The Colonel Came Through..... by Diane Ogden

Well "hot damn" if the Colonel didn't come through for Esther.  If you recall from a previous blogpost called "Is That a Burqa in Your Pocket?"  I was describing my friend's retired colonel husband in detail. Well not total detail, but detail non the less.  He watches every penny, drinks from a hidden bottle in his closet and I don't mean a little one, I am talking where the H does a person buy one of those five gallon jugs of high dollar (he doesn't skimp on himself) Brandy that make you fall down and break your crown all over the rug.  Personally I do not know where one would purchase such a thing except a paint store.  I don't drink brandy to excess. I drink other things to excess.  No I don't it just sounded good right there in that spot.
What's my point?  The Colonel took Esther to the car dealership and ordered Esther a car.  He told her he would get her a basic car she could drive from point A to point B.  Esther wondered if that would include a radio and a windshield??   Esther is a fairly quiet woman but this wasn't going to do in her mind. She raised her voice to the Colonel and said, You've got to be kidding! Do you recall my first car was a Corvette and if you think at this wise age I am going to start driving a BASIC car you are out of your mind!"  At that point The Colonel decided it would be in his best interest to order one of those new fancy Volkswagen's. The Cc.  Yup, moon roof and all.  Why she thought she had died and gone to heaven.  Me, I asked her what she did to get that?  "Did you have to sleep with him after all these years?"  She said, "No."  I said, "Well then you must have blown on it as he walked past you!"  Esther laughed herself silly on that one.  She said he just did it.  Humm. I smell a turd here Esther.
Later that evening The Colonel is standing in the kitchen and Esther is sitting on the sofa.  The Colonel sternly says, "So how much money will you be putting toward this car payment?"  Esther's jaw dropped as all she gets is a small social security check.  Personally I believe that when The Colonel looks at Esther he sees that darn burqa Esther did not answer The Colonel so he said it again with more vigor or should I say more asshole showing.  Pardon the language but boy does it fit right in here.  He then threatened to cancel the car order.  But I told Esther no way would he do that because many of his buddies work there and he would look like he wore the burqa.  We call The Colonel Archie bunker...  Really he could be his twin!!
Stay tuned to hear more about The Colonel and Esther.  You haven't heard anything yet.....

(p.s. a burqa to me represents being seen and not heard, nothing against religions of course)
photo compliments of Omar Sharif

It's Junuary!....... by Diane Ogden

I heard that phrase Junuary on TV the other day and possibly we need to change the spelling of June for real.  Two weeks ago we had freeze warnings for two nights in a row.  Last week it was over 100 and humid two days in a row. And this week I have my heater on under my desk!  That would be today June 12th, 2011.  What the flip is going on? Is Al Gore right about climate change or was that just his was of hiding his personal climate change issues?  (He sure did disappear didn't he?)  Some new trend? We all know the world lives by trends. I do wonder who is the trender maker. Greenspan used to make the trendy calls regarding $$.....so who is it now? No body, because there "aint" so much cash flow to make calls on.  Maybe I will bake cookies and forget it....the sun is out and the heaters off.  The birds are singing and the good news is I am still upright!    

Bag Lady Day Extra-Ordinaire.....by Diane Ogden

OK, so this is a bad picture of me! No make-up, double chin that really isn't there, bad hair day, looking fat which of course I am not! Do I look fat? I didn't think so!  My neighbor caught me donig the bag lady look in our underground parking.   It appears as though I have been to the trash room, dumpster diving and am now heading off to my cardboard heaven, haven for a restful freezing wet evening of slumber with me dog. Not! Actually I woke up this morning feeling a tad under the weather. I put the dog and her travel bed (a bed on stilts so she can see all) into the car, put some comefy sweats on, could'nt find the makeup case and said, "screw it" and left for garage sales with my trusty little red money bag.  I spent $20 and you wouldn't beleive what my treasures are......  Most of it baby clothes and toys for the new Grand.  But a little corner of this table is for mwah.  The coolest sofa pillow, a small satin clutch purse I will display somewhere, a fabric covered photo frame to match the pillow and clutch and a kitchen rug with fruit all about it.  Classy fruit, not a cheapy bright display.  Then one lady offered another entire bag of clothes and baby items FREE and not pictured as her sale was ended.  I hit it big even though I look like the bag lady extra-ordinaire after my long shopping spree.

I Met Someone Special Today....by Diane Ogden

I walked into this person's home and suddenly felt as though I was in a capsule from another time.  It was a combination of Medieval, Mediterranean, Asian, American Antique, a dash of Hippie, and one quarter cup of class. Well maybe three quarters cup of class +.  I knew that I knew this person from possibly another time in space or another dimension or that we merely have similar taste in life quality and spirituality.  As I walked meandered through each room I came across so many interesting items, too many to mention, but here are a few that enthralled my attention.

Such as many different types of bird feathers being displayed in antique bottles. I believe them to carrry messages and also good luck.  At one point this person felt compelled to tell me the story behind the feathers in the bottles. My new acquaintance had lived in a very large metropolitan area when one day a feather fell from the sky upon her physical being.  That feather was on a mission and my client somehow received it and kept it.  Every day for one year a feather fell from the sky directly to her.  She suspects it was telling her to fly away.  So she did.  To my city where she has now blessed me just by knowing and meeting her.  Now as we toured the home, we entered her bedroom where displayed on each dresser top is jewelry from a time past yet every so present, each piece exhuming its time and presence in the room it continues to live through.  I got it!  I felt it!  Grandmothers necklace was living in a closed glass container.  Reminded me of Jennie in a bottle.  Had I lifted the lid I would have been granted at least one wish by the dear old woman.  I did lift the lid and I suspect I will be granted that wish.  As I followed the owner of this quaint and lovely warm inviting home, I saw at every turn myself and a taste for the life I "wish" I would have honored with more intelligence vs only to find myself without those dear meaningful earthly possessions that most work and acquire to then enjoy. Oh not to say I have nothing.  So as we walk further  into the modern stainless steel kitchen I see a sitting area adjacent to the table where the entire outside wall is of glass windows.  And beyond the wall is a medium size yard that looks like the fairies would have a smashing good time there!  No fairies today....instead an odd number of three little gophers and two squirrels.  One Squirrel being blind in one eye therefore cocking her head to the side as she strolled up to the window.  On the sill are four jars full of peanuts for the critters.  The special person I met today opened the  window and placed a handful of peanuts on the ground.  The ground was level with the base of the kitchen windows should you be picturing this precious 8 x 10 pictorial scene.  These little animals came directly to the sill area with no fear what so ever.  She dropped a handful of peanuts and they graciously ran off with every morsel.  It reminded me of how we are all so connected yet most do not take the time to connect to each other or much "less" an animal of the wild.

Let me add how wonderful I thought the fireplace wall in the living room represented her life.....the wall is Aqua.  Most would not paint their hearth area aqua. In fact the painter asked her if she was sure about this?  She was.  This being because she allows her spirit to lead her and guide her, not the social pallet of her neighbors or anyone else.  The cast iron duck that sits near a tiny antique child's chair, the antique mirrors and paintings, flowerbeds free of weeds cascading down a picture perfect front yard, beautiful woven rugs rolled and placed at the head of the guest bed rather than packing them away.  I could certainly go on and on as you can tell....  just know that today was a good day because I met this person who was able to share part of her life with me.  I believe because she knew that I knew her spirit.  Some days we are just just flippin blessed! Actually every day if you look at what is put before you, even if its "just a feather!" It might make or help you fly to where you are supposed to be........Thanks Karla Knoz !

The Toe Truck and Singing MaMa.....by Diane Ogden

I sure wish this was my idea!  Best I have had was little Green Cars with mops for antenna's for a Green Cleaning Company.  Oh and zillions of daisies painted all over the cars.  Daisy's are clean and fresh I suppose that would be why I chose that particular flower.  Who cares....  back to point.

I am not sure why there is a row of port o poddies sitting in the background of the cutsie Toe Trucks but there they are.  Maybe the Toe Trucks haul around butt shelters?? From one end to the other I would say...  I don't think so but then I didn't do my research.  I happened to get home in time to see Howie Mandel drive up to America's Got Talent in one of those Toe Trucks.  And I knew that was something right up my alley.  That would be the alley in back of my house.  Kidding, I don't live in a house by an alley.

Maybe I will invent the Nail Truck.... or copy the Toe Truck and go around doing house call "Nail jobs"...  look out now its going to get deep in here if I don't stop....  The other truck I saw in my "head" would not be legal or proper.  I cannot help where my head goes sometimes.  My mind thinks by association, therefore I sing by association.  For instance when I see my clients dog named Benny....I start singing "Benny and the Jets" for hours and hours until I get over it or find another association. I work with a girl named Maria which means I hate the song Maria from West Side Story!  I have sung it to death. An ambulance passes me and don't ya know I start singing "Teen Angel, Can You Hear Me, Teen Angel Can You See-ee Me.... Then if I see a hot guy who might be (is) much younger than myself, it reminds me of an old love and I start singing all those ballads Taylor Swift sings right on into the night. Sometimes I wake up at three a.m. and darned if the song doesn't try to get me again. Once I watched the movie Walk the Line and I sang that song for a week. If any of them come on the radio I quickly change stations.  I have no control over the noise in my head.  That is why I know I was Steven Tyler's twin sister in a past life.  I rhyme things too. But I don't do drugs. I was not Howie Mandel's anything in a past life. Back to my point! And the price of gas is not conducive to making house calls for any reason.  I did hear some doctors were starting to do that again....


Soo, lets hope I don't end up driving a Toe Truck around town singing Maria and Teen Angel and Walk the  Line dressed like Steven Tyler.  Humm, might just be a very happy good time!

The Polygamist Wife Hairdo....by Diane Ogden

When the news offers a story regarding the Mormon beliefs on men marrying more than one woman and shows the photos of the many wives, they all have their hair pulled back and UP!  I have had so many bad hair cuts the past few years that I now just pull it back and apologize to myself for looking like a polygamist wife. Polygamy means to "marry often" which I have done also...just not all at once.
Maybe that would have been easier.  One big mess vs three drawn out messes.  Regardless, this is the first time my hair has ever and I mean EVER looked polygamied, polygafied, polygamurdered, and so on.  Every morning when I attempt to fix it before leaving the house I say and do things as unbecoming as my hair cut, to the mirror.
I mean any dummie wouldn't cut hair like this second photo shows it was cut!!
Nasty.

I have since decided to cut it myself.  I let it grow and then snip...let it grow and snip.  Finally it will get there without help from some snot nose young person or even a seasoned tech (which I paid dearly for)  both of which gave me a reversed mullet.  Whaaaattt?  Whyyyy?  I am not a twenty something who likes the new chop cuts.  And I informed the cutter of this.  To not avail.  I also call this cut, "The Dog Ears."  Flops hanging down on the sides and then longer pieces underneath.  See why I am not slowly snipping my own hair? 
I had it almost grown out from the last one (took two years) and then trusted a referral from a trusted friend. Whalla, I lost my 6 inch pony tail and was right (fright) back to the reversed mullet as below.  That is all they know how to cut.  I took pictures in, told them I was not a dog in case they couldn't tell.  And that I knew I was older and wasn't expecting plastic hair surgery.  Just wanted a precision cut not a chop cut or dog ear cut.  They all have a new disease called, "I cant hear you!"  Snip Snip and never go back. Frustration = polygamist hair doo!

It'll be ok..... Because I am not one of several wives.  Thank God cause if I were I wouldn't get any attention with this cut.  Or maybe I would get more, who knows?  Not going there!

The Last Bundle by Diane Ogden

The last bundle will be delivered this weekend and I don't mean the last bundle of joy!  I am referring to the last heavy banded wad of recycled and recyclable newspapers.  The ones that carry news to the multitudes via my vehicle and skeletal bone and muscle mass to the masses...  How do you spell relief?  This is part of it!! Never having to park my car with two wheels on the curb so the city buses can get past me within inches of my rear view mirror! Never having to worry about packing too much weight into my one and only vehicle. Or fighting the crowds around the capital area when there's a marathon race or merely the Farmer's Market which draws in thousands of people who become obstacles like big orange barrels in your quest to the daily finish line.  Never having to go to a dark warehouse in the middle of downtown ALONE, without mace or pepper spray at 5 a.m.  And so on. Don't even ask me to sub, ever ever again.

I started delivering papers in 2004. Sometimes we don't get the relief we wish for as fast as we would prefer.  It has been similar to be married to newspapers.  They are messy and inky and heavy but there is a pay off.  I would say this is my seven year newspaper itch.  I wish to now have an affair with an otherwise way for a payoff.  I am divorcing the newspaper delivery life.  Thank God or not.  Simply meaning I am not so sure God had much to do with it in any way except delivering me from delivering any longer. 

I started this blog in 2007 at which time I was delivering newspapers, The Onion being one of them, out of an old warehouse in downtown Madison.  Before that I had a respected licensed day care in another city which I attempted to move to Madison.  But then similar to Jr. High bullies, some State Workers, of course women, decided to halt all necessary paperwork for my re-licensing.  Me, not being a fighting individual, moved on past it all.  The old "cant fight city hall" cliche ran through my head day and night and was right.  To make a sad story short, I lost everything.  One day someone offered me a paper route.  That meant I could eat again, so I took it.  I drove bundles through blizzards, rain storms, torrid heat, backaches, broken air conditioners, broken car heaters, and on and on.  The papers got me back on my feet, oddly after seven years I am hoping they don't take me off my feet. 

I am grateful to the bundles for the time they served.  That's all!  And I gladly pass them on to some other needy human with a sturdy axle.  No pun intended, of course it is......

I will be missed I am sure of this fact.  Because I told people they looked like a certain movie "star" at least once a day for seven years. There isn't any compliment higher,  given to a passerby unless they are homeless and you hand them a $20 dollar bill.  I was a mere newspaper "star" but the masses wont ever forget me.  My Grand daddy taught me how to make people remember me! Make THEM shine like a star.  Try it and I guarantee success and happiness all the way around.  That would be  my Happy News for the day.