Jail Bail by Diane Ogden

Considering I was up most of last night it is a miracle I am able to keep my pretty browns open long enough 

to write this little tale of horror.   

It all started twenty two years ago when my Grand Daughter was
born.  She was the cutest little thing, even funny, then she grew up and is still funny and can sing like a bird or Christina Aguilara. She is also very pretty. Only problem is she has OCD. We all do to some degree. You know Optimal Cursed Dumbness when it comes to being quiet when things don't go just right.  OK its Obsessive Compulsive Disorder where she cant let go of a subject.  When she gets angry its harder for her to let up and relax.  Sometimes that causes fighting.  Oh yeh!  Its a form of low lifer behavior and she knows it.  This time it came back and bit her in her derier big time.  We are talking
 A R R E S T E D! Hello Geronimo! She was taken away in handcuffs that left marks that lasted into the next day. She wasn't allowed to even get a pair of shoes.  Had no undies on, no bra, and believe me this girl needs one at all times.  It was "Let's hang out at the jail."  She discovered officers who are not the nice helpful kind of policeman on the corner directing traffic and helping little old ladies across the street.  She wore an Orange, yes I said Orange jumpsuit that said, Columbia County Jail on the back, and it didn't smell so well.  She was in a holding area where one fellow was coochie coo-ing her which scared her to tears. He was behind bars so she was safe.
I do wish she would take up cooking, cleaning, and parks and recreation

vs obsessive thoughts on how others do not do things perfectly or even acceptable.  Poor thing truly has the medical OCD.
I think she will be fine.  
But the jail bail paying machine isn't fine.  If you do not have correct change that means you have to leave the premises and go find a convenience (now I know why they are called that) store to get you more money and do not forget the service charge Almighty!  Back I go and when I arrive I am trying to help an older gentleman who was just going to stick forty dollars in it without typing who it is for.  So there I am helping again, duh, but the letter A kept sticking until the old fellow said a few choice words and left.  Poor kid waiting for is canteen $.  All that was wrong is the screen was dirty.  But then those donut eating fellows with the shiny gold badges find it hard to waddle out into the entry to wipe a 14 inch screen off.  In fact they found it difficult to do much I noticed.
They messed up and forgot to key in my information, which meant my bail money wont come back to me, but rather go to the Grand D! What else do they have to do on a Saturday morn.  I watched. Nothing, I say. Nothing much. 
They finally let the poor girl out of the Jail House to which point she began shaking and crying. I do not blame her.  Bad place, Oh yes! Me, I just need sleep now. Good peaceful sleep with no calls from any jail or hospital or highway.  Now I only have one day left before a new week of hard labor.  Maybe the Grand D should get the hard labor huh?  Anybody looking fer Grand D?  Yup, her Nana D is.

It's Dead in the Drink! by Diane Ogden

Can you see that bug in my glass of whatever?  Can you see it?  It is a Nat!  A nasty Nat! It has wings, and eyes and guts and it is dead in my drink!  When things pass away don't they loose their bowels and  poop? OMG!  On my ice cubes in my drink after a long week of  stuff!  Stuff being my college word by the way.  The blessed stupid bug was drawn to MY drink and why?  Is that just life and evolution?  Long week folks.....then working on the porch so I can win the 2011 contest we have every year here at the good old apartment place complex I live at instead of a houseey-house.  When checking facebook most of my "friends" have houseey-houses of which they take pictures of and show off (it's OK, I would too) their birds and flowers and ponds and so on's.... Me, I got a porch. A 13 x 6 foot outside res-i-dencey.  You darn right it gets dense trying to find space for a lifetime of gardening sense and interior design.  I double check with my daughter to make sure I am not Granny-fying the "Porch" before judging day! God forbid should I put too much out there trying to win a lousy $50.00.  You know overkill could kill the whole darn project.  Too many bird cages and doo da days would kill it! Just kidding I know better, I think. 

As for this dead bug with wings and guts and innards I don't wish to think on ... I removed him or her from my drink and, well, I disposed of him / her.  Not my fault the stupido jumped into the sweet water.  I only hope it is a healthy little one and  doesn't carry diseases because after I disposed of it I drank the drink!  Kool-aide, Jonesboro! (google it)  OMG I cant help it, I live by association, you all know that.  Well I do but not the point of really believing that Nat is poisonous.  Nope, just a little poop on the ice cube maybe, eeeww, or the Nat had too much "Stuff" to deal with all week and overdosed on my drink!   Just kidding I wiped the ice cube off with a paper towel after I sprayed it with antibacterial gel.  If you believe that I have more to say tomorrow.   I'll try Yoga next week.

It's All Started at 2:45 p.m. by Diane Ogden

You all know all about the yearly Pepsi, I mean Papsy exam!  My regular doctor is as tall as the tops of my knees in those stirrups.  And I don't mean the kind you use when riding a horse.  My regular doctor is so short he doesn't need a stool to complete the exam.  He is also as wide as he is tall among other irregularities and I don't mean mine.  So I chose to go back to the office of the doctors who delivered a couple of my brood of children.  They OBGYNer's.  Sounds like a the cheering section for some coal miners.  A N Y W A Y as Ellen DG says....Ms. P.A. was very thorough, meaning we talked a long time. She asked if I had any STD's, you know Sexually transmitted diseases.  I said, "Only if you can get it from the cat or dog licking your leg."  She said, "Oh no I mean in the past?"  I said, "Who cares about the past, they'd be gone by now anyway lady!"   I was starting to wonder if the short fat guy wouldn't have been easier. Then I find out she is a P.A. not a doctor who has been out of the country for a year in Canada, decided to come back and is having to re learn the entire computer system. Don't you just wonder what happened in Canada?  She left the room with a little cotton swab, came back and told me I had a little infection.  Sweet. I asked what the plan was and she told me I could go either way.  I said, "Huh?"   She meant I could get medication and swallow it or use it on the other end.  I chose. You don't need to know.  She made me so nervous because she was so nervous. Then came the slammer. She said it was time for the "SLAMMOGRAM."  We walked out to the desk to set up the appointment which I stated had to be late in the day.  Then quietly I mumbled, "Sure I get there at the end of the day when the technician is sick of being there and feels mean!"  One lady in the back started laughing really hard but no one else did.  Hey, its the truth. If that technician is pee weed off at her hubbs or boyfriend your mammories are going to get an extra smush just for him!

  Then I leave. Get to Hell's Gates (WalMart where they have the $4 pharmacy plan) They tell me my insurance doesn't cover the fix all for my doo da day! $40 please but go shop for 30 minutes then it be ready. I came back with only one pair of Rider jeans one size larger than last years. Wonderful!  The pic up pharmacist read me the rules. Here's what he said, "SIDE EFFECTS: Dizziness, headache, nausea, diarrhea, unusual taste in the mouth, stomach cramps, or vaginal itching/burning/discharge may occur, fainting, painful urination, tingling or numbness of the hands and feet, seizures, signs of another infection, fever, persistent sore throat), mental/mood changes, (I need more of that yah!) depression), rash, itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat), severe dizziness, trouble breathing. This is not a complete list of possible side effects.  Soo I looked at Mr. Pic Up Pharmacist and said, "No Thank You!" I'll find another way hey! 

I walked out of Hell's Gates Wal Mart with my Rider Jeans and a new mascara knowing I will live, without the above!  Probably had powdered asphalt from China in it anyway.  
P.S.
Miss P.A. wants to give me estrogen creme for the other end!  I told her if there was any way it would reach my FACE, then YOU BETCHA give me that prescrip NOW!  Otherwise, nah...

Ready For Freddie! by Diane Ogden

This here person is my usually gorgeous neighbor who is showing me how to defend myself should an intruder ever enter my apartment.  She finds it hilarious that I use that particular knife as my extra "DEAD" bolt by placing said knife between the cheap door molding and the door itself.  Yup, full knowing that if anyone chose to come in and visit negatively they could push that molding and the six little nails holding it, right off the wall and my trusty, dull by the way, knife would fall to the floor bloodless!  I have other pictures of her laughing as she shows me how to save myself with a dull knife.  Looks good though doesn't it?  Wanna see one of her funny pics? OK OK! Naw forget it!

Prayer in a Loop.....by Diane Ogden

Have you ever prayed in a loop?  That's praying in a continual circle never ending.

Sometimes from the beginning to the end back to the beginning.  Sometimes not "thinking" there was an answer. 
Then suddenly days, weeks, months, years later....there's the answer.
Wish it were easier, but then nothing is!

The Dream Wall....by Diane Ogden

Now this is what I call real wallpaper!  A personal collage of the greatest meaning.  This is truly what is called "a personal touch!"  Ya think?  Yet I don't see it on the same level as stuffed animals in the back window of Grandmother's Buick or one of those yards full of ceramic animals, bird baths, flamingo's, baby rabbits, hanging this and that's....well maybe its close to that outside thingy ones.  Maybe this would be similar to one of those on the "innie (inside) vs the outie," (outside yard that is!) What is sick about this is I would LOVE to do it on a wall of my house. Yup I would.  Oh God what has happened to me?  Nothing, I love this.  Done tastefully it could work!  Like a dream board only this would be a dream wall!  I have a wall at present in my dining area with framed pictures from top to bottom called "My dead people!"  Obviously the ancestors.  The Dream wall would be everything I want in this world! No Deadness!   WOW, I love it.   Going to do it by Godly which really means I'll have it. You know the believe it you can have it.    So when I die the people that find me or clean my house / apt. will not find dirty undies because Mom told me to ALWAYS have clean ones everywhere just in case so I get hit by a bus or flat die at home, but rather they will find all my hopes and on my dream wall.  Just like the memory walls in various places in the country.  Mine will be my living wall and then become someone else's memory of my dreams, wants, and loves of life.  I already have a bulletin dream board, I will merely expand it.  p.s. I actually framed this picture and put it on the wall with my dead people. ha.  The happy news for today is to be yourself even if you want to put little stuffed skunks in the back window of your car! (oh geezers, try not to, that's badness) 

The Hair Curse Continues.... by Diane Ogden

I have donated several blogs to the bad haircuts I have rec'd the past three years.  I called them reverse mullets.  So now I cut my own hair.  It's getting better little by Google little.  Yes I Google how to cut my hair.  Not- sa- much on the color which has turned into something that resembles medium rust.  Not a good color for me so I made an appointment with the last person that did it well.  I forgot to take the pictures. Don't ever do that OK?  When she finished after two hours, I looked similar to when I arrived.  A little less rusty of course.  This time I told her.  Not a Happy hairdo color I am looking in the mirror at.  I cant see the diff from when I walked in to now $123.00 plus tip later. 
S E R I O U S L Y! I also missed "supper," a shower and change of clothes, the addition of rings and earrings to show I deserve the class I have...
But instead I have work clothes on I wore all day! Maybe that is the curse! That's the curse,  I should've dressed the cause. I looked around at all the hoop la doo da day ladies in the waiting room who got a pedicure just for the impress-ment (of course I know that isn't a word!) of their hair appointment.  They looked like the people who clean their houses before the cleaning people come.  I messed up huh? I should have cleaned up! Thought so, especially after I looked in the mirror.  Then there was the YOUNG girl sitting in the chair next to me who GOT WHAT I WANTED.  No not a man, a decent hair coloring. I even thought maybe I should SETTLE for what I got.  Nope, Nadda, been doing that all me life!  I wont be ugly (speak with no respect) which infers unkindness.  I will express my disappointment in the results.  The hairdresser told me she was a genius and would/could correct anything I didn't care for.  Hope so. Cause I don't look too much different.  Have you noticed possibly I expect too much from the hair do-er person?  I look in the mirror and yup I darn sure expect someone to fix what life has done to this head.  The brain must  be spillin over onto the face and hair and I am expecting someone to FIX IT!  I mean it.  I cant afford the plastic surgeon so next best would be the hairdresser.  I'll just keep trying as I have forever.  Yes forever.... and that's the good news for today.