"Witchy Woman" on an Autumn Day......by Julianna Rowe

WITCHY WOMAN,  HAVE MOP, WILL TRAVEL

By Julianna Rowe

October in Wisconsin. Seventy-three degrees, beautiful sunshine, and the kind of weather that makes you wonder if Mother Nature has finally lost her calendar. Normally, by this time of year, we're digging out sweaters, complaining about the heating bills, and wondering how many layers of clothing a person can wear before losing the ability to bend at the waist. But today? Absolutely gorgeous! The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and apparently, I was losing my mind. I was helping a friend get her house ready for moving, and somewhere between cleaning, organizing, and wondering why people own so much stuff, I spotted a mop. Now, most normal people look at a mop and think, "Oh, good. I can wash the floor."

Not me. I looked at that mop and thought, "I wonder if this dang thing can fly?"

I don't know what possessed me. Perhaps it was the beautiful weather. Perhaps I was suffering from an overdose of cleaning products. Or perhaps, after all these years, my inner witch had finally decided to come out of the broom closet. Whatever the reason, I grabbed that mop, positioned it between my legs, leaned forward, and prepared for takeoff. My granddaughter Danielle, who has apparently grown accustomed to her Nana's questionable behavior, grabbed her phone and started taking pictures. There I stood in the driveway, clutching my magnificent flying machine, looking like the Wicked Witch of the West. 

"Take the picture!" I hollered.     

And she did. Unfortunately, the mop didn't move. Not an inch. I bounced a little. Leaned forward. Considered giving it a running start. Nothing.  Apparently, this particular model was designed strictly for floors and had not received FAA approval for interstate travel.

But the real trouble began when I saw the photograph. Somehow, between Danielle's camera and the mysterious world of artificial intelligence making the photo, my feet had grown to approximately the size of two aircraft carriers. GOOD LORD! I was wearing my expensive Earth Shoes. You know, the comfortable ones that cost around a hundred dollars and are supposed to make walking feel like floating on a cloud? Well, apparently, they had expanded into a complete flotation system. I looked like Bigfoot's grandmother heading out for a night on the town. Those weren't shoes anymore. They were pontoons! Forget flying. With feet that size, I could have walked across Lake Mendota without getting my socks wet. And the worst part? I had already posted the picture on my Facebook Story with the Eagles' song "Witchy Woman" playing in the background.  There I was, making my grand debut as Wisconsin's newest airborne witch, sporting footwear large enough to require its own parking permit.

I can just see the headlines: LOCAL WOMAN CAUSES TRAFFIC JAM OVER MADISON. AUTHORITIES REPORT SHE WAS LAST SEEN HEADING WEST ON A MOP, WEARING SHOES THE SIZE OF CANOES.

Happy flying! 

The Happy News Lady 💛

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