Good Cop Bad Cop.....by Diane Ogden

Today started out in hell and then went deeper into darker hell.  I do not like to complain, but come on, hell is hell and who wouldn't complain about it.  I surely wont say, "Oh hell is wonderful and getting better." Or, "being is hell is quite the challenge and will make me a better person, and help me grow!"  S H U T U P!  No I don't like hell.  It's a chit pit!  The young girl that works with me goes with young boy who decided to live in jerksville today. (he lives there everyday!)  He takes her car, her phone, her $ and then calls my cell phone FORTY FIVE TIMES in an hour, texts it 19 times, leaves five messages with sounds of him banging his head or her phone, not sure which, but I can only hope, on the dash. He broke her windshield and threatened to do away with his human self.  Could we be so lucky. Okay Okay, I know...everyone deserves to live. (NOT so much.) This human person had me so upset my entire body was shaking.  I decided he needed to be turned in for harassment as I could not get him to stop and it was heading for 11:00 a.m.  I said to self and co worker:  Children are in hospitals, people are sick and dying, others need food, and this little piss ant is bombing my SMART phone that isn't smart enough to stop him.  So I call the PO-LICE!  Then his Mama who doesn't like him so much either, then I went to a Po-lice station I was so upset.  Is it legal to upset someone like that?  Guess so.

When I got there no one was home at the cop shop entrance office.......................  then an officer came out and asked me if I needed help, I said, "YES,"  just as my phone rang and it was the other officer so the first officer thought I was ignoring him and left the building.  What if I had needed help? And I did.  Then a very large lady officer came into the area with a very large police dog. I told her about the first and second officer asking me if I needed help and I said yes and then he left the building.  So she went and got a 100 year old white haired lady receptionist who came out five minutes later and  asked me my name and address.  Told me to sit, they would call for someone to come.  It took another half hour and then this officer, about my age came in to talk to me.  Then the deeper part of hell started.  He told me to "be quiet!" ( I was relaying the mornings events for Cops-sake!)  Nope no go.  Then I decided it was humor time.  He made a joke and I laughed and thanked him for making this easier. SHUT UP, I used reverse psych 101 doi.  Turns out the other officer went to little jerk boys home and told him to stop calling my smart phone that isn't smart enough to stop him itself.  Then the two bad cops talked on the walkie talkie like microphone on channel 8 and called me "subject 17!"   The entire situation was a total joke.  This young punk harassed me until my whole body was shaking.  He broke a windshield, was on drugs, was driving erratic, threatening himself and others, said he was going to kill himself and god knows who else on the hiway, bombed my phone with texts, calls, and messages....but told the officer this was all because he and his girlfriend got into a fight before work.  And that is how they left it!  Told me not to get involved.  R U Kidding me?  I asked if I could press harassment charges?  The old fellow told me nothing he could do would make this young man a decent person.  I said, "No, but it will show him he cannot legally do this to me, an innocent person, ever again."  But old bad cop just keep talking until I quit and left the building.  And they get paid for that.  The last few years I have had of po-lice interaction has been like this.  Very much hell, not help.  Only one little alphabetical letter (l vs p)  sure can mean a lot, huh?
I do not keep people in my life like this.  I don't hang out in chit pits! (like I was forced to today) I should sue the men in blue.  I left my mops to go see the cops. I turned him in, he's a piece of sin.
What was the good, he found out he could. I got stuck, by a smuck! Bad cops didn't stop, bad boy coy.  The Happy News for the day is:  I have the ability to move myself away from that chit pit and I will.  And I will bring happier news tomorrow.

Lost My Smart Phone....... by Diane Ogden

So this isn't my mouth, but its close, minus a couple wrinkly dinkos around the edges.  I was at J.C. Penney this evening as part of my end of day errands when suddenly I realized I could not find one of my body parts... that would be my cell phone that I have discovered is definitely part of me.  Too much a part in fact. Also while at the world of mall I became hungry.  Got purchased a piece of pizza with spinach on it and what I thought was mushrooms turned out to be those other things, you know, anchovies....eeewwww! And then to top this eve off I discover I walked all about asking people if they'd seen my phone with green spinach stuck in my pearly's. That piece of spinach and I talked to a multitude of folks all over the place.  It wasn't until I readied for bed that I noticed the hunk of green between my teeth.  Not only that, but I remembered this day as the day I married one of the husbands!  There were bound to be disturbances in the atmosphere for me considering ...... And then....my loaner phone rings!  Its mummie dearest.  Someone has called her and told her they found her # on a cell phone they found at the J.C. Penney's....  whalla, my phone is on its way home. That means I have to wait for the new phone to arrive in the mail from the insurance claim I filled out with spinach in my teeth. Then hurry and call somebody to say its all OK, stop the pro-cess!  Drive to UPS or FedEx and send new phone back, drive to US Cellular and have loaner shut down and old phone reactivated...Call to get $100 deductible returned before my car insurance gets taken out of the depleted account...for the not lost smart phone.  If the darned thing was so smart why couldn't they (the phone gods) find it?  I asked them that. I told them I have that find me if I'm lost app.  You know the app that can find me if some gorgeous hunk of love steels me. (duh) Or a robber person to be more exact. The other was wishful thinking.  Cell folks said I don't have that app.  Well chit! But then the good news of the day is I found the phone connected to my body brain and bones that shouldn't have been lost anyway.  Lapse in momentary sense caused down then back up results.  Just an inconvenience is all.  Even though when I got into the Buick without my phone I went directly into trucker talk......yet.....it all worked out.  Isn't that just life?  What did I have to do besides this anyway?  I got my shower, I had dinner, took the dog out....met some people that probably will be telling about the lady with the green spinach between her teeth for at least a few hours!  God I 'm glad they don't know my name.  Glad it's not on YouTube. Glad there is a tomorrow with brushed white pearls and $100 back in the insurance account just in case I wreck on one of the other marriage anniversary dates in the year.  (Won't happen, just kiddin')  Please pray??

Love a Dove, Love a Dove......or Two by Diane Ogden

I was in the middle of walking the dog this early morning when ten feet ahead of me lands a beautiful healthy dove. Then right behind that dove another one lands and there they sit! They just look at me! So I stop walking, pick up "doggie do little," and stare back, all the time thinking/wondering why they landed in front of me and didn't move for some time. They gave me such peace all the while cars are passing, people jogging on the other side of the street, noise from the highway. But for the doves and me, there was a sacred, peaceful moment in time.
I guess the Universe knows I have been introduced to the Animals Speak book by Ted Andrews that tells what it means when certain animals come in front of your person!  It is usually for a reason.  Even bats and skunks!

I woke up early today with some "stinkin' thinkin'" going on.  You know, the old "what is it all for?"  What is it all about anyway? What are we here for? To just work and then die?  Oh yeah, stinkin' thinkin' for surely!  Stopping life wasn't an option so I made my lunch and proceeded out the door with the infamous half Chihuahua half Pomeranian gremlin looking dog for her morning poddie poo. That is when it happened.  The doves landed. And they were trying to tell me this: And this is copied directly from the book: Although its song is heard all the day, it seems more distinct at dawn and dusk. These are the "between times" in which there is a thinning of the veils between the physical and the spiritual worlds, the past and the future. The song of this totem (animal) tells you to mourn what has passed, but awaken to the promise of the future. It is the bird of prophecy and can help you see what you can give birth to in your life. The dove is actually a smaller copy of  the now extinct messenger pigeon.
I would say I was sent a message by the beautiful pair of morning doves telling me I was born for a reason and it "aint" over yet.
 

Mashed Potatoes! by Diane Ogden

So I called Grandpa (dad) to see if he got food for dinner so he can sleep!  He told me Grandma (mother) made a big dinner with baked potatoes and he was happy!
Man!! one (daughter) never knows what to believe or act on.... The Happy News for Today is Papa Grandpa, age 86, got his potatoes! And can sleep....Which he lives for as a farmer!  Jeezers and Shheessh!
Nite

photo from:  www.happyhints.com

The Obituary.... by Diane Ogden

So my father is 86 now.  He has been a healthy man most of his life with the exception of a kidney stone.  Why his incision appeared as though they were cutting him off at the waist. Of course this was several decades ago.  Then he has a bowel obstruction which caused gangrene and he lived through that also.  Now at 86 he had open heart surgery to repair and replace a valve so he could withstand the kidney they have to remove (due to cancer) this month.  This all being said, he asked me to write his obituary.  Sshhheeesshh!  yet....I answered in the affirmative and with all the maturity I could muster saying, (Without the Tara Southern drawl) "Why of course Father, whatever you wish Father."  Then when I got out in my Buick I screamed....nnnnooooooo, I don't want to write an obituary for a living man, my father.  But I did.  You see he wants to see if I miss anything cool he has done in life.  Pretty sure I missed a couple things, but hit the high points for sure.  It is now ready for his "viewing!"  (Isn't that a pun?) Today he is upset because Mother is refusing to cook for him anymore.  He told me he cant sleep well because his belly isn't full.  They get meals on wheels at noon and mother eats the other half for dinner, where as dad makes himself a sandwich.  I recommended he buy some mashed potatoes at his favorite diner and munch on them all week BEFORE BED!  I told him when the other sibling asks him if things are going well and he says yes after I have told them NO, it makes me look bad and places me in the middle.  So...where to go from here?  He wants to go to a nursing home where they like him.  Hey, I married the first creeper that came along to get away from "home" thinking the creeper liked me.  O well let by goners be by goners they say. Anyway he died and moved on to other places where he can con other peoples or spirits. Or who knows he may have actually lived long enough to have learned something this round.

Back to Father.  I wrote a very lovely obituary.  Sounds like mortuary or contrary.  I did not say one word about the whippings or never taking me to the doctor when I couldn't breath, nope none of that stuff cause by goners are by goners by Godly!  And sometimes Father's do try to make up for their parenting mistakes as the years pass of which this Father has truly done.  Nobody is a perfect parent and some are less perfect than others but usually before their end times, they can stop working and sit down and think and remember and regret and sometimes even say I am sorry.  Mine didn't say anything, but he did other nice things.  Now look, he is lacking in food and for sure love.  He is such a jolly fellow.  Not to Mother I guess.  They are on that same merry-go-round wheel Esther and the Colonel are on.  Fighting, nastiness, sarcasms, meanness and apparently false starvation...mean nothing positive on this earth! Their just pissin' in the wind!  Wasted energy! Negative breeding ground! Of course he does need to get enough food.  Guess I will take him some mashed potatoes next time I go to the funny farm.  He is going into a kidney removal surgery with some very negative mental feelings in ten days.  After 86 years on earth working very hard .....I see that as very sad.  But The Happy News for today is:  He still has time. (for me to get those potatoes to the funny farm in time) 

Esther and The Colonel (she hates blue)......by Diane Ogden

Esther called me today.  I answered with the standard "hello."  All I heard on the other end was, "O - M - G!  Esther had verbalized each letter very clearly and distinctly.  I immediately said, "What, what's going on Esther?"  That is when she started talking and didn't stop for twenty minutes easy does it.  The Colonel had gone out and purchased them a new broom.  Not any broom mind you, a BLUE broom, because he knows Esther hates blue.  Her Mother loved blue and Esther has no fond memories of her mother, only her father. 
Esther and the Colonel live and ride life on a circle.  Like one of those rides at the corner park where you run and get it going and then jump on for the spin.  I forgot the name of that dingy thing.  I should rather say dizzy thing.  I never liked it and still have not so fond memories of it.  Anyway...that is how Esther and the Colonel live, like they are on that mini merry-go-round that isn't so merry!  And no one is willing to jump off and stop the dizziness.  So they fight passively with blue broom type deals.  Heck, the Colonel is so good at this game he buys everything blue he can find.  Blue blankets, blue can openers, blue coffee makers of which Esther returns with a vigor.  Blue shorts, blue shirts, blue socks, blue rags, and he even bought himself a blue car once. He writes Esther notes on the easy erase  board with bold blue marker! When he ordered Pizza he demands it delivered in a blue box. After the car purchase incident I thought Esther was going to die, but I told her she couldn't. She has to outlive him or he will put her in a blue dress, with blue hair, in a blue coffin, with blue flowers on top. That being said, Esther sat down and drew the floor plans for her new home when the Colonel leaves this wonderful earth and life without Esther.  Yup she's ready freddie. Now its just a waitin game.  She shakes and he drinks.  Yet on occasions they go out for dinner, they meet friends in happy places, and they have family over, and they have me over too.  I guess raising her three daughters, Hester, Cherrie, Cherrie's daughter Lexus, and Ramos, make that four......he is womaned out.  Can you imagine?  As for the coffins... not going there...I was just jokin cause what you give you get in return and I do not nor are I ready for a blue coffin! The happy news of the day is the Colonel is quiet, in his cave, watching the TV and resting for the next round with Esther and the girls.

This Month at Crazy Island by Diane Ogden

I call my complex "Happy Hollow," my neighbor calls it "Crazy Island."  The sign out front used to say "Luxury Apartments" until the maintenance guy was instructed to figure out how to stop the front yard from being called "chit island" by the tenants, considering this is the dog building.  So he wenteth out and purchased two VERY LARGE plastic (which retains odors) garbage receptacle's and placed  those big BLACK hunks of smell at the front door entrance which I thought was beyond brilliant, not! And another at the North and South entrances. On hot summer days it is so pleasant when someone opens said black plastic large "chit can" to deposit a little green bag of doo doo. Again NOT!  All one hundred thousand other doo doo's from other dogs comes rushing out of the container and into the air floating over into my apartment or the neighbors depending on the direction of the wind!   Refreshing? Luxury?  And they are not emptied daily or even weekly. That is only the beginning of my happy "tails" of this place.  It is managed by a man who also manages the lowest most crime ridden complex in the city, meaning he treats us luxury tenants like the folks from the lowest end of town with the high crime lights in their yards. We don't have high crime lights we have dog fodder! There is/are no maintenance staff on call at this site.  I cant tell you how many times the fire alarms have gone off in the middle of the night.  It looks like the humane society on strike out front.  Dogs and owners in robes and some less than robes thinking the darn place is going up in smoke all segregated on the front sidewalks with flashlights.  Imagine what those over sized black cans of poop would smell like on fire.  Some of you have imagined the old days when you put a sack of poop on someones porch, lit it on fire and rang the doorbell, then ran like the wind.  Same song, different era.  There was never any fire, just lack of maintenance is all.  I went out into the hall to check for smoke and by Godly if it weren't pitch blackness.  Only ONE of the eight emergency fire lights was working. ONE! Again, maintenance not doing their monthly battery checks for at least ten years. That would be 12 months per year times ten years equals.....120 months now that I have a new battery in my calculator. 
Six months ago they found out the office girl was stealing $.  Yup, she got "away with" six figures...$35,000 of it was my hard earned money.  Turns out it was for drugs. BUT, the manager, knowing he would lose his job brought his accountant wife in and the two of them spent at least two weeks 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, playing cover up machines in the dim lit luxury office.  Then....they called in the men in blue who gave it to the detectives in blue who gave it to the auditors who couldn't find what happened.  Imagine that?  The old boy has been working with the low side of town so long its rubbed off on his ars and moved to his brain.  I still cant believe she got away with it.  P.S.  Hester, Esther's daughter worked here in the office but is being ejected due to her noggin issues.  More on that later as its bigger than the poop receptacles and almost as bad.  The happy news from "crazy island or happy hollow" today is that I think they fixed the underground garage door opener so we can get out now and go to work. But the humongous ginormous chit cans are still sitting downwind!