My Panic Horn...... by Diane Ogden

This is a mock picture of Aretha Franklin, one of my clients cats who used to be an indoor cat and have now become an indoor/outdoor cat.  A fact I forgot I was told a month ago.  So today when I arrived and opened the door Aretha ran out like a shot!  I freaked!  Trying to be calm and follow Aretha into the back yard where the legal city Chicken Coop also exists was a joke in itself.  I am whining to Aretha....saying in the whinier voice, "OMG Aretha, stop please you cannot get lost on my watch, okay? Wait, stop!"  I did carefully catch her, pick her up all the time scared she would claw me like a crazed lion.  Well, she didn't and in fact she was as scared of me as I was of her.  I got her into the back door only to have the husband of the house call and tell me she can go outside.  So back out the front door she went!  About an hour later my helper was taking a break outside at her car....   I was working in the kitchen when I heard a familiar horn honking.  I knew I had not touched my keys.  Then thought maybe my helper had accidentally pushed the panic horn button while getting something out of the car...... but it wasn't stopping!  So I ran outside where I saw my helper walking back across the street to my car with her arms in the air saying, I don't know!
I got to my car and there were my keys laying on the front seat undisturbed and there was Aretha in the back seat scared nutz cause the horn was going off very loudly.  I opened the door for her and grabbed the keys.  I kept hitting the button and nothing happened.  My helper took the keys and hit the proper button.  I had been hitting the trunk button not the stop panic horn button.  I have anxiety issues and loud noises make me goofy nervous.  Obviously or I would have known the diff between a trunk and a horn button.  As for Aretha......she was back in the car twice more before I left for the day.  Imagine a black cat jumping in your car window and precisely stepping on that one tiny red button.  Hey, before I saw the cat I thought it was my dad who passed away in June sending me a message......trying to tell me not to go to the dentist on Friday.  I am not kidding!  (I have to have a tooth extracted)  Dad gets blamed for a lot of strange things in my life such as bugs landing on me and so on.  I know better ( I think.)  Guess I have to go to the dentist.  So until a black cat crosses my path or jumps in my car, or my Dad lands on my shoulder as a butterfly........be well, be safe, be happy, and get rich so you can have a $3,000 tooth implant (or not.) 

Chewing Chinese Penicillin....... by Diane Ogden

Yeah I know this is awful!  And considering the title you have probably guessed what it is.   I was on the phone with a friend listening intently to a story he was telling.  I also had a multitude of my own stories on my mind.  After all its Sunday and tomorrow is a new work week besides the tooth I have to have extracted and the groceries I need to purchase and the schedules and emails, and the cat that needs to be declawed who I am unable to catch and put in a crate!  And so on.  Oh and the rest of the laundry and dishes. Cant forget that.  Back to my point.  I am listening (obviously not intently) and notice it is time for the second daily dose penicillin pill.I usually eat something before I take it so it doesn't upset my tummy, not that anyone needs to know that much information.  While still listening I grabbed some cheese from the fridge. Notice the apparently uneaten cheese above the eaten cheese still with teeth marks. eeww.

I tossed a small piece of string cheese in my mouth and then decided on a small piece of cheddar.  I barely recall tossing the penicillin pill into my mouth after the cheese.  Suddenly my tongue is sensing a horrific bitter taste.  It took me all of two seconds to realize what I had done! My brain immediately said, "Oh my God China medicine from Wal Mart...its gotta be asphalt or dried white paint dust or pure poison for sure!" At which point I began to drop it out of my mouth onto the counter top probably also from China.  I know I know I have china-itis. Well jeez I just found out Chicken jerky from China is killing dogs.  So I went to my dog / cat cupboard and sure enough all my duck treats etc are from China where they eat dogs anyway.  So I have heard. And no I am not a redneck but I did hear they eat dogs. Back to my story.  Look at that picture. You can see the other half of the asphalt white powder paint with a dash of penicillin in it lying in the midst of my cheese.  YUK!

Considering the horrible taste, I grabbed new cheese, opened a strawberry yogurt and downed it, got some water and SWALLOWED a new China pill!  I'm good.   So until my next fiasco or I run into someone or something funny, be well, be safe, be happy, and get rich so you can buy American Made Penicillin. 

Princess, Princess, Princess.... by Diane Ogden

A girl is never too old to wannabe a princess.  A girl is too old if she never figures out how to leave the MAN out of the Princess word/effect/syndrome/equation!  That would be the used to be wannabe princess me who has evolved to the place of watching Will and Kate and appreciating the true sense of the word Princess.  Although I cant say I didn't enjoy parts of  the wannabe royalty ride.  Princess Grace of Monaco was who I always wanted to mentor myself after.  Some would truly find some humor in that.  But then if it pulled me "back" from some of my generational curses from hell to a place of accidental acceptance in some circles....well then hoorah for The Princess Grace of Monaco Spirit!~   My Grandchildren "twins" and I went shopping yesterday and they begged for tiara's.  So they got tiara's from Hells Gate China (Wal Mart)! And they let Nana try one on...  How fun was that as well as it reminded me of all those times I got to play princess in life. Although I have learned to leave the man out of the plan.  I can be a princess or a queen in my robe with a tiara on and have peace to boot!  I love peace.....    So until I find another old memory or new man to try on, or something funny which Nana's wearing tiara's is. Be well, be safe, be happy, and get rich so it's easier.  I am rich, by the way. 

 

age 18

Age 30

Age 36

Age 40

Age 47

The Lights Went Out.....Only on the Guage I Needed....by Diane Ogden

This would be the dash of my Buick!  My Buick with a broken gas gauge as you can see on the right it reads YELLOW HELLO EMPTY!  So vs taking the dash apart at a fee of nearly $1,000 to fix that gauge, I opted to use the trip set.  Every 300 miles I fill it up again.  Suddenly the other day the lights went out on the digital trip set/mileage/Park Nuetral Reverse Drive 1 2 3 or something like that.  I cant even tell if I am in N or D!  And I cannot tell when I need an oil change.  So I ran over to Meineke and then the Auto Parts Store where a nice young man checked my fuses and then told me the digital "Died" in my dash.  Humm.  He said a back yard mechanic could by pass the gauge.  Huh? I said.  For now I will have to put gas in every few days.  How fun.  At least the price of gas wont seem as high as it really is.  I am kinda mad that particular light or digital died.  I could have lived easier without a speedometer, or the heat light.  But no the gear/mileage/tripset decided to croak.  Okay I'm fine.  It certainly could have been worse.....  Maybe I will just go and buy a new car.  Then again, maybe not.  No car payment is worth a lot of mental peace!  The old saying,
Why fix it if it isn't broke is an intelligent saying?  The Buick isn't broke, it is only wounded slightly so we're good, me and the Buick.  So until next time or I find something really funny, be safe, be happy, and be well, and for the sake of a good life, get rich so you can have working gauges in your car. Or so you can buy a new one.

Doctors, Lawyers, and Candlestick Makers.....by Diane Ogden

I have been in the service industry for many years. That means about five point five.  In that time I have accumulated some amazingly wonderful clients.  Many Physicians, Doctors of this and that, Scientists, Computer Program Engineers, Lawyers, a minister, a famous congressman, and even one that works with Michelle Obama...  I am an amazingly lucky human being.  I love observing people.  You see I gave up on the participating with human beings such as family and husbands and children because the "let down" is what I consider a badlife experience.  Now I make sure I am in "OBSERVE MODE" which means no drama.   And its fun.  Like sitting at the mall at the food court and watching the many faces of the many people go by.  And I mean that in wide terms. Or like making a Wal Mart run.  Oh la la nasty sometimes.  So what's my point?  I have taken serious notice during said observations that my Doctors are on some different level than my Lawyers and such.  The Doctors are down to earth.  Basic.  They do have a lot of cash flow but its used differently.  I have other clients who spend on hair, accessories, box wine, parties.  Others who are x hippies and don't use bleach, or any chemicals whatsoever which is great.  There are those who travel more than they are home. I see it all.  It is hard to explain how I see these wonderful people all on different levels of life on earth and I appreciate them all.  Yet the doctors seem to all be on the same plane / same playing field.  I am no Freud but looks like there might be something to this observation  VS the ones that like to play miniature Jersey Housewives.  Uh-huh...now your getting it.   I still like my imitation Atlanta/Jersey/L.A. Housewives hey comeon... they give me joy and some great ideas or dreams whichever, both are good.  But the docs give me hope!  They are real.  They are no flash, no fancy, they see life and death every day which makes them honor LIFE more and honor other human beings more.  They don't have the need for imitation anything.  (At least the clients I have and know.)  I am impressed! Not that I am not impressed with the non doctor clients believe me. I have the best of the best.   Thank you Universe.  So be happy, be safe, and be well until I find something else to chat about.  Oh and get rich so you can get some fancy flashy "stuff" as well as see a doctor and pay for it in case you don't work for some large corporation who mingles with another large corporation insurance company.  If you don't fit into the loop you in big trouble.  Today I was prescribed a small tube of creme which costs $175.00 which my insurance decided not to cover. I cant walk without it.  Not funny huh? I am laughing by the way.  Because I am one of the luckiest people on earth.  Just look at that list of clients. 

FIFTY SHADES OF GUS........ by Diane Ogden

So I had an appointment at my Gynecologist today due to some issues "down there."  You know in the private package area.  They told me I needed to have a private package ultrasound which meant they would use a "PROBE" to probe the area to view any abnormalities.  Sounded like an abnormal procedure to find abnormalities.  No matter what I thought it had to be done and so it was.  I was laying there watching Patsy (yes a woman) prepare for the test.  I found myself looking around at the equipment and noticed the name of the machine that was going to probe me is called GUS!  I said to Patsy, "So, the probes name is GUS huh?  A man?"  She started laughing and told me that was the abbreviation for the manufacturer.  Glutaraldehyde User Station.  I said, "Really, well no matter cause Gus and I are about to meet and on top of that I have to pay for GUS the user?"  And she continued laughing.  Well better Gus than Pretty Patty Probe for sure.  She asked me if I wanted to insert GUS.  Really?  Notsomuch Thank you, I have my own hello kitty "gus" at home.  And again she found herself laughing. I was not because GUS and I were now one and being watched.  Felt like 50 Shades of Gus.  Results:  ALSWELL as my nine year old license plate says. Although doc says the ovaries are shrinking.  I said, "Really, like shriveling up? He nodded. I said, "Don't laugh your shriveling day is coming to Doc."  So be well, be happy, be safe, and get rich so you can pay a real hot GUS to come be one with.  Nasty Nasty.....just kidding of course.

Where's the Dentist?

It would be easier for me to find a monkey to look into my mouth than a real board certified dentist these days.  Every one of them so far....... wants a full mouth x-rays that cost as much as a bad used car.  Then they want a treatment plan which cost as much as a new car.  Or here's a biggy!  You can go your city's covered stadium center and stand with approximately 5,000 people waiting to lay down in one of 300 pre set up reclining chairs to get minimal care.  Such as pulling that tooth you have been trying to find a dentist to save without paying him your life savings.  Do you get it?  Its POLITICAL!  The Dentist is now a corporation.  The Dentist corporation pays the Insurance corporation.  The only thing being built in my city is Health Care offices, Banks, and Insurance Companies.  They have a game plan and it is working.  Against me of course.  If I lived closer to the Mexican border I would cross it and get my TOOTH fixed for a reasonable amount.  Or if I could find a monkey, that might work too.  I can remember "the good ole days."  The days when you could charge milk and bread at the corner store for your parents.  When your dentist cared about your pain and fixed you and got paid a reasonable amount. When the doctor could spend some time with you vs 15 minutes/get out now! ! @ $175+.  When no one got sued for smiling wrong. And yadda yadda yadda.  It is what is!  Anyone know where I can find a monkey-dentist? 

Well until next time when I run into something funny, wrong, or life changing, be well, be safe, and be happy and for the love of God and the Universe and your teeth - GET RICH so you can pay the greedy bastards to fix your teeth.  p.s. Costs over $3,000 for one crown and implanted tooth.  ONE!!  And that's not a root canal which costs around $2,000.  ONE TOOTH.  GREED!  Simple Greed.

 Where have all the dentists gone, good time cleanings,

where have all the dentists, long time ago!

Who wrote that song?