I must backtrack a few years for you
to understand my next error in judgment.
Some would say it was an excuse. Nope…. How can a person excuse themselves for
something they do or did not know they were doing? It takes time to evolve. Sadly some need to learn through life's hard knocks. Do I wish I had been able to rise above my raising? Sure. But the cells needed were not there so the Universe has to use Plan C.
CHAPTER SIX: Dr. Pig
My father bought me a horse when I
was fifteen years old. I feel bad
I can't recall her name. She was a lazy
stocky pinto, but for someone who had never ridden horses….. lazy was
good. That is until one day while riding/walking down the old farm lane toward the barn she spooked and
bolted. My skinny friend and I were
riding double bareback. She flew off the rear and landed like a feather.
Not me, as usual in life I hung on while sliding sideways down around her neck while continuing to hang onto her face halter. So.... she kicked me to get me off her face! I fell a mere two feet, but somehow those two
feet fractured my left arm and it swelled like
angry storm waters in a raging river.
The local Dr. Pig we will call him
tended to the arm all the while having dishonorable advances towards me. Back to my Grandfather's relative in Colorado right? My God I was only sixteen years old. During my physical therapy he began
making more advances. Massaging my arm up to and under my arm obviously close to my breasts. I was so
frightened not to mention frozen I never returned to his office for years. As well as I never completed the healing therapy
of my arm he was in charge of. You see back then Physical Therapy was at your local GP's office.
He never gave up! I re-connected with him years later as a physician during
the abusive phase of my marriage to Ronnie Lee.
Dr. Pig had a great bedside manner, especially if he thought he could
get you in it and he eventually did. He used the horrible situation I was in to use me. I felt somewhat important seeing the infamous local
surgeon even if it was behind closed doors. A far "cry" from where I had been and was. Where else was I to get uplifted kudo's? My family? My husband? His family? NOT! So the Pig and and I had a quiet affair for some time. He told me all his troubles and vice versa.
How sad when I look back to see my lack of ability to see reality. At least I didn't have to deal with a Procto!!
I was hospitalized twice by
him. Once for pneumonia and later in
life for the embarrassing hemorrhoidectomy. I must laugh at that one. Until the time my father was hospitalized with a life threatening condition. I felt it was my KARMA and feared my father would die because of my sin. But no, Dr. Pig saved his life right there in little town USA hospital with all its/our secrets.
Somewhere inside my mind I knew he
had more problems than I did. But in
retrospect I realize he had started his sick mental take down of me years
previously when I was sixteen. One of
those conquest things in certain men.
Again, I did what was expected of me…..although my pay off was believing
I was bettering myself when in reality I was digging another hole I’d have to
deal with at some point in time, probably still do somewhere on the CD of life inside my head that no one sees or dreams or feels but me. He was
a band aide for an open wound in my life.
As a professional, he could and should have tried to set me on an uphill course
rather than push me further down the destructive rabbit hole I had already set
in motion or was born into?? Heck I wasn’t just falling I was on a collision course. I guess I was ready made for him. I was looking for an external answer to an
internal problem. I never stopped trying
to make that method work for many years.
Dr. Pig moved from his little town
shrine and remains an excellent unhappy surgeon who never figured life out. From what I heard via the
grapevine of facebook, he was a cruel husband to his new wife. Least I missed that bullet!
I continued with Ronnie Lee for a
time and to my knowledge no one ever knew about the doctor and the young girl
who didn’t know her potential. In my
later years when I visit the old small town the old folks look at me and
smile a smile of somewhat understanding. Maturity has a way of showing us our
true connection with one another even when it seems too late to use it in ways
more beneficial to our lives. Possibly
it is a step towards the level we will live in our next life beyond. I can only hope and believe.
Ronnie Lee was having affair after
affair. I had caught him many times but
I didn’t leave. I was on a mission.
One of his affairs was with the
woman who lived behind us. One day I was doing dishes looking out the window and saw them
throwing crab apples at each other and giggling like children. Couldn't get more obvious than that.
He would play with her little boy and take him in the truck he drove for a
living but leave his own son Robbie behind.
Robbie was rejected many times by his father in his tender years and shot at with a gun in his teen years. Yes by his father.
Ronnie Lee was not a well person
mentally or physically but then I had my emotional curses going on also. Ronnie Lee had a bleeding ulcer so he
said. One time while drunk and after he
had hit me several times he was on his knees crying for sympathy. He said he had thrown up blood…. so I called 9 1 1. I knew he
was simply trying to get out of how abusive he had been that day. Our family doctor, not Dr. Pig.... knew how he treated me and
figured he was lying about the blood because he needed redemption for hitting
me the day before.
Doc said, “Let’s see how sick he really is?”
He ordered tubes for every orifice of Ronnie's body. I was thrilled. I guess I thought it might make a difference
but of course it did not. From
somewhere in the depths of my mind I had made another bad decision. Not to leave him but to get pregnant once
more and then leave. This was my new
mission. What was I thinking? I will tell you. I had a notion that Robbie, my first borne,
needed a brother or sister. I believed
Robbie shouldn’t be alone in this world and if anything happened to me he would
have blood family. So I enticed Ronnie
Lee.... and got pregnant. He said
the child wasn’t his, but of course it was.
Ronnie was also a pathological liar therefore he believed everything he
said. He was also diagnosed a
sociopath. I was carefully making plans
to leave as his behavior was becoming more destructive and I was terrified of
him. I recall one day he asked me to sit
in the driver’s seat of our car while he did something to repair the
engine. Hood up and me behind the wheel in the driveway. I wanted to kill him. The only time I ever wanted to seriously kill
anyone. All I had to do is step on the
gas and run over him but I did not. I
did leave him and go back to the frying pan farm with my parents. They were not my favorite people but “it “was
all I had.
Since Robbie's birth my mother became even more controlling telling me everything I did wrong for or with
him. No I didn’t, I loved that little boy
with all my heart. He was the cutest and
sweetest boy in the world to me. My
mother would complain I dressed him wrong and would physically take him away from me. I couldn’t do anything right according to
her. She was cruel and there I was
living with her and expecting another child.
One day Ronnie Lee called the farm and wanted to talk to me. I said,
fine…..so Mother and Dad reluctantly dropped me off at a friend of ours home where
Ronnie Lee was waiting. My Dad did not
feel comfortable with this situation but I told him I would be fine. They drove away and I went inside. There was another man there who owned the house but when I came in he left the room for
the kitchen to give us privacy.....or so I thought. That is when Ronnie Lee began to beat me up even though I was seven months pregnant. He kicked me in the stomach and threw me all around the room. I remember being more
terrified than I had ever been. I realized he was going to kill me so he didn't have to pay for another "kid."
I loved that baby inside me.
The man that owned the home would not help
me even though I cried out for help. He
hid himself and watched the beating of the pregnant woman. I prayed as hard as
I have ever prayed for my parents to come back.
And they did!! I have no idea why they did but they did. I suspect it was my father’s intuition. My Father and I have spiritual sensing and it
paid off. When Ronnie Lee saw my parent’s return and pull up in front of the house, he ran out the back door like a scared rabbit. Dad told me he just had a feeling and I thank
God for that GUIDE or ANGEL messenger who got through the veil to my dad.
I divorced the bastard in 1972. I was in my early twenties living back at the
funny farm with one four year old and expecting another. It was life nightmare number twenty-two plus I
developed severe anxiety making it difficult to breathe. The stress was
unbelievable. Mother had taken over
completely with Robbie and her perfectionism and narcissism were horrible to
live around. Dad just mumbled and went
about his business outside.
My ninth month pregnant I decided to ride my bike into town thinking
I would go into labor and get it over with. It was very hot and I was about half way to
town when I realized I had made a dangerous mistake that could hurt my baby and
me. Thank God again because along came my dad in
his old blue truck because he was worried about me. He put my bike in the back and me in the
front and we went home, no words spoken.
My parents were hosting a party a day or two after the
bicycle incident. The gathering was about advertising the program and products of a multi-level marketing company mother
had signed up with. Something like
Shaklee I think.
My luck….I went into labor around seven p.m. I was in the upstairs bedroom deciding to wait until the
contractions were good and strong. Darned if I was going to go sit at that hospital all night again like the last time. Enema's, poking, prodding, and aloneness! By
the time anyone came up and noticed I was really in labor meaning seven
centimeters dilated. Mother drove me to
the local hospital, dropped me off and went back to her party.
A nurse named Mrs. Schumann spent
the entire night with me. She was the
mother of a very nice boy I graduated with named Jimmy Don. I will never forget her. No one ever did anything nice for me like she
did. I mean Auntie brought me nice used
clothes…. I can’t think of anything else even though I am sure there were more decent memories.
I was in the delivery room with Dr. Reiner who had just
informed me the baby’s head was crowning when I decided to QUIT and mentally fell apart. I told Dr. Reiner I couldn’t do it….I had an awful life, no way
to care for my baby, my poor babies. Old Doc Reiner left the crowning baby, walked up and stood near my head, bent over and asked me if I wanted to give my baby
away.
I said, “No.”
He said, “Then let’s do this, you can do this!”
He continued cheering
me on like I was his favorite football team.
And so I did. Richard (Richie)
was born that night with me and the Doc and his nurses. I loved Richie so much. He was six pounds thirteen ounces with black
hair and blue eyes. He was a gentle baby
and is a gentle man.
