A New Three Wheeler For Me.........by Diane Ogden

I am not really, in reality, for sure, not a Harley Woman! But....I got to thinking which I shouldn't do most of the time because my imagination goes to unreasonable places.  Like today.  Wait, listen......
I am obviously bored.  It's Mother's Day and if I had my druthers I would go test drive some of these trikes.  I realize I cant handle a two wheeled vehicle due to the fact they weigh a ton.  But hey, a three wheeler that balances itself unless hit by a mac truck.  I could pack in this place where I live and leave with the wind blowing my hair unless I wear a helmet which I might not.  I would put my 6 lb. Chihuahua/Pom in a box behind me and head for Texas.  Or maybe just Edgerton at first.  (Edgerton being a tiny town twenty miles away)  I hate bugs and from what I have seen they don't make the windshield tall enough.  Not sure about the "reach" for the handlebars on the neck vertebra's either.  I would have to have a TV mounted to the side of the shield for my soap opera and HGTV and of course Junk Gypsies.  I wonder if I would have to fight those other Harley women!  I am so not a fighter. Tattoo? Maybe!  And I would like to make some pit stops in those sleazy to half sleazy bars as well as antique shops and flea markets.  Maybe I shall have to purchase one of those trailers.  What about storms?  I don't do storms.... What about bed bugs in motel/hotels?   Cant do roadside bedrolls like in the old days, too many weirdo's out there.  They'd be scared of me probably.  Old lady on a Harley Trike?  I would buy an RV but its like driving a train or bus.  I would hit everything in site.  I am thinking I need to go back to the mental drawing board and chill.  Go buy some plants for my porch and see about plan B.  I just don't like bugs in me face!  That's the only reason of course.  Maybe some orange streaks in my hair or possibly a normal vacation like normal people which I have not had since 1987!!  No chit seriously.  Had to raise the kids on my own which means work, work, work....  bring a guy home a couple times for play, get short term married to a drinker (wise huh), then more work, work, work.  Wha Wha, call the wha whambulance.  I am fine, cause my license plate says so.  ALSWELL! (I have paid Wisconsin Plate Renewal rates on ALSWELL from 2004 to 2012)












p.s. I bought mummie dearest a gorgeous Cow cookie jar with a hen sitting on its back for Mothers Day.  The store couldn't find the box so they put it in a cake box and when it got to the funny farm and mummie opened it, the head of the cow was broke in three pieces.  I shall try to talk the store into replacing it even tho I cant prove how it broke.  What's the happy news for today? I have decided not to buy a Harley Trike, for today anyway. Just know that I know I am Steven Tyler's twin sister from a previous life.  And if he saw me he would know it too! I have some amazing feathers for my hair.  Just cant do the black nails "yet."  Reality?  Notsomuch but it was a fun little trip without drugs.  I don't need drugs, I have a

mind from another world. So there ya go, Be Well, Be Safe, Be Happy, and By God get Rich so you can take a vacation every year.  You deserve it.

With Age Comes Equality.......by Diane Ogden

That title came from someone else.  Actually a High School face book friend. 
We were discussing High School and were recalling certain negative factors regarding such.  That being said.... We continued discussing onto class reunions.  Then Parents of High School acquaintances...... That is when face book came into the conversation.  Many of us have reunited with High School classmates on Face book. Heck some of us found our first love from grade school. Mwah being one.  How fun and silly.  Back to "With Age Comes Equality!"  Actually that's it.  "With age comes equality!"  How true is that. Wait, I am not so sure I feel equal or that some of them are equal to me.  Seriously.  Let's get on the get real wagon here.  Some of them are smarter than I am.  I am smarter than some of them.  Some are richer, some are poorer, some are more open, some are more closed.  Some are arsholes and some are saints.
"Ain't that the way the world turns?"  Some fatter, some thinner, some taller, some shorter, some own an RV and some don't.  Some watch birds, some are stock brokers.  Yet comes the day when "most"  of us reach a time when we respect the birdwatchers, the brokers, the retired from whatever, the dead, the saints, and the arsholes.  As long as the arsholes evolved that is.  I have certainly met at least one I deleted from good "old equality face book!"  Then there is politics.  Don't even go there. That is one place where Age does not equal equality. Therefore we wont go there!   Oops gotta go, the Mentalist is on...  Just know that the older you get the wiser you are and the more forgiving. If not "go away" you arshole cause you aren't here to offer one darn thing. Sorta kidding. Wait, I just realized what it is.  It's WRINKLES!  Yup, wrinkles seem to bring all classes of folk together.  Wrinkles are what help most evolve if they hadn't already.  You see, rich people, poor, mean people, fat or thin, no matter the profession, wrinkles speak louder than the brain waves.  Imagine that? Wrinkles are the answer.  For once they equal something good! So until next time, Be Safe, Be Well, Be Happy, and Get Rich for your next class reunion or face lift so you can escape evolving.
photo from www.principlespage.com

A Visit From the Beyond.....by Diane Ogden

I was standing in my kitchen when simultaneously three things occurred.  My 6 lb. dog stood on her hind legs scratching at my leg which is always a sign she is frightened and means, please pick me up! The cat was making chirping sounds, and I could hear a faint yet vigorous flapping sound above my head.  I looked up and there was a frantic large beautiful brown and orange butterfly in my kitchen thinking the florescent light was its way to freedom.  I quickly shut of the light, closed all doors to other lights, closed the blinds and opened the apartment portable screen door from Carol Wright Gifts (you know that cheap catalog that comes in the mail with all sorts of weird gadgets).  It is very strange how Mr. Butte R Fly got in, in the first place.  I had the screen propped open at the bottom about 12 inches for the cats to come and go.  (It a flexible screen door)  Mr. Butte R Fly had to swoop down very very low to even get in. 
After closing all other light sources off,  he flew directly toward the light of the door but not without interruption.  Devil cat "LuLuBelle" was close on his tail!  He made it to the mini blinds and somehow got behind them with Devil cat in pursuit all the time I am thinking I will be purchasing a new 7 foot metal mini blind.  And I thought I might be finding the frail Lil carcass of Mr. Butte R Fly on the floor.  Devil cat gave up.  I slowly meandered toward what I figured would be a death scene but no death anywhere.  The pretty fellow made it back out into the light and life he was born into. 
I thought about what had just happened and wrote my mentor friend to tell her how strange it seemed to me.  I have never had a butterfly come into my home ever.  She emailed me back with one simple line....  "I bet it was George!"   I have to tell you I totally freaked out.  You see George was her husband and he passed away a few weeks ago.  He had a terrible cancer and when the pain got so bad God sent him a dream where he placed George in a peaceful cocoon.  George would tell his wife there was no pain in the cocoon. George would lay curled up dying in his God induced cocoon of peace for a couple weeks more before he got to go home to the light. 

Yup, that was George in my kitchen saying good bye and giving me a large dose of advice.  He told me thru Mr. Butte R. Fly that I need to get back out and live life.  That it may not be an easy road and there may be devil cats that try to chase me and kill me but I will be fine just like he was..... He showed me all I have to do it do it.   Walk it like he flew in and flew back out dodging trouble on his way.   Sometimes troubles abound in our lives and we need a sign.  I sure got a dandy one and I feel privileged God allowed George to make a giant dangerous pit stop to give me such an uplifting sign and message.  I must be important!  My friend told me she sure hoped devil cat didn't kill George because she suspects he has a few more pit stops before he's finished.
Believe this or not its the truth.  Last week my daughter saw Aunt Birdie at the window!   She died a bit back.   Be Well, Be Happy, Be Safe and doggone-it Get Rich for whatever reason you chose.  Okay so the Berdie thing was a joke......  or was it?

Hilary Clinton Look Alike.........by Diane Ogden

So the lighting wasn't the best.  The glasses weren't quite right.  The cheeks weren't puffy enough, but my Hilary Clinton look alike makeover wasn't too bad and was spontaneously fun after watching her on national news tonight. 
Here's the deal.  I actually like her and believe her heart is in all she does.  I also see and hear that she is tired just like us normal not as rich or famous folks.  I also see she has reached an age where she doesn't care and has stated so on national TV, how she looks every day.  She said if she feels like pulling her hair back she will and so on.  See, I agree.  Not that its that attractive, but rather it works.
Sooo, guess what?  I posted this silly picture of my "Hilary Lookalike" on facebook.  Some may hiss, some may hack, some  may say hooey, some may honk if you like it, some may NOT, some might say HOT!  But I think it's funny so I did it.  Fun is funny. And if I don't lay off the food wagon I will really be able to post a lookalike.   Just glad I don't have to deal with China like she does. I only deal with China at Wal Mart, or as a friend of mine calls it, "Hells Gates!"  Bless her for all she has given for most of her life. Not China, Hilary! I am making fun of her while I make fun of myself.  After all, I am her and she is me because, we look alike JEEZ!  Not really, I just plastered my hair down and found an old pair of glasses and some RED lipstick HELLO mo jo.  Then I took a shower to get all the grease out so it puffed a little bit anyway.  Maybe I should write her and give her some shampooing advice.  Actually that is what probably prompted the TV comments.....as she stated.  So leave her alone. And I will too. And until I find something else happy or funny,  Be Safe, Be Happy, Be Well, and Get Rich so you can get your hair shampooed on command and have a cook like OPRAH, well maybe not....so you can stay in shape while saving the world which we all have a part in.  Nite 

Lunch With the "Funny Farmers"......by Diane Ogden

Yup, I gave in today.  Had lunch with the parents who I call mummy dearest and the farmer.  These people live on a property I call the funny farm.  Why?  W e e l l...cause real odd things can happen there.  No not spooky weird but maybe a little mental give or take a few missing cells.  They don't have Internet yet so I am safe until such time as they do and then I will run for the delete button.  We get to the little diner and take forever to figure out what we want because in between the menu pages mummy dearest notices there are two large posters missing from the opposite wall.  Back to the menu, then back to the missing posters of Marilyn Monroe and James Dean.  She said Dad doesn't like James Dean anyway like anyone cared especially the little waitress she is telling this to.  Waitress leaves, Poster Talk continues off and on the entire meal and onto the walk thru the restaurant and out the back door.  Get to that in a minute.  We order Reuben's that were wonderful but came very salty.  I suspect the chef salted the corned beef if you can imagine that.  I ate it and my legs look like tree stumps tonight thank you.  Mother asked several times into the air, that she wondered why they would take those posters down.  And where would they have put them. Oh yeah, gettin good now huh?  I told her they put up their own restaurant logo sign is why.  She took another bite and muffled how nice they looked up there and they should still be there. Where did they go? Meantime the farmer and I are exchanging eye verbiage called rolling of the eyes and to the left upward pupils and crooked little grins but never saying a word because we both know the consequences of stopping mummy in the middle of her amateur theatrics on any single subject.  She was on a roll and we let her roll for we do know better than not to.  Where was Marilyn and James?  I wanted to say DEAD that's where. Now could you please let them be dead in whatever closet or whoever they got sold or given to.  But that was only a mental dream I was experiencing while begging God to make her stop.  It gets worse.  We finish and pay and start the walk thru the restaurant to the back door.  All the waitresses are sitting at a table close to the back door counting their days tips.  Little stacks of money all over the table.  Mother says, and I just knew it was coming, "Say, do you girls know where the big pictures of Marilyn Monroe and who was that again Diane?"  I said, "James Dean Mother."  She continues, "Oh yes, I remember now, James Dean, your father doesn't like him anyway."  (I so wanted to say, Yup and he's effing dead mother so the chatter doesn't matter!!)The girls just stared at her saying they don't recall any pictures like that, except the ones over the rest room doors.  Mother said, "No they were really big and hung over there.'  The girls asked how long ago that was.   Mother said, " Oh several years ago I guess."   Me, I could have been embarrassed but decided not to be as I didn't talk for 45 minutes on the whereabouts of two posters missing within the last two years.  Why? Why Why?   What would that be called?  OCD, ADD, ADHD?  Least she isn't washing her hands over and over...she is talking about one subject over and over.  She finally quit when we got outside the door.  Amen.  I am giggling at this little episode because that is the typical funny farm "out to lunch" conversation.  So until I have any more silly, funny, happy, or unusual topics, Be Safe, Be Well, Be Happy, and Get Rich so you can take long vacations away from your funny families.  It makes it all so much easier.  And I pray it isn't hereditary.

"Fool Moon" People ....Tonite....by Diane Ogden

I left the house all the while forgetting today was a "Fool Moon" day and night.  "Fool Moon" nights bring  strange beings such as Wal Mart People will be sucked out from under all the Wal Mart rocks of America and beyond.  Close to zombievilleism. Stay home!  If not you will see things you never thought you were born to see.  I am not talking about people that show plumber butt when they bend over, nope, I am discussing the one that expose their entire butt. I am not talking about the average hick person, rather the 75 year old woman who does the terrible tans and baring her saggin abs at the grocery story. And I am not discussing the other odd folks with breasts and low baggies, rather the ones exposing their colostomy bags.  Oh yeah! You will say to yourself, oh my dear God what was that? Really, what was that??  Whatever that was it resembled road kill. That's the kind of night this is...Where are the crows, the buzzards??  Dinner awaits. Its safe only to stay at home and clean or watch TV until its over.  Until they all go back under their rocks.  As you can see from the photos I borrowed from the walmartpeople.com

 Soooo....until tomorrow Be Safe, Be Happy, Be Well, and stay home until this passes....

  Oh come on, one more for the road. This one from www.canutan.com

The Lil Rug.......by Diane Ogden

And this is the history of the HAIRPIECE!  I have had the thingy sitting on the keyboard for its photo shoot for twenty some years.  Of course I wash it, at least twice.  Why do I keep it?  Because it adds a tad bit of height to my crown.  No that is not a joke.. (The crown comes in the nurse home) I don't mean princess crown type duh.  I mean I wasn't born with a perfect shaped head. Sooo the little doo da day piece gives my head shape balance. Who cares? Mwah does.  I rec'd an email from my hairdresser asking me how the hairs was doin'?  That be because he colors it and it fades.  Turns out because I used some cheap shampoo which made the color fade....  So he GAVE me FREE some less fade color shampoo.  It did work 90% better.   In fact it faded just to the exact point that I could finally pull out my lil old piece and ponytail the rest. Whalla.....not that it took my look back twenty years of course.... only in the movies and airbrushing!  But it did make me feel better.  I think I need a wake up call.  It's over rover.   S H U T U P!  I am fine with my life changes.  Just wait til I take my lil old piece into my next hair appt.  He will freak out...or not.  I know he will.  Come on, a twenty year old hair piece!  Don't gasp I have some shirts with shoulder pads from the 80's.....their b a a a c c k k!  And they are stunning with their raggy look.  Okay, I  have nice dress ups too. I was looking at those two pics...humm I think my nose grew.
I tell you, until tomorrow, Be Well, Be Happy, Be Safe, and get rich so you can have a face lift and extension's.....or ??  Whatever your heart desires.  And if your a guy man and you actually read this....dont laugh....you could need a hairpiece too one day. Mine is for shaping, yours would be for real.