Burned Dinner................by Diane Ogden

 Yup this was to be my dinner yesterday.  I wasn't very hungry so I opted for a half a grilled cheese sandwich.  I bought this cute little cast iron pan for such dinners.  It is also good for one egg, one salmon Patty, or one burger.  So this was it's turn to make mama happy and make one half.  I turned the burner onto about 6 or 7, put the buttered bread and cheese on the baby cast iron pan and walked away.....
to put Bob in the carrier to go to the vet.  I should know by now I  cannot walk away from anything or I forget what I am doing.  And yes I am going to blame stress.  Yes Yes Yes. 
I put my coat on, grabbed my keys and Bob in his carrier, opened the door and left for the Veterinarian, with the burner on med high!!

Bob and I left around 4 and got back 45 minutes to an hour later.  When I carried Bob up the steps from the underground parking I smelled a burn smell.  FIRE smell ya know? Hello.  I wasn't too worried because it just never happens here.  I did think, what wiener was burning his dinner? Although my dang smoke alarm goes off when there isn't even a slither of grey smoke in site.  That said, I opened the apartment door and light grey smoke is all about the place. I mean all about the place!! My brain went into OMG there is a fire in here how will I get all my little critters out.  That would be my cat Lucy, my lil dog Gracie...My daughters cat LuLu, and the new BOB who I just sat down in the bedroom as my brain thought all these things in a nanosecond.  Sort of like now I know how life flashing before your eyes happens. When you die you are so friggin scared your dead brain and heart are still following  you like the chicken with his head cut off running around the funny farm...  Seriously!  I ran to each room looking for the fire.  No fire.  I hit the kitchen running and there it was.  What you see in the photos and no flames or big smoke rather light grey all over the place.  I tell you the truth.  This was a flippen miracle.  It has to be because Bob is blessed.  I was gone so long and that burner was not even on medium, but medium high. 

I swear my deceased Dad was blowing on that burner to slow her down.  Someone was!!!  No way to relay this in words. No way. I shall thank Dad or whoever before bedtime...  Not on my knees of course.  Charles (God) knows I cant get back up so good (well) once I am down.  Bless these burned out hips.

Really I think we escaped a fire or at least smoke damage.  I don't think Dad or Charles knows that wouldn't have been so bad if the pets didn't die anyway....  I could have collected enough insurance money to blow this pop stand and start over in Sante Fe where the spirits would love to see me comin!  I can hear them and they need to be heard. 

Sooo, be well, be safe, be happy, and get rich so you don't need fires or smoke damage $ to getcha where you wanna go!

Laters.....

Bob!...............by Diane Ogden

 My daughter called me last Sunday while visiting her Grandmummie at the funny farm where I was raised.  She was all excited and drama-ed out over a female cat someone dropped off out there about two months ago.  "Why cant people just be nice!"  This is obviously a house cat and this is Wisconsin in March not to mention this months two plus snowstorms.  The little girl had a gauge under his eye (she got real lucky on that one) and mites in her ears and a bad UTI. (Urinary Tract Infection)  How do I know this?  Well let me tell you how. 

I strongly suggested and recommended she, my daughter to leave the cat there at the funny farm and we will get some antibiotics from the Vet and Grandmummie dearest can put it in her food.  No more was discussed except that she came home with the cat in a carrier.  Might I also mention her other cat I have been babysitting for the past year and three months went totally ballistic.  Tried to attack my daughter and anyone or any thing near her.  She was pissed and carrying a load of anxiety ready to kill!  She was literally growling.  So new cat went behind daughters closed bedroom door.  I was rather angry to say the least. 

I started calling all around to see who might take her in.  P.S. I thought it was a her because daughter said she was about to have a litter and something long and pink and bloody was starting to come out.  SERIOUSLY!  That is a penis not a female cat birthing..... for God (or Charles) sakes.  And this cat has a bladder infection or is blocked up.  My brain is going Cha Chink Cha Chink Oh shitski! This should not be my problem.  But it was.  The emergency animal clinic quoted me $1,500 - $2,000 for surgery if a urinary blockage.  So I told the cat it couldn't die overnight.  Not on my watch please.   (Bob is not feeling so good in photo)

I called my vet early in the morning, stuck the cat into the carrier and off I went I think in hopes of free help for him all the while knowing that was not going to happen.  WHY ME?  Then I thought, oh stop it, it isn't cancer or shit like that.  So I shut up and drove onto the vets.  Wait, I thought of something else while driving there.  He has no name.  He has a penis.  Names came to me like Steve, (Steven Tyler) Fred, Sam, (Sam Champion GMA), and so on.  Then out of the universe sailed the word BOB!  My good friends Jim and Jackie Sullivan of Marco Island, Florida named their cat Bob Sullivan. So I said,  "Bob, Bob Ogden it is."  And then I started to laugh.  Its so perfect it funny. 

We arrive at the Veterinarian and they asked me if the cat had a name.  I perked right up proudly and said, "Yup, it's Bob, Bob Ogden."  And two of them started to laugh.  I don't know why but Bob makes people laugh.  They took him away and I went off to work trying not to think about the estimate I was just handed.

 During the day I rec'd two or three phone calls from the Vet Office about Bob.  The good news, no crystals, no surgery, no blockage but a roaring UTI infection and an injured area around the eye.  Each phone call I was told how much they love Bob. Everyone that meets Bob loves Bob.   I asked them to check Bob's ears and they forgot so today Bob and I trekked back to find out he also has mites.  AND so far the total is $350.00. Would you believe, yes you would. The TINY squeezie of eye ointment was $50 and the small amount of powder to be mixed with free water was $50.

Oh, and BOB HAS BALLS.  Yup.  Balls that have to come off.  And his poo needs to be checked for bugs.  ($28.00 hell of a deal because she loves Bob)  Not for the ball removal, no no, for the poo check.  And no charge today for the office call for mites cause they love Bob and because they forgot to do it the other day. 

Bob lets me give him his meds and never fusses. Bob lets me put ointment in his eye and never fusses.  Bob gets right in his carrier and never fusses.  That's my Bob!  When we walked into the clinic his Vet walked right over, squatted down, and said, "There's my cutsie petutsie!  I think Bob is blessed. 

Maybe Bob and I will go on the road.  Doing what?  I don't know, Bob makes people laugh and so do I....   We'll just set up on a corner and put a cup out there like the blind guy.  I 'll put an outfit on Bob.  Maybe I will sing a few tunes, tell a few stories.  Ya like really?  Not!  Hey Bob is blessed.  It'd work.

So I did a good deed...  Wonder what "cat KARMA" gives back.  I bet its good, cause hey, this is Bob we're talking about. 

Hey Be Safe, Be Well, Be Happy, and Be Blessed like me!  And for Charles sakes, get rich so you can also pay for heartworm check, vaccines, dental work and a range of other things Bob might need but can live without until.........  we put that cup out there.  LOL  Laters

The Little Mermaid.............by Diane Ogden

There is a photo of this mermaid or one similar to this photo at one of my clients homes. This mermaid photo was taken at DisneyWorld with two LITTLE CHILDREN sitting next to Mermaid and her bra.  Everytime I am at this clients home and I view this 4 x 6 photo of the mermaid lady in the bra with the children I just get a bit "this is wrong" in my head.  I have tried to understand to no avail.  I have googled the mermaid all of which comes up.... is the bra and the fin outfit.   Even wedding dresses named after the  mermaid design amounts to a full length fin with a built in bra, all the way up.  Not a low cut belly rubbing navel knocking purple shells covering boobs outfit. How is this cool for little boys and or girls to sit next to? It ain't normal.  How about lets do  a merMAN with a jockstrap or loin cloth sitting next to a little girl at Disney World so she can take home a 4 x 6 photo and look at it and recall it forever.  Sicko!  I am right! Imagine two children ages 4 and 5 sitting next to boobie fin lady.  Or better yet 9 -10 year olds.   yikes.  I suspect I am too old to appreciate near nudeness next to small children.  Seems anything goes these days. But not for me....just looking at the photo I posted of the girl that works or worked at Disney World and had her picture taken with thousands plus of children...  with her lil purple bra and skin abundant.  It just isn't right.  

Okay so that wasn't so positive huh?  Sorry but it was on my list to share.    And just for the record:  I watched Myrtle Manor (two posts back) and OMG it is not hardly one step up from Honey Boo Boo.  It was awful.  Not funny like I thought.  And I posted a pic of myself wanting to be on that show!  So So embarrassed.  My trailer court is like way above that nasty show.  I don't have a trailer court but if I did it would be a class act....what I watched was not even funny.  I didn't expect class but I did expect funny.  I didn't get funny, I got redneck roaches and dumb blonde's selling wieners on the beach.  OMG.   I could sell better wieners on the beach.  Just kidding!!

So until I find more funnies.... you all be safe and be happy, and well, and get rich so you can go to Disney World and have your picture made with a mermaid wearing a purple BRA!!  They need to fix that  I say>    Nite  

Ghost in Billy's life...........................by Diane Ogden

 

Billy is a fifty year old man from Vietnam.  Billy does my nails every few weeks.  Today Billy told me one of his life secrets.  He saw a Ghost when he was a 16 year old boy and he did see a Ghost.  He described her to me:   He was walking along and something made him look over by a certain tree....  there is where he saw the woman, a tall woman dressed in a long white gown with long white hair but no face.  She looked at him in her spirit and then ascended very quickly straight up to the top of the tree!  He was so scared he ran to the first house where he knew someone...The man looked at him and said, "You saw her, didn't you?  The Ghost? The Lady in White in the tree?  And I want you to listen to me and not go back there for at least one month."

Billy told me his face was near green the man said.....from fear.   Then he told Billy why he shouldn't go back near that site for at least a month...  His body has sustained such a traumatic exposure to that spirit of death he should stay away until he could  regain his own true spirit back.

 He told Billy she was an "scout" or over looker for the men in the dugouts/trenchesbunkers.  She would stay high up in the tree and signal them when the enemy was coming.......but one time the enemy dropped a bomb on all of them from a B-52 Bomber!  (I think that means us from the u.s.a)  He told me the bodies of 35 men died in that  bunker along with their lady scout. 

Obviously that was the Vietnam War;  He stated to me it was 1968. 

When he was telling me his story and the part about the lady in white came up ,  he raised his shirt to show me the "Goose (God) Bumps on his arm!

He also told me his Grandmother told him never to look into the trees when he was walking past...

He shared some facts with me about how many men died on his families land.....something like 350 men. 

He said many "sad of war" comments to me that I wont forget in my lifetime.  And believe me I cannot recall them all....

So until next time:  GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!   (Bless all the spirits left behind that they may find their way home)  Some do / Some dont!

















Photo from: http://vulpesbisonbisonbisonvulpes.wordpress.com/2010/06/18/dao-is-definitely-a-16-year-old-boy/

Thundercoat....................by Diane Ogden

Spring is near, Thunderstorms are just around the next clouds corner which means dogs and cats everywhere will be scared.  It's like the 4th of July every storm to these poor babies....  That being said, someone somewhere invented a straight jacket with no arms for dogs and cats.  So what about me?  I am afraid of thunderstorms.  Well sort of anyway.  So is there a jacket for me that is soothing swaddling and can reduce my anxiety and my nervous panting (fast breathing when the sirens go off) that can cause or contribute to the deadly bloat?

Now I know why I look ten pounds heavier after a thunderstorm....  I am bloated from breathing wrong... WHO KNEW?  I think I am going to get me one of those thundercoats and wrap my self in it as tight as I can.  That must be what keeps the dog and or me from breathing wrong....breathing hardly at all.  Then no bloat, and no anxiety because the dog and or me is trying so hard to stay alive by barely breathing meaning who has time for anxiety. 

Dang those sirens from hell.  They are worse then the FIRE - FIRE - FIRE  HONK HONK HONK BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP fire drills.  Both can save lives, but omg they make my brain feel like scrambled eggs and what is scary is that you cant un-scramble eggs.  So I better get a straightjacket and cut the arms out or a big dog thundercoat and give her a go.  I used to live in the South where tornado's were very prevalent and I was told I was born during a terrible storm.  Maybe that's what is wrong with me. 

Actually I am lying.  A little bit anyway. I respect storms but I get terrified when the sirens go off.
I could buy one of those ah ha bras two sizes too small.  Cheaper than a thundercoat.  Or I could buy a girdle and cut the crotch and legs out and pull it up to my armpits but that would leave my back open and that's a no go as I would still feel vulnerable.... Forget it!  I am not that scared and have survived several decades of storms, tornado's, floods, lightning, children, three husbands, and one really nasty guy.  I can do it.  But if you have a dog that is frightened by all means purchase a thundershirt.  P.S.  I am terrified of water  and that is the truth.  If I even see a photo of a high bridge over water my bladder that has its own brain leaves me in an embarrassing situation.  I avoid all photos of such things.   I have a dream to visit a few places but I guess I need a bladdercoat and a thundercoat to get through it all.  Or how about I just take a dang XANAX!  Of course I knew that.
I was just kidding.   Wonder where the word "kidding" came from in reference to a joke.  I would rather think the word kidding mean a goat birthing a kid.  (I am sure you are aware that a baby goat is called a kid, well you are now) And what is funny about that?  Nothing! 

Obviously I need to be more aware of my surroundings because there must be something funny or more interesting nearby.   

"Me"

"Me"

 

 

So this is "Me."  Not me, but "Me".....

I guess when children are in Kindergarden or is that kindergarten and or first grade they lay down on the floor and someone draws their outline/silhouette??  Beats me how they do it. All I know is that I was bestowed the "Me" several years ago which I hung on the back of my bedroom door where it has remained for five or six years.  That along with a vitamin chart that is probably all wrong after all these years and which I don't ever look at anyway. 

And for your information I sleep with a fan on and if I am not careful "Me's" leg starts flapping in the wind making a heck of a racket. That being said, I have to get back up from my sweet bed and blankets and secure "Me" and or move the fan.  I should know by now when that will happen and when not but I do forget "Me" is there much of the time.  And just so you know, "Me" is a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, talented, and sweet Granddaughter who is now twelve years old. Having "Me" (her)in my bedroom makes me feel good.   Below is "Me." "Me" several years later than the door silhouette me.....  So until I find something funny or interesting or just cute like "Me,"  Be Happy, Be Safe, Be Well, and get rich just for fun....or a vacation or a new "You."

 

 

Creamy Alfredo Accident...............by Diane Ogden

 

Creamy Alfredo Accident reenactment below:  I dug in the garbage and got the jar of Alfredo out and poured the old leftover dry coleslaw in the colander to retake the blurry boo boo photo I took last night. See below: (duh)

 

So why am I posting a photo of shredded cabbage and carrots with a bottle of Classico Alfredo and Lighthouse Cole Slaw Dressing sitting on the back of my sink?  Because I had the dry coleslaw in that white bowl ready to mix it all up with the dressing, which I did.  I was stirring it up when the aroma of creme drifted up into and or past my nasal passages which said to my brain, "Humm that smells like a dairy product and I am dairy intolerant so my brain and my nose knows.  I ceased all stirring and slowly turned my head back and forth viewing the air and counter in hopes of seeing something that might have caused this smell in my coleslaw I was readying to take with me to work tomorrow.  And there is was.  Yup.  There it stood all mighty and proud of itself for ruining my coleslaw and carrots.  I quickly grabbed the colander, shit I cant spell that....and dumped the Alfredo raw cabbage and carrots into it and started running cold water over it in great hopes of getting all the Alfredo off every piece.  Funny me huh?
That is when my daughter text me and said, "Mom go to your room and hide while I bring Karli (Granddaughter) in and put her to bed"  If she sees me she wont go to bed!  That is when I fell asleep and had no thoughts or dreams about Alfredo or Cole Slaw, (I did see my dead x husband in a dream,)  until morning when I saw them still sitting in the same place I left them the night before.  I had a momentary thought of continuing the rinsing process and then another momentary thought of laying in a hospital with E-coli or Salmonila and then death by stupidity.  That said, I dumped it all out. Stopped by the store today and purchased new bags of carrots and slaw.  We're good now.

So 'til next time I mix up something incorrectly or find something funny, be safe, be happy, be well, and get rich so you can have a cook, or order out every day, or pay for your daughter an apartment of her own so there wont be any unexpected jars of things you are allergic to in the refrigerator.  Amen