I'll Never Tell..............

The Stink From the Dollar Store..................by Julianna Rowe

I get up early, fix my lunch, take the dog out, not in that order.....do a resurrection on my face, dress....watch the awful news....check facebook of course.... emails and whatever else pops up. 
I pack my "Grannie Cart" with supplies for the day, the lunch bag, purse, and possibly a garbage bag that needs taking out, lock the door, open the elevator........Oh My Gawd!   It's bad enough when someone passes inner air...(farts) in an elevator then gets out and leaves it there for the rest of us! Not to mention someone else gets in and thinks I or YOU did it!  But this was worse.  Farts don't take my breath away, well maybe they do depending on how much Mexican Food you have devoured the previous day.  So do farts take my dogs breath away?   (I don't  think so, but of course I don't do that in front of my dog anyway).  Sure, right, Rita!

I surveyed the area thinking the cleaning people may have used some new "crap" from the Dollar Store when cleaning the elevator!   Hey when you/me have had over a 1/3 of my/your lung removed Dollar Store products are NOT on the list of good for me stinks.  And this stunk. 

I come home from work that day eight plus hours later.  Pack my "Grannie Cart" at my vehicle with the groceries I purchased along with a bottle of DeWar's Scotch as it had a $5 coupon off until the 30th.  Walked to the elevator, pushed the UP bottom and when the door opened there it was again!  A gallon of febreze must have spilled or the cleaning people purchased from the Dollar Store.  I pulled my shirt up over my nose and mouth so I could continue living till the dang electric box elevator got me to floor ONE.  I escaped alive.  Unlocked my apartment door and entered only to see my little dog begging to go outside as usual.

I picked her up and we headed for the entrance of the apartment building.  Opened the final door and got hit with the gallon of FEBREZE from Mexico or China immediately AGAIN.  And there sat the culprit.  A 93 year old man that lives on 3rd floor and grumbles about everything all the time.  But this day he was grinning happily.  My little dog was sneezing over and over and I was dying! 

The old man smiles as he holds up a black bottle and says, " Can you smell my cologne? I been spraying it all around."   (Yes you have been you dear sweet old fellow.)

I responded, "Yes it is amazing!"  (I wanted to say NO SHIT SHERLOCK! But of course I did not.) Bless his Gosh Awful stink.  He was so proud.

He said he was waiting for his girls to come and witness the changes in his WILL.  I smiled as I opened the outside door to the building hoping to relieve myself and my dogs lungs of a sure death on the spot occurrence.  Jeez I didn't know when you got old your smeller went too!!  He obviously couldn't smell his overload on small town apartment USA.

We go outside and my little dog continued to sneeze for a half a block at least.  I shall Pray the old fellow stops spraying the elevator and front entry or maybe I will pray he drops it in his third floor apartment and it breaks.  I just remembered he has a fancy little red sports car which means he would just go buy more.  I guess I wont pray about it after all, I will just give it to God and hope for the best like I do everything anymore.  Once you have had cancer that's what "cha" do.  Guess come to think of it the smell wasn't so bad as having part of a lung removed.  I'm good. Thanks for listening.

True Hilarious Mom Burnout/Breakdown ........................by Julianna Rowe

I wrote this in the 1900's and happen to find it when I was cleaning out some old paperwork yesterday.

DAILY               WEEKLY         MONTHLY      TRUE HILARIOUS MOM BURNOUT    1992

call Marie or write                      Watch Joyce - Benny                  Pray all day all time
paperwork-menus                        cook                                            dishwasher 2-3x day
never take eyes off kids               change diapers  4-5x's                watch for am bus
watch for pm bus                          feed baby                                    pick up cat food (baby eats)
put cat food down (cats)               pic up dog food                          put dog food down
break up fights                              make sure doors shut (baby)      make sure gates shut (baby)
bain aids on owies                        answer telemarketers                pay bills
figure out money                          check on and call Grandpa          drive to tutor 2-3x week
school calls-Amber                      Go to track meets                        call for doctor appts.
check bank statement  
     

find dog-got out                          watch for Amber's cab
call social services                        write to social services                Social Worker Visit
social service paperwork              taxes-keep records                      laundry
Bob's here                                     homework til 9 daily                    conferences
sing  homework sheets                 get nails done                              check fire alarms
call Ambers Gma                         go to open houses                        find sense of humor
call vet                                          gifts for Birthday parties              talk to DeAnne
Pray with Kim                              make bed                                      do toenails
put make up on                             call for hair cuts                          set up garage sale
Check weather for school             Run to store                                  Find sitter for my doc appt
make eye pressure appt.               Don't cuss                                      catch the news
read paper or magazine                Eat                                                Fold clothes
Take a shower                              Check internet                                Check emails
do attendance report                     shut lights off                                turn heat up and down
exercise                                        Sand feet                                      Clean toilet- lots of boys
worry about retirement                 schedule surgery-dont think          Check on new baby
Call Chad                                      Help with school projects            Grocery shop
whose Birthday is it?                    Watch for state licensure                Watch ready for food licenser 
Chris's stomach deal with             Cody's brain                                  Lindsay's attitude
Write a book                                  Journal positive                            Watch Oprah
Eat                                                 Clean yard                                      try to watch Dateline
Rake                                              Mow                                              Vacuum and dust
clean girls rooms 1 x week           Apply for grant                              Get to classes once month
finish paperwork for license        Get gas                                            Change Oil
Take Vitamins                              Grandkids coming                          Dont smoke
No sex                                          Lin's braces                                    Lin's dentist/Bre dentist
Me dentist                                    Put video in                                    No Milk/Nick Allergy
Don't think                                    Make baby quilt                            Plan yard and flowers
play with children                        Be nice                                          Check in with Jackie
Cook                                            Go to chorus recital                        Go to bank
Answer phone                             Recover chair                                  Pray
Run to Wal Mart                          Horseshow                                      No sex
Listen to lies from everyone        Replace lights                                Hang over sink-nettie pot
laugh at all this                             Jackie's dream                                Go to the bathroom
wait for checks                            Beg for neck rub                              Roll on floor to fix neck
don't forget to lotion body            Do face mask                                Put tanning creme on face
Check with Carla                         dont grind teeth                              Sleep/DUMP troubles first
Sue, or don't sue                            check pulse                                    Remove Ambers glasses/sleep
lock doors                                    Paint swing set                                Shut TV's off after all kids asleep
Get mother's day gift                    call insurance man                        mark calendar constantly
pick up film                                  brush teeth                                    Lose the bra/hate it
laugh/cry                                       wash floors                                  dread some things/hope for others
don't complain                              hope for fantasy                            ignore reality sometimes
advocate for something                Listen                                            DON'T holler
start a business                             dream                                            lose weight
change sheets                               iron                                                wash mirror from people spit
trash day                                       love everyone                                search Ambers room for items
Go to church                                call exterminator                            clean mini blinds
clean off fans                               no sex                                              fix self cleaning oven
call attorney-WILL                     no burial plots                                  see a financial advisor
send a thank you note                 interpret the dream                          Call attorney/Cody's lawsuit
call doctor/Cody                         Computer out of ink                        Deal with day care parents
thyroid scan-radioactive pill       Call Dan                                        Make notes so don't forget things
find lost notes                              Fix Lindsays bike                          Call podiatrist/4th toe numb
return curling iron                       Buy stamps                                    Need Gpa/yard blower smoking
trim trees                                     Dog sick                                          Use God's Love on everyone
Listen to positive tape                 plan the day ha                                Do something fun when find time
be quiet                                        no sex (years)                                Read Psalms 91
Use time wisely                           take vitamins                                  Don't be afraid
Call Easter Seal Truck                Graduation gift                                Wash car and vacuum
Make good decisions                  Give good advice                            Give to God and don't take back
delegate authority                       FIND A NEW JOB                        Move to a desert island
don't be depressed                        eat 10 small meals                          Keep track of all this
go thru stack of mail                   throw away stuff                            find missing sock or buy new 
get new rabies tag                       get x spot fleas                                BREATHE
clean up yard of dog poop          budget better                                    cut coupons! Shut up! When
No sex                                         Update address book                      re-do photo albums
be thankful for all this                 Laugh and spread joy                      Be an example
fix meals for 13 people a day      Clean door knobs germs                                                       Sleep tight
  
photo from mariefrance.fr

Don't Pee on My Head and Tell Me it's Raining...................by Julianna Rowe

 That's right. Don't pee on my head and then tell me its raining! (Seems to be Judge Judy's favorite saying... She's not my idea of fair and decent though. More like dramatic and showy.) So unlike me, WHAT? And that's her paycheck so...it is what it is.

I  heard that phrase on a talk radio show the other day and at first I laughed and then I thought about it. And you know.... when I think.... it can become serious. Either a terrifying "true fiction" right out of the bowels of my brain, or a silly blogpost. I have always heard the older you get the less you care about what people think or say. Not "sa" sure! I flip flop on that one. Like I lose my patience with liars and cons and salespeople are the funniest. I have seen and heard every diff type of salesman because I have been around a long time. The faces change but the pitch doesn't. And I was one of the best in my day so there you go on that score. So I think I am smart? Yup I do! But I don't like anyone throwing dirt on my space and thinking its alright. Society has really changed since I was a young one. Do you remember when there used to be something called an "Accident." Now everyone is guilty and the more the better. There is allot of this peeing on everyone else's head and or legs and or space and it comes very systematically and politically correct! Feds pay prisons good money for those not so guilty people that had those "not so much" accidents! I could go one regarding many other little lion shops like doctors are now accountants. Reminds me of Gladiator days with lions of a different species is what I call it. And who can lie the best wins. In court, at the "cop shop," in the military, in our government, at school, at work. Amazing. It used to be just cons and bad people that did it. Now its 75% of our P O P, population! But I still wont tolerate anyone peeing on my head and telling me its raining. As for age and patience... who said that anyway? Now where's my little black dress so I can get on with this honest, kind, and happy day! I make it a point to dodge the yellow rain.

flickr.com/photos/voight-kampff/414487631

"Weed"...........................by Julianna Rowe

"Weed"   This is a test. This is only a test conducted by The Happy News Lady for purposes of Polling or something like that.

I like Weed, cause he's a jolly good fellow;
I like Weed, cause he's a jolly good fellow;
I like Weed, cause "She's" a jolly good fellow,   

Which nobody can deny!!
 or
I like Weed, It helps me unwind and sometimes it makes me feel mellow. 
Whiskey's to rough, Champagne costs too much, vodka puts my mouth in need...
This little refrain should help me explain as a matter of fact I like weed.

Last night I dreamed that I passed from the scene and I went to a place so sublime                                     Awh, the water was clear and tasted like Weed, then I rode off on a large steed.

It was the Weed, that made me feel like a great fellow, It was the weed                                                        That made me feel like a great fellow. 

I do not smoke weed although I have in my youth. Not to say I wouldn't do it again given the need due to health or the joy of a good laugh or lay as I recall. Actually I never had or got a "lay," good or bad after weed. I'm just going along with the punching of the keys from brain to fingers to you.  

This post is a test of key words to see just how many  hits I will get with the word Weed.  Figured I would attempt to entertain you as much as possible off the cuff while doing my test run.  Cant call it a scientific experiment or can I?  Nawh, its more what politicians do, think its called a poll.

If I had the resources I would invent a lipstick called "Weed."  Don't you know every huge corporation would buy it from me.  Oh yes, Walmart, Costco, Amazon and so on and only due to it's symbolic being.

Suggestive word isn't it?  I am a person that lives by association.  Example:  I cant eat goulash with tomato pieces in it because it looks like a freshly dead road kill. I'm sure there is a psychological name for this mental dysfunction.  Or someone says to me; "He is really stupid?"   Then I start singing, "Cupid, draw back your bo o o w, and let your arrow fl o o o w!"  Don't even try to get me to eat fat spaghetti in sauce because the memory of my brother at age six at the dinner table telling me I was eating worms.  Not to mention  my mother devastating me with a story of when I was little bitty and making mud pies she caught me eating a real worm.  No mother should tell her child something like that.  Barf.

So back to Weed.  Weed suggests something you cant have in most states.  Weed suggests healing powers.  Weed suggests Fun for some.  Weed makes some people laugh til they hurt, see example below.  (I wasn't really smoking Weed was I?? No!  Just happen to find a photo that fit Weed.

 Weed suggests peace and relaxation.  Weed suggests pain relief.   Weed suggests a big food feast.  Weed suggests socializing.  Weed suggests going against the establishment.  Weed suggests  he's/she's a jolly good fellow that nobody can deny!   Nobody can deny y y!   So find yourself some Weed or start a new company called Weed.  Name a water bottle Weed and it will sell like hell!  I'm tellin ya the truth!

The BlueBird Totem.........................................property of Julianna Rowe

The Bluebird Totem.......

I have always managed to find goodness and humor amidst my silent thoughts of fear that have held me down at times. But since the surgery my wings are sad and heavy laden like petals of a flower after a storm. Beautiful happy tears like needed rain have turned to grey ashes beckoning God to cleanse them with the force of the fire hose. My heart is weary from watching my shadow wait for the winds to help it fly again. My soul finds comfort in you.....help me fly again when you can by Julianna Rowe.

It is interesting to me people believe a Butterfly that lands on your body at a funeral is your passed away loved one. Yet most do not believe animals come to  us with messages??  They do!  The Bluebird  came to me this year after a nasty bought with cancer.  It has been trying tell me to lighten up and get back to enjoying life like I used to.  Here is the story of how I figured that out although I must admit it did take me a few months. And when I finally "got it" I went to researching the Bluebird totem in Animal Speaks/Ted Andrews book.  

Bluebird:  Transformation.  Passage into happiness.  Modesty, Unassuming Confidence and Happiness.

Cycle of Power:  Winter and Summer (changes of seasons) The bluebird is a native of North America. Although once common, they are now quite rare. They are a reminder we are born to  happiness and fulfillment, but we sometimes get so lost and wrapped up in the everyday events of our lives that our happiness and fulfillment seem rare.  When bluebirds show up as a totem, it should first of all remind you to take time to enjoy yourself. Ding Ding Ding.

Bluebird: Symbolism and Meaning:  Look to awaken your inner child. Tap into your endless well of creativity.  Bluebird as as Spirit Totem can help teach you to see the world through the imaginative eye or your younger, more open self!! Bluebird can uplift, impassion and encourage you!   

So here is my Bluebird story:  I was walking my dog when I noticed a tiny shiny bluebird lying on the ground.  I am always looking down because after years of running a daycare I was tuned to watch for pennies or anything a child might choke on. I picked up the little blue bird who was about the size of my thumbnail and was made from some heavy metal. It reminded me of how I used to believe in fairies when I was a child and that feeling was fun and entertaining to my imaginative minds eye. And then there it was at my feet like a reborn real life memory had materialized without my asking.  I picked "her" up and knew immediately where she belonged.  We walked back to my car where I searched out my super glue and put "her" on the dash where I could see "her" inspiration every day.  Yet I still had no idea what "she" represented at that time although I just knew "she" was precious and had to go with me everyday.  

A few months later I was at a hospital waiting for my car from Valet.  Have you ever had Valet lose your car?  Well they lost my car....so while I sat there waiting I and got bored I noticed the gift shop directly behind the valet desk and my waiting chair.  I love hospital gift shops because they have such neat trinkets, gadgets, jewelry, and games.  Hanging on a display tree right in front of the shop was a beautiful glass bluebird with the sun gleaning on its wings making it almost Angelic because I couldn't take my eyes off it.  

I looked at the price tag as I gently lifted it off its home branch where I am sure it had been on standby just for me.  There were cardinals and other pretty glass birds but I was sure that one was for me. No explanation as to why I was so sure because the red one was very pretty....  I am sure some Angelic force lost my car in the giant cement parking ramp just so I would find my totem and help me back to happy.  The Bluebird.  

"She" now hangs from my rearview mirror showing me its all behind me....

If any animal continually comes before you it is because it is trying to communicate with you on a spiritual level.  Check out Ted Andrews book...Animals Speak.   

A Real Shit Pit!..........property of Julianna Rowe

Okay… so this little outhouse has been on the “Funny Farm” (the crazy place I grew up) for sixty years plus...  I used it!!  In fact when I was in high school this is all we had besides a five gallon bucket with a board across it for balance and might I add COMFORT! GAWD. This was for a mid-night emergency which was truly awful not to mention we had no running water for baths either.  Oh but hey…..we had a pump fifty foot from the house to prime the COLD water (in winter time too….) and I think a stove to heat lil’ bits of said freezing water to be placed in an aluminum cow tank on an open NOT PRIVATE porch for bathing.  I have no proper words to offer regarding this!!  !  Can you imagine??  Me either, yet the memories remember! 

Over the years, that means after we built in normal bathrooms with bathtubs and flushing toilets things were better but the Outhouse remained.  Everyone who ever used the outdoor privy (who was privileged to!!) signed in or autographed the inner walls of which I was afraid to open the door to take a pic of in case....... SNAKES??   Not to mention the darn thing might have taken a dive on me literally.  Or me taken a dive in…..eewwww

I don't like shit pits (Outhouse’s or Life Shit Pits!) as you all know from previous blogs. 

And holding it up with ONE pole is likened to what I have to do in life mentally. 

 But what would I do if I really needed to use that privy outhouse?  Probably I’d feel quite privileged not to have to use the ditch or yard? Would I chance the poles giving way? What if no one was home? Oh shit!

I love puns or whatever you call that one.