Government Clips or "Chips?".................by Diane Ogden

I have heard that the government, or China will be putting identification chips in our bodies at some point in the future.  Why my health provider now scans the veins in my hand before they let me in the office doors.  What is wrong with my face and drivers license and other such ID.  No, now they are scanning me.  I have had this secret fear I was chipped during my sleep.  Or while I had a medical procedure possibly.  And now I know it's true.  And to top it off they gave me a photo after they did it.  They think because they call it a clip I don't get it?  I get it alright, its really a chip that is programmed to exterminate me at a certain time.  They have my bank records and if I do not have over $250,000 income a year I shall be exterminated at a given day in time.  I know I'm right.  Just look at it. It is big enough to hold all my information since birth.What if its ALUMINUM? That causes cancer. Ten dollars says its from China and made of aluminum and nickle. OMG! 

 

Let me explain:  That is a photo of my recent medical procedure at which time they overdosed me so they could implant this killer chip.  It also tells them where I am at all times.  Damn thing has GPS.    I could be wrong but I don't believe so.  The only other explanation is that aliens have infiltrated our entire country through the Insurance Companies on down through all medical facilities, hospitals and doctors offices.  They have reprogrammed chips to fit on all supplies such as staples, probes, ear tubes, contact lenses, tampons, etc. Anything to be placed internally in humans, and have also been placed microscopically on all instruments used to enter human beings through all orifices of the body.  They know our every move. 

 

There are only a select few humans that are aware of this takeover but they have been programmed not to speak of it.  If they do they will incinerate immediately when out of sight of other humans.  That is what all the black cinders are that you think are just black cinders.  They are really human beings that tried to stop this insanity.  The only way to remain free of the alien chips is to never go to the dentist, doctor, or tattoo artist. It's too late for me, but maybe not for you.

 

I was actually joking about this.  I decided to google alien chips in humans and was aghast at how many google pages there are regarding this.  Some people really believe this to be true.  Jeezers People!  I was just joking I thought.  Maybe I was abducted the other day and drugged and chipped.  So if I disappear just look for a little black cinder with one shiny aluminum chip laying somewhere private.  Like a beach or my underground parking ramp.  Just don't step on me, I have had enough!  So until I uncover something enlightening or funny or happy, be well, be safe, be happy, and get rich so you can???   Be happy even with the alien or Chinese aluminum chip in your orifice.     

Colonoscopy and The Full Moon................by Diane Ogden

Well today was interesting to say the least. Not to mention last night after drinking the gallon of salt solution that left my ass foaming. That could have been from the one shot of Blended J&B Scotch I downed at 11:00 p.m. last night. Hey, I couldn't sleep. But that part of this ordeal (notice I say or-deal as a deal is something good, this was an OR notsogood deal) is over and as I walked outside at 6:00 a.m.to get into Jackie's new huge SUV touch tone everything, all the while knowing my paid for Buick in the underground was probably so beyond Jealous that I shall have to make it up to her somehow. Jackie, my friend of 30 years, from Florida was home for a visit. She was so nervous about getting me there on time that she came an hour early. I told her, Hell we have enough time to get to Rockford. Of course she laughed. That is when I noticed the full moon. I absolutely froze in my early morning tracks. I never do medcial appointments during a full moon. No never. You can die by bleed out from doing that. Hey my anxious button was in overdrive today. I saw the parking ramp caving in on us and rubble everywhere. When Jackie pulled into the parking slot (I could see the sky) I was sure we were going thru it and down to death.) But here we were heading for the dreaded poop shooter, alias, the Silver Stallion dreaded scope review. Of which I informed the doctor I had a different vision of what a Silver Stallion is. I told him/them that in my day, which means youth before butt scoping needs, I think they used to call Sylvester Stalone "The Italian Stallion." You know, Sylvester Stalone? The YOUNG doc just stood there looking at me.  I said, "Have you heard of  Arnold Swartzaneger?  Which of course broke the room into laughter. All except me who was staring at a syringe of something setting on a tray nearby.

I asked what is in the syringe, and she said, Benedryl. I told her I don't do so well taking taht family of drugs.... but she shot it into me anyway. God they know when they can do whatever they want. I'd say this was one of those when times. Oh and they told me I could leave my socks on.

What? They don't know how many days I have worn those socks,or where they have walked, or what is on the bottoms of the. Made no diff and so socks went with me into the rotor rooter room. Just think, those socks that could have been dirty full of germs were two feet from my ass.. Jeez. And I had gotten a beautiful little flower painted on my big toe nails just to make them all happy while they "did my ass," but they said no leave your socks on. I said, "No,wait, the flower, W A I T....." And that is when they gave me the dose of fentynol and something else and Benedryl. People.....I don't take

more than a 200 mg. Ibuprofen and that is on occasion. HELLO... And then in a nanosecond I am gone with the full moon.

I wake up. No I don't wake up exactly. I open my eyes a little. Jackie tells the nurse in a loud anticipatory skinny skriek. "SHE'S AWAKE!" (Like I had been in a coma for months) Nurse comes in quickly as I suspect I have taken up one of their expensive move em in move em out beds for sleeping too long. Jackie told me she never saw anyone so out of it. Well I never felt so out of it either. They hustled me out of there on Jackie's arm. Jackie is the size of a fairy, which I told her while under the influence of fentynal, she could use an extra twenty pounds easy. Seriously. My Grandfather would have loved her.... He used to sing this little Popeye song that fits her to a T.

"I love to go swimming with bowlegged women

I'm Popeye the sailor man!"

Jackie has enough room between her legs for a mac truck to drive home, I mean through.

That would be Jackie. She might weight 85 pounds wetted down. Back to my point. We drove out of that place, me in a drug induced state and her trying to see over the steering wheel of the hog SUV she rented. S C A R Y!

She stopped and got me a Whopper and fries. I recall eating two fries and two bites of the burger. Do not remember getting into the SUV honker at the hospital/stockyard. (Or even getting out of at home.)

Finally Home...Fairy sized person walked me straight to bed with my clothes on and I was GONE with the wind! (The gases one gets from the air expelled into the colon from the silver stallion, now renamed, Black Stallion probe) And that is straight from the "horses" (doc's) mouth. That was 11:30 and I woke up at 3:30, still dizzy and drunk on something. I ate part of the rest of

the burger and limp fries, which I wished on that doctor (the limp part) for overdosing me when I specifically told them how sensitive I am to drugs. He was very handsome fellow by the way. So if anyone had to go up my, ass, I guess he would do just fine.

I only hope I didn't talk during because the procedure as I am liable to say anything. Why, because I had an audience. Everyone was laughing from the time I arrived until the drugs went into my vein at which time it was, bye bye birdie!

I have had many procedure's similar to this. None have I ever felt so "shitty." Actually I have no "shitty" left so that means I have never felt so just plain awful. I don't mean to complain, but I was looking forward to the vein injection due to past good experiences from said same. I was anticipating the best sleep I've had in months.  Notsomuch!

And I want cake and I cant even drive to get any. I wouldn't dare drive. I can hardly turn in my computer chair. Dizzy-Doris!

So they found two polyps and took them from me. They are being sent by courier or runner to some lab for cancer screening.

So here I am. Sitting in the lil apt. unable to walk far, and no cake. Hey, at least my ass has stopped foaming. Poor thang. (That was probably from the full moon ) My bad or not checking on that! Certainly not from the shot of Scotch. Okay so shot and one half.

I a deep breath, and then again. I survived the 2013 fentanyl/fentynal/midozolam conscious sedation procedure. What am I thinking?  (Assholes loud and clear!) I noticed they all had banker suits on vs health care. Anesthesiologists cost too much. Nurses don't. I have been cut! I had been reduced to one of the herd who got branded like a cow. I tried to turn and look in the mirror to see if they had branded me ass, or put a chip in me anywhere. No numbers on my forehead. Guess I'm safe. Yet I know they were watching... You know the ones. ( Congress) Bet they get an anesthesiologist.

So until my next procedure or I find something funny or interesting. Be safe, Be well, Be Happy, and GET RICH so you can rent an anesthesiologist the next time some cute doctor wants to play Sylvestor Stylone up your ass. Just kidding! Laters

Esther's Hopeless Chest...............by Diane Ogden

( I have a friend I visit on occasion I call Esther.  I have changed her name to protect myself! And I have changed her husbands name and her dogs to also protect myself. These people never fail to give me great material.)

Today I visited Esther. It is never a dull or uninteresting time when I visit Esther. The Colonel saw me coming and made his exit out the back way! I do not know why except that Esther and I laugh far too much to suit The Colonel. In fact laughter makes The Colonel uncomfortable. He is a fairly grumpy human man when most of the time Esther is floating around in her rainbow dress and scarves and umbrella finding humor in most all things except him.

We were discussing a Hope Chest I happened to see in her spare room. I told her I remembered having a hope chest some years back. In fact three marriages back to be exact. Esther has had only two marriages to discuss.

 

She said, "What Hope Chest, I don't have a Hope Chest, in fact the only chest I have is the one that's given way to time and does me no earthly good except is too big for its own bra!" I laughed before telling her I meant the Wooden Hope Chest in her spare room. Then Esther laughed and laughed some more. I asked what was so darn funny. She said, "That's no Hope Chest, its my HOPELESS CHEST. Because there's no hope left for The Colonel and I and there never was any hope for the first one.

 

 I thought she was saving things for her Granddaughter in it, but Esther said no way would she pass on any more hopelessness to anyone of her offspring or theirs in any chest named hope when it wasn't true. Then we moved on to her dog Harry who had jumped up on the sofa and was sitting on her face. I said, "OMG Esther, is it clean?" She mumbled she thought so, so far anyway as I snapped a photo. Never a dull moment at The Colonel and Esther's house of hopeless chests.

 

So until I visit Esther again or find something interesting and or funny....  you know, be safe, be well, be happy, and get rich so you can either buy a real hope chest or get your old saggy one fixed!  Laters

FABIO...........................(NOT!) by Diane Ogden

 

I am going to buy this! Why not? Maybe because it has a train humm. Cant you just picture it: An 8 x 10 glossy of me walking around my living area with a train on my robe dragging behind me?
My cats would love it without a doubt, in fact they would destroy it within a week... yes they have nails. And there is no one to look at me in it except me and the animals. I could go get the mail in it I suppose. Or I could take the dog out and let it drag around on the cement and the grass. Heck I could wear that to the store. Dragging it through the isles cleaning the floors...little children would even stare.  Not that I need that or could even imagine it.
Not to mention folks with any sense at all would stare. Some might think I had been to a wedding. Some would think I was going out to a ball. Others would just stare in disbelief and awe. Maybe I would add a hat, nah. What sort of shoes would I add to my robe ensemble? Can you picture me pushing a luggy loud stainless steel cart in this gorgeous thang. All I would need to finish it off would be what's his name?? That guy that does butter commercials now. The one with the long hair on the cover of Romance novels. No I don't read those, Yes maybe I should so I wouldn't have these outlandish purchasing ideas. What is his name? F A B I O! eeewww. Maybe I wont buy it after all. I cant see it happening. Wont go with the car wash or the store or a movie or walking the dog or much of anything really. I could hang it on the wall... I really wanted this, it's so me without the Fabio butter guy. Actually I am into the Ford Man now. Not so sure he would go for this either. Unless I took it off of course. Guess I don't need it no matter how hard I try to have it.
And I really am not a person who requires so much attention. Although some is nice. With or without the robe.  Why would the robe-maker put a train on this robe?  Suppose it belongs in one of those huge Victorian homes in the small town somewhere.  But then so do I.  So until laters, be safe, be happy, be well, and get rich so you can buy a huge Victorian house to go with your new robe. 

Today I Saw a Wienie!..............by Diane Ogden

Today I saw a Weenie!

Today I saw a wiener. A real one! I was driving down Broadway on my way to a clients home when my eyes strayed to the right. I am a person that can drive and still see what is going on around me. That is not to say I can eat, talk on the phone, check my hair and makeup etc. But I do have excellent awareness of what is surrounding me. This little glance to the right turned into a longer look that I expected. There was a short balding man with a hip length blue jacket on that seemed to be doing something odd. He was  pulling up his three quarter coat with both his hands and exposing "something." I did the double take, which didn't really register in my brain until after the fact. Well it did but it didn't. Like did I really just see a man pull up his big winter coat so I personally could view a SMALL pink "thang" peering out of his pants like the very small cold pink thang it was. His slacks were dark so the lil pink thang was very easy to "SPOT." I started to laugh and speak out loud to my cars interior or whoever may be riding with me, in the spirit....I said, "What a stupid human being! Why if it were anything to look at I might have honked. But Lord sakes...a little pink wienie. I merged onto the highway trying to push the phone buttons on my new intricate smart phone. I thought to myself, "Should I call 9-1-1? Or a non emergency number?" Traffic was hectic, dangerous to be trying to find any number, so I dialed 9-1-1....only to get my cell phone carrier at 6-1-1. Oh Jeez, back to driving, dialing... I finally got 9-1-1. She said, "Where is your emergency?" I said, "Well, its not an emergency, but I'm in traffic so calling you was less dangerous than trying to find the non emergency number. I am calling about a stupid human being who just exposed himself to me on Broadway, of which I followed with a description. I was pretty amazed at my memory of this mans description. (not including the pinkie) I called a few friends and we had a hoot about it. Then I stopped at my dog trainers to visit. She has a little black daschound named "Wiener" who jumped up in my lap. I then looked at her and soberly said, "I saw a weenie today." And followed with my little tale (tail)... just kidding. Her eyes got really big and she said, "You mean you saw a real wienie?" I said, "Yup...and continued." When I was finished with my story, she calmly said, "Wow, today you saw and pink one and a black one!" ( her dog wiener and the lil pink man wiener)
I have been practicing the law of attraction using positive words. It started out with Thank God for money and love and kindness.....now its Thank God for keeping wierdo's away from me... Such as any sick human being man...needless to say, with a little weenie.

Be SAFE, be well, be happy, and get rich.  People listen to you better.  Laters

Chasing Ghosts................by Diane Ogden

 

I could have posted several more pictures showing where I have posted " dead people" all around my house, but you get it from these two. I love my dead people. They don't talk back, gossip about me, they never make me feel guilty, they also do not cost me a dime, they don't ask me to babysit, get them any groceries, help them work on their computer, (that's a joke), complain, get sick and need all sorts of help, or even bitch about anything in particular. Our Indian Ancestors among other ancestors told us we should honor our "dead people" because they take care of us. They even believed they took care of the land we live on. I say what if they get/got reincarnated and they are one of our neighbors. Well I am prepared for sure for my reincarnated ancestor neighbor to see I have his or her picture well displayed. I am safe! No family ghosts gonna have anything on me. Little interesting TRUE story:
At the luncheon after my Granddaddy's funeral in the 80's, his wife's niece Sandy, who he disliked a lot, was raising her wine glass as she said something "smart-mouth" of which no one can remember because at that exact moment her wine glass shattered with a brisk clang directly in her hand! Seriously! You could have heard a pin drop. It was my Granddaddy and everybody new it. He just didn't like her at all and he always got the last word. Dead or Alive! He is the top center picture in uniform in the black barn window frame. Sorry about the messy black paint but I couldn't find the razor blades to fix my paint overages....... You can see I have dead people displayed from floor to ceiling. And in my kitchen I have a 4 x 6 yellowish antique pic of my favorite G-ma and G-pa right next to the toaster. Eeewww do ya think that might be in bad taste?... like they are toast, gone. I also have them on a shelf right here next to my "puter desk." Hey they liked me so its a good re-memory! Another one of my own words? Another short TRUE story:
 Once when I was going to marry and shouldn't have, that very picture flew off the wall. It was hanging over my bed. Yup truth! So I watch for that picture to fly off if I have any big decisions going on. Really. Or maybe I just don't have the art prints I want yet. I wouldn't want my dead people to hear that, nor do I want my wine glass to burst, so sssshhhh!
So until I find something interesting or funny, be safe, be well, be happy, and get rich just for fun.

Chairman Bob...............by Diane Ogden

 

Who is this Bob? He calls himself Chairman Bob no less! Narcissistic Bob?  Seriously... He has his picture printed on millions of grocery bags and God only knows how many States Roundy's Stores serve the public in. He looks like a wannabe Frank Sinatra night club singer doesn't he? Maybe he needs a curl hanging down or bangs. All I know is I bring Bob home with me every week from the store. He offers me nothing. No reminder of anything. No advertising of any food or drink or product of any kind or even circus tickets printed on he's bags. Nope just Bob on the bag! At my house Bob hangs out between the refrigerator and the wall until I need he's bag and then I throw recycles at him. In another Bob bag I throw garbage at him. Sometimes he goes to Goodwill full of goodies. Bob, Bob....what do you want? So the bag says you, Chairman Bob APPROVED. Of what Bob? Yourself? I think so....... I did notice is says in very small print below the very large print where they could advertise, that Bob approves of Roundy's products. Very small print. CHAIRMAN BOB is in large print in red! We know who Bob approves of don't we?  BOB! Also the arrows at the top of the bag say, "Hold with both handles." That's so you don't drop BOB and mess him up. (I'd like to mess up that hair. Reminds me of Blogdonavich and look where he ended up)  Be nice.  I am.  I am just blown away by the Roundy's Chairman Bob's love of himself.  Would be interested to know the whole story on Bob.  Do notice the thumb's up he is giving you about him. 
So until I find someone else to pic on or notice similar arrogance.  (Be nice,) be safe, be happy, and get rich so you can have your face printed on bags with a thumbs up for whatever you chose cause you are the Chair-MAN! p.s. Every item in Roundy's stores are $1.00 more per item then most anywhere else.  I say he is Bob the Robber.  He cant sue me can he?  LOL chitola that be bad. Do we still have freedom of speech or has congress stopped that too?