Will it Hurt?

 

He left his hat.  I found it.

I wore it.

Made me smell closer.

Scared me.

Will it hurt?

No, it’s a hat.

But it called to me,

And it hurt. 

(To my friends and family/don't worry, I'm good, I wrote some of these last year!)

Dating App. Profile:

 😂

My profile for the new dating app. (NOT)

I am self-sufficient, have my own business inherited from Great Gma, and Gma.  I clean other people’s toilets.

I only owe $15,036.92 cents on my five-year-old car for six more years.  

I have a wonderful family for the most part.  My son and his fiancé just moved back into my 1,000 sq. ft. apartment because they are homeless so the kitty litter is now in my bedroom. My oldest is in prison for various reasons.  My middle child has anxiety issues and lives far away, and my youngest lives close but has four children and a very busy life forty miles away.

Oh, and my mother lives close and is dying soon.  She left my crappy brother a minimum of a half a million dollars plus and me nothing. 

I come with nothing but my $525.00 social security monthly pay out.  I was married five months short of receiving the only father of my children’s SS.  Government rules you know?  The woman must stay for ten years no matter what to receive SS for putting up with “Big Dick” for 9 years and 7 months.  I didn’t get the memo saying “STAY FOR 4 MORE MONTHS!”

I haven’t dated but once in the past twenty-two years.  I kept that date for five and a half years.  I stopped it after learning I was being abused all that time.  At least my car has a new battery and tires. He bought me those before he left.

I have been married three times and it wasn’t my fault.

I am very intelligent and I am only twelve pounds overweight all in the middle. Obviously, I look like a tree. But I hide it well like I hide the big toe nail fungus.   My breasts are not huge so they don’t hang down too far. I have RLS so sometimes my thin legs jump half the night away.  I should try playing music maybe they would at the least jump to a beat.  

I am fairly healthy except I have cancer.  And all my lady parts and some random parts are sliding down the shoot and need a total take out and tie up.  Major they say. I only pee myself when I stand up, lay down, laugh, cough, or slightly move. Oh, and I have fungus in my two big toenails.  Shit.

My teeth are pretty good, most of the back ones are gone so no worries there.

My dog died so there are only two cats left who only peuck on the carpet once every couple days. 

I believe in God but I talk to the dead-on occasion when I visit cemeteries. Or if they wake me up in the middle of the night.

I am allergic to all milk products so going out for dinner is a challenge.

I can cook but not very well because I don’t like oil or spices.

I can only have sex standing up due to severe spinal stenosis L4 L5.   

I am terrified of water and motorcycles and airplanes so travel is questionable. 

I have a bit of ADD.  Adult attention deficit disorder.  I’m good except I interrupt on occasion.

I drink alcohol for I believe it to be the solution, not the problem.

I also have OCD.  I count.  I count steps I am going up, not down.  I count items going into the washing machine.  I must spray a cleaning solution 20 times. Sometimes I can make myself stop at 12 or 16.

And I have no Life Insurance. Actually, I barely have health insurance at all. A cheap plan.

I can sing well but due to a surgery in the past there is one note I miss every time. I can draw portraits.  I can write mystery novels and love stories. I can dance.  I can listen unless I must interrupt or I will forget my impending words.  And I can’t walk very far.  I am old. 

If you believe all that I will write more tomorrow.  

My First Novel on Amazon: LOVE AFTER LIFE

 My first NOVEL out on AMAZON   and at Barnes and Noble online

Excerpt page 84:

The Prince and the Princess.............by Julianna Rowe

 

Once Upon a Time......deep in the forest of life there was.... hiding in a room all alone a greenish brown frog. He lived by himself with the exception of a few of his frog brothers and sisters who visited on occasion.   They all knew he was "The Great Storyteller" of the family.  Some of them ignored him but others relished in his creative drama about everything from his adventures outside to his meeting a cute little frog next door.  The Ugly Frog loved being the center of attention.  Friends called him "The Great Pretender."  That being a fact he would make up stories for his frog friends and family that made him a bigger frog then all the rest. The only problem was his stories were gossip. And they were not happy stories. He would talk about one frog brother when the other frog brother wasn't there.  Mr. Ugly Frog would talk about anything and anybody just to be the top Frog in the room. And when he went out and about, he strutted like a Big Dog Frog. He wore his finest vest and most expensive cologne. Smiled at all the ladies, yet he walked alone.

 Big Dog Frog didn't really have much confidence in himself and by strutting and telling his tall stories he hoped no one would notice.  But they did anyway.

 

 

One day Mr. Ugly Frog was taking his garbage out to the garbage hole in the yard where it fermented and grew the best worms and bugs for everyday holiday dinners.  That is the day Mr. Ugly Frog bumped into the Princess. She was dancing in the yard and singing the most beautiful tunes he had ever heard. He stood there with his mouth hanging open enamored by her beauty.  She reached down and touched his head as she giggled and twirled about.  Mr. Ugly Frog was immediately smitten.  And then she did something strange.  Something he had never experienced in his Ugly Frog life.  She bent all the way down to the ground and gently lifted him into her hand, raised him up and looked directly into his large ugly eyes as she kissed his forehead with a love that made him shiver, quiver and quake.  He closed his eyes and breathed in the one and only time he had ever felt truly loved and cared for.

 Suddenly yet gently there was a flash of light. With his eyes still closed he suspected he was dreaming or had died and moved to the next life phase. But when he opened his eyes, he was standing face to face with the beautiful Princess who then kissed his handsome delicious lips.  It was as though he had never been the ugly frog.  The ugly frog still lived in his mind but he totally dismissed and chose to forget because he was now the handsome Prince.

 Princess Pia took him by the hand leading him to the large pond on the other side of the property.  She told him to look down into the magic water.  He did and he gasped at his own handsomeness.  He started asking who he was and where he came from.  Princess Pia told him not to worry or think on such things rather to enjoy his new gifts. Her included.

 She adored him. She baked him his favorite pastries and pies.  She sewed his clothing from beautiful fabric from abroad. She read stories to him and held him when he had bad dreams from a past, he couldn't recall. She washed his face with the warmth of fresh clean cloths laced with pure love.  When her hands passed over his body, he could sense all negative vibrations leave and pure energies come in.  She doted over him like a mother might dote over a child.  For he was but a child mentally.  She was trying to help him grow through pure love and honor.  But so many times Mr. Ugly Frog would come forth from his mind and speak unforgivable words to her.  He would leave her alone when she needed him.  He would tell the help at the mansion she didn't treat him well. How she was selfish and had an anger problem among other things. He had made a lot of progress in learning but he remained prideful and unable to experience humbleness or empathy for others.

 Yet Princess Pia continued to love him unconditionally until one day she got sick.   Very sick.  She needed him.  It was his turn to give back but he couldn’t. The prince had given her many nice gifts, but not his heart. He was so afraid if he gave too much he would end up somewhere he couldn't remember.  Back in "Ugly Frog Ville." So he kept his heart hidden allowing a very strong evil force to have control inside his mind.  Princess Pia was sent to "raise" him up and he was sent to help her get through a very difficult time in her and their lives.  At times he was able to honor his new role in life.  He didn't realize he was being selfish with his heart. Rather he thought he was defending his honor. Love isn't defending your own honor rather it encourages growth.  It isn't perfect. But real true love is the best thing that will ever happen to you. Most will never meet the one person that really loves them let alone surrender love in return. The Handsome Prince didn't have what it took to save Princess Pia and she didn't have what it took to save herself and him.

 She passed away and he shriveled back down into Mr. Ugly Frog but this time he was "blessed" with a life lesson on pride.  We all live and die by our choices.  They both lost in the end.  💔

Panic Attack! by Julianna Rowe

Panic Attack!  

I had a busy day, errands, car wash, drove an extra twenty miles to get less expensive kitty litter at the Farm store. Humm.  Got home, unloaded all and put away.  Came into my office to check on emails and other computer related issues.  I sat down at my desk where the window to the outer world is two feet from my face. That being said it would mean if there were any activity in or around said window I would not be able to ignore it. There was definitely activity!

Before I share what I was watching let me tell you why my eyes shed a few crocodile tears as I viewed the anxiety ridden scene before me.  

I am a nurturer/caretaker by birth.  I dabble in numerology and the energies of my name and date of birth told me what I have proven to be true all my life, that I am a caretaker.   I save everyone and everything in my sight and within my power to do so.  Sometimes to my own detriment.  Been trying to learn I am more important than other peoples problems, but so far it hasn't worked.  I recall in grade school always taking up for the kid getting bullied.  I saved rescue animals, dying plants, I was a foster parent, a Hospice volunteer, oh and I rescued MEN too!  But none of those were freaking out in front of me at the window.  Nope...this time it was no different than all the other times yet the same.  I was about to try to save something that could hurt me AS USUAL. And once again I dove right in but not before some real serious tears being shed.  Why?

You see I have lived with anxiety at different levels off and on all my life.  It can be very debilitating. So I understood what Mr. Wasp was feeling.  Sounds crazy I know, but truth. 

 I was viewing a very large WASP  who had gotten "himself" stuck between the screen and the inside window pane.  He wasn't doing the standard walking slowing around the edges searching for an exit. Oh No! This WASP was FRANTIC! He was anxiety ridden as he flew desperately from the top to the bottom, nudging corners and edges wildly in fast motion.  I could honestly feel his fear and his feeling of being trapped forever and dying.  This WASP was smarter than the average WASP.  As I watched him I kept voicing I was going to help him and to hang on.  I hadn't yet figured out how I was going to do this good deed.

Saying that meant I had to open the window a smidge which meant this very upset large WASP could get into my home and harm me just like some of my other rescues had done.  Those tears were not only from feeling the WASP 's frantic terror but my own past shit shows.  

Never the less..... I had to save him from his impending death considering it was HOT and the sun was bearing down on him fast on his self made prison. It reminded me of a dog stuck in a hot car.  

I proceeded to carefully open the window just enough to stick my little blue twelve inch ruler under the rim while quickly punching out the corner of the screen while Mr. Big WASP was up at the top freaking the H out.  Told you he was a smart one.  He instantly knew there was an opening and he shot straight down and OUT the little escape hatch I offered.  Now I can only hope there is WASP KARMA for me next time one lands on me.  The WASP community owes me.  And I owe the landlord a new screen.    I always have to pay out somehow when I help others.  It's okay, WASP is free, didn't get baked and die today.  One Lucky fellow.

Because He Moved Away:

 

                                 I wrote this some time ago.  Playing catch up with my blog posts.        

                                Could I Have This Dance?  See YouTube Ann Murray to the right.

 

I beat my desk.

I scream at the other drivers.

I kick the cat? Only in my mind.

I slam the door.

I cry for dropping a jar.

Why?

I don’t know. 

Because I can.

Because I am alone.

Why?

Because he moved away.

But I still have my cat!

 

Only ONE No Good Bad Day! By Julianna Rowe

 

As I pondered the reflection of myself in the mirror I saw a stranger in my own eyes.  I wanted to run away, look away, not feel, not know, and not listen to whoever I or she was and whatever I or she was thinking while I continued anyway.  Looking deeper into her golden brown eyes.  Who was she?  Who is she?  It is supposed to be me, one person with one reflection, but it is two. The mouth seems to be mine but the eyes to her soul aren’t mine.  She doesn’t shine from within anymore. Gently her tears fall one by one as her soul floods sadly and slowly from within. 

Whose eyes are those if not mine? A worn-out soul? A battered heart? Lines from painful years of misjudgment criss-cross “her” face.  Pain dulls the old sparkle she used to give to anyone within seeing distance. Now I see doubt.  Indecision.  Fear. There is no comfort in her eyes.  She tries to smile through a spirit that has given in; to letting life make her decisions. She is more than the reflection. She is trying to tell me we need to come together to bring back the old vivacity. That she cannot do it alone. She feels unequipped. Unbalanced.  Her neck is tight. Her brain is privately frozen. If she died today it would not be a finished work of art, rather a canvas with splashes of bright yellow happiness under black splatters of ink suppressing much of the shining light beneath.  Damn those that take away, or did they? Is she rather a product of a scabillion cells from a cotillion ancestors who lay dormant in the vast Universe waiting for one human to evolve past all theirs and her bad cells on her own?  Or is she simply at an impasse of her own making? Trapped in a room with no locked door, yet a strong magnetic translucent veil resembling a thick liquid and waving like a flag emanating freedom hindering any escape from the self-made prison…. in lockdown. 

 Just a momentary glitz.

Tomorrow it will all be better, it always is.