Grandma Tillie Fly's off the Wall Again.....by Diane Ogden

My Grandmother Mathilda Mae Heiny Jungbluth is special to me and I am to her. By the way she be dead. I have a photo of her and Pa, a black and white glossy that has flown off the wall in my bedroom twice in my life just when I was about to make a really bad decision.  She was doing her best to STOP me, but I was young and did not realize her intention.  I did think it very spooky the first time it fell off its nail perch with no cause and effect going on.  No one jumping or humping on the bed, no wind gales coming thru the window.  And no one vacuuming or dusting for cobwebs accidentally did it.  Nope....she did it. 
The three instances have occurred over a forty year period of time and wouldn't you know it she struck again this evening. 
I have had an extremely difficult two months with stress levels to the moon where she obviously was perched and took notice.  I realize this card I made with her photo on it isn't as heavy as a framed glossy but....it has sat there for months and never fell off the shelf it resides on across from "me" bed.  Tonight I was in the "rest room" (why its called that I don't know) and when I came out there she lay right in my pathway....  I said to myself....oh crud now what?  It has to be good grannie cause I am up to my brows in chit lately.  I sure hope she lets me know what it is I am not supposed to do.  Oh, could it be, leave my livelihood (job) and put the cat and dog in the car with kitty litter and hit the road  ( don't forget the laptop) for as far as my gas tank will go!  God wouldn't that just be a gas.  Puns, I love em.  I don't want to die or anything nutz like that. I just want something besides work and taking the dog out to pee, and more work, and taking the dog out to pee, and getting groceries and washing the car and so on.  Oh I am grateful for all the working and being able to take the dog out to pee.  Heck I am grateful I can still pee. On my own that is.  And I don't live in Iran or Iraq or Syria, those poor peoples. Yet still....Grannie is trying to tell me something along with the pigeon (dove) that flew directly at me, when I was taking the dog out to pee.  So close over my head the dog got scared and jumped on my leg to pic her up. And when I turned quickly to see where it went it was GONE.  Oh yes I said GONE!   Pigeons or doves coming before you means you need to make your home more family-ish... okay it really means to huddle with your family as there will be safety adn security in that activity.  Oh my god you have to be kidding me.... What am I missing?
hummm, sort of the opposite of driving AWAY as far as the gas tank will go huh?  Which is only 300 miles max with my car.  So that means I could end up north almost to Marinette, Wisconsin, or East into Lake Michigan, or South to Centrailia, Ill. Or West to some god forsaken place in Iowa.  No wonder Grannie is telling me to knock it off and settle in.  It is what is is, it is what I have been dealt, so deal.  (Chit, I really wanted to get away, but I suppose a planned vacation would make more sense. YA THINK?)  okay okay I wont run away this time.

A Cat Hair Pillow....... by Diane Ogden

This is NOT my keyboard.  And do not try this at home rather check with the professionals.  These people took the guts out of their keyboard before putting it through the dishwasher.  Oh yes they did!~

They decided against the Q-Tip hi-way and took the direct Interstate wash.  Me, I used the Eureka hose which still took quite some time to suck all the white cat hair out from under the keys.  It just kept coming and coming like a long string from the circus clowns suit.  I was embarrassed even though no one was looking.  And I hope no one ever finds out - doi.  Hey I love my cat and I would hope if I shed some hair no one that loved me would care.

I would have never thought to check my keyboard if I had not run smack into a clients cat hair keyboard on the job. It took me a half hour to suck all that hair out, think about that. Thirty minutes at sixty seconds a minute. Do the math, to get all that long red cat hair out of his keyboard. That is when I went directly home and began sucking out the pounds of hair locked in and under my laptop keys. I was really scared the keys were going to get sucked up too..... but they didn't.


 I wish to say I thought maybe I could make a soft pillow out of all that cat hair stuck in keyboards all around the world.  eewww.  There must  be a way to clean it like they do other animal hair...and it is soft and cushy and still eeewww. Hey don't diss me, check out the woman that does art portraits with dryer lint!  People all over the county send it to her in different colors.  I'll stick with synthetic stuffing thanks anyway.  p.s.  My keyboard is now clean. Is yours?  Laptops really shouldn't be put in the dishwasher.  I know that!

p.p.s.  My dad, you know? Jack Nickolson?  He wont eat at my house cause he thinks ONE stray hair could get into his food.  Just imagine if he ever say someones "cat hair keyboard."

Match.com by Diane Ogden

My sister-in-law told me to join match.com so I did.  She once told me to get a job selling insurance, so I did.  And I was very successful.  She tells me all the time that I am not in charge. Her Dad tells her that so she passes it onto me. Not sure why, she is the bossy one having been in charge of a car dealership she owned for some twenty years.  Back to match.com. So I fill out the questionnaire.  I answer all the questions as truthfully as I can without scaring anyone off and I submit 9 photos.  The main photo is me with  my hair in rollers.  I just had to do it.  If the prospective man could handle that, the good pics were only a click away.  And so they did, click away that is.  I have met up with one fellow, certainly not a "gentle-man" as he asked me what I would like and I said, "Ice Tea," which after two hours I never rec'd.  No manners!  I almost forgot, one of the first things he said to me was, "Do you have to wear those glasses?"  Need I say more. And he wanted me to go snow shoe-ing in the woods.  I could borrow his sisters snow shoes.  Seriously?  No thank you... If I couldn't get ice tea out of him, I am liable not to get back out of that woods with any help what-so-ever.  And fishing?  Nope, he should have friends by now, men friends that like to be quiet and watch a string hang in the water for hours.  Me, I would be working on my 25,000 woman words a day and scaring the fish away!  Next guy never stopped talking about the roller photo.  He just didn't understand that.
He said I must not like adoration.  Yes I looked it up.  After ten emails and it was still under discussion, I deleted the "pretty boy."

I haven't given up, but so far 85% of them want a slender, athletic body toned woman.  Yet they look like they are about to deliver.  Twins that is.  Men!  They just don't care about what's under the boob....its all about the boobs.  I am not fat, and I have boobs along with a heart under one of 'em that will continue to look for a nice fellow that will go fishing without me.  I 'm just not that into it.  And the more I think about it, I might not be that into this match.com either.  Sorry sister-in-law, this is like too much work.  I already had my quota I think.  But I am keeping the $40 a month match.com charge door open just in case.

Kissing My Mops! by Diane Ogden

What does the Superbowl and mops have in common? The Superbowl just ended and the whoever's won.. Obviously I am not a football woman.  Although I do appreciate the talent but not the cash paid for the talent.  A little over the top ya think?  Sca-millions for a game?  When so much pain exists world-wide. But I get it even though the balance is off.  The magnetic field of humanity must be screaming.  Showing it's head in other ways on our planet.  OK so it was the Giant's that won. 
Me, I noticed how those football players were kissing that football trophy.  It was a football made out of something??  Glass, Silver, not sure.  I suddenly realized I should get an award too.  What would it be?  A mop?  I have a green cleaning business so it should be a mop huh?  Should I kiss it?  Eeww.  But it is what feeds me and my dog and cat...so if I won an award of a mop for being the best mopper and it was made out of silver or glass, heck yes I would kiss it!  It's not like kiss my mop!  It's like "Kiss my Silver best Mop that says I did GOOD!"   I would kiss it youbetchyourbippy...   I have no idea what a bippy is, do you?
Go fetch the eggs from the coop?  Just a joke saying only hicks don't know what a bippy is......  I admit it. Okay I think its your ars....  read between the mispelling.  You win!

The Spirit of Tula......by Diane Ogden

I swear to God this is true.....
I was cleaning at one of my clients homes today where one of my favorite dogs passed away two weeks ago, one day after our last cleaning. Tula is/ was her name.  She loved my treats and would run outside to meet me every two weeks so excited for those treats.  Tula had advanced luekemia. Today I sensed her in the kitchen as I was cleaning the stove.  She was begging me for a treat. How can I explain to you that I saw and sensed her in the spirit right next to me. I said, "Tula, I know you want a treat but you wont be able to eat it......your in the spirit now."  But she continued.  I told her I didn't bring any treats in with me but I would see if her mama and papa still had some for her.  I went to the pantry as she followed me and sure enough there was a bag of small treats still sitting on the shelf.  I opened the bag and took one small round treat and handed it to my invisible friend Tula. I said, "Now don't bite me, be gentle!" Like I always said to her at which time I dropped it to the floor and walked back to the stove which is about seven feet away, to continue my cleaning process.  I did begin to pray for Tula asking the Universe to help her cross over yet I did tell her she was welcome to stay as long as she wanted and felt comfortable doing so.  Then I just got busy. About a half an hour had passed at which time I was cleaning the sink when I obliviously looked over toward that side of the kitchen where I had dropped the treat AND IT WAS GONE!!!!!  On every body's grave everywhere in the world I swear to every one's God!  I called my helper Libby downstairs to see if she had come into the kitchen and picked it up and maybe I didn't see her.  (Impossible, I would have seen her) She said no she had not and in fact she was finished vacuuming the downstairs a long time ago.  I told Libby what had happened and we both stood there staring at the floor where the treat used to be.  Now unless my clients have a rat for a pet hidden somewhere, Tula showed me she was just fine and by eating that treat she thanked me for all the past years of blessing her with good treats. 
Libby and I had God or Goose-bumps all over our bodies as well as the hairs on our arms was standing at attention to Tula.  I went to the pantry to get another treat in great hopes Tula  would show Libby her latest trick, yet all the time knowing nothing would happen this time.  Tula had exited the building.  I could no longer sense her presence. 
I do not know how to "make" anyone believe me.  I just know it happened.  I saw it with my own eyes.  Bless Tula for uplifting my faith in the here-after and for coming to say goodbye to me.  Her small gesture meant so much.  Small being a worldly bad choice of words for this HUGE miracle.  I have never seen a manifestation so vividly offered to me from the spirit.  Thanks Tula and have a wonderful life playing in the pure white snow and getting the best treats ever in your new world. 

My Blog since 2007.....by Diane Ogden

I haven't written any posts for two months.  I used to love writing about the funny things I would see in our world.  Then one day a family member told me that I would never have a good life until I stopped writing this blog.  Me?  Humm.  Then shortly after that I was told by a different family member that they never wanted to see me again in their life!  Me?  I thought.  Was it anything to do with my blog?  I guess it wasn't but it was one of the worse things that ever happened to me ever.  Because I love that person and always will.  And no it wasn't a husband.  I am rather glad they are all gone forever.  And that again has nothing to do with my blog but it definitely has something to do with my life being and getting better.   As for the people that said such hurtful things to me....   I truly hope as they grow and evolve they will come to understand how life really works.  And, there are books and CD's and movies and all sort of ways to learn without being hateful and putting others down. There are even "SHRINKS" called psychologist who could help them.   And my little blog really won't make that much difference in the end. 
Me, I am going to start back finding all the humor in life's journey that I can....  and going  to blog it!

                                  

Jack Nickolson ......by Diane Ogden

Okay so this isn't Jack Nickolson but it sure is a look a liker!  This would be my Dad Joe....  Who had just been wheeled into recovery from having cancer removed from his bladder.  Yes they got it all!  My mother and I had responded to the little black box with the beeper on it that beeped and told us to get on back to the waiting room for the doctors visit.  Then they took us back to see Dad and when we rounded the corner to the open cubicle where they herd the patients in and out like milkers in the barn, this is the view we laid our eyes upon first!  "JACK!"  

I said, "Dad, hold that look."  And I grabbed my camera.  Of course Dad doesn't remember a thing and still days later has not seen this wonderful rendition of his first moments awake after cancer surgery.
He may still look like this considering he has to have the catheter in until tomorrow.  Mother says he likes the fact he doesn't have to get up in the middle of the night three times to podie!  He has a built-in Depends that he can depend on, at least one more day.  Dad is 86 and still beating the odds the surgeon says.