go for everyone who uses the tongue incorrectly huh? (Not me of course)  Well maybe your not so bad after all George.  You worked hard all your life, you have retired with much cash flow, you have health insurance, you are alive, at least for six more hours, and you do walk the dog and maybe even take out the garbage. But just in case you are mean to your wife again I have advised your wife to inform you this:

 IF I cared, I'd draw you a map of your a** with an X marking the spot where your head is buried...I never underestimate the predictability of your stupidity & immaturity at best...I'm starting to think it can't be the Head-Up-A** Syndrome, because there's got to be more oxygen & more light up even the oldest fattest a** than could account for such rampant & long-lasting abnegation of me!  So honey, stop it! Love Esther

The Birds are Back 2011 by Diane Ogden

It was one year ago this week that I posted on this blog, all about the birds on my porch.  Well they are back and its not the sweet little finches, or the stately Robins.  It's the nasty mean swallows.  I even put this huge ugly owl out there to deter any bird activity.
The cats cannot go out (the porch has a baby net all around it so they can enjoy the outdoors)because the birds are going crazy and scaring them as well as the noise is unreal. I considered digging the ear plugs out of the jewelry box where they are stored for whatever reason.  Last year I called the office and the maintenance man came and "murdered" the Mother in her nest ON MOTHER'S DAY no less, not to mention left the corpse there to this day.  I certainly didn't ask for that.  I also entered the porch decorating contest of which I cannot do now.  I am being attacked. I shall paint a sign that reads, "Shit Island!" Because they are doing just that all over my outdoor porch carpet. Cant   go sit in the sunshine and read my new book by my twin from another life, Steven Tyler!  What would he do? He would sing and scream at them and they would leave.  Me, I am hiding and not wanting to murder another Mother in case the babies have been born.  This morning I could not sleep due to all the racket directly outside my bedroom window.  I have to close my windows now too???    Murder might be in order.  I must be getting used to murder, because after writing all the reasons why a couple small nasty mean birds shouldn't be allowed to take over this large section of my life, I think I am getting it.It always took me too long to "get it."  I was willing to share, just not this                       much.  And they aren't even thankful. They are mean.  I do not care what the animal totem is trying to tell me.  For once I am not going to analyze.  Because I already did it right here.  Nothing funny about this today.  Except that one Happy News Lady has allowed The Birds to get the best of her.  Consider that over.  

"Isn't That the Pits!" by Diane Ogden

Life can sock it to us sometimes placing us in what I call "shit pits!"  My mentor always says she'd rather be in the clouds and stay up there where its fresh and pure than ever be in the shit pits.  Have you ever been inside a REAL outhouse?  It reeks of the above (shit) only its below.  Below where life puts us sometimes.
This would have nothing to do with cherry pits, or prune pits, or olive or avocado etc....pits.,  I am referring to real life shit pits. Cancer shit pits, other sickness pits, sadness pits, hunger pits, war pits, politics pits, Schwarzenegger pits, Jesse James type created pits. The pit I am experiencing is a lack of sleep pit due to some sort of weird pain in my kidney area.  Don't think its a stone. Don't think its an intercession for my Father who is 85 and having a kidney removed if he survives the first heart surgery!  Wish it were.  Whatever it is I'd rather be higher up in the fresh air than what feels like the underseat of that outhouse.  It'll be ok.  We all have our "Ups and Downs."  Even The Happy News Lady.  
And the happy news for today is you have learned what it really means when someone says, "Isn't that the pits?"  They are referring to shit which is waste material and not much good for anything or anyone at least they haven't found a use for it yet. (that I am aware of) I have no use for it anyway....unless it would cure any of the above such as illness's or curing spermanators like Schwarzenegger men, but rather I tend to lean on the thought that it is the label placed on all of the above negatives of life.  I know all about outhouses....in reality from my Grandparents old farm, my parents old farm, as well as the trials of life I try to find humor in.

Elegance..... by Diane Ogden

I am going to buy this!  Why not?  Maybe because it has a train humm.  Cant you just picture it:  An 8 x 10 glossy of me walking around my living area with a train on my robe dragging behind me?
My cats would love it without a doubt, in fact they would destroy it within a week...  yes they have nails.  And there is no one to look at me in it except me and the animals.  I could go get the mail in it I suppose.  Or I could take the dog out and let it drag around on the cement and the grass.  Heck I could wear that to the store.  Dragging it through the isles cleaning the floors...little children would even stare.
Not to mention folks with any sense at all.  Some might think I had been to a wedding.  Some would think I was going out to a ball.  Others would just stare in disbelief and awe.  Maybe I would add a hat, nah.  What sort of shoes would I add to my robe ensemble? Can you picture me pushing a luggy stainless steel cart in this gorgeous thang. All I would need to finish it off would be what's his name??  That guy that does butter commercials now. The one with the long hair on the cover of Romance novels. No I don't read those, Yes maybe I should so I wouldn't have these outlandish purchasing ideas. What is his name?  F A B I O!  eeewww.  Maybe I wont buy it after all.  I cant see it happening.  Wont go with the car wash or the store or walking the dog or much of anything really.  I could hang it on the wall...  I really wanted this, it's so me without the Fabio butter guy.  Actually I am into the Ford Man now.  Not so sure he would go for this either.  Unless I took it off of course.  Guess I don't need it no matter how hard I try to have it.
And I really am not a person who requires so much attention.  Although some is nice.

We Rescued the Baby Robin from the Nasty Blackbird! by Diane Ogden

Jay taking baby birdie back to her nest!
While several LARGE Robins dove him!










Run Jay Run!!!

Cats in ready mode!I woke this morning expecting a wonderful restful day as I do each and every day. This was the day I accidentally ate a few drops of the awful blue laundry detergent left on my counter where I make my toast. Nuff said!  But I continued on with my day eating extra food to pass the detergent without issue.  I belched a lot today!   Just as I was about to sit in my nice happy chair and read some of Steven Tyler's latest and only book I heard a terrible ruckace outside, went to the window to see a horrible site.  A huge blackbird killing either a Mother Robin or one of the babies.  I said, "Oh you bad bird!" (duh) Then the lady upstairs started stomping on her deck to try to scare bad black bird away along with I would say twelve other Robins who came to rescue their bird in distress.  I have noticed after living here for many years how the birds have a special language and ways of helping their own.  The Robins are a very kind bird as are the Finches in our area...the swallows not so much! Back to my story.  The pack of "Robin Hood Robins" did chase the nasty huge blackbird away but there was a repercussion.  That would be one child Robin on my deck flopping about. She was not harmed but was unable to fly enough to get over the railing. I suspect pure adrenalin and instinct to live got her from the dangerous tree out front to my deck whereas her sibling ended up blackbird dinner.  Ordinarily I would call 911. Just kidding sort of.  You see I cannot touch bird or mice for whatever reason. Just cant!  So I begin the search for humane humans to help the baby Robin.   I called the emergency animal number, no go! I called Doug, my friend's tough retired colonel who isn't a baby bird man!  I tried two others who cant touch mice or birds either.  And then, whalla!  Patty and Jay upstairs in #207!  They came down ready with gloves.  Patty , being an animal whisperer lady talked gently to birdie, picked her up as she squawked like she was dying vs being saved, which got the Robin Hood Robins blood pressures up out by the tree of which we didn't notice until birdie was transferred to Jay by Patty outside the deck and over to the tree and into the nest!  Suddenly there were many large Robins who didn't know Jay was the savior rather he must have looked like a large blackbird because they starting making a ruckace and diving on him ....Run Jay Run!!!   And so it goes... ALSWELL as my license plate says. Sometimes its a lie, but this time its truth.  ALSWELL as this ended well.