Dolly's "Coat of Many Colors!" by Diane Ogden

I had three jobs today, it was hot, I was training a new person..... 
I, me, I-tis....had an appointment to get some rootin tootin root repair done at four p.m.
No not a root canal, rather fifty shades of gray, brown, yellow, lighter blonde and more gray.
Yes I have Dolly's many coat of colors on my head today.  I was looking forward to my appointment
which I made it to right on time!  I walked to the door and the door sign said closed.  I knocked.  I knocked again and again.  Nothing, Nadda, Zilch!  I knew my guy worked on Mondays so was he dead inside?  No answer on his phone either.  So back into the hot car to drive clear across town with one of those over the toilet stands shoved into my car from backseat left to front seat right...right up to the windshield.  Sweet!  Not!  Then my guy that does my "Coat of many colors" called.  We made a new time and I crawled home with the over the toilet space saver thingy.
I'm okay....  I have a great Milwaukee Brewers cap that saves me!

So Be Well, Be Happy, Be Safe, and get rich so you can have a better coat on your head instead of a baseball cap!  OMG my Grandbaby is laughing at me.....

Two Fireman and a Cop......by Diane Ogden

After a week or so I finally found something hilarious to write about.  Well, funny to me anyway and hoping I can portray it likewise.  So after a L O N G gruelling week at work after my helper quit mid week, and I hired ditzo amazon woman.... I found a good one but we hit it hard due to the four day week.  Poor woman!  Back to my point.  I am home, it be a Friday night, I am unwinding with a cocktail.  Where the hell did that word come from anyway?  Cock - tail!  Sure after several drinks several people get tail from cocks. Sorry....my bad huh?   Just sayin that is what I gather from such a word.

Okay I 'm back!  My phone rings.  It would be my Granddaughter.  She is huffing and puffing like anxiety huffs and puffs.  I say, "What's going on?"   She says in very fast talk like its special language of its own...fast talk that is....  "The EMS was here and I was running around the house cause blood was gushing out and Cody was home on break and had to go back to work or he would loose a point. " (A POINT??)  I waited for the story to come together which it finally did.  Seems she put something inside a long thin flower vase and was trying to root it out with a butter knife when the damn cheap thing from China's gates of hell broke.   At this point a piece of glass was stuck inside her body middle finger.  She pulled it out and blood came a gushing.  Point 2:  She begins running around the house and screams for her man-boy to HELP her.  He came with all good intentions checking it out....then said he thought it was fine and that he couldn't take her to hospital because he would lose ONE POINT...at the foundry job.  So she, being the good wife!!!  LOL  And caretaker, calls the EMT's.  Two hot fireman show up sirens blaring, neighbors checking it out, then a squad car with a hot cop arrives....meantime hot man-boy friend has left the scene for the foundry.  I must tell you I was laughing so hard I was in tears while listening to this saga of the cut finger folly dealy story.  So was my granddaughter by the way.  And so were the EMT's by the way.  Meantime her 18 month old son was in awh of the cool fellows visiting and his mom running about bleeding.  Didn't seem to upset him so much.  My Granddaughter was concerned what the neighbors might think and stated so. That is when the officer and the other gentlemen told her the neighbors were used to red flashing lites at this house in the past.  OMG....apparently the last renters were Jerry Springer losers.  Great, wonderful... I told her to make sure she goes out and discusses as well as laughs at herself regarding this eventful event being that she called the EMT's for a finger cut that didn't need stitches.  p.s.  Her man boy said he was glad to go back to work after the three day weekend....as he needed a break.  (Grand has anxiety issues. Ya think??)  Least we can laugh about and at it.  I told her, "How else can ya get three hot guys at your home giving you all sort of attention while your own man-boy trucks off to work so he doesn't lose ONE point!  I say it was all worth it.  She got some much needed attention and I got a new blog post.  p.p.s.  I told her to super glue the cut shut.  Soooo Be Happy, Be Well, and Be Safe.....and get rich so you can hire people to get stuck items out of cheap flower vases from China hell. 

Amazon Woman .............by Diane Ogden

This is me after a day with Amazon Woman!  I hired a woman sort of by phone and then met her in person.  Dumb!  No actually DESPERATE which if you scramble the word Desperate it means Separate and that is exactly what happened by the end of this unbelievable day from hell-o amazon woman.  She wore her orthopedic shoes and I am not kidding, you know the walker type beige ones.  Yup.  She rode with me (never ever again!) and disliked the air conditioning due to her physical condition where she gets cold due to thyroid.  Don't open the windows cause her allergies cause her contacts to mess up.  Shit she cant see anyway I discovered.  Later on that one.  She told me how to drive, told me she had experience .... (MyBad I didn't check references due to DESPERATION which means separation thank God I learned this today and only today.   The woman kept saying, "We're done now!"  I smiled for a while then said, "We're done when I say we're done." She asked if every room had to be vacuumed. OMG, no lets just do one dummie.

She left dirt everywhere on floors, large pieces of catfood on the kitchen floor, hairs all over bathroom sinks. She said that was my fault for turning the fan on . That would be the fan on the bathroom ceiling ya think that stirred up all that pubic hair I found in the sink huh?  DUMBASS!  I think she wiped the floor and then the sink.  There was green comet in the bottom of the tubs when she was finished.   I watched her spray the shower wall with Cleaner and wipe it off with a paper towel.  That's going to get two weeks of clients skin off the wall right?  I took her back to her car to drive to the second job where she immediately got out of her car to tell me I didn't turn my signal on soon enough "back there."  I said, "Listen lady, you need to find someone else to nit-pic cause this mess isn't going to work, I can see that very clearly!"  She told me I was too defensive.  I just laughed.  She finished vacuuming the sofa and I mentioned there was still hair all over it. Cat hair that is.  She told me it was the vacuum that blew it all back on there.  I just laughed and said sure. And repeated, "This isn't going to work!" Then I told her to check the corner by such and such as there was lint and dirt and pointed to it.  She tried to intimidate me saying she cant tell where it is by that pointing thing.  This woman was ghastly to work with for one hour much less five.  I was actually about in tears after the first job and was in tears after the second one.  Heck, I didn't pee wee all day cause I perspired horribly due to running around after her picking up hair and such. And I drank a liter of water, 14 ounces of decaf/coffee, and two diet cokes! I almost drank my clients wine. I was in my car driving to next client when first client called me and said, "Diane, this is the worse cleaning we have ever had, what's up?"  I explained in great duress with no diplomacy whatsoever considering  I was upset.  (They have been my clients for years.)  She said no problem go hire someone decent and get refs!  Then she said God doesn't give up more than we can handle.  I said, "No but that other satan guy does!"  She laughed.  Then I got a text from her saying her little boy, age 3 said to tell Diane its okay and they all love me.  WOW!  That made up for all of it.  Including the fact Amazon W said not to turn the bathroom fan on because feces are airborne.  I said, "Oh Hush!"  She said and did so many stupid things in 5 hours I cannot recall them all.  Bottom line is if you speak to someone on the phone and they have a nice voice and are educated.....it doesn't mean they are smart or have experience.  This was the face of a prize fighter with a lobotomy.  So back to Craig's List to find someone without a lobotomy and experience and I will be leaving desperation behind. I bet I sleep tonight!  p.s. I am a very easy going nice person but this person with several disorders, mental and physical turned me into a REAL BOSS who said, "Your Fired" as I tossed my hair back like Trump, got in the Buick and cried as I drove away to better days.  So until I find something interesting or funny, Be Well, Be Safe, Be Happy, and by God or man..Get Rich so you don't have to deal with Amazon Women who lie about experience and think feces are airborne and cant see a foot in front of them! Shykies....

The Beginning and The End and The Beginning Again...by Diane Ogden

Okay....so you all know I have a little tiny business with wonderful clients I talk about on occasion.  Carefully of course.  Yesterday my helper QUIT!  Effing QUIT in the middle of the week after working for me a year and half at least.  (I didn't go look up how long)   I think and believe it was the effing year and a half.  Soooo, I went home yesterday and attempted to be calm which did not worksowell.  Then I had a drink or two and went to bed after I posted an ad on the infamous nasty Craig guy lister.  That didn't turn out so well as I awoke at 3 ish, and remained up until now:  8:45pm watching American Idol singers "Screaming" not singing...it be the finale so I guess screaming is acceptable there ....notsomuchheredoi!  Okay back to point.  I posted an ad on Crazy Craig's List where people get killed when they meet up... hey what the hell choice did I have?  I suppose a headhunter, but they charge my yearly wages before worker pay out, so Craig it were.  And by God I hired the first person that sent a reasonable ref.  Then I took to eating everything in sight for twelve hours or so.  I started at 4:30 a.m. with coffee and chili (no shit with beans) and just quit at 9:30 p.m.  I haven't stress eaten for years. Then I took the dog out more than once, thank god or someone .....then I started to drink.  That would be up to now meaning the present.  I WILL sleep or die and the WILL is in a drawer somewhere.....not under the under ware.  Nope that's where the money is honnie. Hopefully my head can outlive my heart this round cause its been a dandy.  So tomorrow is training.  I am so excited I could pretend I am as successful as that Lil 16 year old on American Idol who could WIN!!  Although Phillip Phillips will win.  Whichever.  Be Happy, Be Well, Be Safe, And get rich so you don't have to stress eat or drink and can relax the beans in the chili. Oh my god I hope those beans don't hit tomorrow during training!  I have Gax X on hand!!  Nite

Phillip Phillips Won....  He will be rich and can eat all the beans he wants now.  And the best part is Steven Tyler hugged him.  (I didnt like Steven's rock singing. He needs to slow her down some like Rod Stewey did.  LOL  nite

Plug and Play.... by Diane Ogden

Sooo, its the summer of 2012 and it porch contest time which means I cant stand it and have to spend $200 to win and make $50!~  Good business huh? Notsomuch!  But sure is fun sometimes, this one being it.  I spent several hours today learning how to fix a broken lamp cord, add a plug, find some black tape and hope like heck I put the wires under the plug screws clockwise !!   That was after I was all done and ready to plug her in.  And that was after I made two trips to Home Depot, the famous fixer upper on many TV shows I watch.  Ty Pennington's place to go is Home Depot!  So I went there cause Ty Pennington is my sons twin in life.  Sort of. 
The first trip to H.D., not the TV type the Depot type, the fat guy salesman tells me what I need and how to make it happen.  The light that needs cord repair to come on that is.  By the way I got it at a used furniture store for a song. You know, a song, meaning cheapola, $35.  Then I bought a flicker light to flicker in it after I learned how to cut the cord with a splicer dealie, then wrap the wires properly and then use a pliers to click it tight and then do similar with the new plug.  When I thought I had it right, I called my neighbor friend and explained the electrical situation and told her I was about to plug my masterpiece in and that I had life insurance with such and such company as well as were I hide my money which was a joke of course but added some drama to the circuit situation.  I plugged it in (that was after I googled how to, to double check the Home Depot fat guy's instructions, and omg it worked.  I am not being nasty, but the fat guy, he couldn't bend over to pic up something on the floor at the depot place, he had to get on one knee to do it. It was just unhealthy (nothing funny there huh?) 

Then I tried to wrap the wire cinchers with black tape that was seven years old making it STICKY.  So I went upstairs to another neighbor (MAN!!! Chit no one gave me a divorce handbook on how to fix a broken wire) and he wrapped it good!  Thank you very much man person, at which time I walked it back home, stood on the wicker porch chair, hung it up , plugged it in and whalla whalla!  Let there be light God said on the seventh day. (Okay so I am a bit ADD and finished it on the sixth day!) Does that mean I can rest tomorrow?  God I hope so....Until I find something else for you, Be Well, Be Happy, Be Safe, and dad gummit get rich so you can but a new lamp and not waste several hours of your LIFE you could and should be doing other things. It did turn out darn nice I have to say.

It's dark now and the little flicker light is pretty cool and relaxing.

"I Don't Make Noise Anymore!" and "The Turd".......by Diane Ogden

I have an acquaintance / friend who is at the age where it's a possibility that we could lose one of both of our parents.  In fact that happened to her.  She lost her precious Mother, so her precious Father  moved in with them.  The them would be her and her husband.  Some time passed and I recalled the fact that her life had changed considering her Father now lives with them.  I asked her how it was going today and she said, "Fine."  (Oookay!)  I said, "Well how do you deal with Dad in the house and you all making noise."  She said, "I don't make noise anymore!"   That was this morning and I thought about that all day off and on.  I don't make noise anymore!  Oookkkaaayy....  Could that mean the kitty's broke, or his tommy's broke, or they just play quietly, or she just lost her mojo, or what??   I haven't had time to ask yet.  Like it's none of my business and like how does one ask such a question regarding such a noise issue?  Maybe they are just happy quiet folks anymore who simply read and read some more.  Watch Dancing With the Stars, go grocery shopping and don't make any noise that the Dad can hear.  Or maybe the Dad can't hear..  I don't know.

We are not too old to make noise.  I know people making noise when they're in their 80's.  I don't want to picture that, but I know of them.  In fact I don't want to picture anyone making noise.  Enough of that.  Part II:
Today I was at a clients home.  This home is hugemongous.  I was in the downstairs 5th bathroom  checking on things when things suddenly became the largest turd I have ever seen laying in the toilet.  I just stood there for a bit thinking what I should do with it.  You may be wondering what I mean by that.  Wweeellll, if I flushed it and it didn't go down to the bowels of hell where it belonged and it instead clogged the tiny down shoot that would mean it could end up on the floor and out into the carpeted area.  Then what and how would I explain that (and that) it might would appear that it was mine.  The owners of "it"  surely wouldn't claim "it" now would they?  So there we would be in a turd claiming match.  Actually when my helper came down and asked me what I was doing?  I said, "Come here, look at that.....that person should have signed there name to that one!"   That is when I trotted, (sorry) upstairs to find a plunger to either break "it" up or save the day by saving the floor and my job.  My god what has my life come to?  Breaking other peoples turds apart for a dollar.  OMdearG!  I thought of taking a picture of it knowing no one would believe me but that was too gross.  Soooo..... you just have to take my word for it.  Why would someone do that and not flush? And how could I make something like this up. 
So until I either find a bigger one, or my friend explains what her definition of noise is:  Be Well, Be Safe, Be Happy, and Get Rich so if you cant make noise you can buy a big Hello Kitty Vibrator in case yours be broke. 
(Mybad today I know, but jeez it all really happened)

Daring the Devil..........by Diane Ogden

I joined "face book" over a year ago.  It has never caused me to lose any sleep until now.  No it wasn't bullying, or anything like that. 
I came home from work yesterday, took the dog out, turned the TV on, sat down at my laptop, checked my emails, checked the news, checked face book and what faced me square in the face was a photo of one of my children sitting on a ledge 2,300 feet above a river looking straight down!   At first I didn't 'get' it.  I viewed it and re-posted it on my page with a silly saying to go with it.  Then I got to thinking about it.  (Don't do that by the way! Sit on a tiny ledge with a 2,300 foot drop off to a river if that even matters) Why would a person, any person, and of course especially my child, a grown man-boy, do such a thing?  Does he not care if he should die?   Or does he live in a world of fantasy thinking?  Thinking nothing he is invincible.  He is 34 years old.  Do people age 34 still think they are invincible.  I know we all rarely believe we will ever have cancer or such. But a visible 2,300 foot drop is quite visible.
Race car drivers drive the track at amazingly high speeds yet they cannot see a crash or a burning car so they carry on.  But a visible 2,300 foot drop.  Guess he didn't or couldn't see a fall.  Humm.  Smart? or not.  Is that it?  It wont happen if you cant see it?  It wont happen if your don't believe it will?   My friend just passed away and he was positive he would be healed and not pass away/die!  But he did.

I woke up at 3:30 this morning and could not go back to sleep.  Why?  Because my child sat on that tiny ledge "daring the devil" to kill him.  Or was he "going with the gods" to protect him?  My friend says the happiest people take the biggest chances....ya think?
Now I know where the term "I dare you" came from.....had to be satan.  And if you dare the devil he could win no matter what you believe.  Accidents happen, KARMA could show up, your guardian angel could be on break....therefore I suggest you don't dare the devil in such a manner.  P L E A S E! So until I find some happier news for you, Be SAFE, Be Well, Be Happy, and Get rich so you can afford a psychiatrist.