Overcooked Ice-box by Diane Ogden

Hey, I di-ent do it!  Well maybe I did, but I di-ent know it! I woke up this day always thinking it will be a new and wonderful experience...and then I opened the freezer, only it was already opened.  What the frack?  I saw millions of little white icicles all over everything within my eyeball view. This photo does not show the millions, it only shows the hundreds. Take my word for it there were millions...  So I "Shietcanned" (not as in making preserves from grapes) most of the fishies and  anything else that felt soft and was edged in frosty-icicle edgings... It was a pretty site until I thought about it....it cost cash flow to forget to close the freezer. But did I really forget or did something else get in the way. Obviously.  I wish I had know what to blame so I could have thrown its sorry ars, meaning ass into the garbage bag FIRST.  It deserved the ultimate FIRST Place.  But I had no idea, so I threw it all away vs the sickness it could cause my already tired from working too much body!  Say la vie, or Sa la vi, you get it....I'm outta here for today. And my Good News is:  I am still upright and thanking someone for it! 

The Slut......by Diane Ogden

OK so I was at some one's home today, talking with my client, a young woman with two children getting them ready to go to the park.....

I had those darn pesky birds on my mind because I had just spoken to the office manager regarding losing them from my porch. You see, everyone else has flowers and I have poop.  Bird Poop! To quote my neighbor, the nickname of my porch is "Shit Island!"  How disgusting.  I prefer flowers but I was giving the little furry feathered family time to grow and fly away...  they did and then the little slut layed more eggs before I even barely noticed and here we go again.  I cant go outside on my porch and read, think, have coffee, plant flowers etc.  My dog and I get attacked, and my cats drive the birds crazy! They wake me up at four-ish a.m. too.  I did some research on the swallows and discovered they mate forever. Heck they are better at mating then humans!  And here I am going to kill their family and cause stress and emotional distress among their life path. omg.  But come on...they moved into my territory like squatters with no rights. I tried!  Then I got pissed.  Let me add that the maintenance man was kind after my final decision. Or maybe because I told him an old legend says if you kill a barn swallow a child family member will die. NOT! My Dad, who is 86 did tell me tonight that if you allow the swallows to nest you will never have a house or barn fire.  Oh great, now that thought will consume me brain waves forever.  Back to the maintenance man......He moved the nest to the closest tree.  He then waited two hours before he stapled screen onto the rafters which gave no opening for any more swallows or any sort of bird or bee to bother me in my tiny little earth space.  The birds have since left the building...my part of it anyway.
The Good News is:   The birds stayed so darn long that all flowers are on sale now!  And...no birds died in the making of this mini documentary blog about my porch.  Wait, back to my initial point of which I do veer from on occasion and this being one of those.   My clients young boy was standing out of my site when I informed my client that "The Slut" was about to be moved to a tree!  OMG, I used the word slut in front of a 6-7 year old. Yes I apologized....but later in the day I had these visions of this sweet child seeing a bird on his Grandpa's porch and saying, "Look Grandpa, there's a slut!"  That is of course after he asked his Mother, "Mom, what is a slut?"   And she responded with, "Oh that is a bird making a nest on Diane's porch."  (Well how could she tell him anything otherwise duh!)

Mother's Day 2011 ....Card from Son #3 by Diane Ogden

I usually write about the odd and sometimes funny things that happen to me on a daily basis but this time I am sharing a beautiful and touching card from the third of my four sons that I rec'd this past Mother's Day.  I put it on the wall by the door where I can see it every day when I leave for work in this crazy world. Everyone should have a son like this who doesn't forget how important Mother's day is to all Mother's everywhere......

    " LOL, Well the hell with everything huh! Mostly everything is in the crapper right now but keep your
head on right and as low as the lowest point is the highest point will come soon after and boy will it be wonderful.  I love you with every cell in my body.  You have made an amazing man outta a crazy little boy rolling around on the kitchen floor with his pants down....wait, I still do that so never mind  about the rollin around with the pants down.  I wish I was there more but we all have our path and we must stick to it, so we can really want to help the ones we love.  Soon there will be a check in here (card) for $1,000,000 big ones. : )   Keep goin and stick to your guns, you made it this far. Love You and See you Soon! "  Signed Cody Ogden

Isn't he something?   So the Happy News for today is that everyone should be as lucky as I am to have such a son!  I have three other great ones but they don't write me words like this one does.  There should be a Happy Son Day! I like that. P.S. The million is good too....

Burndt Breakfast! by Diane Ogden

 This WAS the syrup I was attempting to warm before I poured it on my hurry-up-bisquick-pancake this morning.  I am truly surprised no one in the building called the big red trucks because everything smells like four large bags of cotton candy went down in my microwave.  Little does anyone smelling this know that is was a half of this tiny dixie cup.....  Now tell me if this is where a person says "My cup is half full or empty all gone?"  All I know is febreeze may not be able to cure this burndt sugar smell on everything in my home. I am now re-thinking consuming low-sugar Aunt Jemima Syrup ever again!  It looks like freeze dried dog poop!

Harry and I Rode on Edgar today! by Diane Ogden

Today was my day to be at Esther's house.  She was not home but she told me not to worry, she informed "Harry," her special dog friend that I was coming.  And indeed when I opened the door Harry was barking his ars off.  I said, "Hey, Esther told you I was coming, it's me DianeO!  Harry knew me and came flying down the stairs.  Harry didn't know that I ride "Edgar," (the electronic chair on a rail) up the stairs when I come to visit Esther.  So as usual I climbed into the electonic Edgar chair for my uphill ride when suddenly Harry jumps in my lap!  Oh yes I was shocked.  Not only is Harry heavy, but Harry likes to kiss every one's faces including mine. eeww.  While Harry and I are playing fair ride for doggies Esther is on a new drama mission with her condo ass'es (association) and the local detective's due to her and the colonel's neighbor.  He is an odd fellow who apparently does not like to take out his garbage for about a year.  The Colonel and Esther live in a real nice upscale condo with a downscale neighbor for sure.  There is oowwie goowie gunk running out from under his garage door which is directly adjacent to Esther's side of the garage!  Esther is having several hissie fits per day at present regarding the gunk.  Me, I don't live there so I am fine thank you.  The Colonel on the other hand thinks there may be several sorts of critters in the walls.  Oh my dear God, that did it for me....I will return when this is all taken care of.  At present there is an all points nationwide bulletin out for the fellow that used to live there until the stink sent him running somewhere else.  We hear tell he quit taking his meds a few months ago.  Poor soul.  The happy news for today is that I don't live there, Esther does!  Too bad so sad.  P.S. The Colonel went to his cave den to deal.  Esther went to bed with her dog. I got on "Edgar" and rode myself outta there.

Esther and Her Bears..... by Diane Ogden

Esther loves teddy bears.  Teddy bears of all shapes, sizes, and colors.  I would not be exaggerating if I said she has five hundred, yes FIVE HUNDRED plus bears in her and The Colonel's home.  And all about   her precious car windows.  She uses those only in times of need such as if her Grand daughter is sassy Esther drives to Grand's friends houses and up in front of her school with the stuffed babies in back of Buick!  Embarrassing!  That's the idea!  Back to the bears.  She wanted to name her daughters Yogi, Smokey, and BooBoo but the Colonel put his foot down hard on that one.  Sometimes I think Esther just wants to be a little girl again.  Why not.  There are
bears in her bedroom, her bathroom, her laundry room, her kitchen, her den, her porch, and the loft. There are NO BEARS in The Colonel's den room.  (Cave!)  Some people collect porcelain dolls, some marbles, some bottles, coins, baskets, and some little old ladies collect CATS!!  Thank God Esther only had five hundred plus bears.  What can it hurt.  Only the children and the grands when Esther decides to embarrass them with her imaginative vehicle bear display.  They deserve it for sure.
artcar.blogspot.com (photo of vehicle from)

Esther and The Colonel have 'the talk' by Diane Ogden

As you know from the previous posts Esther had her magnanimously expensive jewelry party.  She survived her shaking syndrome ladder cleaning Christmas light experience and prepared yogurt mixed with lite cool whip along with a fruit plate.  Esther doesn't cook she just lays things out like that and that is the real Esther meal deal. Or party snack, either way.  The Colonel does the grocery shopping so he can keep site on the outgo grocery cash flow.  He got upset the other day because Esther leaves a "night light" on near the steps.  Leaving it on would make sense so as not to fall. Not to The Colonel. "Costs too much, turn it off!"  Esther shakes her head as she walks away ignoring his cheap remarks.  So the party begins.  Her daughters and one Grand arrive.  All are looking through the magnanimously expensive jewel books.  Each in her own time says, "Ma, can you buy me this? Ma, can you buy me that?" Then the Grand says, "Grandmother, will you get me those and that too?"  Esther very pleasantly smiles all the time thinking, "Lord, I have died and gone to hell," and turns toward the yogurt whip, places a large piece of dunked fruit into it and fills her mouth conveniently so she doesn't have to answer ghoulish children.  Then Esther licks the lid of the cool whip. That way it never spills over onto her large chest because of  her shaking disorder. As I said in previous post, Esther shakes and spills everything liquid she tries to drink all over her tops.  She tries to coordinate lemon juice when she wears yellow and rosewater when she wears pink and so on. When I arrive at the party The Colonel is outside the garage with Esther's special dog Harry. He tells me its time for him to exit until much later.  So he and Harry take off for parts unknown.  Well Esther calls me today and informs me there will be "a talk" with The Colonel this evening because he went somewhere, she is certain he frequented a corner bar and left Harry in the car for over two hours.  Boy is there going to "a talk!" Cause The Colonel was popped when he got home.  He slither staggered past all those party women with what brain cells he had left and crawled into his cave den.   When Esther saw him staggering she headed for the closet to get "Hubert" the long handled fan duster for The Colonel's head!  But then she remembered she had guests!  That is why "the kill" didn't happen last night and "the talk" is probably happening tonight as I type/speak. O well this is why Esther gets what she wants!  So The Colonel can stagger.  But he staggered over the line this time cause he took Esther's precious Harry on his little sneaky drinking outing. Wrong move Colonel.