One Hot Guy Passed Me By!.........by Diane Ogden

This may be a rerun but it happened today and it was so funny I laughed at myself!  I was leaving a clients home close to lunchtime heading for the next client when this hotjogger rounded the counter, (ha I wish I had him on a counter) I meant corner.  He was almost naked, unlike the one in the photo I stole from google images online from..........

April 2007 Archives

insidesocal.com

Back to the almost naked hot jogger.  He came around the corner, and I about dropped the greasy Frito I was stuffing into my mouth along with a large bite of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Pictuer that 8 x 10 black and white glossy of the stuffing face as I simultaneously drive past him in the old Buick with my hair skinned back in a ponytail.  Don't say tail at that moment!  I am of the age, the only way I'll ever "get/receive/have" a hot man body like that.......I'll have to pay big bucks for it!  Then I'd have to buy a full body SPANX suit and a pair of scissors.  Use your imagination, or not. 
I have not read 50 Shades of Grey/Gray, but I suspect she stole it from my mind.  Excuses, excuses.

It's okay, I'm over it, it only stayed in my brain a few minutes.  Anyway, I have four sons around that age and that just ain't normal so......  forget I said anything.  The Happy News is that it brought to my mind a few good old memories.  You know, back seats, under trees in a park, on a boat, kitchen table, bathroom counter, elevator, just kidding on the elevator one, in the pool, in a tent, a semi, (sorry I lost a bet once) top of the dryer, while doing dishes, in a motel, and once or a hundred times a thousand hundred, at home.  So the hot jogger "done" a good deed.  I still love the Ford Man, Mike Rowe!  If he came jogging around the corner I would offer him some Frito's!  Until the next tawdry tale Be Happy, Be Safe, Be Well, and get rich so you can buy a new SUV, get a face lift, butt lift, boob job, or just buy SPANX and some scissors.  Crude  huh?   Guess my mind just took off to places it hadn't visited for some time.  I'll get back to normal unless two hot half naked joggers pass me tomorrow.  Don't even go there! 

Ogdenheimers! by Diane Ogden

I do not know who Mr. Alt Heimers is but I don't like him much.  I don't think I have his namesake disease.  And I wish I knew "For Pete Sake" so he could help me get rid of the other namesake issues.  Okay okay I probably don't have the heimers thing but some days it seems like it. What did you say?  Which way do I turn?  Where did I put that? What's his number?  Left or right?  At least I remember there is a left or right!   Besides I keep asking God to take away the bad memories which I have decided to stop doing considering that is when I started forgetting things.  Surely the heimers isn't how he will take my bad memories right?  That is backasswards.  God is good, heimers is bad.  I got it now.  Boy whoever stole my movie The Secret better get their KARMA checked cause it's causing me problems which means they be due next due to their thieving my movie.  I have to have positive input daily. If not I could end up the little old happy lady in the nurse home (dying mill) with the stuffed animals all over and the Christmas lites around the curtain rods and don't forget my princess crown! I better run get that movie tomorrow.  No time to read so I have to do audio and visual.  Maybe I have the wisenheimers disease.   Seems I recall my dad calling me a weisenheimer when I was a kid. I looked it up: omg! Someone always making feeble wisecracks, who laughs at his/her own jokes and is generally deserving of severe and painful punishment. LOL I don't think daddydogood knew it meant that.  I hope not.

 It must be German, but then so mush Mr. Alt Heimers be.  He also called me dumbkopf (Webster says it's a good looking guy, with the brains of a potato!)and Shyster is derived from the German term scheisser, meaning literally “one who defecates!) Awwh gross! No wonder my confidence levels are sooo high and I have memories that need stifling.

The Happy News for today is that I am not a Shyster, nor am I a Dumbkopf, and I pray I don't have the Mr. Alt Heimers scheisser!  So until next time,  "Sichere Reise," Sichere Nun, and Sichere uberglucklich, and just in case......"Sich bereichern!"

My Little "Chit" Island......by Diane Ogden

Allow me to introduce you all to my little shitty dog Gracie Allen Ogden. 6 lbs.

 I found her at the humane society in late 2007.  Make note how many years ago this was.  Also make note she is a rescue dog who has turned me into a human being who now needs rescuing also.  I have taken her outside several times a day all these years.  I finally started using poddie pads for the in between times.  You see she will go outside and poddie and poo, yet if she has to go in the meantime she does.  Diarrhea is a real treat.  So I started gating her in my bedroom when I was at work eight hours a day more or less so at least it was contained and I spread poddie pads out.  Sometimes she uses them and other times she goes right next to them.  She cannot be crated as she screams with anxiety.  She cannot be put into a travel bag because she screams like a dying hyena.  And then so do I.  I hired a trainer.  That stopped the screaming when nail clipping.  Bottom line is I live on Shit Island.  Not poddie pad paradise. Nope, the other one. 

Sooo today I felt guilty.  I do guilt really well being raised at the funny farm. I pull it out when I need it and use it well.  I do try to remember God doesn't do guilt.  Well God doesn't live on Shit Island either.  Maybe that is the problem. I need to call on God. I will try that.  So back to my point.

  Today I felt guilty so I put up the two large pieces of plywood I found in the dumpster room (no one should throw good wood away) and I use it as a cheap gate to keep Gracie Allen Ogden from peeing and pooing in the sun room.  Look at the photo of Living Room:  In the living area I laid out a piece of long carpet, (DO CHECK OUT THE LONG LOG and SHORT LOG OF POOP next to the fake green plant) I also laid down a fan, pillows, and a baby gate thinking it would detour her sorry little pooping paradise.  And what do I come home to?  See that lil turd in photo way up top?That almost hit my laptop cord? And see the long nasty turds NEXT to the piece of extra carpeting put down so she would use that if in fact she did the deed as I previously stated.  See where guilt gets you?  I felt bad leaving her in that bedroom again.  Notnomore!  I don't take her to doggie day care because she doesn't like dogs.  She likes people and should be a greeter at a store somewhere.  But she adores me and I cannot give her away.  (What if I had a man that adored me yet pooed on the floor, guess that 's diff) I have threatened her verbally which seems to make her better for a while.  Until such time as I can figure out a different plan, I live on "Shit Island,"  a very nice luxury apartment.  Well it used to be.  It doesn't smell bad when I walk in.  But then they say you cant smell your own and she's mine for the long haul.  Can you imagine if I found a man friend with this mess going on?  OMG! Its awful what a person can get used to.  (Hey I clean it up!)  What's my Happy News of the day?  I didn't give up. 

So Be Well, Be Happy, Be Safe, and get rich so you can get new carpet if you need it.  Get it? 

I Lost My Lunch!...........by Diane Ogden

We had just left the house overlooking my lunchbox in photo below, when I saw a perfectly good wicker chair in the trash a few houses down.  One of my workers ran down to it, checked it out, and sat down in it making sure it was worthy of taking home.  As you can see it was.  No I do not have an SUV or a V-A-N or a Truck, I have a Buick.  Yup, a Buick my mother gave me.  FREE is good. Payments suck so I suck it up and drive the beast around.  Actually it is a decent car. It does not know I am a Lexus person and I wont be telling it for fear it will take a large dumpola on me.  Back to my point.  I should have video taped my two helpers trying to get that chair first in the back seat and next in the front seat.  We had all but given up when the mailman came passing by.  Bless his handlebar mustache and jolly face.  He looked over the situation and gave one line of advice that worked and whalla!  It was in.  But when I got it home what a joke that was pulling it out.  Sounds like a bad line from a bad movie.

I buckled up and away I went to the next client. And as I passed the mailman and we both did a thumbs up as he saw the beastly wicker chair in the front seat.  It wasn't ten minutes later when I was backtracking that same street after I discovered my peanut butter and low sugar jelly sandwich was GONE!  And there he was.  The jolly handlebar mustached postman was waving.  I stopped and inquired as to whether he saw the lime green lunchbox anywhere.  He affirmed he has seen something fly off the top of my Buick and he thinks it is laying on the tree line back yonder.  I thanked him once again, drove a block of two and there she was sitting all alone in the dirt.  I should find a man like that.  Two problems solved in less than an hour.  What a guy.  Only problem is he isn't here and I have to prime, duck tape, and paint that classy wicker piece.  Maybe I'll give it to mummie dearest for Mother's Day for the old homestead I was incarcerated at for about ten years of my teenage years, I call the funny farm.  I already got her a rooster with a chipped tail. Don't worry I'll fix it because she "be" a perfectionist.  No duck tape on the rooster and the stuff on the chair will be painted.  If she complains (its a given) I will re load it into the Buick and bring it back home.  Or not.
That's my Happy News for today.  I found some good garbage.  Be Safe, Be Well, Be Happy, and don't get even, get rich. 

Olay's Monkey Facial Hair Remover....by Diane Ogden

Okay so sometimes I get a little dramatic!  I have a little peach fuzz so I picked up the Olay hair removal kit and let it sit on my bathroom counter for a month or two scared of it.   Today something pushed me to use it whereas I discovered I should be scared of it.  I put the balm on to protect my skin like it said. Then I put the white creme on.  The creme that MELTS HAIR!  OMG it melts hair.  And of course the photo of me is a facial mask, not hair melting creme.  That would really be drama huh? Well I am finished and it worked pretty good.  I find I actually like the balm best. Made my skin all soft. Or maybe it was the monkey  hair that came off on the wash cloth (LOL, not) that made my skin so smooth and hairy-less. 

I will say that crap smelled like the old AMMONIA permanents we got as kids.  Its gotta be bad for a person.  That monkey hair better not grow back very fast because I wont be putting that Oven Cleaner stuff on my skin too terribly many more times in me life!  And I don't wear a bikini anymore nor do I have a man/friend so I wont be putting the dreadful melting lotion anywhere near my "kitty."  And if and when I decide to go to the neighborhood bar and pic up a fellow, which isn't likely to happen, I will spread on the magic monkey hair removal creme everywhere.  Until then, I am happy.  And I wish you the same.  Be Happy, Be Well, Be Safe, and wear something pretty sometimes so you feel rich.  

Lorna Doones......by Diane Ogden

So I have loved Lorna Doone's since I was like three!  Or sooner!  For several years I gave up on the little darlin's because I thought they had lactose in them and obviously I am lactose intolerant.  Not long ago I discovered I could once again enjoy the fat ass little shortbread squares called Lorna Doones.  I take six of them to work every day.  I work hard so I can.  I even married  a guy with the nick name "Dooner."  See told ya!  Dooner and I didn't work out so maybe that should have told me I should have stayed away from the Doones shortbread, and married the oreo dude.  Two weeks ago I purchased a box of the lil darlin's for $2.79 at the same grocery store as usual.  This week I went and at the checkout noticed I was just about to pay $4.49 for that same box of two packages inside the box of Lorna Donner's.  I said to the FOREIGN girl checking me out and taking my jobs and the life I have always known in America, AWAY (shortly, as I type). I said to said person, "WHAT, $4.49 for the Lorna Doones?  S H U T U P, No seriously Jane from India or Pakistan, or Turkey.....  $4.49?"   I asked her if her name was "Jane."   It's a commercial about people from India answering all our phone calls, nevermind.  So she double checked the price and said, "Yup, $4.49." I about did what I did when I had the flu last week.  But that wouldn't be so Lorna Lovely therefore I will be giving up the Doones like I did the first husband Dooner.  $4.49 x 4.3 per monthly = $19.31 cents a month for shortbread.  Nope, Nadda, No more!  Now if they raise the price of  a Margarita, I will pay it!  But Nabisco, your out, you went tooooo far.  It's not gas you know.  And if I had a place to store a horse and feed it, or if I weren't too darn old to ride a bike I would give up gas too. 

The Happy News for today is that in one week when the last box of Lorna Doones is consumed, I will lose weight.  Cool.  Until then, Be Happy, Be Safe, Be Well, and by whatevermethodslegal, Get Rich...and Loose the Doone's they shouldn't cost that much.  It just ain't normal.  It's a tad of flour, fake butter, sugar, baking soda.  All cheap, especially when you hire foreign people to work the cookie line.  I am not

 prejudice, just pissed.  Photo is Twin Grands and mwah!  They don't do the doones, that is why all the smiles.  They do Nutello!  That no good for nothin chocolate spread with two nuts in them to make them appear better for you and the Grands.  Nite

"The Coon and I" .....by Diane Ogden

I realize this is not a very clear photo but, and I say a big but! But I used the ZOOM-ola on my phone considering Mr. Coon was way too close when I exited a clients home to retrieve something from my car.
In fact "she" was directly across the street in a yard looking into my eyes.  At that moment I was trying to recollect from my minds memory if I ever learned how fast a raccoon can run.  Me, I know how fast I can run, just not sure which one of us is faster.
I had seen her earlier when I arrived and contacted animal control.  Animal control is like the P0-lice!  They had to get everything but my measurements.  Name, phone number, address.  Just come get the critter duhwad.  Then after I called I was sorry.  I got to thinking that raccoons usually only come out at night so maybe she is extra hungry because its spring and she has wee ones.  And I would be responsible for her being taken away and abandoning her wee ones.  OMG now what?  She was roaming from house to house, garbage can to garbage can, then walking up the street in broad daylight! Just then my phone rang and it was the animal control po-lice.  They told me they spoke to "Nancy" at the address I gave them (across the street from my clients)  And "Nancy" said the raccoon has been around for about the past three weeks not harming anyone or anything.  I mean, they reported to me the results of their investigation which consisted of Nancy.  Now I live in a large city of 250,000 people plus.  I am giggling at the small town results yet very glad "Nancy" saved the mama coon from my sending the Animal Po-lice for her.
Next time I will google it before I turn any coons in.  My Grandad is probably rollin over on his cloud.  He was a naturist.  Is that word?  You get it.  Dont cut down any trees and dont hurt the animals.  He may have killed a few people, but never an animal.  Just kidding.  Hey he told me he rode with Poncho Via across Texas. He was a cowboy but Poncho Via??  Now you know where I get  my storytellin from.  He was a Morrison from the Delavan, Wisconsin area.  Maybe I will tell you more about the old man next time.  Interesting fella he was.