Who Returns Toilet Paper?

Who returns toilet paper and WHY?  No really I saw it with my own eyes.  At Menard's USA. 
Maybe someone was allergic to Charmin?
Maybe someone's "bum" broke out in a rash?
Maybe Charmin plugged up their septic tank?
Maybe they needed money for food?
Maybe it was dirty?
Husband picked up the WRONG brand?
I tell you I saw it!  And I think the man whose wife sent him back there was pretty embarrassed. Or maybe not.

I was standing next to a young man in the return line when...I whispered, "I have never seen anyone return toilet paper!"
He said, "I was thinking the same thing."  Then we giggled like children in church. 
I resized this photo to protect the identity of this person.  I do not make it a habit of making fun of others.  But this was unusual.  Right? I tell  you I saw it with  my own eyes.... Not really one of the world's seven wonders or even close I know I know. 
Be Safe, Be Well, Be Happy.....

Merry Christmas from the Past by Diane Ogden

Merry Christmas from the Past by Diane Ogden

Black and White and check out that tinsel.  My brother and I wanted to "THROW" it onto the special green tree personally cut by father...but let me tell you that was not any where near acceptable. Each tiny strand of glistening silver had to be expertly hung only on the farthest extended branches as to lay properly with no kinks whatsoever.  Wouldn't life be grand without any kinks?   Believe me we had the kinks in our family..... In this black and white sit my brother and I, Nana and Grandad.  They had ample amounts of money and we did  not. As you can see by the cheap perms am displaying.  Dad would cut down a tree from the REAL WOODS out back of our house, then saw the base, drill holes in the trunk of the tree and insert extra branches where necessary for fullness.  Ever heard of that now days? Nope!  Now its off to the corner for the perfect-est tree which costs minimum of $75 plus.  Mother would pop the popcorn and bring in the huge bowl of little red berries to be strung on heavy string for the tree.  My brother and I got to use a needle and thread for this treat we were not always happy about.  We favored cutting out colored paper strips and gluing the circles one end to the other, inserting each strip into the next making a long paper chain of many colores for more tree foo foo.  Ooh how could I forget the ham metal squigglies.  In the olden days canned Ham came with a "key" to open it.  You hooked the key onto the tiny aluminum tab and twisted backwards all the way around the can.  If you miscalculated your screw and slipped, well, mis-perfection wasn't so cool in our household.  A n y w a y...after the can is opened you hold the key and pull down the section you wound out to create a long spiral shiny ornament!  They were rather sharp so we had to be very careful. After all it was aluminum. Mother made homemade gingerbread men. We tied ribbons thru a hole she made with a terrifying ice pic, and hung the little people on the tree.  Candy canes present also.  There was always a bowl of "ribbon candy" sitting on the coffee table.  And some of the tiny sugar candies, peppermints, green mints, yellow ones.  They would crunch quickly between your teeth because they were so little.  Mother would bake home-made yeast breads filled with cinnamon and all sorts of other fancy cookies.  Dad would go out back of the house on Christmas Eve and change into his Santa suit in the chicken coup, then we would suddenly hear bells and know Santa was outside.  He would come to the door and Mother would let him in so he could sit in the big chair and talk to us. We would tell him what we wanted for Christmas and he would do the Ho-Ho-Ho then he would leave, but only after asking us to leave him some cookies and milk and his reindeer some carrots. My God we really bought it!!  To this day I swear I saw him ride out of site in his sleigh with eight tiny reindeer far into the night with a full moon for me to view him ahead of the huge night clouds far above the rooftops.  Indeed Christmas was always a fun time with good memories for me.  Even though the family had and has "kinks."

I Bought a Costanza Rota from Italy!

      Isn't she a beauty? I danced around the purse rack like a woman flirting for some man's attention. My God you'd of thought I was a kid again.  I picked it up, put it back, picked it up, put it back.  Sort of like when your dating a guy who seems so wonderful you melt, then he sticks red flags up your nose and you run away. Then he pulls you back in and so on.  Yup that is the game I was playing at he Marshall's Store at GreenWay Station yesterday.  The price tag was singing a scary song to my brain that this time was truly attached to my pocketbook. No denial! The tag price was $495.00.  My price was $125.00.  That meant I saved $370.00!  Who could say no to that deal? Not me.  It was my new saddle and I could smell her leather five feet away. You see, the woman I am is a lot of shiny mixed with a lot of Western.  I never know whether to buy the full Buffalo rug or the crystal chandelier so I do both.  I am a mish mash of Shabby Chic and a has been wannabe barrel racer at heart. 
       I had no intention of purchasing a new purse.  I have several. A red one, a mint green leather, a peach leather, a fur one that needs to be groomed before I leave the house, a black, a plain tan, a multi black red white and grey beauty, A Coach, and more.  But this one  called  me home to Texas.  It smelled like my Granddaddy's saddle and it looked like it too.  I may have been imagining some of that part, but it did have my name all over it.  Not to mention Pink is my favorite color.  I bought a coat the same color mauve/pink as on that over the shoulder saddle.  It's darn near as heavy as a saddle.  I almost took it to bed with me for safe keeping but there wasn't room.

       Going to a wedding reception soon.  My Costanza leather bag does not match the long black cape with mink tails I had planned on wearing. Yes I bought the mink thing it  before people started throwing cat-sup on other human beings who wore animal fur.  If it helps, my new mauve/pink coat has a special label saying it does not use duck feathers!! We use no duck feathers in the making of this coat.  We use Perel. Whatever that is.

       I just realized I was flirting with a dead cow on that purse rack!! And now I am feeling bad.  So far I have discussed buying a Buffalo Rug,  as well as I feel like I murdered the cow myself for that purse, and I have six mink tails hanging off my body, and I am bragging about my coat being duck feather free.  OMG!  Obviously I am not racist.  Nor am I  vegan.  These days everyone seems to have to have a label anymore. Evidently I don't know if I am a foot or on horseback!

        I prefer simpler.......Me, I like sparkly things and the word _____! 

"Stuff," I Reside in a Storage Bin of "STUFF"

The definition of "STUFF" is that there are a lot of definitions of "STUFF."  I have been know to call it my college word when being fictitious when I cannot remember or come up with the appropriate word I need.
The Definition per Webster: 
     Matter, material, articles, or activities of a specified or indeterminate kind that are being referred to, indicated, or implied. 
     Worthless or foolish ideas, speech, or writing; rubbish.
Such as:
     He stuffed himself with turkey and dressing.
     He is a stuffy person.
     A pickup truck picked up the stuff.
     And in Britain it is a vulgar term such as our F word.  Stuffed/ F-ed.

In my apartment the definition would read:  She has so much "STUFF" she jokes she lives in a storage bin.
     Yesterday I took on the crazy job of cleaning my storage bin to downsize. What a "Stuffing" joke as they say in Britain. I had no idea the severity of my decision.  I was all organized. Had my diet coke (I know I know!) My little dog and her bed. The appropriate keys to engage entry to the dark hallway of what I fear most besides water.....giving my "STUFF" away. 
     My friend came over the other day and walked through my apartment.....stood at the other end and said, "You got too much shit in here!"
     I said, "What?"
     She said, "That antique wardrobe has to go. That table has to go. That oak plant stand has to go.  That table behind your dining room table in the corner has to go. That french Provincial dresser along that wall has to go. And maybe we can re-do that chair so it can stay. 
     You see I bought a new sofa because I had two loveseats and when my significant other snores, gasps, chokes, and sputters, half the night I cannot sleep.And neither of us can use earplugs because we have anxiety issues from long disturbing lives making us think there will be a fire or earthquake or a plane might fall on the building and we would miss it!  We do not have three bedrooms so the choice was sleeping on a love seat which I tried many times or buying a new sofa.  Following me?
     The living area isnt very large so friend was trying to help me decide what and where to put what and where.  When she left I was even more confused. Hence...clean out the bin in case I need to STUFF more STUFF in it.  And so I did. I took everything out. Filled my car with antique lamp, antique bird cage, Queen size Serta blowup mattress, clothes, boots, Halloween light up pumpkins, and a brand new cot for the granddaughter to sleep on when she comes to visit, minus its end piece which is under the bed because we are too dang old to stretch it to snap on. Now I have to run that back over to the Hospice Store as I forgot it under the bed.  Jeez.  Back to my point.  There are six bins, one very large bin full of Christmas decorations.  I cant bear to give them away.  But do know there is no room for a Christmas Tree. Nope. Will put one on the porch outside is best we got. So why keep them?  Because. They are from a huge Victorian White Flocked Christmas tree all my children grew up with 40 years ago. Gold and white birds, porcelain figurines, personalized ornaments, pink pearl garlands, roses, pink poinsettia's, and on and on. There are some things I could part with but I would still have five bins STUFFED full. Give them to the kids?  Doubt any of the five want them. Times change.
     This is my office:  I cant believe I am sharing this.  I am not a hoarder but my significant other moved in and I had to get creative regarding space for another person when there was no space for another person. Maybe that was a hidden clue. LOL.

 This is a view from the entrance door. Notice the two lamps on the floor I couldn't bare or is it bear to donate.  The lamp under the clock was the first item I purchased after getting a job after years of being home with the babies.. It cost me $75.00 in 1975.  The top globe is broken so I STUFFED a candle where the bulb goes.  The ottoman is where I feed my cats so the dog cant eat their food as she has pancreatitis and cat food isn't good for her. She isn't able to jump up there.

This is the view to the right of my desk. Family photos and books dear to me.  And a large cat scratching post. 

 This sits directly in front of me.  Antique HOTEL KEY HOLDER.  I have stuffed all sort of wonderful trinkets, miniature books, old buttons in babyfood jars, jewelry in jars, and my sons portable cassette player that is 12 years old at least.  Beneath that is the printer and books. On the side is the Kitty Litter.  I am graced to have it in my office. The half moon picture on top is from the home I owned in 1996.  Cant seem to part with it.  Yes I know this looks like a STUFFED room. Because it is.  Notice the names under the cubbies of the Hotel holder. You know dang good and well when I die my children will come in with garbage bags and scoop it all up and out. 

This is behind me. It is a lovely curio given to me by a Hospice patient when I was volunteering. It matches my desk and reminds me to be thankful.  The white scarf belonged to my Grandfather. Inside are all sort of neat things.  A dozen dried roses my son surprised me with one mothers day 8 or 9 years ago. An antique clutch purse, a painted Santa on a gourd. Two porcelain dolls, one from my 45 year old son years ago, and the other from my 38 year old son years ago. An Angel wind up music box from my daughter one mothers day. An antique "Ginny Doll" that was mine. I learned to sew with it at age 10 and up. A pillow I made for my daughter when she was little. I used old jewelry. Next to it a photo of my deceased dog "Daisy."

The Blue Morph Butterfly in the left corner is from a special mentor friend in Oklahoma. The Blue Morph is a  healing symbol from when her husband passed from cancer years ago. The Ginny Doll is behind it. 

The dolls from my sons. The antique purse, the 3 little stuffed dolls and a homemade Christmas card from my son in prison.....

1. 
   The handmade velvet pillow, My daughter and my picture is in the heart locket with the cross between us. The dozen dried roses from my son who surprised me on Mother's day 8 years ago.  Photos of my Foster Daughters and a music box tea set.
2. 
   
3. So what's my point?  I dont really know.  I was sharing with my own blog today whether anyone reads it or not.  I had an idea to take photos of all the belongings that are dear to me and make a "Coffee Table Photo Album" of them.  I could go look at them whenever I wanted to.  BUT  I wouldn't be surrounded by all my children and Grandchildren who have moved far away.  I would probably just find all sorts of new things to STUFF every corner with.  That's just who I am.  Comfy, Cozy, and Loving Life.

Sorry....Cells Have Memories and They Took Over!

So I know I got a little beyond "Nasty," Low Life,  Contemptible, degrading, disgraceful, disreputable, loathsome, reprehensible....retched, vile, shameful....no good, slimy, worthless and more when writing the last blog a few days ago.
I was angry and disgusted.  But what I said was true. I simply should have used a much different analogy regarding how our brains feel when misused. 
Please forgive. I should be ashamed. (But I am not) 
I must have a few low life's in the background of my family whose cells took over inside my mind and ran down my fingers to the keyboard and pushed all the keys necessary to take my class and shove it down the drain replacing it with muck from my kin who used to work and travel with the circus.  Sure wasn't me! I have proof~  The guy in the Leotard was the circus man my Grandmother married.  Torphy was his name.  My mother is on the far right. "Babe." 

• Le me also make it very clear there is another side to my family.  The one with class.  Maybe that is why I vacillate from one side to the other but not too often.  

 

This is my other side:

Put up with me....it's worth it most of the time.

I Call Bullshit! My Brain Needs Some Tender Loving Care!

A weak Muscle is like a limp dick.  Maybe I should have typed, "A weak muscle is like a LIMP DICK!"  Not sure even the emphasis / drama would help.  A limp dick is a limp dick.  Have you ever tried to get a limp dick up and running?   It just lays there limping like a paralyzed leg.  It sways from one side to another. It never stands up. It is just that....an "IT!"  That is not what "IT" was created to do. Be limp that is.  Maybe God or Mrs. God finally said.... "I Call Bullshit!"  Enough is enough.  You limp dick did your duty and now your done.  Obviously. Evidently. Ostensibly, and undoubtedly!

 Well my slow to get to point is:  Sometimes our minds are like a Limp Dick! The brain waves sway from one side to another.  The brain waves fight standing up for the  person they belong to.  You become an "IT." No mind of your own. No fight left. You just lay down and die like a Limp Dick. Like you "gave life" (is that a pun) and it didn't work out so well go lets go lay down and die.

Sometimes a little blue pill will help it get up for a minute or two or four hours over the top. No moderation. Sometimes a  little white pill can help the brain do a bit better for a bit of a while.  Chemically driven of course. So what the heck is my point?

It is:  Do not allow anyone to speak to you or treat your mind, body, or spirit, badly for very long. If you do your mind will become a limp dick. Your life will become a limp dick. Your spirit will sink into limpdickism. Your tears will fall unheard as your friends will see  you as their limp dick friend. No help will help.  No pill for stupid.  A limp dick is a waste of time and might I add energy. Depending on how it is attached to the brain of course.  A simple analogy.

I looked up Limp Dick:  Got this:

1. Make him do more Cardio exercises. He needs only 30 minutes a day. THIS IS WHAT WE SHOULD DO FOR OUR BRAINS ALSO.  I TOLD YOU THEY ARE SAME SAME.

2. Cook for him.  OH SWEET JESUS. COOK FOR HIM AFTER YOU WORK ALL DAY 

3. Have more FOREPLAY with him.  OH DEAR SWEET MOTHER MARY OF GOD WHO GOT INSEMINATED SPIRITUALLY.  LETS TRY SOME ORAL BRAIN FOREPLAY LIKE KINDNESS AND GIVING!!!!!!!  CARING!!.  THAT MAKES MY BRAIN STAND UP AT ATTENTION.

4. Purchase him a vacuum penis pump. OKAY WE AREN'T GOING THERE.. I LISTEN TO POSITIVE TAPES. 

5. Try using a Cock ring. SAME AS WRAPPING YOURSELF AROUND MY BRAIN WITH LOVE. SIMPLE. SO SIMPLE. BE NICE. WHO MESSED WITH YOUR CONFIDENCE OR WHO DIDN'T EVER TEACH YOU TO BE NICE. LOOK IT UP. GOOGLE IT. 

I GOT SOME OF THIS FROM: Until next time… it’s Dr. Drai.)  BUT I DO NOT NEED  A DOCTOR DRAI TO TELL ME WHAT MY SWEET PRECIOUS BRAIN NEEDS. IT NEEDS LOVE. KINDNESS. HUMOR....PURE AND SIMPLE ON A DAILY OR AT THE LEAST EVERY OTHER DAY BASIS.  

THAT IS WHY I AM CALLING BULLSHIT.  SIMPLY MEANT SOME CHANGES ARE IN ORDER! IF WE DON'T MAKE THEM NO ONE WILL.  IT'S OUR SPIRIT, SOUL, AND BODY WE ARE IN CHARGE OF.  AND DANGED IF I WILL EVER BE RELATED TO A LIMP DICK.  

MPOW Headphones

       That stands for "Me a Prison of War" to these headphones.  Pink headphones. That is truly the reason I bought them.  A friend of mine messaged me that Menard's had a set of Pink headphones (obviously she knew I like pink,) for $14.95 and the sound is good for listening to books.

       My kitchen is pink, my clothes lean toward all pink, I think pink, and if I were younger my hair would be pink!  That said....I went to Menard's same day. All sold out!  Went online. No pink left. So I upgraded and ordered a PINK pair (I have learned to dislike the word pair) for $39.95. Amazon Prime. Two days later they arrived to my excitement. (Which didn't last long)I cut open the box with vigor.  Wow, even got a grey suede pouch to travel them in.  Problem was I have never figured out how to fold them up. No instructions.  I pull out the little book and I mean LITTLE with little print and little instructions. ALOT of other languages of little print.  So as not to further confuse me I cut the other extra pages of languages off with my trusty scissors causing the entire little book to fall apart all about my desk.  Might I add no page numbers.  I had to wing it. Then I found the page #'s!

       I guess I forgot I hadn't owned a pair of headphones for decades. I pulled them out of the box, charged them up pushed the button on the side of the right headphone and the darn thing talked to me.  Scared the hell outta me which I could stand to lose anyway. It said, "You are connected!"  Connected to what?  As a blue and red light blinked all around my ear like an outer space toy.

       I removed the pretty pink talking blinking "thing" and began to examine it.  What was I truly dealing with here?  All I wanted was to listen to a book.  But I figured I better read the little instruction book or that may not ever happen. 

       In fact after I accidentally made a phone call with "Them headphones" that now seemed alive to me, to a lawyer after hours....I set them gently on the side of my desk for at least a week before re-attempting a relationship with them.

       Then  I start reading the fine print. Again

      

 There are five pages of how to short press, long press, how many seconds for this and that and all on one inch and a half circle on the side of my  head.   It also appears I can talk to "it" and "it" will respond and talk back. 
1- power on
2- Pairing with phone, PC, watches, TV, and probably the neighbors!!
3- Phone 1 connect
4- Phone 2 connect
5- disconnect
6- volume (ah ha!)
7- mute
8- Switch on = blue light flashes 3 times
9- Switch off = red light flashes 2 times
10-incoming call = red and blue take turns flashing  Dear God
11- Pairing = red and blue take turns and voice talks to me
12- Connection = Blue light flashed one time every 6 seconds
13- Music and phone calls same as 12.
14- Low Battery = will get a doo doo doo sound.  Now that is appropriate for all this mess.
15- Charging = Red light on all the time / do not use during.
   
CHECK THIS PAGE OUT: Key Function

       Need I number and explain ?  Nope! 

       I have dyslexia.  These headphones are one of my worst nightmares other than death by dismemberment.  In a dream of course. After accidentally calling my lawyer I have become afraid of my new pink gadget. What is it going to do next?  Whatever I tell it to do which is the issue at hand. Or head.  I need a mirror to see which side of the little circle to hold for 2.5 seconds etc. But then it would show me backwards!   Do you recall being a kid and having to learn to comb your hair while looking in the mirror?  Well I can.  Or setting your hair in rollers in the 60's.  I guess if I learned how to roll hair in the mirror I maybe can learn this???????

And as for the Audio Cable!  I do not have a clue which hole to put that in on my PC.  Is that for microphone or listening?  I am a fairly intelligent human being.  I think what has happened is a few decades of getting behinder. I took shorthand in school. I took typing.  I took art class.  I learned cursive and etiquette. I took Home where they taught us to cook and sew which I realize now earned me no Social Security whatsoever.  Nor did those five babies I had!  Nor did the three husbands had I killed I would have been out by now.  Of course we know I am kidding on that one. Sort of. That was my Mother's old Buick.  I have since upgraded to a new SUV  but couldn't find my photo of new bloody leg.

       So here I sit with my cutesy pink headphones from outer space techno-land.  If I ask my Granddaughter she will ZIP thru an explanation for me while I stare at her like a deer in headlights.
     
       Then she will calmly say, "What don't you get?"  So I have learned how not to be treated. I don't ask. 

       I put them on for you all very carefully so I wouldn't "eardial" anyone by mistake.  Your getting the early morning sunglasses, no makeup, shot of Grandma in her pink headphones she cant operate.