Cyst on Eyelid Removal by Diane Ogden

Catchy title huh?  NOT!  For the past ten or twenty years I have had this little wort like looking thing on my eyelid.  Then it suddenly grew last year so I stopped into the eye clinic last week at the urging of my optometrist.  I walked in, said my name is Diane and I am scared.  The young boy-man behind the desk said, "OK, Diane (scared) what?" At which time I gave him my last name.  He asked me why I was there. I brought my head closer toward his as I pointed to the wort like cystie thing and said, "I'm scared."  He tried to assure me I would be fine. I told him about my recent cataract surgery and that I had begged my optometrist to remove it then.  She said, "No, go downstairs to Dr. so and so!"  So I am here and scared.  He again tried to reassure me.  I then said, "Hey, I am having a colonoscopy in September, ya think the doc might wander over there and snip it while I'm out!"  OK so that got a laugh but a no go.  It was then I realized I would have to go through the process I went through TODAY.  They laid me down on a chair similar to a dental office lounger, put a needle into my eyelid that felt like a bad bee sting.  Then I felt her cut it off! Then she burned it and I felt that too much so another bee sting shot in the eyelid. OMG I am having a blast.  Then done. The doctor said no one had ever done what I did during the procedure. I said, "What?"  They told me and then I remembered I said, "uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, and a hundred more uh huh's until she was done.  I told her that was my version of Yoga, hummmmmm.  It took my mind away from visualizing what she was doing.  I could see the needle in my brainmind, I could see the scalpel in my brainmind, I could see the woodburning do da day that in my brainmind looked like what my brother used to burn pictures into wood with!!  Oh Lordie. The worst of it all was the smell of burning skin! First of all it was like a witches wort on my nose, then smoke and burning skin! I think I am now free of at least one life curse! Oh, they told me it would throb badly, then bleed for sure. To keep ice on it all night.  I didn't have ANY of that! None!  See the curse be gone Fred..... whose Fred? 

LuLu's Left the Building.....by Diane Ogden

LuLu being the third in a line of three animals that reside with me in an apartment.  LuLu being a cat that belongs to my daughter and that I inherited when she/they moved in and then only she left back out.  When she brought LuLu home as a kitten way back when she also lived here....that being three years ago.  Since then LuLu who I wanted to name Sophie because my cat is named Lucy!  In short which this is seeming long, basically I had two cats for several months named LuLu and Lucy when the daughter moved out this last time.  LuLu tortured my sofa, my Nana's antique red velvet 30 button tufted loveseat, two covered chairs, and two very expensive rugs, with her extremely sharp nails.  LuLu would wake me up at 6:30 a.m. every morning clawing my large Flexsteel Wing Back chair in my bedroom.  I would sit up and holler, yes holler, L U L U STOP IT!!! And she would run like the big wind.

Yet the damage was already done 100 times.  Then she went away. Today.  I received a phone call from one of the little girls where she used to live and is now living again who told me she has missed her so much.  Katie told me LuLu was very happy. She was licking my daughters leg which I suspect means "thank you for bringing me to my real home in cat language."  Now if we did that to whoever we wished to say a thank you to ....eewww.  But we don't and the LuLu's of the world do, and it is precious.  I am so happy LuLu is back home with her family.  But now I need all new furniture.

 She will miss lounging out on my porch with Lucy every day.  I put up a child's net all around the rod iron and neither one of them have figured out they can jump over it and out into the yard. Interesting.  My daughter came the other day and asked LuLu if she wanted to come home.  Ordinarily LuLu is a very sassy cat but this time she licked my daughters hand and made a precious soft sound.  We both knew LuLu was trying to communicate her answer.  So today LuLu left the building as I stated in the above paragraph, and that my friends is good news for my furniture.  She is home with two young girls she adores and sleeps with and her Mama Lindsay and new baby Karli and Daddy Derek!  Yeah for me...Peace is slowly returning to my humble abode.  Fun Fun Fun 'til your Daddy takes your T-bird awa-a-a-a-yy!  I don't have a T-bird so I am fine as frogs hair until the next call from jail for bail.  Just kidding of course. I hope.

Jail Bail by Diane Ogden

Considering I was up most of last night it is a miracle I am able to keep my pretty browns open long enough 

to write this little tale of horror.   

It all started twenty two years ago when my Grand Daughter was
born.  She was the cutest little thing, even funny, then she grew up and is still funny and can sing like a bird or Christina Aguilara. She is also very pretty. Only problem is she has OCD. We all do to some degree. You know Optimal Cursed Dumbness when it comes to being quiet when things don't go just right.  OK its Obsessive Compulsive Disorder where she cant let go of a subject.  When she gets angry its harder for her to let up and relax.  Sometimes that causes fighting.  Oh yeh!  Its a form of low lifer behavior and she knows it.  This time it came back and bit her in her derier big time.  We are talking
 A R R E S T E D! Hello Geronimo! She was taken away in handcuffs that left marks that lasted into the next day. She wasn't allowed to even get a pair of shoes.  Had no undies on, no bra, and believe me this girl needs one at all times.  It was "Let's hang out at the jail."  She discovered officers who are not the nice helpful kind of policeman on the corner directing traffic and helping little old ladies across the street.  She wore an Orange, yes I said Orange jumpsuit that said, Columbia County Jail on the back, and it didn't smell so well.  She was in a holding area where one fellow was coochie coo-ing her which scared her to tears. He was behind bars so she was safe.
I do wish she would take up cooking, cleaning, and parks and recreation

vs obsessive thoughts on how others do not do things perfectly or even acceptable.  Poor thing truly has the medical OCD.
I think she will be fine.  
But the jail bail paying machine isn't fine.  If you do not have correct change that means you have to leave the premises and go find a convenience (now I know why they are called that) store to get you more money and do not forget the service charge Almighty!  Back I go and when I arrive I am trying to help an older gentleman who was just going to stick forty dollars in it without typing who it is for.  So there I am helping again, duh, but the letter A kept sticking until the old fellow said a few choice words and left.  Poor kid waiting for is canteen $.  All that was wrong is the screen was dirty.  But then those donut eating fellows with the shiny gold badges find it hard to waddle out into the entry to wipe a 14 inch screen off.  In fact they found it difficult to do much I noticed.
They messed up and forgot to key in my information, which meant my bail money wont come back to me, but rather go to the Grand D! What else do they have to do on a Saturday morn.  I watched. Nothing, I say. Nothing much. 
They finally let the poor girl out of the Jail House to which point she began shaking and crying. I do not blame her.  Bad place, Oh yes! Me, I just need sleep now. Good peaceful sleep with no calls from any jail or hospital or highway.  Now I only have one day left before a new week of hard labor.  Maybe the Grand D should get the hard labor huh?  Anybody looking fer Grand D?  Yup, her Nana D is.

It's Dead in the Drink! by Diane Ogden

Can you see that bug in my glass of whatever?  Can you see it?  It is a Nat!  A nasty Nat! It has wings, and eyes and guts and it is dead in my drink!  When things pass away don't they loose their bowels and  poop? OMG!  On my ice cubes in my drink after a long week of  stuff!  Stuff being my college word by the way.  The blessed stupid bug was drawn to MY drink and why?  Is that just life and evolution?  Long week folks.....then working on the porch so I can win the 2011 contest we have every year here at the good old apartment place complex I live at instead of a houseey-house.  When checking facebook most of my "friends" have houseey-houses of which they take pictures of and show off (it's OK, I would too) their birds and flowers and ponds and so on's.... Me, I got a porch. A 13 x 6 foot outside res-i-dencey.  You darn right it gets dense trying to find space for a lifetime of gardening sense and interior design.  I double check with my daughter to make sure I am not Granny-fying the "Porch" before judging day! God forbid should I put too much out there trying to win a lousy $50.00.  You know overkill could kill the whole darn project.  Too many bird cages and doo da days would kill it! Just kidding I know better, I think. 

As for this dead bug with wings and guts and innards I don't wish to think on ... I removed him or her from my drink and, well, I disposed of him / her.  Not my fault the stupido jumped into the sweet water.  I only hope it is a healthy little one and  doesn't carry diseases because after I disposed of it I drank the drink!  Kool-aide, Jonesboro! (google it)  OMG I cant help it, I live by association, you all know that.  Well I do but not the point of really believing that Nat is poisonous.  Nope, just a little poop on the ice cube maybe, eeeww, or the Nat had too much "Stuff" to deal with all week and overdosed on my drink!   Just kidding I wiped the ice cube off with a paper towel after I sprayed it with antibacterial gel.  If you believe that I have more to say tomorrow.   I'll try Yoga next week.

It's All Started at 2:45 p.m. by Diane Ogden

You all know all about the yearly Pepsi, I mean Papsy exam!  My regular doctor is as tall as the tops of my knees in those stirrups.  And I don't mean the kind you use when riding a horse.  My regular doctor is so short he doesn't need a stool to complete the exam.  He is also as wide as he is tall among other irregularities and I don't mean mine.  So I chose to go back to the office of the doctors who delivered a couple of my brood of children.  They OBGYNer's.  Sounds like a the cheering section for some coal miners.  A N Y W A Y as Ellen DG says....Ms. P.A. was very thorough, meaning we talked a long time. She asked if I had any STD's, you know Sexually transmitted diseases.  I said, "Only if you can get it from the cat or dog licking your leg."  She said, "Oh no I mean in the past?"  I said, "Who cares about the past, they'd be gone by now anyway lady!"   I was starting to wonder if the short fat guy wouldn't have been easier. Then I find out she is a P.A. not a doctor who has been out of the country for a year in Canada, decided to come back and is having to re learn the entire computer system. Don't you just wonder what happened in Canada?  She left the room with a little cotton swab, came back and told me I had a little infection.  Sweet. I asked what the plan was and she told me I could go either way.  I said, "Huh?"   She meant I could get medication and swallow it or use it on the other end.  I chose. You don't need to know.  She made me so nervous because she was so nervous. Then came the slammer. She said it was time for the "SLAMMOGRAM."  We walked out to the desk to set up the appointment which I stated had to be late in the day.  Then quietly I mumbled, "Sure I get there at the end of the day when the technician is sick of being there and feels mean!"  One lady in the back started laughing really hard but no one else did.  Hey, its the truth. If that technician is pee weed off at her hubbs or boyfriend your mammories are going to get an extra smush just for him!

  Then I leave. Get to Hell's Gates (WalMart where they have the $4 pharmacy plan) They tell me my insurance doesn't cover the fix all for my doo da day! $40 please but go shop for 30 minutes then it be ready. I came back with only one pair of Rider jeans one size larger than last years. Wonderful!  The pic up pharmacist read me the rules. Here's what he said, "SIDE EFFECTS: Dizziness, headache, nausea, diarrhea, unusual taste in the mouth, stomach cramps, or vaginal itching/burning/discharge may occur, fainting, painful urination, tingling or numbness of the hands and feet, seizures, signs of another infection, fever, persistent sore throat), mental/mood changes, (I need more of that yah!) depression), rash, itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat), severe dizziness, trouble breathing. This is not a complete list of possible side effects.  Soo I looked at Mr. Pic Up Pharmacist and said, "No Thank You!" I'll find another way hey! 

I walked out of Hell's Gates Wal Mart with my Rider Jeans and a new mascara knowing I will live, without the above!  Probably had powdered asphalt from China in it anyway.  
P.S.
Miss P.A. wants to give me estrogen creme for the other end!  I told her if there was any way it would reach my FACE, then YOU BETCHA give me that prescrip NOW!  Otherwise, nah...

Ready For Freddie! by Diane Ogden

This here person is my usually gorgeous neighbor who is showing me how to defend myself should an intruder ever enter my apartment.  She finds it hilarious that I use that particular knife as my extra "DEAD" bolt by placing said knife between the cheap door molding and the door itself.  Yup, full knowing that if anyone chose to come in and visit negatively they could push that molding and the six little nails holding it, right off the wall and my trusty, dull by the way, knife would fall to the floor bloodless!  I have other pictures of her laughing as she shows me how to save myself with a dull knife.  Looks good though doesn't it?  Wanna see one of her funny pics? OK OK! Naw forget it!

Prayer in a Loop.....by Diane Ogden

Have you ever prayed in a loop?  That's praying in a continual circle never ending.

Sometimes from the beginning to the end back to the beginning.  Sometimes not "thinking" there was an answer. 
Then suddenly days, weeks, months, years later....there's the answer.
Wish it were easier, but then nothing is!