The Flatulence Fairy....... by Julianna Rowe

"The Flatulence Fairy" by Julianna Rowe

I have a friend who had surgery a couple months or so ago and she told me the funniest story.  Well it turned out funny anyway.  She said after her surgery she had the most obnoxious, foul-smelling flatulence. Every. Single. Day. I laughed, she didn't. She said it had gotten to the point that she felt like she should carry a little bottle of perfumed spray everywhere she went. Especially the grocery store because what exactly are you supposed to do when you're innocently strolling down Aisle 7 and..

“Pffffft.”

Again I was laughing.  She continued telling me she recalled when it happened to her and right then and there her eyes widened and her brain to mouth said: Oh shit!

She continued by saying normally she would abandon the aisle immediately and leave some unsuspecting shopper to wonder what died near the canned peas. But she decided there is a more dignified solution. So, she instantly became The Flatulence Fairy. Instead of fleeing, she rose onto her imaginary ballet slippers, extended one arm gracefully overhead and PIROUETTED down the aisle while delicately misting the atmosphere behind herself. (Meantime I am laughing uncontrollably.) She said it isnt funny! 

Spritz... twirl... spritz... twirl...

Some poor man examining the cottage cheese looked up. She gave him a regal little nod and softly exclaimed. “Environmental services!” And pirouetted directly into Produce.

There, problem solved. She may still have the problem, but by golly, I bet she looked graceful leaving the scene. She told me she isnt worried because she has her post-surgery surgeon appointment tomorrow and they shall get the bottom of this.  No pun intended. Okay maybe a little…

Now here's where I tell you that all that fairy-whispering, spritzing and pirouetting was only in my imagination. What I actually did was run like crazy to another aisle as fast as I could and leave some innocent shopper to investigate whatever had apparently died near the canned peas. 

And there's one other small detail I probably should confess.

Remember my friend? The one who had surgery? The poor woman with the post-surgical flatulence who supposedly told me this whole embarrassing story that I laughed at?

Okay. So maybe that was me.

I was the friend. I was the one with the flatulence. And apparently, in my imagination anyway, I was also The Flatulence Fairy.

Spritz... twirl... spritz... twirl...

Thank God I wasn't in an elevator.

The Happy News Lady 💛