"Life is Messy"

by Julianna Rowe:

Life is Messy is a book I just listened to by Mathew Kelly.  In fact I listened to it twice. "This book is about putting our lives back together, and allowing ourselves to be put back together, when life doesn't turn out as we expected it to.  This book is a loose collection of about 78 journal entries, written by the author mostly during very difficult and depressing times in his life." (I took that from online description)

My life has been long I believe due to an inability to retain, co-dependency, some bad genes, and too much faith.  You can have too much faith and I DID.  There is an old adage that states "You can be so Godly your no Earthly good."  That was me!  Everything was "WWJD?"  What would Jesus do?   So I did what I thought was pure unconditional love.  Boy did I get hit with a resounding two by four.  Hell, even Jesus turned over the tables in the temple.  But not me, nope, my soul was deep in the mud as my eyes below tell the story without any words.  Those were the eyes of a sad woman near the ending of a disabling situation. I have journals like Mathew Kelly writes about.  Journals of words trying to save myself from the quicksand I was in.   I wasn't pulling a cart with no horse, I was pushing it from behind.  I was trying to ride a dead horse.  Image that?  A horse laying on the ground weighing near a ton and I'm trying to get my leg under it to straddle it and what?  That was going no where.  A mental delusional attempt to keep riding a bicycle with no tires.  I have always been tenacious obviously in all areas unable to decipher when to and when not to until it nearly killed me.  What causes someone to hang on to a limp branch with rushing water below when there is a reachable escape?  Who does that?

 If you cover my left eye you will notice fear in the right eye.  In all three photos . The right eye shows more hope but I was seeing life dominantly from the right.  The eyes are the window to the soul/heart. So, I had fear and hope.  That made for quite the messy life.  You can do this little trick with a photo of yourself. One eye always shows more contentment than the other.

                                                             October 24, 2020  In it. 

I wallowed in my messy life for six months and then some.  I tried not to.  I blamed myself, I examined myself, I sat at the cemetery hoping to hear my sweet Grandma Tillie or even a hopeful woof from one of my deceased pets.  Cant say I didn't hear anything because I did.  I was told to act as though I were skating on smooth ice.  That I was capable of doing it with one leg outstretched behind me.  Of course that was to be a mental parable.  I was also told to float like the ducks do in water.  Peacefully float until such time when I can run again. Laugh again. Dance again.  And so I did.  Day after day. Hour by hour.

 

                                                                  March 24, 2021 = Six Months OUT

And then it started to happen.  I started to smile again.  I stopped having nightmares and started slowly going out and dancing with a friend.  I still feel the loss but I am not sure what it is.  Maybe its just simply life throws us shit and we have to shovel it up and away and move on.  (Tell your brain and your heart to get it together!)  The longer you linger the less time you have left to live.  And I am on the rear end of that story.  My latest question for life is:  What am I here for? 

  

October  24th, 2021 =   Eleven Months OUT

My goal now is to listen:   I must find out what am I here for because I am real tired of dead horses and heavy carts.  Lesson learned.  I deserve to have outlived my messy life and see what happens next.  I'm B - A - C - K!  Saddle up and ride with me.  

Narcissist? by Steve Holmes

 This is for my friend who needs a little push to understand.  

Steve Holmes

Relationships with Narcissists

Oct 4

How can we be safe in relationships with a narcissist?

You cannot.

A narcissist has one ultimate purpose for a partner in a relationship - to absorb everything they don’t like about themselves. You are their dumping ground for their negative inner feelings because they are incapable of processing their own fallibility and regularity.

The narcissist must feel special, unique, better in a relationship. They must feel they are higher to their partner. Therefore, once the partner has been lovebombed (emotionally secured), the narcissist will initiate the long cycle of devaluation.

A narcissist’s inner pressure grows over time. Work challenges. People challenges. Envy. Rejection. Lack of attention. Not getting their way. Like a child, as this pressure grows, it needs an outlet. In the case of a child, they hit their sibling, or color on the wall, or throw a temper tantrum. Act naughty and lash out. The child does not possess the emotional reasoning and self-reflection skills to process their discontent, jealousy, or boredom.

A narcissist is an emotional child. It does not matter how much you love them or how well you bend to their wants or desires. This is a very, very hard concept for partners to accept. It goes against everything we know. You can do nothing to stop the impending storm. You will be lied to because the narcissist feels like it (coloring on the wall). You will be ignored and given the silent treatment. You will be criticized and belittled because they feel vulnerable or annoyed and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. You will be cheated on because they want to prove to themselves that they are attractive and special. You will always be less than them. You will be strung along through inconsistent crazy-making behavior and you will survive on breadcrumbs when they have good days and decide to ‘reward’ you. It will be enough to keep you hopeful. A hope that will not be realized.

There is no safety in a relationship with a true narcissist. You only will stay for as long as you endure the whole of who they are inside.

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The correct Introduction: For "Love After Life" by Julianna Rowe

I POSTED THE INCORRECT INTRODUCTION TO MY NOVEL :  "LOVE AFTER LIFE" in my previous blog.  This is the correct introduction that was not PRINTED in my book.   The publisher tells me it would cost a lot to purchase a new ISBN number and fix this error.  They say they never received the introduction.  Of course they would say that.  This introduction was very important.  Life hands us shit sometimes.  We just  have to shovel it away and move on!  

Introduction:     Raised in an abusive home left Julie open to be controlled and manipulated.  Abuse "lay" within the cells of her ancestors allowing it to be "passed on" from death into her, Willie, and Jack's lives.  The invisible cloud of haunting winds led her through difficult times.  Another force was in control of her destiny. 

Julie's Father was abusive drawing her into a relationship in her next life as she tried of find love and correct the lying cells within the walls of her mind and heart.  Before his love for  her, Jack fell into teh mental effects of Hell calls War causing him long term life emotions dysregulation.  It's called CPTSD, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and it destroys those they love and those that love them.  Julie's eyes were blinded to Jack's abuse by the love she had for Willie in her past life.  Love lifted her to the highest place on earth with Willie and took  her to the depths of Hell with Jack and his emotional thunderstorms that drowned out her wisdom. 

To birth true love is a miracle and Julie expect it to grow to maturity and live on forever as the cells of her memory called to Willie.  Yet as in the birthing of a human, life interfered with her authentic self and her delusive dreams with Jack.

            Available at amazon.com  Amazon Kindle   

                         Barnes and Noble online 

      "Love After Life   by Julianna Rowe"

Love After Life.....Once Upon Two Lifetimes....by Julianna Rowe

 “LOVE AFTER LIFE”…… Once Upon Two Lifetimes

                                    

 Introduction:

“In my new life,” I saw and heard things that could not be identified.  Sounds in the middle of the night, lights flickering, dreams that not only seemed real but were real, and more often I sensed those unidentified unseen conditions around me. 

 I would meet someone I knew but didn’t know.  I could feel that person like they were inside me, like they were part of me yet I had no memory of how I might have known them.

And then I saw him….I starred uncomfortably as he smiled through a veil I couldn’t make sense of.  Confusion swallowed me momentarily like a flash of light during the day.  He handed me his business card.  Unusual, but his signature glowed like it was alive reaching out to me.  Little did I know the glow was hiding a deadly emotional fire.

And in the end we soared the Universe together…. We tasted colors…. we....

 This is an old introduction to my now published Love After Life by Julianna Rowe

 Available at Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.  

In fact I just noticed the publisher left out my introduction!   O well here it is.

Fairies.........by Julianna Rowe

I passed a hidden path today on my way to work.  I stopped, parked, and walked to it for some pictures. It reminded me of a movie I have among my stash of movies, and on the cover of that movie were the words, this is "The Truth." In the movie, two little girls find a hidden pathway behind their home in England, leading to a creek and a secluded pond. At the hidden place there were real live fairies. And I love fairies. 

When I was a small child I always dreamed of having my own little person. I would be very creative in finding ways to dress the little person, bathe the little person, find a bed and mattress, chairs and food! I was very good at this within my mind. Right down to making a home made toothbrush. And here was the secret path to the fairy of my youth. My own little person to love and take care of. 

Maybe that is why when I grew up I wanted 10,000 children of my own. I didn't get quite that many, but close. 

So back to the secret path.  Maybe not so secret, and maybe totally close to rush hour traffic and a huge University Hospital and so on, but to me it took me way back to a time when I had one little person to take care of and find creative ways to love, feed, dress, build furniture for, and the best part is no one knew about it but me. There was no interference. How lovely is no interference when you live in a severely controlled environment.  I wonder where the imaginary real fairy person of my mind is today? I know it is fine because I took explicit care of it until one day it disappeared just like I will someday. See, fairies are for real just like the movie said!  

Maybe I am one of them. 

Don't Pee on My Head and Tell Me it's Raining..by Julianna Rowe

That's right. Don't pee on my head and then tell me its raining! (Seems to be Judge Judy's favorite saying... She's not my idea of fair and decent though. More like dramatic and showy.) So unlike me, WHAT? And that's her paycheck so...it is what it is. I heard that phrase on some talk radio show the other day and at first I laughed and then I thought about it. And you know when I think it can become serious. Either a terrifying "true fiction" right out of the bowels of my brain, or a silly blogpost. I have always heard the older you get the less you care about what people think or say. Not "sa" sure! I flip flop on that one. Like I lose my patience with liars and cons and salespeople are the funniest. I have seen and heard every diff type of salesman because I have been around a long time. The faces change but the pitch doesn't. And I was one of the best in my day so there you go on that score. So I think I am smart? Yup I do! But I don't like anyone throwing dirt on my space and thinking its alright. Society has really changed since I was a young one. Do you remember when there used to be something called an "Accident." Now everyone is guilty and the more the better. There is allot of this peeing on everyone else's head and or legs and or space and it comes very systematically and politically correct! Feds pay prisons good money for those not so guilty people that had those "not so much" accidents! I could go on regarding many other little lion shops like doctors are now accountants blah blah blah. Gladiator days with lions of a different species is what I call it. And who can lie the best wins. In court, at the "cop shop," in the military, in our government, at school, at work. Amazing. It used to be just cons and bad people that did it. Now its 75% of our
P O P, population! But I still wont tolerate anyone peeing on my head and telling me its raining. As for age and patience... who said that anyway? Now where's my little black dress so I can get on with this honest, kind, and happy day! I make it a point to dodge the yellow rain.

flickr.com/photos/voight-kampff/414487631

Intuitive Mountain? by Julianna Rowe

I awoke to a severe deep burning pain in my right leg.  Leaping out of bed only to exacerbate the intensity is something I have learned to live with over the past couple of years.  Actually I think one of my muscles was interacting with what had just happened to me in some far away place where dreams occur.  Because they do occur and it is real and there has to be a place for them.  Maybe over the rainbow or maybe wherever we chose them to be...  China....who knows.  I just  know I was at one of those places this evening.

As I came from the "rest" room, (why anyone ever named it that is beyond me.)  Finishing the activities of the "rest" room I exited into the small sometimes narrow corridor leading back to the place of my more recent dream that seemed to have truly happened.  I stood in the dark of that narrow corridor suddenly reliving each scene like it was a movie I watched a few hours ago....Standing there frozen in time, hearing only the roaring sound of the propelling fan I use to muffle the sounds of the night and maybe the sounds of those far away places we go in our sleep. Nevertheless, I had gone off again to China or wherever, and there in the corridor all alone were the memories and the sinking fears of it.  Frozen. Why not just keep walking? It was after all only a dream. It wasn't real, was it?.  Oh yes it was.  I had left home on foot walking to some unclear but sure destination.  And as always there were cliff drop offs to raging waters of death far below...and then road came to an end for me. I pondered turning left and then right and eventually full circle only to find no where to go.  That is when I heard a sound from above.  I looked up to see the road actually continued but at an almost 90 degree angle. One tree, one vehicle, and a back pack was all that was in sight and that was a ways up the steep gravel embankment that was my new impending goal. Starring at it my thoughts were again frozen along with my body and any movements that might need or want to take place.  I had come this far and now I stopped dead in my tracks.  Scared to nearly death! Then a man come walking down the gravel towards me with his hand outstretched. 

He said, "Where you off to Missy?"  I said, "I have to get to Janesville for a job."  

He motioned for me to come on with him, he would get me there.  I hesitated for what seemed some crazy earthly reasoning that was certainly out of character in this time and place. He might harm me or worse, this man from no where sleeping in his car on the side of a very tall and, for me, unreachable, unattainable stretch of road I needed to travel.  So, I took his hand and with great ease he moved me forward toward his old car.  The car was from another era also. Seems we all met at this one particular rendezvous that was predestined for just this one nights stage called a dream. Who was he? How did I know the car and when was it a part of my life? Why couldn't I walk it?  The road wasn't steep for the man.
We drove for a long time down and around winding roads and past waters. They didn't seem as frightening as when I walked them.  I do "wonder" if my own mind didn't cause the roads to narrow, the rocks to fall, the inclines steeper and the waters deeper than in true reality. Who was that man? Was he God? Or was he an Angel sent to show me an easier way then the one I had been treading?  Maybe he was my Great Grandfather.  Wouldn't that be cool. No. That is only cool if you get to know it was him. I think it was. Not the Great Great Great G that murdered his wife child, but the one that owned a large farm and gave my Father his first nice car.  His name was G-Grandfather Heiny. I know, what a name to be stuck with.  Yup, I pick him.  Whoever he was he got me to my job in Janesville all safe and sound. The job is another story from beyond...  to be continued. We all have our mountains, dont we?  I have never worked in Janesville by the way.