Humanitarian or Sanitarium?......by Diane OGden

I play around with numerology.  That means I can tell you what you are like just knowing your name.  I can tell you  more knowing your full name and date of birth.  That said.. My numbers say I am a humanitarian. Actually the truth be told I am a giver that gets in trouble giving sometimes. Like I rescue everything and everyone.  Dogs that refuse to eat unless I cook it from scratch and of course I have tried to starve her to eat dog food with no luck. I think that was a way too long sentence! Cats that you cant hold, men that are peter pans or worse, children with horrible life issues, old people that are dying, (hospice) and bunnies that need food and water due to the drought.  So I feed the cat a jar of Gerber Ham baby food every day @ $1 a day.  I cook for the dog....  I got rid of the men thank God and my brain sense that only took too long. What is my point?  I was outside talking to other dog walkers and saw a little bunny that seemed to be in distress. He/she came hopping very close to us humans which told me he / she needed something.  We are in a heat wave and drought.  That bunny was hungry and thirsty.  It wasn't even afraid.  Next morning I saw he /she across the street in broad daylight near the curb trying to find food.  Sooo out comes humanitarian mama.  I put out the bowl of water and lettuce I hadn't eaten along with carrots.  I came home later in the day and all the carrots were gone, and then later yet most of the lettuce was gone.  Guess this means now I will be not only buying one jar of Gerber baby ham but I will be buying a bag of carrots too.  Holy mother of all bunnies!  I know this isn't funny.  Well maybe it is!  What a weirdo insane human-itarian I am. (That sounds real close to sanitarium. Whatever....  Be well like the bunny, be happy like the bunny is today, and be safe like the bunny is today.  And may someone will help you the same way.  Not with carrots, lettuce and water...but with the love behind the intention.  And get rich so you can feed more than one bunny.  Like maybe the Ethiopians....God I hate those commercials. 

Popeye the Sailor Man .....by Diane Ogden

When I was a youngster in Austin, Texas my Grandaddy was my hero.  Little did I know he was no real life hero, just mine!  He drank Canadian Club most of the time but never missed work or got into any trouble. In fact that brown bottle with the pretty label sat in the front seat of his always new Cadillac between he and my Nana.  At parties he would drink a bit more and do amazing Indian dances and chants for the family.  He had one heck of a hardy laugh just like I do.  Sometimes too hardy according to the etiquette manual. 

I sing a lot.  To the cats, the dog, myself, and I find myself singing a song my Grandad used to sing. Why it stuck in my brain I have no idea....
It had a nice rthym to it just stuck in my head all my life duh....  goes like this:

I'm Popeye the sailor man,
I live in a garbage can.
I like to go swimming with bow-legged women,
I'm Popeye the sailor man!!!

Great memory huh?  Oh I have other ones that are better and some worse... just think this one is funny. Why the heck would I remember this particular little nasty song.

I hope I'm back to my blogging because I enjoy looking to find or make life easier with some humor.

Some days more than others.  So until tomorrow, be safe, be happy, be well and by GOD or whoever GET RICH!  Makes it all easier.  My Grandad was rich, at least until the IRS caught up with him. Dont worry Nana had a mess of $ hidden in the summer house freezer............

Humor is Hiding, Dear Mr. President... by Diane Ogden

I have not written a post for a long time because I was watching my father pass away from life "with" an agressive cancer.  He did pass.  And now I am faced with another life trial of helping my son who has been incarcerated since 2001 receive clemency.  Today is the day I have designated to write the President of the United States regarding:  So first I avoided by staying outside visiting with many fellow dog walkers.  Next I cooked fried potatoes, eggs, biscuit with orange preserves. Then I watched HGTV makeovers, and now I am faced with the real task of writing a letter to the President:  Cant put it off any longer, so here goes.

Dear Mr. President,

Before I begin please note I did vote for you. Your wife is amazing. Your children are precious and I adore the dog.

I am the Mother of inmate Daniel R. Hull #05136-090.  I am sixty-four years of age, Daniel is the eldest son of five, one daughter.  Daniel was convicted of armed bank robbery in 2001.  Let me say, I cannot imagine the fear it must have caused the innocent workers at the bank.  The same fear Daniel tells me he experienced when held at "shank-point" by several other inmates with no help in sight.  Daniel expressed to me he thought he was going to die that day. And that was his personal KARMA.  He told me he got back what he had physically and emotionally given to those innocent people at the bank.  He expressed to me that it is his responsibility to take responsibility for his every action in this life. 

The Daniel I knew years ago was an angry man who blamed everyone else for his sad life. Drugs and alcohol were his escape and enemy, therefore he went through several prison classes that have helped him come out the other side of that difficult mountain. He also conquered smoking. (ppssst)  (kay okay I will take that out)

Since being incarcerated this time I see and hear a new evolved "human being." No longer a victim, rather a life coach for whoever enters his precense on the inside as well as family on the outside.  He counsels his daughters, his Grandmother, his niece Emma,  and myself with his limitless wisdom. 

Daniel went against one of the "laws of the inmates" (Never help the Po-leece) to save a female guard from a serious inmate attack.  He lived in terror for his life from the other inmates for helping her.  Daniel was the medical overseer at the health workout center where once again he saved a man's life by insisting he get immediate medical care. He has an inmate following regarding his life coaching skills wherever he goes.

Daniel taught art classes in prison, as well as he earned his GED, he graduated from Blackstone College as a degreed paralegal with a student grade average of 95.58%. He also has a ministeral degree, along with numerous drug and alcohol treatment classes. 

Regarding our family:  It doesnt go without some dysfunction as most any other.  Daniel has three brothers who all do well in life and have never been in trouble with the law. One is in sales and lives in a local gated community, another is an aspiring actor and carpenter in Los Angeles, another is traveling the world with his girlfriend, and a sister who is also doing well.  Daniel has four neices he has never seen due to the distance of the prison. They love his artwork and strive to be like him. Daniel has two daughters that need him very much. (Age 21 & 22)  They have never had a father figure and Daniel and I believe, as many others do also, their still at an age where he can offer them the wonderful life coaching he and they have missed out on. One daughter is a waitress and the other is in school working toward her bachelors in child psychology.  Daniel's Grandfather (who raised him) passed away last week.  His Grandmother, age 81 is now out in the country on the farm alone.  She broke her hip and is having to clean the barn (one horse) of the horse manure carrying it out in buckets by hand, picking raspberries in the heat to sell to the local resturants, and working the huge garden.  I have spinal stenosis and cannot help her.  My brother and his children live four hours away.  Grandmother needs Daniel in her fraile years.  As a family we do not like her on the farm alone, but it is her choice to stay in the only home she has known most of her life.  Daniel's other Grandmother is 87, still works in the local WalMart office and has just recently become a positive part of Daniel's life.  (His Father and Paternal Grandfather have passed away) He has been offered a good job from his Uncle when he is freed.

Daniel's imprisonment has affected all of us in very negative and very positive ways.  The younger children have learned how drugs and alcohol can nearly ruin a persons life.  But they and we also have been blessed with a person, Daniel, who is now beyond belief an evolved amazing transformed "human being"  who tells the other inmates and family members to take responsibility for their own actions.  Most of all he offers HOPE and will not accept any negative talk or thinking around him.  He teaches others how to do the same.

Daniel no longer takes from life, he gives.  I am formally asking you, the President of HOPE and CHANGE to give Daniel clemency, a chance to make right his wrongs.  I know he will, because he already is.  You may not have time, but feel free to tell Mrs. Obama to check out Daniel's blog.  http://tucsonprisonlife.blogspot.com   Daniel was transferred to a medium facility in Pekin, IL a couple months ago. He has had no infractions for eleven years. 

With Deep Respect and Sincerity,
The Happy News Lady  (okay "captain obviously" I am not going to sign it this way doi)

Elevator Farters......by Diane Ogden

Do you think people that fart in elevators think it is funny?  Or do you think they just couldn't wait 30 little more seconds to the next floor?  Or do you think they are merely assholes, obviously!  Personally I know I am going to have a bad day if I walk into a rest room where someone has just done a poo in the only stall left.  But if I enter an elevator late in the day just after someone has done the fart.....what does that mean for me?  It means someone is a rotten, low down, smellin, good for nothin, disrespectful, and I hope not dis-eased!  Because I had to cover my face with my shirt to be able to breath the 30 LONG seconds to my floor.   I was scared someone would be waiting at the end of my ride and I would have to say,  "I didn't do it!  I did not leave that stink in that small elevator room." You know no one would believe me!  Rotten egged human being with no consideration tried to ruin the end of my day and blame his crap on me.   Well it didn't work.  I 'm fine....

Dolly's "Coat of Many Colors!" by Diane Ogden

I had three jobs today, it was hot, I was training a new person..... 
I, me, I-tis....had an appointment to get some rootin tootin root repair done at four p.m.
No not a root canal, rather fifty shades of gray, brown, yellow, lighter blonde and more gray.
Yes I have Dolly's many coat of colors on my head today.  I was looking forward to my appointment
which I made it to right on time!  I walked to the door and the door sign said closed.  I knocked.  I knocked again and again.  Nothing, Nadda, Zilch!  I knew my guy worked on Mondays so was he dead inside?  No answer on his phone either.  So back into the hot car to drive clear across town with one of those over the toilet stands shoved into my car from backseat left to front seat right...right up to the windshield.  Sweet!  Not!  Then my guy that does my "Coat of many colors" called.  We made a new time and I crawled home with the over the toilet space saver thingy.
I'm okay....  I have a great Milwaukee Brewers cap that saves me!

So Be Well, Be Happy, Be Safe, and get rich so you can have a better coat on your head instead of a baseball cap!  OMG my Grandbaby is laughing at me.....

Two Fireman and a Cop......by Diane Ogden

After a week or so I finally found something hilarious to write about.  Well, funny to me anyway and hoping I can portray it likewise.  So after a L O N G gruelling week at work after my helper quit mid week, and I hired ditzo amazon woman.... I found a good one but we hit it hard due to the four day week.  Poor woman!  Back to my point.  I am home, it be a Friday night, I am unwinding with a cocktail.  Where the hell did that word come from anyway?  Cock - tail!  Sure after several drinks several people get tail from cocks. Sorry....my bad huh?   Just sayin that is what I gather from such a word.

Okay I 'm back!  My phone rings.  It would be my Granddaughter.  She is huffing and puffing like anxiety huffs and puffs.  I say, "What's going on?"   She says in very fast talk like its special language of its own...fast talk that is....  "The EMS was here and I was running around the house cause blood was gushing out and Cody was home on break and had to go back to work or he would loose a point. " (A POINT??)  I waited for the story to come together which it finally did.  Seems she put something inside a long thin flower vase and was trying to root it out with a butter knife when the damn cheap thing from China's gates of hell broke.   At this point a piece of glass was stuck inside her body middle finger.  She pulled it out and blood came a gushing.  Point 2:  She begins running around the house and screams for her man-boy to HELP her.  He came with all good intentions checking it out....then said he thought it was fine and that he couldn't take her to hospital because he would lose ONE POINT...at the foundry job.  So she, being the good wife!!!  LOL  And caretaker, calls the EMT's.  Two hot fireman show up sirens blaring, neighbors checking it out, then a squad car with a hot cop arrives....meantime hot man-boy friend has left the scene for the foundry.  I must tell you I was laughing so hard I was in tears while listening to this saga of the cut finger folly dealy story.  So was my granddaughter by the way.  And so were the EMT's by the way.  Meantime her 18 month old son was in awh of the cool fellows visiting and his mom running about bleeding.  Didn't seem to upset him so much.  My Granddaughter was concerned what the neighbors might think and stated so. That is when the officer and the other gentlemen told her the neighbors were used to red flashing lites at this house in the past.  OMG....apparently the last renters were Jerry Springer losers.  Great, wonderful... I told her to make sure she goes out and discusses as well as laughs at herself regarding this eventful event being that she called the EMT's for a finger cut that didn't need stitches.  p.s.  Her man boy said he was glad to go back to work after the three day weekend....as he needed a break.  (Grand has anxiety issues. Ya think??)  Least we can laugh about and at it.  I told her, "How else can ya get three hot guys at your home giving you all sort of attention while your own man-boy trucks off to work so he doesn't lose ONE point!  I say it was all worth it.  She got some much needed attention and I got a new blog post.  p.p.s.  I told her to super glue the cut shut.  Soooo Be Happy, Be Well, and Be Safe.....and get rich so you can hire people to get stuck items out of cheap flower vases from China hell. 

Amazon Woman .............by Diane Ogden

This is me after a day with Amazon Woman!  I hired a woman sort of by phone and then met her in person.  Dumb!  No actually DESPERATE which if you scramble the word Desperate it means Separate and that is exactly what happened by the end of this unbelievable day from hell-o amazon woman.  She wore her orthopedic shoes and I am not kidding, you know the walker type beige ones.  Yup.  She rode with me (never ever again!) and disliked the air conditioning due to her physical condition where she gets cold due to thyroid.  Don't open the windows cause her allergies cause her contacts to mess up.  Shit she cant see anyway I discovered.  Later on that one.  She told me how to drive, told me she had experience .... (MyBad I didn't check references due to DESPERATION which means separation thank God I learned this today and only today.   The woman kept saying, "We're done now!"  I smiled for a while then said, "We're done when I say we're done." She asked if every room had to be vacuumed. OMG, no lets just do one dummie.

She left dirt everywhere on floors, large pieces of catfood on the kitchen floor, hairs all over bathroom sinks. She said that was my fault for turning the fan on . That would be the fan on the bathroom ceiling ya think that stirred up all that pubic hair I found in the sink huh?  DUMBASS!  I think she wiped the floor and then the sink.  There was green comet in the bottom of the tubs when she was finished.   I watched her spray the shower wall with Cleaner and wipe it off with a paper towel.  That's going to get two weeks of clients skin off the wall right?  I took her back to her car to drive to the second job where she immediately got out of her car to tell me I didn't turn my signal on soon enough "back there."  I said, "Listen lady, you need to find someone else to nit-pic cause this mess isn't going to work, I can see that very clearly!"  She told me I was too defensive.  I just laughed.  She finished vacuuming the sofa and I mentioned there was still hair all over it. Cat hair that is.  She told me it was the vacuum that blew it all back on there.  I just laughed and said sure. And repeated, "This isn't going to work!" Then I told her to check the corner by such and such as there was lint and dirt and pointed to it.  She tried to intimidate me saying she cant tell where it is by that pointing thing.  This woman was ghastly to work with for one hour much less five.  I was actually about in tears after the first job and was in tears after the second one.  Heck, I didn't pee wee all day cause I perspired horribly due to running around after her picking up hair and such. And I drank a liter of water, 14 ounces of decaf/coffee, and two diet cokes! I almost drank my clients wine. I was in my car driving to next client when first client called me and said, "Diane, this is the worse cleaning we have ever had, what's up?"  I explained in great duress with no diplomacy whatsoever considering  I was upset.  (They have been my clients for years.)  She said no problem go hire someone decent and get refs!  Then she said God doesn't give up more than we can handle.  I said, "No but that other satan guy does!"  She laughed.  Then I got a text from her saying her little boy, age 3 said to tell Diane its okay and they all love me.  WOW!  That made up for all of it.  Including the fact Amazon W said not to turn the bathroom fan on because feces are airborne.  I said, "Oh Hush!"  She said and did so many stupid things in 5 hours I cannot recall them all.  Bottom line is if you speak to someone on the phone and they have a nice voice and are educated.....it doesn't mean they are smart or have experience.  This was the face of a prize fighter with a lobotomy.  So back to Craig's List to find someone without a lobotomy and experience and I will be leaving desperation behind. I bet I sleep tonight!  p.s. I am a very easy going nice person but this person with several disorders, mental and physical turned me into a REAL BOSS who said, "Your Fired" as I tossed my hair back like Trump, got in the Buick and cried as I drove away to better days.  So until I find something interesting or funny, Be Well, Be Safe, Be Happy, and by God or man..Get Rich so you don't have to deal with Amazon Women who lie about experience and think feces are airborne and cant see a foot in front of them! Shykies....