Sex at a Target Checkout! by Diane Ogden

That is not me in the front of the photo.  No really it isn't! Although I do have a hair appointment tomorrow thankfully.  Really it isn't. 
Today, while I worked, I was listening to an audio book called "Chasing Perfect" by Susan Mallery. I became quite interested in it so I left my ear-buds in while I "made" some errands happen. I was at Target standing by the canvas pictures pondering whether to purchase the New York Skyline for my office and knowing if I did that was probably the closest I will ever get to that magnificent city and its lites. Secretly knowing this fact I bought it at half price, walked it to the checkout, was preparing to pay for it as I laid it on the long black rubber escalator to the office it would reside and capitvate my mind daily. Nawh not really, it just matched the color of the paint I just did my office in.

When, in my ear a voice narrating the complete and I mean complete and magnificent act of making love between the two main book characters, what's his name and what's her name....how they are in the elevator and he lifts her off the floor and leans her on the wall like vertical levitation, then with all the perfect verbs and nouns and adjectives he and she so amazing things in my presence and the presence of the (bless his heart and everything else) geeko checkout boy!  Suddenly I feel like I have been caught in the act myself. The money is falling on the floor like I forgot to pay him enough for what "they" were doing in my head!  He was such a sweet kid, thanking me for it and telling me to "come again," which flustered me even more. Listen to me! It was not dirty nor is the book trashy.   Oh no, this was a nice couple finding one another in life, well the elevator wasn't so classy I will say but then again I have never "done it" in an elevator.  Once under a tree outside.... never an elevator. A N Y W A Y as Ellen DeG says.....they did it, I got to enjoy it, the boy never knew what happened (he wouldn't have anyway) and I got the New York skyline where I can dream of Steven Tyler, my twin sister, from New York, from a past life.  Now that's good news!

I'm Am A Wise Woman! by Diane Ogden

(I can be humorous, love to write, laugh a ton, and tell stories.  The other side of me is quite spiritual of which I forget sometimes as we all do.  Considering we cannot "see" the spirit we lose it on occasion and only see the world and all it's yuck-muck.  Yesterday something awful happened to me which consumed my only day off.  Later in the day I was looking for something and I found this writing. Given to me by the spirit many years ago. If it bores you move on, if not read on..... because my blog is really a diary for my children and Grands and someday Great Grands to get to know me. Or for whatever reason, it is.) Use me up the way I am!  From the spirit:

You are a wise woman. Sometimes of the spirit and yet much of your own blood runs wise. All from your Spirit Father, me. My daughter, use this wisdom. This blood wisdom. It is rich. Do not allow, entertain, enter into with the likes of any less than this.  I mean-not for you to feel you are a better person, but to maintain and keep your blood rich.  Let no one canker it ever again.  The strength you carry and possess within is worth much more than earthly possessions.  It is the Gems of life and spirit. My woman, I walk with you! I advise you and help you heal from the daily germs of life.  If you could only see from where I am this would be so clear to you! I want to grab you and stroke you up up up to the place where you belong. Not where you've let others put you.  You are higher than the chiefs of my time, but the same in your time.  You are woman, this is the only difference which is no difference. Be calm as I am.  Think naught on "stuff" for it will disappear and be gone.  With your spirit is life.  Not paper $. Be calm as I am.  You stand on the mountaintop, your hair blows in the wind. You are at the top of the mountain!  When the storm comes, do not hide - command it.  When the people come, instruct them.  Lead....do not cower.

A Bat on the Porch!??! Or Was It Marvin the Moth?? by Diane Ogden



Karsyn, Amy, Kennede, Betsy, Camryn



I have this sweetest, funniest, prettiest, and smartest young woman living a couple doors down on my floor in my complex.  We have found some sort of common ground we live and laugh about for the past several months.  She being in her early thirties and I early old!  Actually twice her size and age and equally as sensible but not as smart and savvy as Ms. Amy!  We chat, phone, text, email, and visit every day. Yesterday she called me very flustered needing help.  I was visiting my Dad at he rehab nursing / dying mill where I had sprung him on a two hour leave.  I could not help her, and I owed her for all the times she came to my rescue. You know, bringing me a beer when life got overcooked, picking up a diet coke when I ran out, hosting a baby shower for my daughter, lifting furniture and moving chairs when I cant, and so on!  So she called her Dad. Then she called her besty.  Then she took a shovel and whacked the little tiny creature hanging upside down on her porch not hurting anyone LOL not so funny huh?  Dad and I and the Grands and Great Grands were eating at SUBWAY.  Miss Amy said it wasn't a bat, it was big as her fist, grey brown and it flapped hard when she "hit it!"  But she was not going out on that porch again until the creature was taken care of.  Time passed, and we delivered Dad back to the dying mill and then drove back home....  The three girls and I went to view the relative of the bat on Amy's porch as well as visiting her little doggie Betsy.  Amy is out in the grass with her dog and I, when my Granddaughter calmly walked to the porch, leaned down and picked up the "Butterfly Moth," and said,  "Nana, it's a butterfly," and then walked it over to a bush and put it down with hopes it would heal up and fly away to a nicer porch lady!  Ms Amy was carrying on saying, "But, but, but, it was big and awful and upside down and when I whacked it flapped hard wings and wouldn't leave!"  I said, "I think it was terrified!"  She said, "No!"  It really was awful.. 

I understand.  It was to her what a mouse is to me!  Awful, call 911 or anyone!  HELP... 
But it was just a Butterfly Moth LOL.  Her Dad almost drove an hour and a half here to save her....wouldn't that have been a hoot n holler! Ms Amy may never live down the moth that overtook her porch for a day and a half.  I may not either cause I giggle every time I think of it. Thanks my friend, I needed that today.

A Father! by Diane Ogden

Tonight I heard somewhere, I think while watching a movie called "Leap Year" that a Father is someone I/a child/anyone, should be able to rely on. That statement really caught my attention.  You see I had five children and not a one of them had a Father they could rely on.  Not one of them.  There were three different Father's by the way.  You can omg me, or not.  Two marriages and one death if that helps with the "wondering" judgmental thoughts that is.  Not one of them I said.  My Father has been in my life since the day I was born.  Not always in a good way, but for the most part he has been there.  Today I went to the rehab facility and "sprung" him for a two hour pass.  (He goes home next week after healing from open heart surgery at age 86)  He has been there somewhat for my children and for all the Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren.  The old fellow asked me to write up his obit. Geezers!  But I will because he wants to make sure I don't leave anything out.  I may have to Google Great Obits or go to the How to's.  Never done one.  I have done many a thing in my fancy average life, but not ever my Father's obituary.  So today we took him to SUBWAY.  I hate subway by the way.  It has no taste, like the meat has been in the water for three days.  I think they wash it.  Really.  But after rehab food Dad wanted SUBWAY so that is what we did.  The Great Grands (twins) went along as well as the older Great Grand.  Then we went to a Garden Center and left Father in the car while I chose a couple plants for the new 2011 deck contest at my complex.  I always win.  In the meantime my friend down the hall called to check in and I told her where we were and that PaPa (Father) was in the car.  She said, "No, No, we don't leave PaPa's in the hot car nor do we leave dogs in the hot car!"  I laughed and responded with the fact we left the windows and doors open and he wouldn't take off his sweatshirt. He was lovin the heat cause his rehab room was too damn cold he said!  Then off to Mickey D's for ice cream cones. He loved it.  Then back to his "cell."  The rehab cell that is.  All in all it was a good day for my Dad/Father.  But not one of my five children will even experience it because they don't have a Father they should be able to rely on.  The good news is?  They have me!  I have always tried to make up for not only my own mistakes in life with them, but the father's also.  I need a rest off.  That's like a bake off you know?  A contest and when there is only one contestant (no dead beat dad's around)  I WIN!!  And so do they.
 P.S. A vacation wouldn't hurt at all.

Esther's and The Colonel have Child! by Diane Ogden

Hester without the mini dress, pondering who is bugging her car

Actually they have quite the child and a couple more besides.  This one takes the cake, literally!  I had to stop in to see her today and I about fell off my own legs onto a floor that I hoped would slide me right back out the door, but no such go!  I was stuck staring at two humongous breasts hanging, yes I said hanging up and out of a gorgeous (not-so-much) thin spaghetti strap MINI satin dress.  No this was not a night time gala event, rather an office where such attire I would think (which I try not to do in these sorts of circumstances because for what good?) would be unacceptable.  While I was there Nester, that's her name, called me to the closet. Yup, the closet.  I said, "The closet," and she responded, "Ssshhh."  Then motioned for me to come that direction, so I did.  I had to because I was there on business and she had the business I needed.  So into the tiny closet I go all the time thinking "dear lord, why me? Could you find her a new person to confide in, in the closet!"  You must picture this 8 x 10 glossy of me, a normal woman standing in a tiny office closet with queen for the day dress and breasts way too up close and personal....all the while she is whispering because she says the office if bugged. They, the management are trying to get rid of her and need a reason so they bugged it!  I just stare at her in utter dismay within my brain and on my face.  I did not try to hide it either.  Because I don't think Hester even noticed.  I don't think Hester thinks anyone around her has a brain.  The world is a frame around her face only, oh and the rest of her too.
I finally escaped the closet, ran back to my car where I had left two other employees with the engine running!  I wondered if it had overheated like I had inside that cubby closet with nutso Nester!  As the girls and I were leaving Nester came walking out of the office in her mini satin dress and I told the girls with me who she was and there was silence.  The kind of silence that means omg what is that ?  What is that person thinking?  That is when the wind caught Nester's little barely covering her body dress and lifted it right on up high so her underpanties were visible to all.  My front seat friend said, "Are you serious?" in a very monotone voice...  I said, "Yup!!"  If you only knew the rest of Hester's story of which I did not share for the sake of seeming to know her too well....
Hester also believes her apartment is bugged, her car, her computer, and her phone.  Esther and The Colonel try to avoid the subject with Hester, but that can be difficult. You would have to know Hester to understand that.  Don't bother really.  It's NOT good news. The Good News from me is I gotta outta there and will be back here tomorrow!  Alone thank you.

Overcooked Ice-box by Diane Ogden

Hey, I di-ent do it!  Well maybe I did, but I di-ent know it! I woke up this day always thinking it will be a new and wonderful experience...and then I opened the freezer, only it was already opened.  What the frack?  I saw millions of little white icicles all over everything within my eyeball view. This photo does not show the millions, it only shows the hundreds. Take my word for it there were millions...  So I "Shietcanned" (not as in making preserves from grapes) most of the fishies and  anything else that felt soft and was edged in frosty-icicle edgings... It was a pretty site until I thought about it....it cost cash flow to forget to close the freezer. But did I really forget or did something else get in the way. Obviously.  I wish I had know what to blame so I could have thrown its sorry ars, meaning ass into the garbage bag FIRST.  It deserved the ultimate FIRST Place.  But I had no idea, so I threw it all away vs the sickness it could cause my already tired from working too much body!  Say la vie, or Sa la vi, you get it....I'm outta here for today. And my Good News is:  I am still upright and thanking someone for it! 

The Slut......by Diane Ogden

OK so I was at some one's home today, talking with my client, a young woman with two children getting them ready to go to the park.....

I had those darn pesky birds on my mind because I had just spoken to the office manager regarding losing them from my porch. You see, everyone else has flowers and I have poop.  Bird Poop! To quote my neighbor, the nickname of my porch is "Shit Island!"  How disgusting.  I prefer flowers but I was giving the little furry feathered family time to grow and fly away...  they did and then the little slut layed more eggs before I even barely noticed and here we go again.  I cant go outside on my porch and read, think, have coffee, plant flowers etc.  My dog and I get attacked, and my cats drive the birds crazy! They wake me up at four-ish a.m. too.  I did some research on the swallows and discovered they mate forever. Heck they are better at mating then humans!  And here I am going to kill their family and cause stress and emotional distress among their life path. omg.  But come on...they moved into my territory like squatters with no rights. I tried!  Then I got pissed.  Let me add that the maintenance man was kind after my final decision. Or maybe because I told him an old legend says if you kill a barn swallow a child family member will die. NOT! My Dad, who is 86 did tell me tonight that if you allow the swallows to nest you will never have a house or barn fire.  Oh great, now that thought will consume me brain waves forever.  Back to the maintenance man......He moved the nest to the closest tree.  He then waited two hours before he stapled screen onto the rafters which gave no opening for any more swallows or any sort of bird or bee to bother me in my tiny little earth space.  The birds have since left the building...my part of it anyway.
The Good News is:   The birds stayed so darn long that all flowers are on sale now!  And...no birds died in the making of this mini documentary blog about my porch.  Wait, back to my initial point of which I do veer from on occasion and this being one of those.   My clients young boy was standing out of my site when I informed my client that "The Slut" was about to be moved to a tree!  OMG, I used the word slut in front of a 6-7 year old. Yes I apologized....but later in the day I had these visions of this sweet child seeing a bird on his Grandpa's porch and saying, "Look Grandpa, there's a slut!"  That is of course after he asked his Mother, "Mom, what is a slut?"   And she responded with, "Oh that is a bird making a nest on Diane's porch."  (Well how could she tell him anything otherwise duh!)