I Just Met Jane from India! by Diane Ogden

You know that commercial where the guy answers the tech calls? He's a flippin' American with an accent from India and says his name is Jane!  Well I now know Jane!  His name is Satish Rama something.... He was sooosooo nice and intelligent and he checked my computer like a doctor checks my watusi-v!  I gave him total control of my computer,yup.  Let him use me, you know, have access, you know, to my computer thru far away access called remote, no joke.  I did think about it for a second.  Just like my marriages duh.  Thinking longer then a second would be good.  OK, so my virus control had stopped and I wasn't sure for how long.  Just ell-gone-o!  And he was showing me via remote from INDIA why? Because I called the # given for AVAST Security.  The only problem I experienced at that point was that he was sniffing over and over gobbs of sniffing gob. I thought I was going to pueck before he got it all down!  eeeww. Seriously! Every time he started to snort the snot I quickly moved the phone away from my ear for fear I would seriously lose it.  There isn't much that upsets my gag reflex but his oatmeal going down the tube was doin' it.  Reason? I lost my antivirus I PAID some corporation for so said corporate sent me to INDIA! JANE, who was trained to SELL me something. I did catch on 3/4's way thru. I thought it was TOO nice that he was doing all that for little ole mwah her in Wisco.... so at least I give myself a tad of credit.  And I did speak up and say,
Whoa Joe, I smell a rat from India named Jane."  I said, "I am thinking you want $. And the first question I asked you was, will this cost me, and you said no!"  So bye bye Janie.  Then I said, "I will never buy AVAST anti virus again." That is when he handed me to a technician who put my Avast anti virus back on my puter of which I paid for dag gummit. Where did it go anyway? I don't know and I don't know if my puter is OK.  My son told me to buy an Apple! They don't have these INDIA issues, they don't even know Jane.  But I do!  I needed to take my dog out but couldn't because Jane was trying to sell me a $299 plan so he could come into my computer and check it regular like. REMOTE! I told Jane that I used to be in sales and I recognized his talented intent.  I thanked him for his intelligence, asked him what time it was in India....told him I had to go now.  (FOR WHAT did I thank him?)  For wasting my time omg....I have so much to do before bed and morning.  Holy Cows.  I have to take Grace out to podie.
 Goodnight Jane and better luck on the next one.  I am sooo glad I am smarter then Jane who went to college!  Although I once bought an electrolux for the price of used car..... just means I have grown wiser with age is all.  The happy news for today is I caught the thief...and it only took two hours of my life to do it.  Screw corporate Jane in India! (caution: It's comin' this way folks...$2 an hour corporate pay, food lines)

SURVIVAL.......I must be one of the fittest! by Diane Ogden

In the past three days I have survived the "good cops, bad cops" deal with my employee and her boyfriend, an email from an unhappy client because said employee forgot to do most everything while thinking about her boyfriend whilst I am dealing with bad cop because bad boy boyfriend called my cell phone 42 times in a little over one hour, texted it, left messages of himself banging either his head (I hope) or her cell phone on something.  Class huh?

I survived setting up a website for someone having never done so before. Calling tech support at midnight yet never have figured out how to set up the widget so someone can subscribe. Rather important piece missing there. And probably the easiest to doo.

I survived my printer dying.  Especially because I just purchased $65.00 worth of unused ink. 
I survived my first pedicure and I am a few plus decades past when I should have had one.

I survived eating at some low rent Shit-zue Japanese food hut at the mall where it tasted like they poured sugar on the meat, rice, and veges. I nearly gagged eating the few bites I did, while watching Justin Beamer on the over sized screen above my little eating table.  My dog wouldn't even eat it.  I made a comment about it while paying $7 (wow deal) at Penney's for a pair of stretch, (I love stretch) work out pants.  She said, "Oh don't eat there, a lot of people have gotten sick."  At that point my brain is telling my stomach that a lot of people have gotten sick from the chit-hut I just ate at!!  What do you call that again?  Oh yeah, stinkin' thinkin'.  Or sickness by association of thoughts.  I forget the correct descriptive word. I survived it tho.

I have yet to survive my 86 year old Dad's surgery tomorrow morning.  I pray he lives because if he doesn't I am next in line for the wrath of "mother!"  I will only survive that because I will move far far away to the woods somewhere.

I also have to survive today's trip to the "funny farm" to visit Dad with the Grands(children) that is.  We will only stay two hours because that is all "mother" wants anyone (me) to stay.  Fine with me!'

I thought about what to say to Dad before he is wheeled away to surgery or heaven (oh God!). And I prayed on my bloody knees he wouldn't ask me to take care of "mother" if he passes on to heaven.  Because if he does I have a coughing plan in order to last as long as it takes until they wheel him away. No death bed promises coming out of my mouth thank you.  Not taking care of "mother!"  Think what you want, she's tough on me and always has been.  I have paid my dues to the world so guilt is not a button on my chest any longer!

I was going to stop and buy some fancy food to take to the funny farm today but we were told to come after lunch so why would I?  So my brother who has more money than God can eat it?  Not gonna happen!  I should have thought to take him some of the "Shit-zue Japanese Hut food."  LMAO (that means laughing my ars (that means ass) off in case I am the only one that didn't know that)

I also survived my little gremlin monster dog of 6 lbs. poo-ing in the apartment sun room and me stepping in it and tracking it allll about the room.  I smelled it but thought some large dog had deposited out side the window I was putting a fan into. Nope, Nadda, it was all over my shoe and seven other nice mushed spots on the light colored carpet.  So I left it until it dried the next day and vacuumed it right up easy. Don't worry I shut the door.  Think what you want, but any other technique smears it all in deeper down to the core of the backing and into the padding.  See?  I know what I am doing. Obviously I have been there before.  And for the record I do pick up the chucks before I shut the door.

I bought myself a honkin pair of feather earrings at J.C.Penney's. See photo of me trying to be cute. Truth is the other two pics were stupid so I chose trying to be cute. They hang down to my collar bone. I love them unless I am outside and the wind makes them tickle my skin.  Sometimes I forget I bought them and start swatting myself thinking they are bees!! How dumb is that? Picture that 8 x 10 glossy of me swatting my own neck and face outside for the world or at least a few in it to see that mess.  When I realize its just my honkin' new feathers I quickly stop and gain my composure and look around to see who saw. Like when you fall down in church and hope no one saw it.

I survived it.

 All that was only two days of my wonderful life!  And the funny farm is next on the schedule.....dear God (he knows the rest of that prayer because it's said before every funny farm visit )

And by the way Barb M.....it's all TRUE! 

Good Cop Bad Cop.....by Diane Ogden

Today started out in hell and then went deeper into darker hell.  I do not like to complain, but come on, hell is hell and who wouldn't complain about it.  I surely wont say, "Oh hell is wonderful and getting better." Or, "being is hell is quite the challenge and will make me a better person, and help me grow!"  S H U T U P!  No I don't like hell.  It's a chit pit!  The young girl that works with me goes with young boy who decided to live in jerksville today. (he lives there everyday!)  He takes her car, her phone, her $ and then calls my cell phone FORTY FIVE TIMES in an hour, texts it 19 times, leaves five messages with sounds of him banging his head or her phone, not sure which, but I can only hope, on the dash. He broke her windshield and threatened to do away with his human self.  Could we be so lucky. Okay Okay, I know...everyone deserves to live. (NOT so much.) This human person had me so upset my entire body was shaking.  I decided he needed to be turned in for harassment as I could not get him to stop and it was heading for 11:00 a.m.  I said to self and co worker:  Children are in hospitals, people are sick and dying, others need food, and this little piss ant is bombing my SMART phone that isn't smart enough to stop him.  So I call the PO-LICE!  Then his Mama who doesn't like him so much either, then I went to a Po-lice station I was so upset.  Is it legal to upset someone like that?  Guess so.

When I got there no one was home at the cop shop entrance office.......................  then an officer came out and asked me if I needed help, I said, "YES,"  just as my phone rang and it was the other officer so the first officer thought I was ignoring him and left the building.  What if I had needed help? And I did.  Then a very large lady officer came into the area with a very large police dog. I told her about the first and second officer asking me if I needed help and I said yes and then he left the building.  So she went and got a 100 year old white haired lady receptionist who came out five minutes later and  asked me my name and address.  Told me to sit, they would call for someone to come.  It took another half hour and then this officer, about my age came in to talk to me.  Then the deeper part of hell started.  He told me to "be quiet!" ( I was relaying the mornings events for Cops-sake!)  Nope no go.  Then I decided it was humor time.  He made a joke and I laughed and thanked him for making this easier. SHUT UP, I used reverse psych 101 doi.  Turns out the other officer went to little jerk boys home and told him to stop calling my smart phone that isn't smart enough to stop him itself.  Then the two bad cops talked on the walkie talkie like microphone on channel 8 and called me "subject 17!"   The entire situation was a total joke.  This young punk harassed me until my whole body was shaking.  He broke a windshield, was on drugs, was driving erratic, threatening himself and others, said he was going to kill himself and god knows who else on the hiway, bombed my phone with texts, calls, and messages....but told the officer this was all because he and his girlfriend got into a fight before work.  And that is how they left it!  Told me not to get involved.  R U Kidding me?  I asked if I could press harassment charges?  The old fellow told me nothing he could do would make this young man a decent person.  I said, "No, but it will show him he cannot legally do this to me, an innocent person, ever again."  But old bad cop just keep talking until I quit and left the building.  And they get paid for that.  The last few years I have had of po-lice interaction has been like this.  Very much hell, not help.  Only one little alphabetical letter (l vs p)  sure can mean a lot, huh?
I do not keep people in my life like this.  I don't hang out in chit pits! (like I was forced to today) I should sue the men in blue.  I left my mops to go see the cops. I turned him in, he's a piece of sin.
What was the good, he found out he could. I got stuck, by a smuck! Bad cops didn't stop, bad boy coy.  The Happy News for the day is:  I have the ability to move myself away from that chit pit and I will.  And I will bring happier news tomorrow.

Lost My Smart Phone....... by Diane Ogden

So this isn't my mouth, but its close, minus a couple wrinkly dinkos around the edges.  I was at J.C. Penney this evening as part of my end of day errands when suddenly I realized I could not find one of my body parts... that would be my cell phone that I have discovered is definitely part of me.  Too much a part in fact. Also while at the world of mall I became hungry.  Got purchased a piece of pizza with spinach on it and what I thought was mushrooms turned out to be those other things, you know, anchovies....eeewwww! And then to top this eve off I discover I walked all about asking people if they'd seen my phone with green spinach stuck in my pearly's. That piece of spinach and I talked to a multitude of folks all over the place.  It wasn't until I readied for bed that I noticed the hunk of green between my teeth.  Not only that, but I remembered this day as the day I married one of the husbands!  There were bound to be disturbances in the atmosphere for me considering ...... And then....my loaner phone rings!  Its mummie dearest.  Someone has called her and told her they found her # on a cell phone they found at the J.C. Penney's....  whalla, my phone is on its way home. That means I have to wait for the new phone to arrive in the mail from the insurance claim I filled out with spinach in my teeth. Then hurry and call somebody to say its all OK, stop the pro-cess!  Drive to UPS or FedEx and send new phone back, drive to US Cellular and have loaner shut down and old phone reactivated...Call to get $100 deductible returned before my car insurance gets taken out of the depleted account...for the not lost smart phone.  If the darned thing was so smart why couldn't they (the phone gods) find it?  I asked them that. I told them I have that find me if I'm lost app.  You know the app that can find me if some gorgeous hunk of love steels me. (duh) Or a robber person to be more exact. The other was wishful thinking.  Cell folks said I don't have that app.  Well chit! But then the good news of the day is I found the phone connected to my body brain and bones that shouldn't have been lost anyway.  Lapse in momentary sense caused down then back up results.  Just an inconvenience is all.  Even though when I got into the Buick without my phone I went directly into trucker talk......yet.....it all worked out.  Isn't that just life?  What did I have to do besides this anyway?  I got my shower, I had dinner, took the dog out....met some people that probably will be telling about the lady with the green spinach between her teeth for at least a few hours!  God I 'm glad they don't know my name.  Glad it's not on YouTube. Glad there is a tomorrow with brushed white pearls and $100 back in the insurance account just in case I wreck on one of the other marriage anniversary dates in the year.  (Won't happen, just kiddin')  Please pray??

Love a Dove, Love a Dove......or Two by Diane Ogden

I was in the middle of walking the dog this early morning when ten feet ahead of me lands a beautiful healthy dove. Then right behind that dove another one lands and there they sit! They just look at me! So I stop walking, pick up "doggie do little," and stare back, all the time thinking/wondering why they landed in front of me and didn't move for some time. They gave me such peace all the while cars are passing, people jogging on the other side of the street, noise from the highway. But for the doves and me, there was a sacred, peaceful moment in time.
I guess the Universe knows I have been introduced to the Animals Speak book by Ted Andrews that tells what it means when certain animals come in front of your person!  It is usually for a reason.  Even bats and skunks!

I woke up early today with some "stinkin' thinkin'" going on.  You know, the old "what is it all for?"  What is it all about anyway? What are we here for? To just work and then die?  Oh yeah, stinkin' thinkin' for surely!  Stopping life wasn't an option so I made my lunch and proceeded out the door with the infamous half Chihuahua half Pomeranian gremlin looking dog for her morning poddie poo. That is when it happened.  The doves landed. And they were trying to tell me this: And this is copied directly from the book: Although its song is heard all the day, it seems more distinct at dawn and dusk. These are the "between times" in which there is a thinning of the veils between the physical and the spiritual worlds, the past and the future. The song of this totem (animal) tells you to mourn what has passed, but awaken to the promise of the future. It is the bird of prophecy and can help you see what you can give birth to in your life. The dove is actually a smaller copy of  the now extinct messenger pigeon.
I would say I was sent a message by the beautiful pair of morning doves telling me I was born for a reason and it "aint" over yet.
 

Mashed Potatoes! by Diane Ogden

So I called Grandpa (dad) to see if he got food for dinner so he can sleep!  He told me Grandma (mother) made a big dinner with baked potatoes and he was happy!
Man!! one (daughter) never knows what to believe or act on.... The Happy News for Today is Papa Grandpa, age 86, got his potatoes! And can sleep....Which he lives for as a farmer!  Jeezers and Shheessh!
Nite

photo from:  www.happyhints.com

The Obituary.... by Diane Ogden

So my father is 86 now.  He has been a healthy man most of his life with the exception of a kidney stone.  Why his incision appeared as though they were cutting him off at the waist. Of course this was several decades ago.  Then he has a bowel obstruction which caused gangrene and he lived through that also.  Now at 86 he had open heart surgery to repair and replace a valve so he could withstand the kidney they have to remove (due to cancer) this month.  This all being said, he asked me to write his obituary.  Sshhheeesshh!  yet....I answered in the affirmative and with all the maturity I could muster saying, (Without the Tara Southern drawl) "Why of course Father, whatever you wish Father."  Then when I got out in my Buick I screamed....nnnnooooooo, I don't want to write an obituary for a living man, my father.  But I did.  You see he wants to see if I miss anything cool he has done in life.  Pretty sure I missed a couple things, but hit the high points for sure.  It is now ready for his "viewing!"  (Isn't that a pun?) Today he is upset because Mother is refusing to cook for him anymore.  He told me he cant sleep well because his belly isn't full.  They get meals on wheels at noon and mother eats the other half for dinner, where as dad makes himself a sandwich.  I recommended he buy some mashed potatoes at his favorite diner and munch on them all week BEFORE BED!  I told him when the other sibling asks him if things are going well and he says yes after I have told them NO, it makes me look bad and places me in the middle.  So...where to go from here?  He wants to go to a nursing home where they like him.  Hey, I married the first creeper that came along to get away from "home" thinking the creeper liked me.  O well let by goners be by goners they say. Anyway he died and moved on to other places where he can con other peoples or spirits. Or who knows he may have actually lived long enough to have learned something this round.

Back to Father.  I wrote a very lovely obituary.  Sounds like mortuary or contrary.  I did not say one word about the whippings or never taking me to the doctor when I couldn't breath, nope none of that stuff cause by goners are by goners by Godly!  And sometimes Father's do try to make up for their parenting mistakes as the years pass of which this Father has truly done.  Nobody is a perfect parent and some are less perfect than others but usually before their end times, they can stop working and sit down and think and remember and regret and sometimes even say I am sorry.  Mine didn't say anything, but he did other nice things.  Now look, he is lacking in food and for sure love.  He is such a jolly fellow.  Not to Mother I guess.  They are on that same merry-go-round wheel Esther and the Colonel are on.  Fighting, nastiness, sarcasms, meanness and apparently false starvation...mean nothing positive on this earth! Their just pissin' in the wind!  Wasted energy! Negative breeding ground! Of course he does need to get enough food.  Guess I will take him some mashed potatoes next time I go to the funny farm.  He is going into a kidney removal surgery with some very negative mental feelings in ten days.  After 86 years on earth working very hard .....I see that as very sad.  But The Happy News for today is:  He still has time. (for me to get those potatoes to the funny farm in time)