Dementia - by Julianna Rowe

 I wrote this upon waking up this morning. My mother has dementia)(

Locked Inside the Mind:

As I sit in your car where all the trails of painful thoughts were left behind I scream for you. For the fear of you, the need for you. Your pain is flailing through the silent red mist and drools over my trembling flesh. Who are you? Why do you leave such red blood of hate like a river spewing from your mind? You talk of God yet Satan’s blood in your brain is thicker than your words. The doors are locked. I kick and scream. I search for something sharp to break free. All the while the blood continues to rise. Am I going to suffocate in the blood of your mental incapacity? I see a key. I grab it with great anticipation it will bring freedom but it falls from my trembling hands into the river of blood. I scramble to find it reaching deep into the recesses of the evil river. Into the remains of what was stolen. My mind! I am startled by the sounds of horns. I jolt and see ahead of me a green light. The siren of the oncoming ambulance brought me back from your daydream. The blood and fear were gone. They whooshed out into oblivion and I was back until the next crashing cassondra of dementia came calling again.

Foster Care

  

 Chapter Thirty-Four:  My Three Foster Children:

 During the fourteen years I was celibate due to the stress of abandonment over and over, as well as life hitting me in the head with its proverbial two-by-four, I receded into hiding.  So how does one live when in recedement?  (Going underground, somewhat out of sight) I am sure that is not a word, but it is now my word meaning not wanting to deal with humans any more than necessary. Especially men.  That said, I went from a successful insurance salesperson to a daycare Mommie.  Had a full-blown business within one week of advertising.  I guess the "good guides" were trying to help me get back to living one way or another. This was after the big dick and the devil in the five-piece suit. I did two daycare shifts to support my family. I was up at 5 am to do daytime care and then at 5 pm to do the night shift.  Illegal as hell, but we do what we must do to support our children. I could not handle that for very long and went back to regular daytime care.

 We had then moved to a larger duplex, and I did something I had always dreamed of doing.  I applied to be a Foster Care Parent for children and went to classes given by the state of Virginia, where I received a certificate and waited.  Nothing happened.  There were no children that fit my family's living situation.  Then one day, I got a call from social services telling me one of my daycare moms would not be picking up her daughters.  Like what does that mean?  I was asked if I would like to be a Foster Mom to two little girls I had been caring for at my daycare for some time.  Interesting how the Universe works.  I did not hesitate to say, of course, I will.  But I had to tell the girls their mother would not be coming for them.  That she had decided to stay with the man who molested the older girl.  Of course, I did not relay it to them in that fashion.  I left the last part out.  But yes, that mother left her children with me and never returned for them ever.

We sat together in my living room and I carefully told them they would not be going back to the apartment where their mom and her boyfriend (I will leave Peter nameless) lived.  That he had been arrested for what he did to Mary Katherine.  She hung her head, and I hugged her, assuring her he would never touch her again in her life.  Her little sister had no idea what we were talking about.  Then I told them there would be living with me full time. They both jumped up and started singing and dancing and screaming in happiness. I was shocked at two children being so happy at never having to go home again.

 They attended school, got new clothes, ate well, and became a part of our family for two years.  Then one day, another call came in telling me Mandy’s grandma was traveling from Texas to take her back to live with her.  I shall never forget when they drove away. Mandy was waving at us out the back window until they were out of sight.  We stood there lost.  She was gone forever. I keep the little pink beaded bracelet she made me in my jewel box alongside the gold and silver.  That is how precious it is to me.

 Next came court papers saying the State of Virginia had found Mary Katherine’s father in Florida.  He was coming to get her.  I said no, no way, she does not even know this man.  She has been sexually abused for over a year by her mother’s boyfriend, and you, the State, are sending her off with a strange man.  In fact, they did just that.  Mary Katherine told me later that five giant men, friends of her dad, met her at the airport and took her home to his drug-infected apartment. She went on drug runs with him.  The State of Virginia did not give a rat’s ass.  All they cared about was not having to pay for her care anymore.

 After a couple years, Mary Katherine was old enough to find herself a new home with a high school friend. She remained there for many years. She settled in with a fellow upon graduation and had a little boy.  They stayed together for five years, and after that, she moved on to someone that treated her better and now has another little boy.  She is doing well and is a very strong woman with good moral character.

 Mandy was doing well for some time.  She was also with a man and had a little boy.  Mandy somehow got into heroin and lost her way for a few years.  She is now back and in a positive relationship where she just had another little boy as well.  Mandy is close to family. Her father lives near, and her Nana checks on her regularly.

 They were and are an integral part of my life.  Not long ago, I received the following letter from Mary Katherine.

 “You were and always will be a big part of my life ❤ thank you for all u did for me and my siblings. You are still a role model to me ❤ I love you ❤ and thank you, you are strong too. I saw u go through stuff. and it was hard, but u did the best you could, you are an inspiration ❤ Thank you so much☺❤❤❤ I love you too the moon and back! You saved me as a child and gave me a great role model! You and grandma are literally my only 2 role models. You both were so organized and classy and funny yet stern and took care of your homes and made them beautiful. I've always been inspired by you and I've always been appreciative of you. Me and Kim still talk about how messed up we would be if we had a chance to stay with mom. We were blessed with you❤ things were really tough on us emotionally and you always made us feel better and helped us thru it ya know? After all the mess you were our rock😭❤ I truly couldn't be me today if I never had you! ❌⭕❌⭕❌⭕❤”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I will be back.  I had my thyroid removed a few days ago, and a reaction to the medication.  Just need a little time to get back to normal.  

No singing for a while for sure!  

Will try to get the next chapter up soon.  

New Years Eve.... " Its A Wonderful World " By Julianna Rowe aka Diane Ogden

 

As some of you know I had lung cancer/partial lobectomy in March of 2019.  I am still lung cancer free.  I do have a contained cancer in my thyroid which will be removed on January 11, 2022.  

I love to sing.  I am by no means an Adele singer or even Karaoke-worthy unless I were to be drunk and I do not drink to the state of mind.  That leaves singing in the car and at home.  I AM CONCERNED my voice will change with the removal of the thyroid which is common as the vocal cords are very near the incision to remove the thyroid.  So, I was sitting around singing to the words of Its a Wonderful Life on my computer and decided to record it.  My microphone was static so I went to YouTube and hit the LIVE button.  I really should practice the meaning of the word LIVE because I thought I would have to approve before it was LIVE.  Guess not.  So this is my song with my jammies on and all the errors including my inability to hit certain high notes from the first half of my thyroid being removed in 1982.  

The song is fun and full of LOVE!  Happy New Year 

Christmas Eve The Year is 2022

 

Blessed by Loving Others 

Writings by Tommye Allen, inspired by the Holy Spirit

Narrated by Julianna Rowe, aka. Diane Ogden

Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year.....

Part V: EVOLVING

 PART V:  THE LAST CHAPTERs, EVOLVING: 

Life is like a garden. Some of the flowers flourish, and some die away. There are many reasons, but mostly it is just life. Life is given, and life is taken. It is a gift that many misuse and take for granted. Listen to your spirit's lead as a horse listens and reacts to the guiding hand of his rider. To live life on your own without the spirit/heart's lead is like pulling teeth without Novocain. Your light becomes brighter when life lessons are learned and you believe in yourself. Your wishes come true because they are merely little desires of the heart your Angels bring to you. See yourself as a pure reflection sent from the Universe above, and do not waiver from that vision of yourself. Then you can walk tall, walk proud, walk on.

I had been in the belly of the whale more than once. Places not only did others put me, but I put myself by not seeing my true reflection. By only visiting the pictures others drew for me, of me. They judged, and I took their word over the truth. When this happens, it causes an avalanche of pain and generations of garbage. Then the innocent little ones come into our world with mud on them. Our mud.

But I was not there yet! I had more to learn.

"She's beautiful, but somewhere there is a major flaw."

 

"Perky Breasted Angels" An excerpt from a novel written by Julianna Rowe

        Chapter Thirty-One: Michael's Red-Carpet Journey To his Next Chapter

The Bible says if you want to turn a Hell's  Angel toward God, you better dress like one and visit their establishments, so I became a Hell's Angel chameleon. The definition of a chameleon is a lizard (or human) that can change itself and or its personality and verbiage to match its surroundings.  I did indeed become a chameleon.

As Michael and I sat in the room he would soon depart this earthly realm from, with his beautiful black cat Emery in his lap, I asked him if he would mind if I took him on a journey to another place?  He spoke.

“Sure" but I can’t go very far in this bed.”

I had no soft music and no sage to burn any bad lingering spirits away and considering Michael had lung cancer, sage might have ended his days right then and there so, I calmly explained to him how this journey of ours was to happen.  I told him he would always be in control. That he would become very relaxed, in fact, so relaxed his mind would believe everything it heard.   And if it was okay with him, we were about to take a grand trip.  He smiled a trusting smile, and we began. 

I asked him to relax and close his eyes.  To allow his face to feel as though it were melting into the pillow behind his head.  That he was safe with me. I reminded him that with each breath he took he would take in fresh, clean air, and each time he exhaled, his mind would release all fear from his being.  Each breath would take him to a place where the spirits would help us on our journey. He opened his eyes and peered at me with some reverence regarding the spirits tripping with us.  A much different tripping than that old boy had been used to.  I was doing my best to make sure Michael was somewhat prepared for the hereafter. So, I smiled back, and then I took Michael through some deep relaxation techniques of his neck and shoulders, his torso, then his legs and feet. I assured him once again he was safe and that we were going on a journey across the ocean to Hawaii, the place he told me he always wanted to go.  And so, he closed his eyes, and we boarded a large bright multicolored red magic carpet with imaginary walls and railings that would totally protect us on our journey over the trees that smelled of kindness and the clouds with their majestic gentleness. As we passed each puffy cloud, its strength manifested onto us and pushed us on as though we had our spiritual generators plugged into a speed-charging dock.  I shared with my cousin and friend how we were gaining goodness and purity from the next world as we headed for the great Sturgis Bike Rally in the Dakota's. I showed him through mental images of the many bikers that had purchased his homemade three-wheelers.  At the least, there were six couples showing his custom-made wares to the multitudes.  How proud and shocked he was he had a true legacy.  We moved on south, taking a bit of a detour toward the West Coast, crossing the great Mississippi River in Missouri and then the beautiful yellow-gold wheat fields of Nebraska.  The spirits moved and directed us to land the magic carpet on one of the red mountain plateaus near some amazing rock formations of the National Parks in Utah. The spirit showed Michael through me how to stand on the edge of the plateau with his arms outstretched allowing the spiritual cancers to leave his body and the healing of the God’s. The winds took up and swirled around him like he was a small tumbleweed in a whirlwind of a fast-moving cyclone from another dimension.  I watched the tears fall from Michael's eyes when he began to love and appreciate himself while the spirits filled his being to overflowing.  I then spoke we were leaving the spirit-filled plateaus for The Indian Reservations of New Mexico and then the great Grand Canyon with its magnificent depth and crazy beauty as it etched its way into the earth like the giant it was and left its mark forever.  And then, there we were in an instant, at the edge of what seemed like the world with the ocean's beauty ahead.  We were almost to our destination, Hawaii.  As we crossed the aqua-blue waters, it was peaceful, kind, energetic, and free.  I caught a glimpse of his smile as I described how his Daddy and Mama Augusta as well, were with us. And then I told him the love of his life Judy was also with him. That is when I saw his tears begin to crepe silently like they were trying to hide the pain he had hidden for so long since her untimely death by a car accident a few years back.  She, Judy, was with us. I spoke beyond doubt to him that there was plenty of room on our magic journey for others. I assured him again with each breath he took in he would go deeper into a state of hypnosis, still be in control, yet willing to receive. I told him we were coming to a beach, a place of warm sands, while colors emanating from the sun shone around his being like gentle whispers. Each having a healing sensation of its own just for him. 

“Michael, you are one with the sun. It is enveloping you as all its strength covers you on its mission to prepare you. As you entertain your journey you go even deeper into relaxation where you become aware your arms and legs are feeling heavy.  This is a sign you are totally relaxed.   The sun took its beauty and warmth to the other side of the world and left us with the glistening artistry of the night, leaving with us its shimmering moon to light our way. Michael, pick a star in your mind's eyes and go to it.  Sit up on it and take in the beauty of the Universe.  You are safe whether you are in this galaxy or another it doesn't matter.  You are now one with the Universe as it was created for you and you for it.  Draw in strength from it.   You are totally safe, secure, and loved. You may ask for a guide to aid you in your travels.  But only ask for a positive guide from the pure light.  Notice the sun is coming up.  We are about to land at our destination, Hawaii."   

("Michael is in a deep relaxation state currently.  I continue our session on how to live after death, through hypnosis.)

“Michael, your dreams have come true.  We have landed on a beautiful beach in Hawaii.  There are at least twelve of the most beautiful women running toward you.  They are all screaming with arms flailing as though you are Elvis himself. And Michael, they are all naked except for their grass skirts and beautiful Angel wings that matched the living colors of the leis around their necks. Their symbol of connecting you and aiding you during your transition while the earthly life perishes, they are honoring your life here and in the hereafter. And my dear Michael, they are not leaving much to the imagination.  Young women, older women, all tanned with voluptuous breasts bouncing as they stand firm, pointing toward the sky we just came from.  A dream come true for you and take note Judy is giggling with permission for you to view and seek your blessed passageway to the next realm.  They reach for you one or two at a time placing exotic flowers whose pure smells become one with you.  You drink in the scents offered to you one at a time. This is where you are going after your earthly body is no longer. "

“Now, Michael I am going to count backward from five to one.  With each count, you will begin to come back to where we began our journey. 

Five. Your feet are tingling and awakening.  Your feet are strong and take you to good places. 

Four. Take a deep breath and notice as you exhale your legs are ready to move again.

Three. Take a deep breath and feel the love in your body that was given to you freely.

Two. You may open your eyes and you will recall everything that was said and felt on your journey to Hawaii.

One. You may sit up.”

I could see a big smile on Michael's face as our journey session ended. I believe I helped him see there was more, and that he could face it with strength knowing he was not alone. 

Michael passed away within the following two weeks.  I had to believe he was safe and I had helped him on his journey with good spirits we called in playing the chameleon, Yes, even with the help of the perky-breasted ladies.