DeRanged.....................by Diane Ogden

I actually have a better photo of this but I also have a "fever" and this one was the easiest to find today.   Not that I usually take the easy road because I do not.  I think I will start though.  Soo....   Every Halloween I let this bloody leg hang out of my trunk. This year I am in and out of my trunk so its on the passenger side.  It is quite the show stopper.  And each year I wonder if I might get pulled over by the local po-leece.  So far I have done this for some eight years and only lost one leg.  Luckily the local Halloween store had another for me. 
It brings joy to people every day.  Some walking, some driving, some standing and pointing....  but today I experienced a first.  I stopped at the library to pick up some books I had waiting for me.  I was leaving when an elderly woman, picture this now.....  brown short wig, hefty, wrinkled up stone faced and creeping toward my car pointing at the leg.  I laughed, she did not!  She started to walk away and then crept back toward my car and over to my drivers side.  Never a twinge of a smile or even a sneer, nothing!  I rolled down my window and smiled politely at Mrs. Stoneface.  She pointed at me and then toward the passenger side of the car and said, "Do you know you have a leg coming out of your car?"  I swear on all my relatives graves she said that!   I looked at her and said, "Yes I do."  She looked at me with such disgust I felt naked.  I backed up to get out of her range (de-rangement) when a van pulled in and a younger woman opened her mouth wide like she had seen a ghost.  That is when I thought to myself (what is wrong with these people?)  Like I was the sane one among the three.  Neither women laughed but rather found my Halloween humor distasteful.  They must have been from a religious cult. 
All in all 99 % find the leg hilarious....or at least something out of the ordinary day.  I do too.  It's when I forget its there and people are making all sorts of motions at me regarding it.  I eventually come to my senses and laugh with them. 
So until I find something interesting or funny, be well, be safe, be happy, and try not to act de-ranged!  Good God it is just a joke.  And get rich so you can put a bloody leg in a NEW CAR door!

See ya

Photo from http://thechubbychatterbox.blogspot.com    I know I know the brown wig is missing! 

Hairballs Hairballs Hairballs.......by Diane Ogden

That would be ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS worth of cat food that will hermetically break apart hairballs in the body of my cat that has OCD hairballs.  Some cats may have GAD hairballs, but mine has both.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder of the licking hair.  And Generalized Anxiety Disorder of the scared to death so licks the hair.  Result:   Cant poop!  Sits in litter box looking at me with those huge blue eyes and cries.  So I walk over and pet this cat like its a kid who needs to pueck which is what actually  happens due to hairballs in the belly also.  Poor kitty poo who cant poo.  And that is why I spent ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS to help correct this "tight" situation.  The food will last for and extended six months for sure.  I did get concerned today about where it is produced.  I mean I have had it with CHINA!  They killed my 19 year old cat on the last recall.  Now I hear they are killing dogs with their chicken jerky.  Sooo....I read each and every label.  IAMS is from Ontario, Canada.  Chicken Soup for Cat Lovers is from Meta, Missouri, Eukanuba is also from Ontario, Canada, and Purina One is fromVevey, Switzerland.   OMG....no china word in there anywhere.  That alone speaks cures for the purrs.  That and the $80 I just spent at Amazon.com for the Feliway plug in's that are "drugs in the air" to calm the felines.  Hoping they will be too drunk to lick anything.  Reminds me of an old Kris Kristopherson song where he wakes up in jail and his mouth tastes like he'd been lickin somethin sick and wrong.  Bingo.....that's what I am hoping for.  Drunk cats!  They will be healthy though.  A cat that cant poo is no good.  I do feel sorry for the other cat that can poo.  So far its okay.  No problems. No extra poo going on.  I give that one extra treats for having to deal.
Went to the local pet store today.  They informed me that are now changing over to all American made cat/dog/horse/sheep/etc. food.  Wow.  That is great news.  Maybe not as funny as me petting my cat while she is crying and trying to poo pebbles, but great news. 
So until I "run into" something funny or weird or entertaining...  Be Happy, Be Well (do not eat cat food or any food from China) Be Safe, (do not take any meds from China) and get rich so you can get a lawyer in case your cat or dog dies from tainted greedy American companies buying chinese animal food with poison fillers. 

Goosed in VietNam Down the Street...... by Diane Ogden

I stopped in at the VietNam nail place down the street for a fill on my nails and decided to get the second pedicure ever in me life!  They seemed to be getting busy so the person that usually does my nails gave me to his brother.  I think his brother hasn't done this so much and that is an understatement!  And I cant say I felt very comfortable with this fellow rubbing my legs and slapping them on occasion.  Oh and God forgive, I mean forbid, he reached up and turned on the massaging chair.  That was okay until suddenly something "goosed me!"   Oh yeah, goosed me a good three inches.  Thank God or whoever it was I was not sitting dead center on that chair or I may have acted like the Meg Ryan in Sleepless In Seattle. That would have been awfully embarrassing.  So I sat there getting the bottom of my bottom slapped, the middle of my body goosed, and the top of my body (brain) unsure if it was disgusted or trying to maintain control.  Finally it was over.  I was then escorted which I am sure was a sight considering my legs were like jello after the wonderfully horrible experience.  Now I am placed at the lite to dry my toenails and another lite above for my fingernails.  I was supposed to sit for ten minutes.  After 30 minutes none of my nails were dry.  No one knows why.  And no one had time to fix the problem. Personally I think he put oil on as a base coat thinking it was the base coat. So they kept putting more oil on my nails and sent me home.  You see the owners wife was being taken to the hospital to be induced considering she was 10 days overdue.  What had I gotten myself into?

Seriously, who gets a pedicure and goosed at the same time.  That's like going to the dentist and getting a pap smear.  S H U T U P! The worst part is when I woke up this morning my right big toe nail was crinkled and smeared from never drying.  And my fingernails were and are somewhat sticky.  I wont fix them because THEY OWE ME!   Boy do they owe me!  So until I get goosed by an electric chair again, or find something unusual to report, Be Happy, Be Safe, and Be Well...  and get rich so you don't have to ever have a chair handle your private end in public anyway.  ssshhheeesshh I never

Today we went ABOVE and beyond the call of duty!  We unscrewed a bathroom ceiling vent and as my helper held it down and brushed the mega dust off it..........."it" pulled itself (humm) away from it wiring.  Oh yeah!  I stood there starring up at her holding the vent and both of us looking at the exposed wires.  Not good.  While she was cleaning it I was saying, "Be careful of the wires , be careful of the wires."   After this happened I took the still dirty vent to the kitchen and cleaned it like new!  I emailed my client telling her to call maintenance and for Lordie sakes don't touch the wires.  Even though touching them would mean she would have to climb on a chair/ the toilet seat/ a step stool.  Still...... made me nervous.  What good is a sparkling clean vent that isn't hooked up.  Actually I left it proudly laying on the kitchen table.  What the hell was I so proud of?  We flippin broke it.  Some people are so into clean they cant see reality.  Me!  No I am not anal.  You know over the top on any one subject.

I have not heard from my client.  Maybe I should be the one to give a word to her first considering I started this mess.  I think I'm afraid.   Of what?  Going above and beyond the call of duty?
Not of those two wires coming apart and hanging out of the ceiling.  Sort of reminds me of cleaning a refrigerator and then suddenly it dies.  What good is that?  This is not a funny.  But then I betcha it will all turn out 100% wonderful because that vent was disgusting and maybe even dangerous.  Why it could have started its own little bon-ceiling-fire with all that lint to work with.  So we saved their lives and don't ever forget it.  Then again there are the whirlpool people tubs that need serious hot water and vinegar run through them for at least an hour to detox them so they don't kill someone.   Not funny huh?  I saw a license plate today that said, "ALSWELL."    It was mine!  And it is true.   So until next time I leave live wires hanging out of a clients ceiling, be well, be happy, be SAFE, and get rich so you don't have to deal with dirty bathroom vents. 

blanche devereaux.......by Diane Ogden

Okay so that is Blanche Devereaux.  Yupsie!~  And I am so sad at the death of her.  She is a part of one of my clients families.  God Darnit all anyway.  I am not sure of the lifespan of chickens.  But no matter its still darn sad.  I see those chickens every other week near the lake in Madison....next door to the lady hoarder whom I hope doesn't die before I do so I don't have to fight all those mice that will leave her house and head for my clients home...eeeww       I don't think Blanche was chopped off at the neck like my dad used to chop our chickens heads off after their egg laying days were over.  God forbid that should happen to us ladies. Humm well actually it does doesn't it?  We are considered over the hill when the ovaries shrivel up. LOL.  Let me tell you I can still move like a rock star even though those two almond shaped little shits are shriveled.  Thank God they did.  Cause I had enough of that mess.  Enough children to teach me about life, enough Grands to allow me the grace to teach em back....and parents passing so I can have a life of peace with all the above! So here's to you Blanche Devereaux and all the eggs you blessed my clients with.  God Bless your everlasting life!  So.....there ya go.  You don't get to hold the legs like I used to after daddy killer chicken held the Blanches down over an old tree stump and raised the hatchet in the air and then lowered it hard!!!   (Scream)  Then he would hand me the leg and show me how to pull the tendon so the chicken fingers would move back and forth.  Whoopie phoophie huh?  Not my bag of tea!  Then mother farmer would pluck all the feathers out of the body like skinning a, well a chicken.  It stunk for real........ smell bad.  Then she would gutt it out....pull all the insides outside and that really smelled amazing. NOT!   Then she would cook it and then can it.  You know, pressurize the body so it wouldn't spoil and put it in jars for later use. Like they do people before putting them in coffins.  eeww eeewew. Yup that is what would happen to Blanche Devereaux at the funny farm I grew up on.  And I don't like even killing a spider! It's bad KARMA.  How did I get born to that funny farm?  Who knows.  But I did. Someday I may know the reason.  In the meantime I do recall Regge Rooster and my Dad shooting him at the funny farm because he got toooo big for his bridges and tried to attack all of us!  Even my bestie dog.   So I guess this wasn't so funny but maybe enlightening.  So until I find something funny or interesting, be well, be safe, and be happy, cause no one is  chopping your head off!  And get rich so you don't think about what is really happening.  Like Blanche Devereaux's death ....  she gave a family good health and happiness while here on earth.  That is damn good stuff Blanche.  RIP old girl!