Esther's Hopeless Chest...............by Diane Ogden

( I have a friend I visit on occasion I call Esther.  I have changed her name to protect myself! And I have changed her husbands name and her dogs to also protect myself. These people never fail to give me great material.)

Today I visited Esther. It is never a dull or uninteresting time when I visit Esther. The Colonel saw me coming and made his exit out the back way! I do not know why except that Esther and I laugh far too much to suit The Colonel. In fact laughter makes The Colonel uncomfortable. He is a fairly grumpy human man when most of the time Esther is floating around in her rainbow dress and scarves and umbrella finding humor in most all things except him.

We were discussing a Hope Chest I happened to see in her spare room. I told her I remembered having a hope chest some years back. In fact three marriages back to be exact. Esther has had only two marriages to discuss.

 

She said, "What Hope Chest, I don't have a Hope Chest, in fact the only chest I have is the one that's given way to time and does me no earthly good except is too big for its own bra!" I laughed before telling her I meant the Wooden Hope Chest in her spare room. Then Esther laughed and laughed some more. I asked what was so darn funny. She said, "That's no Hope Chest, its my HOPELESS CHEST. Because there's no hope left for The Colonel and I and there never was any hope for the first one.

 

 I thought she was saving things for her Granddaughter in it, but Esther said no way would she pass on any more hopelessness to anyone of her offspring or theirs in any chest named hope when it wasn't true. Then we moved on to her dog Harry who had jumped up on the sofa and was sitting on her face. I said, "OMG Esther, is it clean?" She mumbled she thought so, so far anyway as I snapped a photo. Never a dull moment at The Colonel and Esther's house of hopeless chests.

 

So until I visit Esther again or find something interesting and or funny....  you know, be safe, be well, be happy, and get rich so you can either buy a real hope chest or get your old saggy one fixed!  Laters

FABIO...........................(NOT!) by Diane Ogden

 

I am going to buy this! Why not? Maybe because it has a train humm. Cant you just picture it: An 8 x 10 glossy of me walking around my living area with a train on my robe dragging behind me?
My cats would love it without a doubt, in fact they would destroy it within a week... yes they have nails. And there is no one to look at me in it except me and the animals. I could go get the mail in it I suppose. Or I could take the dog out and let it drag around on the cement and the grass. Heck I could wear that to the store. Dragging it through the isles cleaning the floors...little children would even stare.  Not that I need that or could even imagine it.
Not to mention folks with any sense at all would stare. Some might think I had been to a wedding. Some would think I was going out to a ball. Others would just stare in disbelief and awe. Maybe I would add a hat, nah. What sort of shoes would I add to my robe ensemble? Can you picture me pushing a luggy loud stainless steel cart in this gorgeous thang. All I would need to finish it off would be what's his name?? That guy that does butter commercials now. The one with the long hair on the cover of Romance novels. No I don't read those, Yes maybe I should so I wouldn't have these outlandish purchasing ideas. What is his name? F A B I O! eeewww. Maybe I wont buy it after all. I cant see it happening. Wont go with the car wash or the store or a movie or walking the dog or much of anything really. I could hang it on the wall... I really wanted this, it's so me without the Fabio butter guy. Actually I am into the Ford Man now. Not so sure he would go for this either. Unless I took it off of course. Guess I don't need it no matter how hard I try to have it.
And I really am not a person who requires so much attention. Although some is nice. With or without the robe.  Why would the robe-maker put a train on this robe?  Suppose it belongs in one of those huge Victorian homes in the small town somewhere.  But then so do I.  So until laters, be safe, be happy, be well, and get rich so you can buy a huge Victorian house to go with your new robe. 

Today I Saw a Wienie!..............by Diane Ogden

Today I saw a Weenie!

Today I saw a wiener. A real one! I was driving down Broadway on my way to a clients home when my eyes strayed to the right. I am a person that can drive and still see what is going on around me. That is not to say I can eat, talk on the phone, check my hair and makeup etc. But I do have excellent awareness of what is surrounding me. This little glance to the right turned into a longer look that I expected. There was a short balding man with a hip length blue jacket on that seemed to be doing something odd. He was  pulling up his three quarter coat with both his hands and exposing "something." I did the double take, which didn't really register in my brain until after the fact. Well it did but it didn't. Like did I really just see a man pull up his big winter coat so I personally could view a SMALL pink "thang" peering out of his pants like the very small cold pink thang it was. His slacks were dark so the lil pink thang was very easy to "SPOT." I started to laugh and speak out loud to my cars interior or whoever may be riding with me, in the spirit....I said, "What a stupid human being! Why if it were anything to look at I might have honked. But Lord sakes...a little pink wienie. I merged onto the highway trying to push the phone buttons on my new intricate smart phone. I thought to myself, "Should I call 9-1-1? Or a non emergency number?" Traffic was hectic, dangerous to be trying to find any number, so I dialed 9-1-1....only to get my cell phone carrier at 6-1-1. Oh Jeez, back to driving, dialing... I finally got 9-1-1. She said, "Where is your emergency?" I said, "Well, its not an emergency, but I'm in traffic so calling you was less dangerous than trying to find the non emergency number. I am calling about a stupid human being who just exposed himself to me on Broadway, of which I followed with a description. I was pretty amazed at my memory of this mans description. (not including the pinkie) I called a few friends and we had a hoot about it. Then I stopped at my dog trainers to visit. She has a little black daschound named "Wiener" who jumped up in my lap. I then looked at her and soberly said, "I saw a weenie today." And followed with my little tale (tail)... just kidding. Her eyes got really big and she said, "You mean you saw a real wienie?" I said, "Yup...and continued." When I was finished with my story, she calmly said, "Wow, today you saw and pink one and a black one!" ( her dog wiener and the lil pink man wiener)
I have been practicing the law of attraction using positive words. It started out with Thank God for money and love and kindness.....now its Thank God for keeping wierdo's away from me... Such as any sick human being man...needless to say, with a little weenie.

Be SAFE, be well, be happy, and get rich.  People listen to you better.  Laters

Chasing Ghosts................by Diane Ogden

 

I could have posted several more pictures showing where I have posted " dead people" all around my house, but you get it from these two. I love my dead people. They don't talk back, gossip about me, they never make me feel guilty, they also do not cost me a dime, they don't ask me to babysit, get them any groceries, help them work on their computer, (that's a joke), complain, get sick and need all sorts of help, or even bitch about anything in particular. Our Indian Ancestors among other ancestors told us we should honor our "dead people" because they take care of us. They even believed they took care of the land we live on. I say what if they get/got reincarnated and they are one of our neighbors. Well I am prepared for sure for my reincarnated ancestor neighbor to see I have his or her picture well displayed. I am safe! No family ghosts gonna have anything on me. Little interesting TRUE story:
At the luncheon after my Granddaddy's funeral in the 80's, his wife's niece Sandy, who he disliked a lot, was raising her wine glass as she said something "smart-mouth" of which no one can remember because at that exact moment her wine glass shattered with a brisk clang directly in her hand! Seriously! You could have heard a pin drop. It was my Granddaddy and everybody new it. He just didn't like her at all and he always got the last word. Dead or Alive! He is the top center picture in uniform in the black barn window frame. Sorry about the messy black paint but I couldn't find the razor blades to fix my paint overages....... You can see I have dead people displayed from floor to ceiling. And in my kitchen I have a 4 x 6 yellowish antique pic of my favorite G-ma and G-pa right next to the toaster. Eeewww do ya think that might be in bad taste?... like they are toast, gone. I also have them on a shelf right here next to my "puter desk." Hey they liked me so its a good re-memory! Another one of my own words? Another short TRUE story:
 Once when I was going to marry and shouldn't have, that very picture flew off the wall. It was hanging over my bed. Yup truth! So I watch for that picture to fly off if I have any big decisions going on. Really. Or maybe I just don't have the art prints I want yet. I wouldn't want my dead people to hear that, nor do I want my wine glass to burst, so sssshhhh!
So until I find something interesting or funny, be safe, be well, be happy, and get rich just for fun.

Chairman Bob...............by Diane Ogden

 

Who is this Bob? He calls himself Chairman Bob no less! Narcissistic Bob?  Seriously... He has his picture printed on millions of grocery bags and God only knows how many States Roundy's Stores serve the public in. He looks like a wannabe Frank Sinatra night club singer doesn't he? Maybe he needs a curl hanging down or bangs. All I know is I bring Bob home with me every week from the store. He offers me nothing. No reminder of anything. No advertising of any food or drink or product of any kind or even circus tickets printed on he's bags. Nope just Bob on the bag! At my house Bob hangs out between the refrigerator and the wall until I need he's bag and then I throw recycles at him. In another Bob bag I throw garbage at him. Sometimes he goes to Goodwill full of goodies. Bob, Bob....what do you want? So the bag says you, Chairman Bob APPROVED. Of what Bob? Yourself? I think so....... I did notice is says in very small print below the very large print where they could advertise, that Bob approves of Roundy's products. Very small print. CHAIRMAN BOB is in large print in red! We know who Bob approves of don't we?  BOB! Also the arrows at the top of the bag say, "Hold with both handles." That's so you don't drop BOB and mess him up. (I'd like to mess up that hair. Reminds me of Blogdonavich and look where he ended up)  Be nice.  I am.  I am just blown away by the Roundy's Chairman Bob's love of himself.  Would be interested to know the whole story on Bob.  Do notice the thumb's up he is giving you about him. 
So until I find someone else to pic on or notice similar arrogance.  (Be nice,) be safe, be happy, and get rich so you can have your face printed on bags with a thumbs up for whatever you chose cause you are the Chair-MAN! p.s. Every item in Roundy's stores are $1.00 more per item then most anywhere else.  I say he is Bob the Robber.  He cant sue me can he?  LOL chitola that be bad. Do we still have freedom of speech or has congress stopped that too?

Little Running Hiney & Bob.............by Diane Ogden

Sooo....  Bob got scared.  You know Bob the transient feline boarder that I pay for.  I know it is supposed to be the other way around.  If a person has a boarder/renter they pay you.  Nope not Bob.  He was presented to me by my daughter who said, "But Mom he is sick and needs help." She found him at the funny farm where I was raised.  I also found one there four years ago and that one has OCD of the major sort. Hell I lived there and I have OCD and PTSD and so on.  She runs her eyes around every object she looks at and prowls the house like a lion in self defense mode.

I told myself that time I would never take in another abandoned child, man, or animal again.  They are trouble.  From now on it would be only pure bred men, animals, and no children.  What happens? My daughter moves in with her small child, she brings an abandoned animal.... and for the record I turn my head from every man I see within a mile.  What's my point?  Bob got scared.  My daughter decided to vacuum her room.  I told her to put him in the bathroom but she didn't. The vacuum scared him so badly. And she let him out of the bedroom and put my two in my bedroom thinking Bob needed some space.  NOT!  I said, "No No!  He wont be happy in the bedroom anymore and he needs to get well.  Plus he will smell the other cats which he did.  He went directly to their litter box and stayed there.  My daughter decided I might be right. Imagine that.  She put him back in the bedroom and ever since then he has been either spraying or peeing.  I live on piss island.  It is a total nightmare.  The odor is so strong even I am blown away.  So the carpet man is coming tomorrow with enzyme spray.  Then back on Monday to shampoo.  I  wonder what that will cost?
I left for work happy to leave until and dropped my Samsung Galaxy II right out of my hand onto ass'fault!!   It was the ass phaults fault my screen shattered.  I tell you I was so not happy...  Got into the clients home and rec'd an email (phone still works) that said my bank statement was ready.  That made my almost senile brain say to itself. "When is that credit card bill due again?"  It is a new card so I had almost forgotten to pay.  I called the bank....they wouldn't pay it for me by phone but gave me a # to call to pay it.  I called it and that kid didn't even ask for any security info.  But it was due TODAY as my mind suggested it might be and I paid it.  Then the Vet called and it was time to take Bob back in for his second dose of ear mite chemicals.  And guess what?  One more test to see if he had a certain parasite we could get.  Oh just great, worms.  Don't I just need worms.  NOT!  Not to mention the four books I purchased for my son (the one in prison) never arrived.  They only take books from the publisher at a great cost vs booksellers at Amazon. 

Okay so I finish my work day, run home, pic up Bob, text my Granddaughter who works at US Cellular and tell her the phone works.  Maybe I don't want to pay the $100 charge for a new one. That is above the cost of my monthly insurance in case I drop the dang thing on ASS FAULT!!  Now I know why they named it that.  Anyway, she says to get a screen cover and phone cover.  So I go to the corporate store next to the Vet. Leave Bob in the car.  Ask about a protector screen after showing that nice young man the cellophane wrap I improvised with.  He said they had ONE left.  It was $20.00.  I said, fine, Bob has cost me $400 and we aren't done with the carpet yet.  He said, "What?"  I said, "Bob, the cat in the car, don't ask!"  He didn't.  So while he was attempting to put the sticky screen on my partially shattered phone glass front, I asked him if he knew my Granddaughter who works at U S Cellular.  He said, "What's her name?"  I said, "Little Running Hiney, after her honorary Indian Chief Great Grandfather and her Norwegian Great Grandmother Mathilda Hiney..  Little Running Hiney. But she goes by Briana Rowe."   The kid was laughing so hard he had to take the phone to another station to finish it.  Actually I found it comical myself. 
I am back home with my gas mask on.  Candles burning.  Vinegar spray bottle ready for full pursuit of urine island.  Charles (God) help me please.  I don't need the rains to come until I get this under control.  Humidity doubles feline urine odor.  And Charles (God) dont let anyone come to where I live until I have this fixed.  Amen.  Peace be to Bob, Peace be to LuLu, Peace by to Gracie and Peace be to ME!!!  I think that is what my Lutheran Pastor used to say or close to it. Oh yea, he was ad in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  Amen.  I forgot to tell you.  While I was parked outside the Vet Clinic waiting to go in, a man came walking out carrying a huge dog crate. He walked between his SUV and my simple BUICK and hit the passenger side of my Bad Buick with his huge dog crate.  I turn and looked, then caught him in the side mirror.  He quickly turned to probably say he was sorry.....but stopped dead and starred into my back seat where I have all the products I use for work. ( Must have appeared as though I was living in it, well not that bad!)  And he then turned away like it was okay to hit the old girl and not say sorry.  Like she was not worthy cause of her age.  Ass a mundo man.  I know I have the oldest car in the underground but I also have the only one paid for I betcha. 

So, until the next Vet visit, or I find something interesting or funny, be well, be happy, be safe, and get rich for about a thousand reasons.  One being new carpet? 

The Old Outhouse.................by Diane Ogden

 

OK so this little outhouse has been there for fifty years plus... I used it!! In fact when I was in high school this is all we had besides a five gallon bucket for mid night emergencies. It was truly awful. We had no running water for baths either.
Over the years, that is after we got normal bathrooms with bathtubs and flushing toilets! Can you imagine ?? Me either anymore, yet the memories remember!
Everyone who ever used the outdoor privy signed in by writing on the inner walls of that outhouse of which I was afraid to open the door to take a pic of in case....... the darn thing might have taken a dive on me literally.
I don't like shit pits as you all know from previous blogs. And holding any of them up with poles is funny to me. But what would I do if I really needed to use that privy outhouse? Would I chance the poles giving way? What if no one was home? Oh shit!
I love puns or whatever you call that one.