Hilary Clinton Look Alike.........by Diane Ogden

So the lighting wasn't the best.  The glasses weren't quite right.  The cheeks weren't puffy enough, but my Hilary Clinton look alike makeover wasn't too bad and was spontaneously fun after watching her on national news tonight. 
Here's the deal.  I actually like her and believe her heart is in all she does.  I also see and hear that she is tired just like us normal not as rich or famous folks.  I also see she has reached an age where she doesn't care and has stated so on national TV, how she looks every day.  She said if she feels like pulling her hair back she will and so on.  See, I agree.  Not that its that attractive, but rather it works.
Sooo, guess what?  I posted this silly picture of my "Hilary Lookalike" on facebook.  Some may hiss, some may hack, some  may say hooey, some may honk if you like it, some may NOT, some might say HOT!  But I think it's funny so I did it.  Fun is funny. And if I don't lay off the food wagon I will really be able to post a lookalike.   Just glad I don't have to deal with China like she does. I only deal with China at Wal Mart, or as a friend of mine calls it, "Hells Gates!"  Bless her for all she has given for most of her life. Not China, Hilary! I am making fun of her while I make fun of myself.  After all, I am her and she is me because, we look alike JEEZ!  Not really, I just plastered my hair down and found an old pair of glasses and some RED lipstick HELLO mo jo.  Then I took a shower to get all the grease out so it puffed a little bit anyway.  Maybe I should write her and give her some shampooing advice.  Actually that is what probably prompted the TV comments.....as she stated.  So leave her alone. And I will too. And until I find something else happy or funny,  Be Safe, Be Happy, Be Well, and Get Rich so you can get your hair shampooed on command and have a cook like OPRAH, well maybe not....so you can stay in shape while saving the world which we all have a part in.  Nite 

Lunch With the "Funny Farmers"......by Diane Ogden

Yup, I gave in today.  Had lunch with the parents who I call mummy dearest and the farmer.  These people live on a property I call the funny farm.  Why?  W e e l l...cause real odd things can happen there.  No not spooky weird but maybe a little mental give or take a few missing cells.  They don't have Internet yet so I am safe until such time as they do and then I will run for the delete button.  We get to the little diner and take forever to figure out what we want because in between the menu pages mummy dearest notices there are two large posters missing from the opposite wall.  Back to the menu, then back to the missing posters of Marilyn Monroe and James Dean.  She said Dad doesn't like James Dean anyway like anyone cared especially the little waitress she is telling this to.  Waitress leaves, Poster Talk continues off and on the entire meal and onto the walk thru the restaurant and out the back door.  Get to that in a minute.  We order Reuben's that were wonderful but came very salty.  I suspect the chef salted the corned beef if you can imagine that.  I ate it and my legs look like tree stumps tonight thank you.  Mother asked several times into the air, that she wondered why they would take those posters down.  And where would they have put them. Oh yeah, gettin good now huh?  I told her they put up their own restaurant logo sign is why.  She took another bite and muffled how nice they looked up there and they should still be there. Where did they go? Meantime the farmer and I are exchanging eye verbiage called rolling of the eyes and to the left upward pupils and crooked little grins but never saying a word because we both know the consequences of stopping mummy in the middle of her amateur theatrics on any single subject.  She was on a roll and we let her roll for we do know better than not to.  Where was Marilyn and James?  I wanted to say DEAD that's where. Now could you please let them be dead in whatever closet or whoever they got sold or given to.  But that was only a mental dream I was experiencing while begging God to make her stop.  It gets worse.  We finish and pay and start the walk thru the restaurant to the back door.  All the waitresses are sitting at a table close to the back door counting their days tips.  Little stacks of money all over the table.  Mother says, and I just knew it was coming, "Say, do you girls know where the big pictures of Marilyn Monroe and who was that again Diane?"  I said, "James Dean Mother."  She continues, "Oh yes, I remember now, James Dean, your father doesn't like him anyway."  (I so wanted to say, Yup and he's effing dead mother so the chatter doesn't matter!!)The girls just stared at her saying they don't recall any pictures like that, except the ones over the rest room doors.  Mother said, "No they were really big and hung over there.'  The girls asked how long ago that was.   Mother said, " Oh several years ago I guess."   Me, I could have been embarrassed but decided not to be as I didn't talk for 45 minutes on the whereabouts of two posters missing within the last two years.  Why? Why Why?   What would that be called?  OCD, ADD, ADHD?  Least she isn't washing her hands over and over...she is talking about one subject over and over.  She finally quit when we got outside the door.  Amen.  I am giggling at this little episode because that is the typical funny farm "out to lunch" conversation.  So until I have any more silly, funny, happy, or unusual topics, Be Safe, Be Well, Be Happy, and Get Rich so you can take long vacations away from your funny families.  It makes it all so much easier.  And I pray it isn't hereditary.

"Fool Moon" People ....Tonite....by Diane Ogden

I left the house all the while forgetting today was a "Fool Moon" day and night.  "Fool Moon" nights bring  strange beings such as Wal Mart People will be sucked out from under all the Wal Mart rocks of America and beyond.  Close to zombievilleism. Stay home!  If not you will see things you never thought you were born to see.  I am not talking about people that show plumber butt when they bend over, nope, I am discussing the one that expose their entire butt. I am not talking about the average hick person, rather the 75 year old woman who does the terrible tans and baring her saggin abs at the grocery story. And I am not discussing the other odd folks with breasts and low baggies, rather the ones exposing their colostomy bags.  Oh yeah! You will say to yourself, oh my dear God what was that? Really, what was that??  Whatever that was it resembled road kill. That's the kind of night this is...Where are the crows, the buzzards??  Dinner awaits. Its safe only to stay at home and clean or watch TV until its over.  Until they all go back under their rocks.  As you can see from the photos I borrowed from the walmartpeople.com

 Soooo....until tomorrow Be Safe, Be Happy, Be Well, and stay home until this passes....

  Oh come on, one more for the road. This one from www.canutan.com

The Lil Rug.......by Diane Ogden

And this is the history of the HAIRPIECE!  I have had the thingy sitting on the keyboard for its photo shoot for twenty some years.  Of course I wash it, at least twice.  Why do I keep it?  Because it adds a tad bit of height to my crown.  No that is not a joke.. (The crown comes in the nurse home) I don't mean princess crown type duh.  I mean I wasn't born with a perfect shaped head. Sooo the little doo da day piece gives my head shape balance. Who cares? Mwah does.  I rec'd an email from my hairdresser asking me how the hairs was doin'?  That be because he colors it and it fades.  Turns out because I used some cheap shampoo which made the color fade....  So he GAVE me FREE some less fade color shampoo.  It did work 90% better.   In fact it faded just to the exact point that I could finally pull out my lil old piece and ponytail the rest. Whalla.....not that it took my look back twenty years of course.... only in the movies and airbrushing!  But it did make me feel better.  I think I need a wake up call.  It's over rover.   S H U T U P!  I am fine with my life changes.  Just wait til I take my lil old piece into my next hair appt.  He will freak out...or not.  I know he will.  Come on, a twenty year old hair piece!  Don't gasp I have some shirts with shoulder pads from the 80's.....their b a a a c c k k!  And they are stunning with their raggy look.  Okay, I  have nice dress ups too. I was looking at those two pics...humm I think my nose grew.
I tell you, until tomorrow, Be Well, Be Happy, Be Safe, and get rich so you can have a face lift and extension's.....or ??  Whatever your heart desires.  And if your a guy man and you actually read this....dont laugh....you could need a hairpiece too one day. Mine is for shaping, yours would be for real.

One Hot Guy Passed Me By!.........by Diane Ogden

This may be a rerun but it happened today and it was so funny I laughed at myself!  I was leaving a clients home close to lunchtime heading for the next client when this hotjogger rounded the counter, (ha I wish I had him on a counter) I meant corner.  He was almost naked, unlike the one in the photo I stole from google images online from..........

April 2007 Archives

insidesocal.com

Back to the almost naked hot jogger.  He came around the corner, and I about dropped the greasy Frito I was stuffing into my mouth along with a large bite of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Pictuer that 8 x 10 black and white glossy of the stuffing face as I simultaneously drive past him in the old Buick with my hair skinned back in a ponytail.  Don't say tail at that moment!  I am of the age, the only way I'll ever "get/receive/have" a hot man body like that.......I'll have to pay big bucks for it!  Then I'd have to buy a full body SPANX suit and a pair of scissors.  Use your imagination, or not. 
I have not read 50 Shades of Grey/Gray, but I suspect she stole it from my mind.  Excuses, excuses.

It's okay, I'm over it, it only stayed in my brain a few minutes.  Anyway, I have four sons around that age and that just ain't normal so......  forget I said anything.  The Happy News is that it brought to my mind a few good old memories.  You know, back seats, under trees in a park, on a boat, kitchen table, bathroom counter, elevator, just kidding on the elevator one, in the pool, in a tent, a semi, (sorry I lost a bet once) top of the dryer, while doing dishes, in a motel, and once or a hundred times a thousand hundred, at home.  So the hot jogger "done" a good deed.  I still love the Ford Man, Mike Rowe!  If he came jogging around the corner I would offer him some Frito's!  Until the next tawdry tale Be Happy, Be Safe, Be Well, and get rich so you can buy a new SUV, get a face lift, butt lift, boob job, or just buy SPANX and some scissors.  Crude  huh?   Guess my mind just took off to places it hadn't visited for some time.  I'll get back to normal unless two hot half naked joggers pass me tomorrow.  Don't even go there! 

Ogdenheimers! by Diane Ogden

I do not know who Mr. Alt Heimers is but I don't like him much.  I don't think I have his namesake disease.  And I wish I knew "For Pete Sake" so he could help me get rid of the other namesake issues.  Okay okay I probably don't have the heimers thing but some days it seems like it. What did you say?  Which way do I turn?  Where did I put that? What's his number?  Left or right?  At least I remember there is a left or right!   Besides I keep asking God to take away the bad memories which I have decided to stop doing considering that is when I started forgetting things.  Surely the heimers isn't how he will take my bad memories right?  That is backasswards.  God is good, heimers is bad.  I got it now.  Boy whoever stole my movie The Secret better get their KARMA checked cause it's causing me problems which means they be due next due to their thieving my movie.  I have to have positive input daily. If not I could end up the little old happy lady in the nurse home (dying mill) with the stuffed animals all over and the Christmas lites around the curtain rods and don't forget my princess crown! I better run get that movie tomorrow.  No time to read so I have to do audio and visual.  Maybe I have the wisenheimers disease.   Seems I recall my dad calling me a weisenheimer when I was a kid. I looked it up: omg! Someone always making feeble wisecracks, who laughs at his/her own jokes and is generally deserving of severe and painful punishment. LOL I don't think daddydogood knew it meant that.  I hope not.

 It must be German, but then so mush Mr. Alt Heimers be.  He also called me dumbkopf (Webster says it's a good looking guy, with the brains of a potato!)and Shyster is derived from the German term scheisser, meaning literally “one who defecates!) Awwh gross! No wonder my confidence levels are sooo high and I have memories that need stifling.

The Happy News for today is that I am not a Shyster, nor am I a Dumbkopf, and I pray I don't have the Mr. Alt Heimers scheisser!  So until next time,  "Sichere Reise," Sichere Nun, and Sichere uberglucklich, and just in case......"Sich bereichern!"

My Little "Chit" Island......by Diane Ogden

Allow me to introduce you all to my little shitty dog Gracie Allen Ogden. 6 lbs.

 I found her at the humane society in late 2007.  Make note how many years ago this was.  Also make note she is a rescue dog who has turned me into a human being who now needs rescuing also.  I have taken her outside several times a day all these years.  I finally started using poddie pads for the in between times.  You see she will go outside and poddie and poo, yet if she has to go in the meantime she does.  Diarrhea is a real treat.  So I started gating her in my bedroom when I was at work eight hours a day more or less so at least it was contained and I spread poddie pads out.  Sometimes she uses them and other times she goes right next to them.  She cannot be crated as she screams with anxiety.  She cannot be put into a travel bag because she screams like a dying hyena.  And then so do I.  I hired a trainer.  That stopped the screaming when nail clipping.  Bottom line is I live on Shit Island.  Not poddie pad paradise. Nope, the other one. 

Sooo today I felt guilty.  I do guilt really well being raised at the funny farm. I pull it out when I need it and use it well.  I do try to remember God doesn't do guilt.  Well God doesn't live on Shit Island either.  Maybe that is the problem. I need to call on God. I will try that.  So back to my point.

  Today I felt guilty so I put up the two large pieces of plywood I found in the dumpster room (no one should throw good wood away) and I use it as a cheap gate to keep Gracie Allen Ogden from peeing and pooing in the sun room.  Look at the photo of Living Room:  In the living area I laid out a piece of long carpet, (DO CHECK OUT THE LONG LOG and SHORT LOG OF POOP next to the fake green plant) I also laid down a fan, pillows, and a baby gate thinking it would detour her sorry little pooping paradise.  And what do I come home to?  See that lil turd in photo way up top?That almost hit my laptop cord? And see the long nasty turds NEXT to the piece of extra carpeting put down so she would use that if in fact she did the deed as I previously stated.  See where guilt gets you?  I felt bad leaving her in that bedroom again.  Notnomore!  I don't take her to doggie day care because she doesn't like dogs.  She likes people and should be a greeter at a store somewhere.  But she adores me and I cannot give her away.  (What if I had a man that adored me yet pooed on the floor, guess that 's diff) I have threatened her verbally which seems to make her better for a while.  Until such time as I can figure out a different plan, I live on "Shit Island,"  a very nice luxury apartment.  Well it used to be.  It doesn't smell bad when I walk in.  But then they say you cant smell your own and she's mine for the long haul.  Can you imagine if I found a man friend with this mess going on?  OMG! Its awful what a person can get used to.  (Hey I clean it up!)  What's my Happy News of the day?  I didn't give up. 

So Be Well, Be Happy, Be Safe, and get rich so you can get new carpet if you need it.  Get it?